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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws: we are afraid of you

352 replies

faultybox · 17/01/2023 13:53

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

OP posts:
YoungBritishPissArtist · 17/01/2023 13:55

Your MIL sounds horrible! Is your DP present when she’s making these comments?

tenbob · 17/01/2023 13:56

They aren’t scared of you. They are just finding a new way to berate you.

They sound absolutely awful. Not content with trying to suggest you are fat and a bad mother, they are now suggesting you are intimidating.

I would take that as your cue to reduce contact with them, because they don’t sound like they can take constructive feedback to improve their behaviour towards you, and you want to make sure your daughter is not growing up thinking it is normal to hear people talk to her mum like that.

(ALL the things they’ve said about your baby are absolutely batshit wrong as well. Can’t breathe the same air as a dog?! Ffs)

Iamclearlyamug · 17/01/2023 13:57

To be honest they sound like nightmares. So I'd probably let them carry on being 'scared' and then I wouldn't have to spend much time with them 🤷‍♀️🤣

Greensleeves · 17/01/2023 13:57

This is DARVO. Your MIL doesn't like her controlling, micromanaging shit being challenged, so she's turned on the waterworks and cast you as the villain. FIL is backing her up as he's no doubt accustomed to doing.

Your partner needs to be standing between you and them right now, letting them know in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is not acceptable and will need to change if they wish to develop a relationship with their grandchild. Make the stand now, because the future looks extremely bleak if you cave in now.

Inkpotlover · 17/01/2023 13:57

You say, 'Well, in that case I think it's best we keep our distance going forward and keep your visits to a minimum' and then you LC. Then enjoy the peace and quiet, because they sound awful. If your DH refuses to back you, LC him too!

AnnaTortoiseshell · 17/01/2023 13:57

I don’t think I’d ever say anything to those people again. That is awful. I’m sorry they’re being like that. What does your DH say?

FetchezLaVache · 17/01/2023 13:57

They're not afraid of you at all - if they were, they'd hardly have made such personal comments about your pregnant body or pick holes in your parenting and they would certainly have stopped when you asked them to! They're just rude. I'd just stay out of their way for a while, leave it up to DH to facilitate contact.

Maray1967 · 17/01/2023 13:58

You avoid them as much as possible. If you have to see them, then you do exactly what you’ve already done - tell them politely to stop the constant criticism. What they are doing is not normal. My in-laws did not do this. They had one or two outdated ideas, but were not constantly observing and commenting. It’s not on - it’s ignorant and undermining.
Your DH needs to grow a pair and talk to them.

Beamur · 17/01/2023 13:58

They're rude.
Get your DH to speak to them in future and reduce contact with them, they can contact you as a couple via him.

unclebuck · 17/01/2023 13:58

"Yes, I am am terrifying, and I am only just getting started. I'd steer well clear of me if I were you"
Then ignore. Forever.

NotEvenSlightlyReasonable · 17/01/2023 13:58

I'd say good, works for me.

I wouldn't really. But I'd want to.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 17/01/2023 13:59

If they're scared of you, they shouldn't have to go through the upset of having to spend time with you (and the baby who will be with you, of course).

FizzyFucker · 17/01/2023 13:59

See less of them, but for some unexplained reason I have feeling you are going to come back and say you live with them.

girlfriend44 · 17/01/2023 14:00

does she ever crack a joke for gods sake, tell her to lighten up and say i never hear you tell a joke or a funny story?

Magenta82 · 17/01/2023 14:00

What is your DH doing? Is he present when they make these comments or do they only do it when he is not there?
He needs to be dealing with them.

CuntyChopss · 17/01/2023 14:01

Let me guess… the husband doesn’t like
confrontation so won’t say anything to his precious mummy and daddy?

Original poster
faultybox · 17/01/2023 14:02

CuntyChopss · 17/01/2023 14:01

Let me guess… the husband doesn’t like
confrontation so won’t say anything to his precious mummy and daddy?

Somehow the comments usually happen when he's not there !!! She also started crying when I asked her please to stop criticising. She said I was so mean and I was a bully.

OP posts:
Original poster
faultybox · 17/01/2023 14:04

girlfriend44 · 17/01/2023 14:00

does she ever crack a joke for gods sake, tell her to lighten up and say i never hear you tell a joke or a funny story?

Never jokes. Super uptight.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 17/01/2023 14:05

www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/darvo/

Whatsrheday · 17/01/2023 14:05

be really careful!
I had an H like this and he sided with his mum, now they are all over my kids in his contact time, and he has a new GF (former OW) & new family on the way

So you have to be smart

Make sure all decisions are presented as a united front from the two of you
that way the inlaws can’t drive a wedge between you

Dont bitch about his parents to him, find other outlets!

Thereisnolight · 17/01/2023 14:05

Being pass-remarkable is probably “who they are”. You have a different worldview. So far, so fine…everyone is different and there are blunt people and there are sensitive souls.
The problem is that you’ve asked MIL to stop aiming her comments at you and she hasn’t listened. She’s in the wrong there. It may take her a while to get it. I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing just yet. I’d just keep calmly asking her not to criticise you in your own home. She’ll either stop in the end or you’ll see a bit less of her until she respects your wishes.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 17/01/2023 14:07

Greensleeves · 17/01/2023 13:57

This is DARVO. Your MIL doesn't like her controlling, micromanaging shit being challenged, so she's turned on the waterworks and cast you as the villain. FIL is backing her up as he's no doubt accustomed to doing.

Your partner needs to be standing between you and them right now, letting them know in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is not acceptable and will need to change if they wish to develop a relationship with their grandchild. Make the stand now, because the future looks extremely bleak if you cave in now.

This. Unfortunately it's a well known tactic where the bully claims they are the victim. Good luck with her, she sounds deranged. Flowers

Eastereggsboxedupready · 17/01/2023 14:08

Next comment you repeat it to dh in front of her if he misses it...
Better still don't bother trying to have a relationship.. There are no laws. Your dc isn't missing out by not seeing them.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/01/2023 14:09

Greensleeves · 17/01/2023 13:57

This is DARVO. Your MIL doesn't like her controlling, micromanaging shit being challenged, so she's turned on the waterworks and cast you as the villain. FIL is backing her up as he's no doubt accustomed to doing.

Your partner needs to be standing between you and them right now, letting them know in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is not acceptable and will need to change if they wish to develop a relationship with their grandchild. Make the stand now, because the future looks extremely bleak if you cave in now.

Spot on, she didn’t like being challenged so she’s gone on the attack.
Well done you for speaking out.

rogueone · 17/01/2023 14:09

Your MIL and FIl are a pair of nasties...she wants to be able to say what she wants and your to put up with it. You told her off and they both have turned it on you. Sound like my in-laws. They came as a pair and neither could do no wrong.

i would put them in time out and speak to your DH about managing his shitty parents. Belittling and putting down a new mum is not acceptable at any level