In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

I’m a mum of 3 grown up sons. Love my dils they are all great girls/mums.
I read these posts and often can see it from the mil point of views. But this woman is horrid.
what a damn cheek to push her opinions and nasty comments. You deserve better

Indeed. It's really frightening how much ageism and misogyny is tolerated and internalised. One day, if we are lucky, all of us will be old. I have never understood people who undermine their future selves. It's a very poor survival strategy.

I've also long suspected that the sort of people who have those attitudes to their MIL's in their youth (unempathetic, sexist, ageist) are exactly the sort of people who turn into the MIL from hell in their turn and then wonder why their DIL's can't bear to have them in the house.

Be careful you don't become what you condemn and don't help create the conditions in which you can be marginalised, dismissed and abused when you are old. It's beyond stupid to set yourself up to be a member of a despised group. Let's not add to a climate where elder abuse is common because of the dehumanisation of old people, we can despise this woman because of her behaviour, not because of her age.

100% UWhatNow

Can you move to nearer your parents and away from in laws?
This sounds awful and I'd definitely go LC.

You have a six week old baby, you must be well scarey!

These harpies are picking on you when you are feeling vulnerable.

Tell your DH you will not put up with it and therefore neither should he.

And as PP says never see them without DH present.

Nip this in the bud. Congratulations on your lovely new baby - enjoy this time and don't their their nonsense spoil it for you. I'm sure that with the whole of the internet at your disposal, you will be far better informed about the latest child care advice than MIL ever was.

So this other family member who has had a baby and is equally being bullied……..? Does she live far away? Do you get on?

Show them this. Then tell them to feck orf.

I would go along with the suggestion of a Teddy cam, you can pick them up really cheaply now. I have cameras in my house, they prove to be extremely useful at times. I wouldn’t tell hubby about them until he has seen the evidence. Once he has seen it, maybe you could suggest you all sit down & talk about it. They certainly won’t like it, but if you don’t put a stop to this now, it will definitely get worse & remember they may well manipulate the children as they get older.

Oh god, YES to the teddy cam.

May this be a cultural difference as I can't see anything wrong in their actions

“ I don’t want you to be uncomfortable in my presence so we will minimise our time with you.” There. Job done and now go very low contact. Don’t bitch about them to dh as you’ll lose moral highground. Say it’s a clash of personalities and you don’t want your child being brought up in conflict so have rare but “pleasant” contact that child can enjoy. They can’t argue with their own argument.
you poor thing, they sound mentally unstable and have all the family on tender hooks

tenterhooks….blooming predictive text

I think when they say "afraid" that's the DARVO version of "we are uncomfortable with the realisation of the fact that we are going to need to show a decent level of respect from now on, because the person we previously thought we could bully has, now that she has a baby to protect and nurture, found the assertiveness to stand up for her and her baby's needs, and we don't like it"

@dsire74 in what culture is constant overbearing criticism and belittlement of one's DIL ok?

You can’t see anything wrong with saying a dog breathing the same air is bad ?? So you lack common knowledge on what’s dangerous to a baby I guess ?

you don’t see anything wrong with a mil constantly saying a mother they are doing things wrong ?
What Culture are you defending that allows this form of subjugation and wrong information to be perpetuated ?

May this be a cultural difference as I can't see anything wrong in their actions

Really?
Are you so downtrodden that you think this is normal and acceptable bhaviour?
Are you really happy to have someone make personal and derogatory remarks to you all the time?

Your bar has been set very low.

If that's how they feel, then tell them they aren't to visit if DH isn't home. You shouldn't be made to feel like a monster with your own baby in your own home 💕

Do not show them this thread.
Do tell them to feck off (or similar).

Oh dear lets eradicate cultures that believe that gaining weight is a sign of beauty or wealth. Even more so, the so called overbearing grandparents that overstep their boundaries of love.

Let's cancel every cultural difference that doesn't fit in with western norms.

I see why they're scared lol

You poor love OP.
Here is a strategy - 1. Cocoon with your baby and DH for at least six weeks - just the three of you - absolutely no visits - put boundary firmly in place. You deserve and need this lovely uninterrupted time to bond with your baby.
2 Ensure that DH is firmly supportive of this and protects your boundary. Afterwards he will need to be supportive otherwise re. his parents and other boundaries.
3 Consider going very LC or NC with his parents.
4 If you do have to interract with them occasionally, only do so when DH is there and never be alone with them. Don't let them come to your house uninvited.5 When they make unwanted comments or advice, do not rise to it, but just say "Do you think so?" every time - then ignore whatever it was and carry on doing your own thing.
You deserve so much better than what you are putting up with. Don't put up with it.

You need to sit down with your husband and tell him that his mothers behavior is unacceptable and toxic. Point out that being a mother is hard enough without having your own personal critic for every move you make. If he is unwilling to support you, then either he needs to visit them alone or if they come over, you and baby need to go on an outing. Hey if theyre scared of you standing up for yourself then surely they would be happier not seeing you. And let it be know that if youre going to try BF again, well the baby cant stay with them when they visit. What if she needs to be fed? (This doesnt mean you actually are going to try BF again but its a super convenient reason to not leave your baby with them, and MIL cannot argue since shes the one pushing for it!) You do not want a child exposed to that much negativity and someone who undermines your every parenting decision. Honestly some marriage counseling would help. I personally would not want to be married to someone who watches me be verbally abused and picked apart and does nothing. You protect those you love and he is failing at that. You have the right to protect yourself from a bully. You have a right to keep your child away from toxic negative people. They dont have to love you, but they do have to respect you. Your husband can either choose his toxic parents, or his wife and child. But he needs to choose.

@FeinCuroxiVooz

Spot on

My thoughts too, much better put 😉

Oh no. Nonononono! I can feel the exhaustion in this post, and I just want to say please don't internalize any of this. Your husband is massively out of line for saying that. You are not too much, you are not being dramatic, you are not unreasonable, you are not over-thinking things! Your feelings and responses to being constantly put down are normal and healthy. What would be unhealthy would be to keep allowing them all to collectively stomp on you.

IF you want to keep your husband (frankly I think you're better off without), you need to start recording. Keep your phone in your pocket, or buy a small digital recorder that you can push a button easily whenever the ILs get verbally abusive. When you have 3-4 different days worth of examples, make him listen to them and tell him "This is what it's like when you aren't here. Now that you understand, I'm setting the boundary that they can only visit when you are here to prevent this. I am an adult and parent in my own right, and it's not healthy for our kids to see their mother treated this way."

Next time she says something unpleasant and you ask her to stop, and
she doesn't, get up and leave the room and don't go back in until they're going, on the assumption you don't live with them, the saints preserve us. Good luck.
Thank goodness my MiL lived in South Africa.

adable