In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

There IS a bully in this scenario, but it definitely isn't you. I really hope your DH is supportive of you. If so, make sure you tell him each time MIL oversteps the mark. And maybe, if you can, make a rule that she only comes to visit when he is there with you, or she doesn't come at all.

I'm sorry that you are having to put up with this nonsense. Every good wish to you. x

SIL always agrees with them too and attacks me too. Personal attacks ( crazy, sensitive etc )

But I find the whole ' we don't know how to talk to you. We are scared of you. ' so powerful and it just makes me feel I'm some sort of monster.

Errrr I don't think very many people, if any, would constantly criticise someone they were afraid of. She's the drama queen here. The sensitive one.

That's not an be accident. If she was too obvious maybe he would side with you, keeping it out of his sight means his your word against hers, if you get emotional you look unreasonable. She's keeping you from your DH protection by hiding the issue from him.
You need to keep them at arms length as much as possible.
Meanwhile don't let your emotions show. Tell your husband what's been said but only in a factual way, so he doesn't feel he needs to defend her or sooth you, then her comments can add up on their own so if you say you've had enough he's more likely to understand why.

That's exactly what they are intending for you to feel. Classic gaslighting. Actually I would say go entirely no-contact with them. If they want to see the baby (and as a PP said, there is no law that they must see him) then it can be via your DH only. If you do have to speak to them just use the grey rock technique. They are abusing you and sound utterly poisonous.

You might find the 'Stately Homes' threads helpful. They are full of people dealing with toxic and abusive relatives; there is lots of wise advice and kindness there. Link to the latest thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4660201-november-2022-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=1

They've handed you a get out of jail card, free - take it, for your own sanity!

But I find the whole ' we don't know how to talk to you. We are scared of you. ' so powerful and it just makes me feel I'm some sort of monster

They want to shut you down and make it look like you are victimising them. I would refuse to see them at all, including anyone who agreed with their hateful comments.

I got this feeling as well. Do you live together? You refer to "constant observation".

No I don't live with them. They've just visited a lot recently.

BOO! & hope she fucks off!?!

GOOD then hopefully you'll learn to stop keeping on trying to undermine me?!

& WTF they shouldn't breathe the same air?!?!

she's the one that's barking!!

Hope DH has got your back!!

Stop seeing them. They are horrible and want to continue to be horrible by making out you are in the wrong for calling them
out on their behaviour. You do not need to spend time with people who are unkind and unpleasant. If they want to see their grandchild then your Dh can take your baby to see them without you.

I never saw my ils without dh. They never had my mobile number either.. Never leave your dc unsupervised with them.
Keep sil right away.

So what conversation have you had with your husband about it?

My ex-step-MIL (FIL's second ex-wife 🙄) told DH that I'm intimidating because I'm a "career woman" and not a giggly, fluffy girly girl, so she didn't know how to interact with me.

DH gave her very, very short shrift and told her that I wouldn't be changing my personality for her, and that she could suck it up, or not see us. She chose to suck it up and shut up.

You are the mum now, you know what's best for your baby. No one can hold that baby better than you do, what a stupid comment. You are also allowed to make mistakes

It will drive me crazy if I was in your shoes. You have absolutely every right to be upset by her constant comments. I would speak to your partner and ask him to defend you.

Why is it with the older generation they think criticising young mums is acceptable?!

Use their bullshit to your advantage...Oh you're afraid of me and I'm a mean bully? You won't want to be around someone like that then, so please don't come to my house. Ever again.

Problem solved.

What everyone else says!

dont get bogged down with their narrative- they obviously arent used to being called out and dont like it. So easier to focus on you being sensitive and being the problem than actually acknowledging what you have said to them. You have set your boundaries and they dont like it. Your brothers sister will support her parents as that is what she has grown up to do. These people will affect your mental health with the constant nit picking and comments about how your looking after your baby. Put them on time out and let your DH deal with them. If you don't you willl end up with PND. You should be surrounded by people who love and care for you not judgy shit bags. If your DH cant support you are you able to go to your own family for a break?

If they are saying things when your DH isn't present, I would try and bring what they have said into the conversation when your DH is there.

Preferably though I would only see them when DH is around, or even more preferably he goes to see them

Stop the visits. You don't need to put up with this. If your husband wants them to visit then he can go to there house alone.

They can visit when their son is there to “protect “ them can’t they ?

You are not the mean bully here op, your PIL are. I'd stop seeing them tbh.

They aren't scared of you, they don't like being picked up on their rudeness

You don't have to say anything; just walk away and leave them to stew.

They had their chance and missed it. Not your problem any more.

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

Reading your posts? Nothing. You just turn and walk away. See them as little as possible. And never without your H there.

Concentrate on living a wonderful life with your new baby and your DH. The future is yours. Your DH can see them as much as he likes, that's his business. But you with them just does not lead to anything good, from the sound of it - you'd be better off spending the time doing anything else (helping next door do their VAT returns, anything!!).

But I find the whole ' we don't know how to talk to you. We are scared of you. ' so powerful and it just makes me feel I'm some sort of monster.

This is exactly what it is intended to do. They are making themselves the victims as a means to making you walk on eggshells.

They are outright abusive. Have as little to do with them as possible. Limit how much your children are exposed to them as well. It does not matter what anyone else in the family thinks of this, you have to protect yourself and your children.