In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

I would want to make a show of recording her spiteful remoarks so your DH can hear exactly what she is like.

I am so disappointed at the number of lily livered "men" who can't or won't stand up for their partners.

In all seriousness I’d ban them from the house, they sound f*cking awful and clearly don’t know how to be civil, so I wouldn’t be in their presence until they can work it out.

you husband can meet them, see them, take the baby to see them when suits you, other than that I’d go a hard NC.

They’re clearly trying to undermine you at a time they know you are vulnerable (PP) and have got cross at you setting boundaries and politely asking them to keep criticisms to themselves. They’ve had their chance. Sod em.

If they come round I'd have my phone on record quietly. Left upside down on the coffee table.

And I'd stop letting them come round, you're not the nanny or the staff, if they can't be polite they're not welcome.

Is your dh supporting you, he doesn't have to hear it to support you.

I'd tell them they bloody well should be. In all honesty, you need you need to go nc . Ideally your parter will support you. I've got the bosy type that puts on weight all over when I have a baby, I struggle to lose it too but not once did my parents in law ever comment on it. My lovely fil bought me some pyjamas when I cried that none of mine fit.

Your inlaws sound utterly horrid. Nitpicking when you've just had a baby and are vulnerable is nasty. Yanbu.

Your in laws sound vile!

Why do people act like twunts then make out like they've done nothing wrong if called out?

Oh, I know - gaslighting!!!

Tell them you were raised to stand up for yourself and that is exactly what you're going to raise your child to do.

They're not afraid of you, OP, they're just used to having people ignore their bullshit and want you to tow the line too!!

How manipulative they are. Limit there visits - or you leave your husband to take the baby to them. You don’t need this - they are nasty.

Honestly you can't argue with people who wont do any self reflection and wont accept anything is their fault. They are not nice people. I dont think you're going to be able to actually resolve this in a way you're happy with. They're not going to change their behaviour. So you need to change yours.

I think the options are
Stick to your guns and tell them you dont like their comments. they will continue telling you you're crazy

Do it right back at them, comment on their weight or how they hold their grandchild or whatever ans then tell them they're too sensitive when they get upset. this will probably burn your bridges

Grey rock. Just say 'right ok' or 'thanks for the advice' or 'yeah I'll think about that' and try and grit your teeth and ignore, if you band to see them for your husbands sake.

Go no contact. I think you've put up with loads already, they are all being really genuinely critical of you and you really shouldn't have to put up with it

The Grey Rock technique is helpful when dealing with difficult people. Don't engage emotionally; give bland responses like "uh-huh", "Oh dear" or, in the face of unwanted advice, maybe "right, yes, I've heard some people think that". Work out a few stock phrases that you think would suit you and practice using them.
Something more assertive if you wanted, might be "Thanks for the advice. We'll think about it and decide if it would work for us". That draws attention to the fact that you're establishing boundaries so is possibly going to provoke them more than "grey rock" responses where you let them think whatever they want, and just try to bore or distract them.
Alternatively, if you want to be more diplomatic, you could respond to unwanted comments with a respectful deflection, eg:
"That's interesting - where did you hear that babies needed to be laid on a towel? Do you think that's just a tradition in your home area, or do you think they do it in other places too?". This could divert them whilst quietly making the point that their advice isn't universal wisdom.

Hang in there and enjoy your lovely baby OP. Take heart - annoying and interfering people can still be very loving grandparents eventually.

You are well rid @WWhatsrheday

Get a camera set up in whichever room she's most often vile (sitting room?)

Don't tell MIL

Jobs a good 'un

she sounds just the same as my mil. It took a long time but I reached a point where I finally figured her out. She has anxiety and can be particularly nasty when she’s nervous about something. Also, she was just angry that I took her precious son away. Once I realised what her problem was i found it easier to deal with her comments and tune out whenever she started. It’s amazing when I reached that realisatio because she was no longer able to get to me, i just brushed it off

This exactly.

They wouldnt be coming in my house and your husband should support you with that

Every word of this.

It's purely a diversion so they can get away with being arsewipes.

Your DH needs to stand up to them.

I'd reduce overall amount of time you and DC see them and never see them alone.

You aren’t the problem here OP.

Minimise contact, and pull them up every time they are rude. Hopefully they will go NC with you if they can’t get away with bullying you.

Classic emotionally abusive behaviour/bullying. When challenged, the abuser says, “you’ve upset me! I’m so upset” and turn it around to make it about you rather than their behaviour. They’re obviously not used to being challenged. Stand your ground and keep some distance from her if possible.

They sound a delight! When someone uses the word "ridiculous", they're telling you just how much they respect you. Who the fuck needs to be ridiculed? Narcissistic power games. Heard it all before. Hell, everyone has heard it all before.

Perfect solution, they can stop visiting you and talking to you. They are gaslighting bullies.

She doesn't sound like someone I would want around very much. She doesn't like being asked to change her behaviour and is now turning it around into being your fault as you are making them scared to say anything! She can't see that she needs to alter her behaviour and that it is not very nice! The baby needs to get used to the dog rather than avoiding breathing the same air and it sounds like you are doing fine in your parenting. She may have been told certain things about childcare when she was a new mother that she now wants to pass on but knowledge and practice has no doubt changed since and it sounds like you are doing fine.

Well if they're afraid of you then it makes no change to start telling them off and berating them back does it?

I'd be telling them to fuck off tbh.

Seconded re the baby cam. Start compiling a list of 'excuses' why it is inconvenient for them to be there when your husband isn't. Going out, just leaving to meet friend for coffee, go for a walk, baby napping and so are you, going to gps, going to chemist. Ask them to arrange with your husband to be there when they visit, he is their son after all. If they insist then as previously suggested, say you have reflected on their comments about how they find you and you feel in those circumstances that everyone would be more comfortable if they didn't call with you and baby alone as you wouldnt want anyone to feel that way.

If necessary keep a diary, they sound unhinged. I worked with someone like this and reading this makes me feel sick.

It sounds like their perspective on how to relate to people and communicate is completely different to yours.

I'm more like you (as most sensible people probably are).

YANBU. If they're scared of you, perhaps they'll stay away. Win win!

Sounds similar to my ILs. They shouted, swore and threw a tantrum when we refused to visit BIL family after they snubbed us. Used my mental health issues against me to deflect from their shitty behaviour. They are never in the wrong yet fall out with so many people. Now NC.

This is awful.

Step 1: install discreet baby cam (as per previous posters)

Step 2: Show footage to your husband and discuss. Either he fully supports you in not putting up with this nonsense or the relationship is over and he leaves.

So they want total freedom to criticise you.
Sod that.

If your H doesn't back you up he's part of the problem