In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

Do you happen to know of anything that your MiL is particularly sensitive about, say a physical feature or some area in her social skills that she is lacking (apart from the blinking obvious)? Perhaps hone in on that and nit-pick at it even if she asks you to stop. She clearly won't see the parallels between what she was doing to you while you were pregnant and what you would be doing back to her but you might at least have a bit of fun!

Actually, I think you and your H would be better off cooling the relationship between this set of grandparents and your child right down. As close to infrequent as you can get. Be very unavailable for visits. If you don't have one, consider getting a video doorbell that you can answer by speaking to the person but not by opening the door. Tell them you're out if they happen to pop by for a visit. Only let them in when your H is there and stays with you.

There is a new team (you, your H and your child) and you make decisions on what is best for all of you. I don't think, at least for the moment any way, that seeing these people is best for any of you.

Just stop seeing them. They sound awful.

Just because it's your MIL/FIL it doesn't mean they can treat you like that and more so you don't have to put up with it.
You put aside the fact that they are family and treat them as you would any other person that behaves towards you in that manner.... don't give them the time of day if they have a problem with it then that's their problem to deal with not yours.

I'd have a word with DH and just fill him in on what's what's and say how you feel they're forever pulling you up on things you do which in turn makes you feel uncomfortable/pissed off in your own home and due to that you'd prefer it if they only visited while he's at home..

If by chance your DH likes a quiet life and expects you to tow the line with PIL mention that you have no problem with him visiting them in their own home.

They sound an odd lot, being afraid of you, not knowing how to talk to you but more than happy to visit often and while there being critical of how you do things.

This is very manipulative behaviour from them. Your mil obviously feels entitled to say belittling things to you. She plays the victim when you try to stand up for yourself because she believes you should be allowing her to treat you without respect. Invalidating your feelings by telling you about her bigger feelings is a way of forcing you to stop bothering her with how she's making you feel. It also has the effect of making others feel sorry for her and casting you in a bad light to anyone who is watching.

This is hard to deal with because she will not have any incentive to change and she will see this as a power struggle. The best you can probably do is treat her as if she were the emotional age she is acting at: " I'm sorry you feel like that but I won't stop asking you to respect my feelings because they are justified. Perhaps we should have some distance until you both feel calm enough to spend time together without insulting me. I look forward to seeing you in better circumstances."

The one thing you mustn't do is worry and second guess yourself. You know that she's gaslighting by suggesting you're the nasty one. You know she will get her family to agree. You hold all the cards, with a lovely baby and no need to spend another minute thinking about her issues.

Just have minimum contact with them , I would if anyone was that way towards me . You owe them nothing ! If they want to be. Apart of their grandchild life they should behave . What’s your husband saying about it

@faultybox
"But I find the whole ' we don't know how to talk to you. We are scared of you. ' so powerful and it just makes me feel I'm some sort of monster."

I recently had a new male colleague, who after a few weeks said to me and other team members that he found me 'scary'. I jokingly asked 'is that an insult or a compliment?'
I believe it was meant as a veiled insult. He expected my reaction to be that I would be nicer to him, and try to be 'less scary' (i.e. less better than him at our work, less likely to show him up, less likely to tell him when he was wrong, less of a strong woman, etc.). I didn't change my approach at all - I am proud of being confident in the workplace.

Women are so conditioned that being 'nice' is all important, that to call us 'scary' is a particularly hurtful insult to many women. Recognise it for what it is - just a bullying tactic - no worse that a 5-year old in the playground saying 'you're a smelly pig' or something equally infantile.

Because of course they are not actually scared of you.

And so what if they were scared (which they aren't)? There is no shame in being 'scary' if it really means strong-minded and confident. It is just a new word to try and beat women into submission.

They want scared? Try growling or snarling at her next time she makes a nasty remark. Then smile sweetly as though nothing at all has happened.

As someone who has been married for twenty one years with a similar MIL and FIL my advice is nip this in the bud now. The important thing is that DH supports you. Mine would always side with his mother and she has had a toxic effect on him and my children. If DH supports you great. If not run......

This

As they are making what they see as innocent comments about your parenting while your DH isn't there, you need to record them and share it with your DH - why should he miss out on such valuable advice? 😉

I'd only see them when your DH is present from now on. If that means fewer intrusions on your time visits, tough.

Congratulations on your baby.
I'm sure you're a wonderful mum.

I think my sister in law would say the same about my parents. She's totally oblivious to the fact that she's really difficult. She's had a lot of fallings out with people and it's always everybody else's fault.

If your mil is the only person to make these comments then the problem is hers. If you've had similar fallings out with anyone else then pause and reflect on your own sensitivities.

It sounds like she’s insulting you and then gaslighting you. Well done for putting down a boundary! Being a new mum can be so hard and you feel so vulnerable, you defo did the right thing challenging by her hurtful behaviour. I have an evil MIL I struggle with too, so no useful advice from me i’m afraid, but you are definitely not being unreasonable l.

Ask your DH to be present (for the entire visit ie if your MIL follows you into the kitchen, your DH must come too) for any contact - with you or your child. Absolutely no unsupervised access!

your DH must tell his family that this is the status quo from now on and any contact must be via him. This will protect his family from any perceived threat and you from insults. I think you will have to accept that your child will not have a healthy relationship with paternal grandparents/aunt, but better this than a damaged relationship with DM. You have to protect your DC against having to deal with hearing nasty/dismissive things about their DM.

She’s being deliberately vicious and manipulative. As for the hygiene comments, look her dead in the eye whilst licking your baby and point to the door, and unless your dangling said child by the ankle and bopping it’s head on the floor I should imagine your holding them perfectly fine.

Utter bollocks this one. Loads of people put on weight while BFing as they are so hungry.
How you choose to feed your baby is non of their business. If mentioned again, simply say that you've heard cocaine works better to shed the weight and it gives you great energy for housework. Hard stare.

Every time they suggest a visit when your DH is out tell them you are off to Mother&Baby walks or something. Won't be hard as the weather gets better to make plans out and about if they are prone to "dropping in".

You've started well by calling them out on it but you need to up the ante now until they back the F off.

You need to reply robustly, along the lines of "Obviously you aren't in the least afraid of me, otherwise you wouldn't speak to me as you do". Make it very clear that it hasn't got to you.

This reminds me of a meeting with council SEN department officials I was at once with a friend, where we were talking about her child's SEN. At one point she got quite upset, but she was still talking at her normal volume. Suddenly one of the officials said "Please don't shout, I find it intimidating when you shout at me". My friend was absolutely crushed and was about to apologise, but I managed to react quickly enough to say "Nonsense, you know perfectly well that she didn't shout and that is just a tactic to make her stop saying anything. Please stop playing games." The official went all huffy initially, but she stopped accusing friend of shouting and started allowing her more time to have her say.

“I’m really sad you feel scared of me but can’t really take that seriously I’m afraid.
I’m just a very new mum trying to do my best for our child and find your constant criticism belittling and humiliating. I’ve politely asked you to stop instructing me in how to manage my own child because its much better for the three of us to find our own way forward and some of your ideas, we don’t find acceptable anyway. But you ignored that polite request. Rest assured I will ask for advice when I feel I need it.
So going forward now, we think it’s best we have a little break from each other and then maybe, with good will shown from everybody we can start again by respecting each other. You did things your own way with your babies, I respect that, but this child is ours to bring up thank you. For the time being I prefer to concentrate on and enjoy our new baby without this family upset. We will be in touch in a few weeks time when we feel more positive about things and when we have established our own routine in our own way.”

I don’t normally comment on these sorts of threads but that sounds horrible. You’ve done nothing wrong and you’d be perfectly reasonable to reduce visits and just be distantly polite. I would never dream of making personal comments to my dil in this way.

The next time they tell you that they are afraid of you, reply "Good, you should be because where my baby is concerned I'm in charge and your opinions are not welcome. If I scare you, then maybe it would be best for both of us to limit your visits a lot more."

No, I probably wouldn't, but I'd want to!

I would be telling them never to darken my doorstep ever again, and I would never again be darkening their doorstep. They sound absolutely awful.

Reply...mumbbling
"You should keep your thoughts to yourself might make you a better person, but then I doult that"
Opps did I say that out loud..

They aren't scared of you at all. They're pissed off you've stood up to their bullying and are trying shame you back into your box do they can make you the bad guy and begin their bullying.

Be prepared for them starting saying the same shit again and then "correcting" themselves by saying "oh sorry. I forgot were not allowed to say anything because we're so horrible" or whatever.

Just keep calmly telling them or stop seeing them. "That's not very nice" and then start talking about something else. They sound vile.

Avoid them. They're so rude

"oh am i? how awful for you! - best you stay away then!"

Mil is a manipulator and is everything she accuses you of. She is mean and a bully. Pitting the whole family against you, siccing fil on you, acting like she’s crying and afraid of you.

Very important. Show your dh this thread and hope that he sees what his mother is doing to you. The comments about your size in pregnancy and the manipulative behavior prove that the ‘little remarks’ about caring for your baby is very sinister, she is trying to ‘prove’ you can’t be trusted with the safety of your own child.

Get dh on same page and decide between you exactly what dh will say to fil (not mil! She will manipulate) and send it in text or email to keep track. Cut contact with her. She must acknowledge her devious behavior, genuinely apologize, and commit to never interfering or manipulating you, dh, or her family concerning you again. That is the condition she needs to meet.

Believe me, if you don’t nip this in the bud boldly now, if you show weakness and submission, you will have trouble with her for decades to come, it will get worse, I speak from experience. Stay calm, leave emotions to the side, and speak matter of factly to your dh about this. These are magical joyful years with your new baby. Do not let her destroy your happiness. She knows what she’s doing.