In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names

This behaviour is the problem. Not you asking them to stop.
It's always the ones insulting and name calling who claim their victim is being horrible

My MIL used to do this. I eventually told her that if she had done a better job raising her children I might take the advice. But she didn't, so I won't.

I'm now a new MIL and I try not to let any suggestions come out of my mouth, unless asked.

It's hard sometimes, because it's natural to follow up with what you have done in a situation when someone is telling you. I try my hardest.

I have to admit it took me a few years before I braved a stern retort. And when I did I too got the "Ooh we never know what to say to avoid making you angry".

I was lucky as by that time DH had had enough and wasn't really up for mollifying MIL and SIL. So he replied before I formed a sentence that lacked fuck off as it's main theme. He said "then don't say such stupid things then" and walked me out of the door.

He also created space for me to say pretty much the same to my parents, after years of being conned and ripped off by my dad.

If your DH is fully onboard them there is no reason not to tell them plainly that they are their own worst enemy and need to learn basic manners... and to piss off out of your house, obviously.

Well with any luck they will stop as they are so scared of you.

Is your hzúsband bothered about seeing them?

Hopefully not & you can see a lot less of them.

They're gaslighting you.

Your DH should be shielding you from this, especially 6 weeks post partum. Is he aware of all this?

Their 'advice' is bananas btw. Can't breathe the same air as a dog? Bollocks.

Echoing everyone else on here that she is a manipulative bully unfairly trying to turn the tables on you when challenged. This cruel gaslighting - trying to make out that you are the monster and scary. What a dishonest cow she must be, but it is very difficult to rise above it and go on believing in yurself. I do hiope your DH is totally on your side here. He needs to speak to his parents. As MysteryBelle says above nip this in the bud as it will go escalate and make you miserable in future.
You say she is often visiting. But surely not uninvited? Its up to you who visits you in your home, so don't invite them unless DH is there and has your back every minute so you are not alone with them, and he supports you if they start. And cut future visits to very infrequent at most. Tell them they definitely cannot just drop round - cite the baby's routine if necessary.

She doesn't like that you have boundaries and she can't control you. Very typical of a narcissist - along with never being wrong and always being the victim.

Honestly, you’ve just given birth. You have a newborn. WTF is wrong with these people? Once again, I’m quite glad I had my baby during lockdown & didn’t have other folk around us...

They sound awful. Make sure they don’t have a key to your house and can’t just drop in.

Limit contact if you need to. Don’t ever leave them alone with your child. They sound controlling and abusive- don’t let them bully you.

@faultybox when they say they don’t know how to talk to you, just say “be kind”. It’s really not hard not to insult someone.

Actually I think they are very scared of the idea of you standing up to them, which is precisely why you should do it.

God they sound awful.

I agree with others saying DARVO and it’s a common bullying tactic.

Have a frank conversation with your DH. He needs to be the one to speak to them on your behalf. They need to pack it in entirely or be prepared to have nothing to do with you.

Some people really can’t bear not being able to say anything and everything they like. These sort of people will do whatever ever they can to prevent you putting in a boundary but you need to be the one who says what goes here.

Stop spending time with them.
If DH wants to see them off he goes but you don't have to.

She’ll never say anything in front of your DH. Then when you say anything to him you look like the baddy. Tale as old as time, had happened to me and about 5 people I know

‘Some people really can’t bear not being able to say anything and everything they like‘

this is my mil. She has absolutely no filter and people just accept it. Once my partner told her to stop interrupting other people talking as she was doing it constantly with irrelevant comments. She got tears in her eyes and said ‘well if I don’t just say what I think when I think of it, it will go out of my head! So I have to just say things!’ Sometimes things aren’t so important you have to voice every single thought you have..

Firstly, good on you for speaking up. You are not unreasonable. You are strong and have boundaries.

This is something dysfunctional families do. The truth teller (you) is “scary” because they’re used to people not calling them out and you’re fucking up their dynamic.

Their only recourse is to make YOU the one in the wrong, because they literally CANNOT admit that they have done wrong.

You can play nice and live by their rules for the rest of all time but you’ll lose more and more autonomy. As I’ve gotten older I prefer people to know I won’t take any BS. Like me or don’t. I get far more respect as a result.

Just because your husband isn't there when MIL says things, doesn't mean he can't ring her up and tell her to stop

Ask him to speak to her and tell her to STFU

If he won't, then I think you have a husband problem

Right - this feeling you have of being a monster?
It's deliberate - to shut you down & mask their own unpleasant behaviour.

As soon as I read your OP I knew they were DARVO'ing you -
My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong.
& I knew it because it's clear that they are the perpetrators, & you the victim here. The fact that MiL chooses to make her comments while your DH is not present shows you how deliberate she is. It's a (pathetic) dominance display - she wants to see herself as 'above' you in the pecking order, so makes undermining remarks designed to devalue you & set herself up as the wise matriarch.

It's difficult to counter, but one technique you could try is Grey Rock.
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#what-is-it
This would entail you 'shutting out' her comments & not reacting to them. That doesn't mean just putting up & taking it though. The idea is to redirect her criticisms by not responding with JADE (see link) & then asking some bland question to divert focus away from MiL's desire to criticise you & onto any non-contentious issue.
For example -
MiL: "You mustn't let your baby breathe the same air as your dog"
OP: "Midwife says it's fine, so no worries - would you like a cup of tea?"

MiL: "Don't put the baby on the bed without a towel, it's unhygienic"
OP: "It's all fine, my linens are as clean as my towels. Did you get out to that new restaurant last weekend like you planned?"

This helps prevent you from engaging fully with her comments, or attempting to explain WHY your methods are fine. The whole idea is to just close the remarks down without answering them or feeling accountable to MiL. Remember - you do not owe her explanations, & YOU HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE.

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

The JADE link comes from the Out Of The Fog website, which is a support organisation for people affected by personality disordered (or otherwise unreasonable) relatives. You might find their Toolbox section very useful - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

If they are turning up when your Dh isn't there always answer the door with your coat on, if it's them they can't stop you are just going out, if it's someone you want to see how lovely you just got in.

They're bullies. Your DH needs to step up and ask them to go or he needs to go with them.

But I find the whole ' we don't know how to talk to you. We are scared of you. ' so powerful and it just makes me feel I'm some sort of monster.

They are the monsters, not you @faultybox. I would want to say back to them "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all", or "it's because you never have anything nice to say to me. You are always so negative and derogatory, and I don't appreciate these comments"

Does your husband know what they are saying?

When DD was a baby she had a serious health issue, and MIL came to stay with us for three months to help me out. To be fair she was a massive help, but I kept being given dangerous advice and "in my day we did this dangerous thing" etc. In the end DH told her to go home.

Your DH needs to step up and stand up for you.

'You said you don't know how to talk to me. Speak to me in a respectful way and do not offer unasked for advice. Then you will have nothing to fear.'

@faultybox my MIL used to say things when my Husband was out of the room, when he came back in I used to say your mum said so and so as if I was just relaying a conversation, she soon stopped.

As PPs said, they are clearly horrible people who are thinking up any old crap to manipulate you.

You need to ask yourself two questions: why have they visited so much recently and how can you stop the visits from happening?

Self-entitled, spiteful mil wails and cries when called out on her behaviour. Fil joins in because he’s learned it’s not worth the aggravation to take on the queen bee.

You’re going to need your other half to back you up if you respond to her ridiculous claims. Brace yourself for more high drama and accusations as Mummy in law is not used to people calling her out.