In laws: we are afraid of you

[faultybox]

My in laws recently told me they are afraid of me. They said they don't know how to talk to me and that they always say the wrong thing and I get offended by them and they are uncomfortable in my company.

This came to light during an argument which was caused by me asking my MIL to please not comment on every tiny thing I do for my baby and telling me I'm doing it wrong. She had been saying a lot of tiny things all the time- like, don't allow the dog to enter room where baby is sleeping, as they shouldn't share the same air. Dog is tiny and can't get anywhere near the baby anyway. Don't put baby on bed without a towel under him, as it's unhygienic, don't wipe babies tear away from his cheek with hand ( as baby could get an eye infection) I wasn't even touching his eye, but wiping his cheek with clean hands. Also said I was holding him wrong several times, in front of everyone which left me feeling embarrassed. ( baby is 6 weeks old ).

I just felt like I was under constant observation and asked her nicely to please not comment on everything as it's upsetting me and I feel like I'm not doing anything right in her eyes. She said I was arrogant, horrible, crazy and called me all kinds of names and then FIL got involved and proceeded to tell me that they don't know what to say to me as I'm so sensitive.

The other things I asked is for MIL to stop making fun of how big I was in pregnancy. She just kept commenting that my hips and thighs were really getting bigger. This upset me, so I asked her to please stop doing it. After this, she also said I'm ridiculous and it's not an insult and I've taken it the wrong way etc. everyone in the family agreed with her ( except my H ).

Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you ?

It's just another unfounded criticism from them. The same way they commented on your hips (rude and utterly inappropriate) and your dog breathing your baby's air (bizarre and objectively incorrect), they are just beings dicks, but this time they have found something that makes them a victim.

I'd take the opportunity to reduce contact and keep them at arm's length.

See her as infrequently as possible

What would i say to them? Fuck off and come back when you can behave like grown ups.

Christ you’ve definitely not been fortunate in the MIL department she sounds utterly awful. I would tell her to swiftly fuck off and her manipulative behaviours wouldn’t work on me!

they are clearly not scared of you, they are just trying to stop you from having the self confidence to assert yourself, and it's working. if they were genuinely scared of having to interact with someone whilst treating them with respect and keeping unasked for opinions to themselves then it would probably best they don't interact with other people at all. but they aren't scared, not a bit of it. they may play-act timidity and feeling offended and upset but they can only be genuinely upset if they are the most arrogant and solipsistic people ever and have only just encountered the concept of not having godlike powers of infallibility.

The baby can't share the same air as the dog? What...?

Do you tell your husband what his family is like to you? He needs to be the one shutting it down.

I’m not there but perhaps the fat chat could just be usual pregnancy chat. Some people are obsessed with their size/ other peoples size etc. Just ignore and thank your lucky stars you’re not a size freak. The stuff about the baby is pretty mental. Their reaction to your reaction is also pretty OTT. Parents have a lifetime of ruling the roost with their own kids and can’t handle their in laws as real people with their own set of cultural norms. Some people can’t stand a different point of view in their home domain. You’ll be ok. This calm down when kids grow up- my experience is that in laws and your own parents can be mental in the baby years (as was I). Make sure your DH is there and tell him you’ve had your fill of their feedback so you won’t be listen to anymore

I’d get a teddy cam and save up all the footage of yours MIL being a bitch, then play it back to them. Then I’d go low or no contact, but be prepared for an almighty explosion because the one thing narcs don’t like is being found out.

They aren’t scared of you. They are quite clever not to do their worst in front of your DH. MIL is talking rubbish about the baby and very rude about your body.

It’s very simple. Don’t see them. Don’t offer any explanation, don’t get into the drama. Just don’t have them in your house or see them. Not your fault you have nasty in-laws.

I'd probably record your next interaction with her. The whole thing from the moment their car arrives in the drive until it departs. And I'd do this every time. Save them with time flags when she's said something horrible. Play them for DH or even back to her if it ever comes to a head.

Don't let her warp reality

When you say he's not there do you mean in the room or not in the house?
If the second then you don't see them without him being there too, if it's the first then if you want to attempt to resolve this, a frank conversation with dh there, ask them what specifically you have done wrong, then counter that with why you responded that way, see how the conversation develops.

When your DH returns to the room/house

"Oh, DH, your mum was just saying that we should do XX because we might YY. Did you know that? What do you think?"

Does he know she made comments about your size when pregnant? Does he know about any of this or have you been suffering it in polite silence?

If he is not in the house, is at work etc, when they are visiting then find ways to not meet them without him being present.

You really need to know how far he is is 'in your camp' before deciding on your best strategy. And yes, that really is fucking sad.

Teddy cam?!?!?!

Sounds scary but maybe a good idea...

Speak to your DH about this and get him to ask his parents about it.
They'll come out with their rubbish and he can call them out on it

Next time they say they are afraid of you I would use their words against them. Say that you feel the same about them, because they criticise your weight, how you care for you DD - list all their nasty comments back at them and that you feel bullied in your own home. Then I would use that as a good reason for them not to visit your home without an invitation and only when your DH is home too. Start going very low contact and if they complain remind them of their comments and how you don't like being bullied by them.

I would limit conversations with them tbh
I would only allow them in your home when your dh is around before they start with their lies and gaslighting

To say they are afraid of you and that you are crazy is a typical abuser's and manipulator's weapon. I've had it flung at me, always when I have stood up for myself after multiple provocations, as you did. Ignore and minimise contact from now on. They are toxic.

@faultybox - "Anyway, what do you say to people who say you're crazy and they are scared of you?"

You tell them that they are no longer welcome to visit until they can keep their opinions to themselves, they are guests in your home and they are not showing the mother of their grandchild any level of respect at all.

What does your H say about the way his parents are speaking to his wife about the care she is giving to his daughter?

Congratulations on your baby and also on standing up to your inlaws. They are probably more shocked that someone stood up to them than anything else. I mean how very dare you to do such a thing and not just roll over and take what they are saying as gospel!

She also said I should really try to breastfeed as it will help me lose weight.

Whenever she corrects or insults you, do it right back to her.

If she says your thighs are big, tell her that her bum would stop a truck.

If she tells you to put the baby on a towel on the bed, tell her you were thinking she should use a towel when sitting on your couch. Rinse and repeat.

Bullying isn't nearly as much fun when they get it back. :)

Sounds like a great opportunity not to see these vile people again!

When your baby is older, your DH can take them to visit the GPs. You don't need to have anything to do with them.

OP my mum always says this to me whenever I ask her not to do things that make me feel bad. She is really critical but views it as being 'helpful'. She always says she never knows what will offend me when I've made it quite clear what it is that I don't like her doing and why it hurts me. I think it's because she can't even begin to comprehend that she is doing anything wrong and also she doesn't want to have change her behaviour, to think about the impact on me of constantly picking at my parenting etc, so she deflects it back onto me, making me feel like I'm in the wrong for daring to have feelings and standing up for myself/ having boundaries. Your in-laws sound much like this, maybe in their family saying how you feel isn't the done thing and they don't know how to deal with it? Either way, I don't think you are wrong for making the requests that you did and you should continue to assert yourself when you need to.

They need to be told to have less to say. However don't think that your dog wouldn't be a threat because it is small. Dogs often misinterpret a new baby's cries.

They sound like my in-laws - a bunch of bullies with MIL in charge of the narrative.
You need to nip this in the bud now. I would minimise contact. Visit them but for short amounts of time. If they carry on being nasty, reduce the time spent with them further. I let it all go for way too long and it made the resentment I felt towards them huge. They don’t just irritate me with their comments now, I hate them. The list of insults they have thrown at me is huge. Don’t be me! Don’t let it go on for longer than necessary.
As other have said they are not scared of you, they wouldn’t keep insulting someone they were scared of to their face. I would be tempted to point that out to them.

I think your MIL is in the habit of getting away with saying whatever she likes to whoever she fancies saying it to and either for a quiet life or to avoid her wrath she has managed to get away with it. You did right for sticking up for yourself, well done you.

Personally, I would minimise contact as much as poss with her and not allow visits at all unless your DH is there as well as you don’t want to frighten her. Don’t let them see your baby without you present either as this maybe what they were angling for. Its her who has the problem not you.

If you fancy a laugh and have the odd half hour spare watch ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ either with your DH (but don’t tell him why) or on your own its funny but you will see a lot of your MIL’s traits and behaviours in the MIL Marie.

Take care OP 💐 🍫 🍷

PS my MIL tried this with me a little but not to quite the same extent as yours. Fortunately, she lived 3 hours away so when she visited DH was there and he had my back.