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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU blended family drama

238 replies

Shawaddywaddeee · 16/01/2023 08:46

So myself and my partner thought it would be nice to take our older kids away (without the younger ones)
On an all expenses paid holiday.
So we can go out have a laugh etc without having to be in early for the lil ones.

They agreed they'd love to go so we did our research and booked Marbella .

To our shock we've been told the location is chavvy and we're shit parents because we didn't ask where they wanted to go.

But we genuinely thought we'd taken all their own personal needs into consideration and got a great deal!

It's cost us £4000 (all inclusive) and they are saying they're not coming!

My partner is so upset because we were so excited and looking forward to having some quality time with the older kids but have been met with utter discontent :(

They are 20, 20, 18

Have we fucked up here or are they acting like spoilt brats?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shawaddywaddeee · 16/01/2023 10:22

redskydelight · 16/01/2023 10:20

Some people like surprises. Some people don't.

Booking a holiday and telling people they must like it is controlling.

An awful lot of people find being surprised by a gift/weekend away to be controlling, as they wonder what they are expected to do in return.

Show quote history

Appreciate the thought, love and effort put in to give them a nice break away?

In return nothing as we're the parents and it's our treat

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 16/01/2023 10:23

Shawaddywaddeee · 16/01/2023 10:21

Now I'm being shot down for using an emoji!

I put that in the sense we can't get it right!

I'm an expressive person is that not ok ? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you not capable of communicating your emotions without posting an emoji of a monkey after every utterance (especially when posting about gay rights in Dubai)?

Do you have jungle fever?

Original poster
Shawaddywaddeee · 16/01/2023 10:23

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 16/01/2023 10:21

I can see if from both sides, to a point.
I can’t imagine booking a holiday for my kids, without talking about where we are going to go. On the other hand, if I DID book something, as a surprise, or after a discussion about dates, my children would be very grateful. And of my parents booked me a holiday, even now, I’d be very grateful as well.
Sounds like they are spoiled tbh. I WOULD take your DS and see if you can swap either your younger children in, or even one of your DS’s friends, so he can have a good time with someone of his own age. Give them one last chance to change their minds, with a “we’d love you to come, but if you’re adamant that you’re not interested, then we will change the arrangements so someone else gets the benefit of a free holiday”.

Yes I agree x

OP posts:
Stravaig · 16/01/2023 10:23

Why on earth did you feel entitled to make arrangements involving 3 other ADULTS without consulting them first?! By all means, invite them; but they are completely free to decline your invitation. Which they have, although in a very rude and entitled way. Wonder where they learned that? Utterly batshit to just book it! You're all in the wrong here.

Womencanlift · 16/01/2023 10:23

Are you actually one of the children as I don’t know any grown adults who uses 🙈 as much as I have seen on this thread?

Anyway yes a bit of research would have found that Marbella is pretty chavvy these days. And at that age I would have wanted to be involved in the destination conversation. The whole “surprise” thing is a red herring. On one hand you want them to be adults but on the other hand you are saying we are the adults who are paying for this so you should be grateful to go wherever we choose

Dinodigger · 16/01/2023 10:25

I don't blame them. I wouldn't go there if you paid me either. Cheap, tacky and full of chavvy brits. I am working class myself, but even I couldn't deal with that level of chav for so long.

OhmygodDont · 16/01/2023 10:25

We had a holiday like this with family. All paid for lovely lovely. They picked the area though and however much yay free holiday. I wouldn’t do it again the location was at best meh it was neither a beach nor city holiday really random. I mean it had pools and that you could walk to a pebble beach but if I had to take time off work I wouldn’t be going again luckily back then I was a college student.

Original poster
Shawaddywaddeee · 16/01/2023 10:25

Butchyrestingface · 16/01/2023 10:23

Are you not capable of communicating your emotions without posting an emoji of a monkey after every utterance (especially when posting about gay rights in Dubai)?

Do you have jungle fever?

Show quote history

Obviously not 😬

But you obviously are

I don't judge you for not using emojis so don't judge me for using them 😉

OP posts:
Flapjackquack · 16/01/2023 10:26

I think it’s easy to say oh they are brats but thinking about it, if my parents said oh let’s all go on holiday and then the next thing they told me was it’s Marbella, I would probably be a disappointed that they hadn’t consulted before they booked and I was having to use annual leave etc to go somewhere I just don’t want to go.

It’s a grander scale of someone asking you if you wanted a new jumper and then giving you a hideous one you’d never wear. At least with a jumper you only have to act grateful in the moment before putting it at the back of the wardrobe, rather having to do it for a whole week.

They should have regulated their reactions better, but I’d rather stay in the UK than go to Marbella for a week. There are so many nicer places to visit in Spain. Don’t pay for expensive gifts without making sure the recipient actually wants it.

piedbeauty · 16/01/2023 10:26

I'd have said to them, 'Well, the last time we took you away you were on your phones all week and didn't come out at al. You may as well have been at home. So is it a good idea to go away this year? It's going to cost £4k and we don't want to waste that money. And if we do go away, there are some ground rules (about coming out of room, taking part at least some of the time). So, where would you like to go?'

Then you could all have discussed ideas.

Don't let them stop you taking your ds away if you want to. Their mum can take them away herself if she's so desperate to.

She needs to stop being so involved with your h and the way he parents his adult kids though. They are far too old for that. She sounds critical and unhelpful.

Hoppinggreen · 16/01/2023 10:26

My DC are 14 and 18 and I discuss holiday locations with then before I book.
If someone booked a holiday for me to somewhere I really don’t want to go I would say thank you and make the best of it - unless there was a really good reason for me not eating to go such as human right abuses etc

Original poster
Shawaddywaddeee · 16/01/2023 10:27

Womencanlift · 16/01/2023 10:23

Are you actually one of the children as I don’t know any grown adults who uses 🙈 as much as I have seen on this thread?

Anyway yes a bit of research would have found that Marbella is pretty chavvy these days. And at that age I would have wanted to be involved in the destination conversation. The whole “surprise” thing is a red herring. On one hand you want them to be adults but on the other hand you are saying we are the adults who are paying for this so you should be grateful to go wherever we choose

A red herring wth!?

OP posts:
climbthathill129 · 16/01/2023 10:27

Brats.

I wouldn't be taking them any where this year. Ungrateful and rude!

Hobbesmanc · 16/01/2023 10:28

I've been a couple of times to that area. Once on a truly memorable hen party and not for the right reasons. It wouldn't be first choice. But there are some much nicer areas and if I was in a lovely hotel I imagine it would be a great break

I don't get why the op is getting quite such a ragging. If I was organising a all paid for family trip and the criteria was Spain. All inclusive. Night life. I'd not expect to be consulting the whole party on exact location. The ingratitude and entitlement is ridiculous.

Butchyrestingface · 16/01/2023 10:28

I don't judge you for not using emojis so don't judge me for using them 😉

I DO use emoticons - judiciously. I don't constantly post 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈 like some 12 year old who's got lost from TikTok.

Thoughtful2355 · 16/01/2023 10:28

leave them, go anyway and take lots of gorgeous photos to show when you get back. Marbella is a beautiful place!

ArcticSkewer · 16/01/2023 10:29

Shawaddywaddeee · 16/01/2023 10:22

Appreciate the thought, love and effort put in to give them a nice break away?

In return nothing as we're the parents and it's our treat

Show quote history

So there's a great learning point for you if you want it.

Your stepkids see booking them stuff then insisting they pretend to enjoy it or be labelled spoilt brats as unwelcome behaviour.

Bet you keep doing it, but an alternative would be to accept that many people (eg your stepkids) interpret the giving of unwanted and unsuitable gifts (eg holidays they are booked on with no control over) negatively, and stop doing it.

What's so hard about asking for their suggestions? Seriously??

Or don't ask and just present them with a choice of going or not going, up to them.

Flapjackquack · 16/01/2023 10:29

Wow I’ve just seen your message about Dubai. Of course your gay SD doesn’t want to go there. Hostile with a monkey face doesn’t begin to cover it.

HoppingPavlova · 16/01/2023 10:30

And they said they wanted to go away. Surely a free holiday is a free holiday?

???? How would you feel if someone told you where you were going, you didn’t want to go there, and then they said ‘you must, it’s free, I’m paying’. My in-laws tried this a few times back in the early days as a way of being controlling. Fucked if we were going. No one is that desperate for a free holiday.

There is no way I would book a holiday without making sure the kids are okay with where we are going at that age. From around 16yo we gave them a yes/no way in places we were thinking of. We still pay for our adult kids to come but BOTH dates and destination are up for agreement before any booking is made and also agreement for any activities before we book. Doesn’t mean we all have to do activities for any of us to do them but we don’t just book for us all without agreeing they actually want to do it, we just book for those that want to, and that would have been the case as well at the ages you are talking about.

Velvetween · 16/01/2023 10:31

OP is being berated by many posters for not treating the (bratty) DC as adults and involving them in the final decision on locations.

  1. When being asked about dates and country of a proposed trip, adults should speak up and share their preferences?? You know, like maybe get your head out of your phone, engage and suggest Barcelona or Granada over the likes of Marbella or Torremolinis?
  2. Adults, when presented with a scenario they don’t like, try and find a solution and discuss the options rationally. They don’t throw their toys out of the pram and declare they aren’t going because “it’s chavvy”.

OP you are not weird or controlling at all. admittedly, you can learn something here too (appreciate that teens and 20-somethings have ever-evolving likes and dislikes and whilst you think you know them, always consult on every fine detail!).

Their reaction is immature and they need to grow up if they indeed want to be treated as the adults they technically are.

Thoughtful2355 · 16/01/2023 10:32

ALTHOUGH i will say i wouldnt have chose Marbella and i wouldnt have booked a holiday withought checking location with everyone.

Aprilx · 16/01/2023 10:32

Shawaddywaddeee · 16/01/2023 09:33

No it was meant to be a nice surprise 🙈

Show quote history

But it wasn’t a surprise, you had discussed the idea in concept and agreed dates. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t discuss location with three adults in the travelling party. I don’t think they have to willing to go absolutely anywhere just because you offered to pay.

GasPanic · 16/01/2023 10:33

It's a shame you didn't check on the destination with them in the first place.

OTOH, turning down a holiday because it's "chavvy" smacks of a massive sense of entitlement, snobbery and lack of appreciation for the work you put in organising it. I'm sure the place won't be that bad, and even if it is there will be places that you can find.

Probably better to let them choose, book and pay for their own holidays from now on.

Colourfulrainbows · 16/01/2023 10:33

Sorry but they are brats. Some people can't even afford a holiday.

Yet they don't want to go as its chavvy : all paid for. As grown adults.

Not because cant get time of work.
Fine then they don't go. I like the suggestion that you offer your son some friends to go.

At 20 if my dad and step mum had paid for me to go on holiday any holiday - even skegness I would off been surprised and grateful at the gift, because it is a gift they are adults. Bloody hell I would be grateful if anybody brought me a all. Inclusive holiday to anywhere.

Yep brats. Xx

Folklore9074 · 16/01/2023 10:34

They sound pretty awful but when you said older children I thought you were going to say somewhere between 15 and 17. Yes, it’s bratty to declare they are not going but letting them have a say on the destination options would have been sensible.

You want them to participate in the holiday, right? So why not ensure as far as you can it’s something they’re going to like?

All that said I think at that age their too old for family holidays unless it’s something they’ll get something out of, and if they were just in the room and on their phones last time Id have left it.