AWBU blended family drama

[Shawaddywaddeee]

So myself and my partner thought it would be nice to take our older kids away (without the younger ones)
On an all expenses paid holiday.
So we can go out have a laugh etc without having to be in early for the lil ones.

They agreed they'd love to go so we did our research and booked Marbella .

To our shock we've been told the location is chavvy and we're shit parents because we didn't ask where they wanted to go.

But we genuinely thought we'd taken all their own personal needs into consideration and got a great deal!

It's cost us £4000 (all inclusive) and they are saying they're not coming!

My partner is so upset because we were so excited and looking forward to having some quality time with the older kids but have been met with utter discontent :(

They are 20, 20, 18

Have we fucked up here or are they acting like spoilt brats?

YABU. The very least you should have done was consulted them on destination.

Personally I think a free holiday is a free holiday. I don't know how many children there are or how often you go on hokiday. I would give them a week to come up with an alternative for the same budget and if they still don't want to come then say that's fine we'll take the younger ones or son's friends.
It sounds like the ex is stirring.

I cant get over how ungrateful and entitled they sound. That would do it for me and I would tell them that they are on their own from now on. Go wherever you want whenever you want but on your own funds.

My sister's DD tried this a couple of years ago - she was 17 at the time. My sis and her DH were booking holidays for the summer and her DD tried to tell her that she didn't want to go there (apparently it wasn't the cool place to go that year) so my sistertold her that if she didn't want to go with them that was fine - who was she going to stay with while they were away. She changed her tone fairly rapidly after that.

What on earth makes you think we "knew they'd hate it"?

Aw man.

Yes they're being ungrateful and rude.

However, Marbella is one of the few resorts I really wouldn't want to go to. It's definitely very brits abroad/TOWIE/Instagram it girl.

I've been as a group where it was chosen by someone else and I definitely wouldn't choose to go back. It's very marmite.

If it had been booked for me all expenses paid I'd go and make the best of it, but I'd be a bit disappointed that it wasn't somewhere else.

Can you not cancel and rebook?

No we wanted to surprised them :(

I think you should have discussed it but that ship has sailed, so therefore I would say ".. lesson learned.. if we do this again I'll involve you, but we are still going... we'd like you to come with us but if you don't want to come that's fine. Can you let me have a final decision by Wednesday so I can ask someone else to take your places if you don't want them"

I think you’ve booked the perfect location, you’ve taken into account their ages and they have safe places to go off to on their own.
Honestly I would cancel their places and go with your DP and DS. Don’t spend time talking them into it or changing it.
They are a funny age where they probably want a free holiday but also know they are old enough to go with their friends and not their parents.
You are going through the awkward age holiday phase.

Yes I think we're now thinking once everyone's calmed down we want to sit down and discuss where they would like to go

But I do think there's more to this than the holiday...

There's been a lot of "we should be your priority as YOUR kids" etc

Actually, I think a total reframe would be better than telling the OP to negotiate with ungrateful snobs

We are going on holiday to Marbella. We would be delighted if you’d come with us. You’ve said you’re available on these dates.

And don’t let them dictate how you spend your money. If they don’t want to come because they’re too good for Marbella; they don’t have to come.

I don't think they are being not ideal but now our child is old enough we consult them on where we are going

I know you are trying to do something nice but I am also uncomfortable with the idea of someone/people having to be grateful just because

They should have been nicer but maybe best consult?

It's incredibly normal to give adults a say in their holiday destination, or allow them to refuse to go rather than booking it first then complaining they don't want to go after all.

That's how most adult relationships work.

It's not incredibly normal to book a surprise holiday somewhere full of Russian mafia and British criminals on the run and drug dealers, then automatically expect gratitude.

Why not ... just ask for opinions first ....??

Or even, say 'this is where we are going, we'll pay for you if you want to come'?

Why didn't you do either of those perfectly normal non-controlling things?

Hmm slightly bratty but really I don’t know why you didn’t discuss destination with them.
If you are considering cancelling anyway then why not do that and use the £4000 less any nonrefundable payment to choose somewhere else together.

I imagine a shorter holiday somewhere like Iceland or Dubai would have been preferred

❤️

Banus and Marbella are a magnet for TOWIE types, wanna be TOWIE types, crooks, drug dealers on holiday etc. Chavs drawn to a 'classy' destination. Great for the Insta pics, bragging rights etc. My family used to have a holiday home high on the hills there and both places have fallen from 1980's upmarket and elite to chav central dressed in real and fake LV. The elite stay away from the hotels and bars in the area, preferring their yachts or more discrete ports in the vicinity

We didn't realise it was such an issue as we would've just been grateful to be taken away 🙈

Iceland will be deemed too cold and boring

Dubai the daughter won't go as she's gay and says they're hostile there 🙈

I would assume less 'look like a turkey' and more 'flew to Turkey for cheap dentistry' so fake looking overly white teeth

Yanbu, they’re being incredibly ungrateful when it sounds like you’ve carefully picked a holiday to suit everyone (and you’re paying!). Do you think their mum might have said something negative where ever you’d picked? Eg somewhere with culture/history = “ugh, that sounds boring…” etc? Sone people just like to complain or put a dampener in things. My ex was exactly like this 🙄 but didn’t want to do the actual research and booking himself, just wanted to complain about my suggestions.

my parents have invited me on (paid for) holidays a few times during my life (last one I was 38 I think with my ds). They invite, we sort dates, they give an indication of type of holiday and maybe the country then my dad books sonething based on everyone’s needs, budget etc 🤷🏻‍♀️. I’m never anything but grateful and that has been whether I’m 18 or 38 or somewhere in between!

I think id just call their bluff and go “oh, ok - we are disappointed but if you don’t want to come we will cancel“ and leave it at that. You did something nice but you can take a horse to water… and all that 🤷🏻‍♀️. Id bet they’ll be crawling back going “oh, well it is chavvy but we think we can lower ourselves to mix with the Essex turkey teeth people to come just for you…” 🙄. It’s up to you what you do at that point!

I don't think you did anything wrong. Every year I say to my adult children 'I am booking a holiday...here...do you want to come'. They always say yes, are grateful for the free holiday and very happy that I book and pay for it.
I perfectly understand you wanting it to be a surprise. I would tell them that they are not obliged to come with you but that is where you are going!

We obvs didn't realise this 🙈

Yes, this would be a totally normal approach, and one many parents take.

But of course it doesn't let op frame her stepkids as badly as this does. This way she can tell her friends, and mn, how unreasonable her stepkids are and she soooooo tried to do a nice thing etc.

It doesn't sound like they have handled it well OP.

BUT fundamentally a lot of people do not like or appreciate surprises. Personally a surprise holiday would not be appreciated and the fact that I'm supposed to feel grateful for surprises and guilty that I don't makes me even more annoyed!!

I'd cancel and start from scratch with all five of us discussing what you want to do.

As a step child I really really wouldn't just take your son and create a golden child dynamic (or perception of one) that can last a very long time.

Sounds like their DM is a mumsnetter and snobby about Marbella. I went in November before a city break to Granada and thought it was very nice, I also enjoyed Puerto Banus.

Yes I think your DH sitting down with them and showing them the hotel and asking where they would prefer to go will help hopefully.

He needs to remain unemotional, explain that he thought they would like this hotel. He could ask them to go away and think about it, maybe see if they can come up with preferable alternatives at the same price.

They may soon realise that what you've sourced is a good option.

It's a way to describe people who go to Turkey (the country) to get their veneers (teeth) done as it's cheaper.

The teeth are all uniform, bright, bright white and straight. Everyone who gets their teeth done there have the exact same style.

They file the existing teeth to tiny pegs and fit the veneers and bonding over the top.

Google katie price filed teeth for a before picture