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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

364 replies

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:18

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

OP posts:
DixonD · 15/01/2023 23:54

justasmalltownmum · 15/01/2023 22:23

We got married 6 months after engagement. Sorry but it's a red flag.

Same. We only got engaged when we actually intended to get married. So many couples get engaged without any thought of actually having a wedding. Perhaps he was of this mind?

Eyerollcentral · 15/01/2023 23:54

EasterIssland · 15/01/2023 23:52

He sounds like he’s getting stressed about how fast you’re going. You got engaged less than a week ago and everyone knows by now and even informed the bridesmaids. I would get stressed as well if things were moving this fast and that’s why I’d ask you to chill out.

I had a similar wedding to yours number wise and we got everything prepared in a year but my wedding was too relaxed we didn’t book anything apart from registry office and restaurant so it was easy to plan

Fast?!? They have been together 10 years. If you get engaged you are saying let’s get married, not let’s leave it a while and see. Of course everybody knows, why wouldn’t they?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2023 23:58

Having a child is both our priority then wedding.

🤦

He is never going to marry you. He "proposed" to shut you up. Why on earth would you not get married before having his children? This is a recipe for disaster. He gets everything he wants without making any commitment to you.

Daechwita · 15/01/2023 23:59

We got married 15 months after getting engaged. I was 36 at the time and wanted to be married before we started trying for a baby. I would have happily married him sooner, but this was the minimum amount of time we needed to save the money to have the wedding we wanted without getting into debt. I wouldn't have been impressed if DH had told me two years was too soon.

Rainbowshit · 16/01/2023 00:04

After 20 years I'd be wanting to have the wedding probably in the summer. Perhaps the summer next year if set on having a particular venue. 2 years is way too long.

Do not have kids with this guy until you are married.

theycallmejane · 16/01/2023 00:08

Sorry, OP, but on the face of it, this seems like an attempt to keep you on the hook without a real commitment. I think it's normal to plan to get married within a year - if it gets pushed back for reasons, that's also normal - but from the outset, to plan to wait more than two years? That's what 16-year-old kids do, not people of your age.

I am slightly confused by his agreeing to try for a baby, though - does he realise that you could get pregnant on the first try? A baby is a much bigger commitment than a marriage...

Given you want to get married and he's reluctant to... if you do have kids with him now, be very careful to protect yourself. Give the baby your surname, and don't give up work.

I hope this all works out the way you want, but be cautious. All the best, OP.

ShesThunderstorms · 16/01/2023 00:15

I personally wouldn't want to wait 2 years if I was 37 and wanted to wait until after the wedding to start trying for kids.
I would wait that long if I didn't want to be married first, if I was happy to have a baby soon. Or if I just didn't want kids at all.

Missdiva · 16/01/2023 00:26

Some like to plan straight away some like to enjoy the engagement period
some life just gets in the way.
when my partner proposed almost 2.5 years ago we had a busy few months but we talked about planning straight away and booked a venue not long after.
(Still in the naivety that covid would be gone in 12-18 months) so we have had 2.5 year engagement- we just want to be married now (thankfully not long left to wait)
but give it a month of 2, approach it again with him but in mean time have a look on a few websites get a little idea in your head of what sort of venue you like get, get on Pinterest and just toy with some ideas. but chill your beans with guest lists and bridemaids- a lot changes in 2 years. Nothing needs to me set in stone so quickly.
enjoy the engagement at least a week or 2 first

Mariposa26 · 16/01/2023 00:32

Have you been talking a lot about getting engaged and asking when it’s going to happen? Like others it feels to me like he has asked to get the question out of the way and is now putting it off. Two years is not unreasonable at all and is quite usual, even more so in late 30s.

HarryTheStallion · 16/01/2023 00:35

Why not have a register office wedding, get yourself legally sorted then have a wedding party in two years.

Blondewithredlips · 16/01/2023 00:41

You are quite old if you want children. 2 years is simply ridiculous. 6 months would be reasonable.

Flameshame · 16/01/2023 00:48

We are girls so we are excited about it!

both parties are meant to be excited. Genitalia doesn’t come into it

MGMidget · 16/01/2023 00:56

If you were in your early 20s that might be fine but given your ages, how long you have been together and that you have bought a house together less than a year’s wait would be more normal. I waited a year and a bit but only so we could get the venues I wanted at a nice time of the year for a wedding! If you want children I would prioritise that and discuss it with him. It may be that he doesnt want children and he is running down your biological clock so he gets his way!

samqueens · 16/01/2023 01:06

Oh dear lord - I’m really sorry but that man is never going to marry you. two years is TOO SOON?!?? Errr… I don’t think so. And he’s told you your annoying and impulsive for waiting a decade for a proposal?

I appreciate you have a plan and some great times with him etc but (discreetly) read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Can be downloaded on kindle app). I hope it doesn’t reasonate with you. If it does act accordingly. If it doesn’t then great - insist on setting a date and see if you can get him to commit. If you can’t then I really wouldn’t waste any more time on him.

In the meanwhile take full control of contraception - you do not want to have a baby with him if this is how he treats you. Sooner or later you will realise that you don’t want someone toxic in your life for the rest of your life. I’m really sorry if this sounds harsh and not as empathetic as it could but please just save yourself.

Ponoka7 · 16/01/2023 01:07

Has he claimed that you have been impatient to have a baby? Up to what age does he think that pregnancy happens easily? Unless dates are set, the wedding won't happen. Or will he only marry you if a baby appears? Up to two years is the usual amount of time, in your age group and that's only if a certain venue etc is wanted.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 16/01/2023 01:10

NeedAHoliday2021 · 15/01/2023 23:01

Marry before children. Once you have children they will be your priority and the wedding will never happen.

Can I ask why you haven't TTC before now, given your age?

It could take a while, now you're in your late 30s.

Marriage gives you protection and security as a pp says. Once you start TTC, you'll find all your focus is on that and the wedding will go out the window. Once you ARE pg, that will be another reason to postpone. And then you'll find yourself in a potentially precarious situation with a child and a partner who has barely any legal responsibility to you.

There are thousands of thread on MN where women find themselves in this position. I hope very much that you don't. But please get married before you have a child.

Sunnytwobridges · 16/01/2023 01:17

That seems long to me unless you’re in college and waiting to graduate first. You are older so I would think no longer than a year maybe a year and half if you have to save up money for a wedding

Judgyjudgy · 16/01/2023 01:22

To me the point of being engaged is to get married, so if two years is too soon for him then that would be a bit concerning. Maybe he's not ready. Most people take a year as that's how long you need to plan a wedding sometimes.

samqueens · 16/01/2023 01:30

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:44

We do want children and are planning to start within next month or so. If pregnancy occurred then wedding would be postponed until better time. This is fine by me.

Having a child is both our priority then wedding. However, without a crystal ball I don't want to live my life on the basis that I may be pregnant or have a baby. Until the line appears on a stick then I am carrying on as usual.

I agree I did excited about the guest list but it was just genuinely writing our immediate families names in my pad. I made it sound more than what it was in my original post. I also didn't say that he had told me the church that he wants to get married in.

I'm a PA so I'm a planner and organised. Reason waiting 2 years is due to money as doing up our wreck of a house plus my Mum isn't very well (that's a different thread.)

I'm upset by his reaction tonight.

OMG do not be an unmarried mother with this guy as your partner. Is he the higher earner? Is the house in both your names? How is it owned? Did you put in equal amounts to buy it? Have you discussed how having children will financially impact you both, as well as you personally? How it will impact your career and earning potential? have you discussed how childcare would work, financially and practically?

Are you aware of how deeply insecure a position you could end up in if you have a baby with him and he doesn’t marry you and the relationship hits serious difficulties? There must be literally thousands of threads on mumsnet written by women in that position - don’t end up being one of them.

being a planner is great, but you have to be able to step back and see the big picture as well

SandyY2K · 16/01/2023 01:37

You've been together 10 years and he says getting married in 2 years is too soon?

That's madness.

SeemsSoUnfair · 16/01/2023 01:37

Hopefully he is just getting used to the idea. Grown adults do not get engaged to simply be engaged.

An engagement is an announcement of your intention to get married. Usually the following year, 2 years max. Give him a couple of weeks then if he doesn't want what making plans to get married give him the ring back and tell him to propose when he does. That is less embarrassing than a never ending engagement and constantly being asked when the wedding is.

You then need to decide if you are willing to wait for a man not willing/ready or able to commit.

momtoboys · 16/01/2023 01:50

You don’t say how old you are or how long you have been together but two years is a long time. Sounds like he wants to get the praise for getting engaged but not actually get married.

TerraNostra · 16/01/2023 01:51

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:44

We do want children and are planning to start within next month or so. If pregnancy occurred then wedding would be postponed until better time. This is fine by me.

Having a child is both our priority then wedding. However, without a crystal ball I don't want to live my life on the basis that I may be pregnant or have a baby. Until the line appears on a stick then I am carrying on as usual.

I agree I did excited about the guest list but it was just genuinely writing our immediate families names in my pad. I made it sound more than what it was in my original post. I also didn't say that he had told me the church that he wants to get married in.

I'm a PA so I'm a planner and organised. Reason waiting 2 years is due to money as doing up our wreck of a house plus my Mum isn't very well (that's a different thread.)

I'm upset by his reaction tonight.

Had you already agreed to start trying for a baby next month before he proposed? Or was that the first thing you discussed after he asked you to marry him?

I got married within 6 months of getting engaged. Just get on with it! I can’t imagine asking friends and family to stay interested for a 2 year engagement! It’s insane that your DP doesn’t think that is long enough.

Personally I’d be much happier TTC after getting married, there is a thread about this elsewhere.

FurAndFeathers · 16/01/2023 01:57

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:45

Do you think so? I really hope not. I'd be heartbroken.

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@Littlemoon31 how do you currently manage finances?

be careful you don’t literally end up holding the baby with little financial support as a non-married partner

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