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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

364 replies

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:18

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:45

kitcat15 · 15/01/2023 22:31

He’s stalling…likely he doesn’t want to get married….….depends how long you are prepared to wait? You are late 30s….Your ship may have already sailed for babies….who knows?

Do you think so? I really hope not. I'd be heartbroken.

OP posts:
qpmz · 15/01/2023 22:45

If the OP and her boyfriend wanted children they would have had them by now because they've been together 10 years. You don't have to marry to have children!

CurlsandCurves · 15/01/2023 22:46

2 years of wedding planning I’m sure I’d have driven us both mad!

I’d be curious to know why he thinks 2 years is ‘rushing it’.

hellosunshineagainxxx · 15/01/2023 22:48

I was engaged for 21 months. Between 18 months and 2 years seems the norm in the UK

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:48

Y7drama · 15/01/2023 22:31

I’d wonder if he really wanted to marry you. 2 years is a fairly long engagement especially as you’ve been together 10 years. Do you want children?

I know I'm not am I.

Mind you I don't want too right now because he has annoyed me.

But for what it's worth he is very kind, funny and hard working.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 15/01/2023 22:49

@Littlemoon31 You’ve been together so long I would want the wedding asap, everyone I know who got engaged over 35 was married within a year max. I would not consider trying to conceive before you get married to this guy as you’ll be waiting another 10 years to get hitched if you do. Don’t waste the money on a big wedding, have a small wedding and do it asap. If he doesn’t want to do it I would really be ending it. It is not reasonable to wait more than two years when you are kicking 40!

meditrina · 15/01/2023 22:49

Do check on the legal differences between marriage and cohabitation before TTC. It's important if you are planning to take time off in ways that limit your earnings and/or career trajectory.

Getting engaged, sorry, means nothing unless you start setting the date.

And even with the longer lead times these days compared to the norms when I get married, I think 2 years is a very long time.

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:51

Bechets · 15/01/2023 22:24

I'd ask him why he bothered proposing if he doesn't want to get married anytime soon.

What he said about you rushing into things also sounds quite hurtful. Are you happy with him?

Mostly yes. He isn't perfect but who is.

He isn't very good at communicating which is a downfall.

OP posts:
Puppyseahorse · 15/01/2023 22:51

This sounds really odd to me. Trying for a baby in a few months isn’t too soon, but getting married in 2 years is too soon? he’s ready for the baby commitment but not the marriage commitment?

is his only issue money? If that’s the case, I’d say plan something small and inexpensive that you can do in the next few months, even if you are pregnant.

you’ll save yourself a ton of money, lots of hassle, and a bunch of arguments. In my experience, big complicated weddings aren’t that much fun for the bride & groom!

CandleCandleCandle · 15/01/2023 22:52

Did he propose so you’d try for a baby?

junebirthdaygirl · 15/01/2023 22:52

Could it just be that you reacted so quickly he felt overwhelmed. When dh and l decide anything he immediately goes into action and l then panic as its all too fast for me. Its like l try to balance out his haste by slowing things down. Its like an instinct in me.Just hold off on everything for a few days to give him time to catch up with bridesmaids/ lists etc. But you do need to start moving on a baby as that is a situation that needs a bit of a rush.
But a word of warning he was mean saying those things about you always rush in to things..especially in the excitement of getting engaged. I hope he doesn't count your faults like that too often.

Hesma · 15/01/2023 22:52

I got engaged in January and married that October

gemloving · 15/01/2023 22:53

We were engaged 2 years and 10 months due to COVID and that was LONG

DirectionToPerfection · 15/01/2023 22:54

Be very careful about having a baby with this man before marriage OP. He'll just string you along forever.

Is there a reason you haven't tried to conceive before now? Were you waiting to get married?

You could do a basic registry office wedding in a few months, try to conceive, then have a reception at some in the future.

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:54

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/01/2023 22:34

I suppose it depends on what type of wedding you want and how long it'll take to save?

If you want a big wedding then it'll cost a few thousand (average UK wedding is around £20k or something I think) so maybe he wants to have a few months just enjoying being engaged before having to scrimp and save (if that's the case!).

2 years is about right imo (former wedding manager). For a lot of people that's how long they have to wait to get the right date at their chosen venue.

I want a small wedding. 30 in the day. Then about 50 in the night including day people.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2023 22:54

Decent communication is one of the cornerstones of a good marriage. And bringing up children.

Someone who jumps straight to insults and character assassination isn’t someone who can communicate like a grown up.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/01/2023 22:56

After 10 yrs together you either know or not. I’d have more just expected you to decide to marry and have a wedding shortly after.
Is he perhaps worried about money or level of fuss. I think setting a date and choosing bridesmaids before speaking to him is odd.
All you can do is discuss with him.
Personally I’d want to legally marry before children - are you both aware of legal differences marrying v cohabitation, CAB has a good guide.

Eyerollcentral · 15/01/2023 22:56

CandleCandleCandle · 15/01/2023 22:52

Did he propose so you’d try for a baby?

Yes I wondered this. Makes it seem like he is committed but nothing has actually changed. I wouldn’t be planning a baby with someone trying to fob me off with an engagement. He is either sure after ten years or he isn’t.

CandleCandleCandle · 15/01/2023 22:56

I’d also want a small wedding before trying to conceive.
Is your home in both your names?

LeFeu · 15/01/2023 22:56

We had 21 months between proposal and wedding, and I thought that was long! It was only because I was finishing up a degree that we waited that long. I’d be a bit concerned he wasn’t really that into getting married and that we’d just be engaged for ages tbh!

Mamai90 · 15/01/2023 22:57

kitcat15 · 15/01/2023 22:31

He’s stalling…likely he doesn’t want to get married….….depends how long you are prepared to wait? You are late 30s….Your ship may have already sailed for babies….who knows?

You'll likely be fine OP if you get cracking now. My friendship circle are still having babies into their 40s. 37 isn't too old though I wouldn't leave it any longer.

tara66 · 15/01/2023 22:57

That is very odd in these circumstances. What exactly is he waiting for?

DestinysGrandchild · 15/01/2023 22:57

You don't even want a big wedding? Tell him you want to get married sooner then.

Why will he have kids now but not marry you now? I don't get it. Kids are more of a commitment.

Eyerollcentral · 15/01/2023 22:57

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:54

I want a small wedding. 30 in the day. Then about 50 in the night including day people.

Show quote history

There is no reason why you could not have this kind of wedding within the next year

2chocolateoranges · 15/01/2023 22:58

It’s taken him 10 years to propose , he doesn’t sound like he actually wants to get married and I can guarantee that if you have a child first then there will be no wedding..

dh asked me to marry him after being together 4 years and our wedding was 5 months later. Why wait?