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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

364 replies

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:18

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

OP posts:
Lapland123 · 15/01/2023 23:00

Way too long. If you’ve been together since your late twenties, the big question is do you want children or not? I presume you’ve discussed this?!

if you’ve been together 10 year, get married this year- what’s to wait for?

Unless one of you actually doesn’t want to get married

Lovemydoggiesomuch · 15/01/2023 23:00

Husband proposed to me in January and we got married in the August…30 years ago .

Happin · 15/01/2023 23:00

The only thing I'd say is you landed 24 hours ago and you've asked bridesmaids, wrote a list, picked a date.....all seems quite go go go, and if he's a chilled person he's prob thinking woah! But 2 years isn't too soon

NeedAHoliday2021 · 15/01/2023 23:01

Marry before children. Once you have children they will be your priority and the wedding will never happen.

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 23:01

Cockle1234 · 15/01/2023 22:38

Congratulations. I also got engaged last week. For some perspective - we are looking at getting married in 18 months time, and that's mostly because the chapel we want to marry in is only open in summer months, and we need enough planning time. All we've done so far is write a guest list and Google some venues. The guest list is pretty important because we need to know what capacity venues we're looking at (to pp suggesting thats too much too soon). We are hoping to have a date and venues booked in the next couple of months. We wouldn't want to wait two years plus - there's little point in an engagement if there's no intention of marrying/planning it. We are in the same position as you, age wise, house 3 years ago, and 10ish years together. I think your two year plan is reasonable, longer than that isn't

Thank you. Congratulations too.

I've not been going on to him. But he's been there when my sister, his sister and his mum have been there talking about it excited/saying Congratulations/sending dresses.

We are girls so we are excited about it! What does he want me to do, ignore the engagement?!

He is going to my parents tomorrow to see them as he thinks it's the right thing to do after being engaged. Plus he has picked/said the church.

OP posts:
Rebel2023 · 15/01/2023 23:01

That's not rushing!
Ok different times but my parents were engaged 6 weeks after meeting and married 4 months after that. Together 51 years

DoNotGetADog · 15/01/2023 23:02

If you want children and aren’t bothered about being married before you do (unwise imo, but each to his own) then why have you waited 10 years until you are in your late thirties to even start trying to conceive?

Fair enough for people who just didn’t meet the right person so couldn’t avoid it, but surely you would have been better doing this 5 years ago?

I also think if it takes 10 years to get engaged then maybe they’re not the one for you after all.

But in answer to your question, no, 2 years is quite a long time between engagement and wedding, or at least it’s certainly not unduly hasty!

Eyerollcentral · 15/01/2023 23:03

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 23:01

Thank you. Congratulations too.

I've not been going on to him. But he's been there when my sister, his sister and his mum have been there talking about it excited/saying Congratulations/sending dresses.

We are girls so we are excited about it! What does he want me to do, ignore the engagement?!

He is going to my parents tomorrow to see them as he thinks it's the right thing to do after being engaged. Plus he has picked/said the church.

Show quote history

Surely if he wanted to do that he should have spoken to your parents before you got engaged?

Summerfun54321 · 15/01/2023 23:04

This is seriously odd, late 30s and wanting to wait over 2 years to get married?! For want of a better phrase he needs to shit or get off the pot. You are well within the realms of reasonable to want to be married within the year for a small wedding. Why does he get to have the final say on when you get married? Surely any doting fiancé would like to keep their partner happy and reach a compromise.

GoingtotheWinchester · 15/01/2023 23:05

Why on earth is he going to speak to your parents? Is he a visitor from the 20th century? 😳

I would absolutely get cracking on kids first (if you haven’t changed your mind) - you’re making life hard for yourselves by waiting any longer.

GetThatHelmetOn · 15/01/2023 23:06

Erm… why did he propose if he doesn’t want to get married??? 2 years is plenty, in fact, there is a common belief that if you don’t get married in two years you never will. Simply put the longer you leave it, the less essential it looks. Having said that, do not have children before marrying no matter how engaged you are, it puts you in a very vulnerable position particularly if he has already established he just wants an engagement, not getting married.

GetThatHelmetOn · 15/01/2023 23:07

“For want of a better phrase he needs to shit or get off the pot.”

This ^

Tiani4 · 15/01/2023 23:07

When you get engaged it's because you want to get married and want to start planning the wedding

Really I'd expect to be booking wedding after engagement

And 2 years is a LONG run up to a wedding- if can be done in 9 months if you crack in with it

Thesonglastslonger · 15/01/2023 23:10

Why did he propose if he doesn’t want to marry you? Won’t even discuss setting a date? Sounds to me like a “There that’ll keep her quiet and off my back now I can get on with life how I want it.”

OP please don’t ttc in this situation. If he doesn’t want to set a date now, he never will.

And two years is a VERY long time. 9-12 months is plenty of time.

Mumsnet is full of threads by women saying “I’ve been engaged for 15 years but my partner won’t get married.” To my
mind if you aren’t planning your wedding with a definite timeline then you aren’t engaged at all, sorry.

You don’t have to get married! That’s fine! But being fobbed off like this is not fine.

I hope you’re aware that once married you have many legal protections that you do not have as an unmarried mother, for example the right to reside in the family home even if you don’t own it and not tonhave it sold without notice to you (if you register that right at the land registry).

Please don’t TTC in this situation. Just have a nice wedding in the next 12 months, whatever suits your current finances, and if that means registry office so be it. Then TTC and save the huge party for your 10 yr anniversary.

memyselfi · 15/01/2023 23:11

If you have a child before the wedding there won't be a wedding.

saraclara · 15/01/2023 23:11

Does he even understand the concept of an engagement?
After ten years, he still thinks a wedding after being together for twelve years is 'too soon'?

We got engaged six months after our first date, and married six months after that. Together for a very happy thirtyodd years, until his far too early death from cancer.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 15/01/2023 23:11

It sounds like it’s the money side that is making him say two years is too soon. If that turns out to be all it is, (and there may be other reasons) you can work out how much you can afford to save each month, work out a budget for the wedding you are both happy with and divide wedding cost by monthly savings to give you a target wedding date. That’s how DH and I did it. We worked out it would take 18 months to save up.

Sleeptightnightlight · 15/01/2023 23:15

Honestly on your position I'd want to get married quick so it's done before you have a baby? (It's a lot to do both at once).

I don't know anyone who has been engaged for longer than two years and then actually gotten married. Lots shorter that two years, some at around two years (usually where they were waiting for a specific popular venue).

moleeye · 15/01/2023 23:17

We got engaged in March and are getting married next September.

As soon as we got engaged we started looking at venues and agreeing dates. By May we had found somewhere we loved and were all booked in.

He is just as excited as I am to talk about it and plan. He will often send me ideas on Instagram or a text of something he's seen.

Doesn't sound like your OH actually wants to get married....

Newtrix · 15/01/2023 23:24

2 years is a long engagement, we were married after 16 months and that felt like ages.

Womencanlift · 15/01/2023 23:24

Sorry to say I would be questioning his commitment. Why propose now after 10 years if he has got no plans to marry you for several years yet?

Before you start doing anymore planning I would have a serious talk about timescales because you are both definitely not in the same page and that is not a great place to be with the person you are commuting your life too.

To answer your original question a 2 year engagement after a 10 year relationship sounds more than fair

Teenagehorrorbag · 15/01/2023 23:25

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:45

Do you think so? I really hope not. I'd be heartbroken.

Show quote history

We got engaged in July and married in October. I was 39. Started trying for a family straight away but it turned out I was on the brink of an early menopause, and had left it too late!

After a few years of tests and one attempt at IVF we went abroad and used donor eggs, and now have two lovely DC. So don't despair if TTC isn't straightforward - although I hope that for you it is.

I'd be upset as well about his lack of interest in making plans - but perhaps it's because he wants a family, and feels that if that works out then the wedding may well have to be delayed/deferred/turned into a quick registry office do? Children are expensive and you may decide once you have a family, that the big white wedding isn't a priority any more?

But you do need to be married if you start a family - for financial security - so don't let him put you off indefinitely......

Congratulations on your engagement!

321user123 · 15/01/2023 23:46

2 years is TOO SOON??

I find it somewhat bizarre unless you have met on Tuesday and he proposed on Wednesday.

Normally, in my head you propose once you’re ready to get married, and realistically if one said yes you should be ready to get married in a weeks time, otherwise what’s even the point of proposals and waiting for them?

This is obviously quite personal and it’s up to you but that’s my opinion.

Anecdote: My husband proposed, I accepted and we were ready to get married right there and then, but there weren’t dates available for a couple of months, so we had to wait but got married within 2.5months or so.
Personally, if he would have proposed and then said something like your partner I would have told him to jog on and assumed he’s effectively playing with me and my emotions. Just me though.

EasterIssland · 15/01/2023 23:52

He sounds like he’s getting stressed about how fast you’re going. You got engaged less than a week ago and everyone knows by now and even informed the bridesmaids. I would get stressed as well if things were moving this fast and that’s why I’d ask you to chill out.

I had a similar wedding to yours number wise and we got everything prepared in a year but my wedding was too relaxed we didn’t book anything apart from registry office and restaurant so it was easy to plan

DixonD · 15/01/2023 23:52

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:19

Sorry for being long

Show quote history

Then why quote the entire post?! 😁