Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

[Littlemoon31]

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

*please

he has the luxury of time with his fertility, you dont

Yes I don't want to go. It is trekking and traveling in South America. Then flying on to another destination. He would be away from home for 3 to 4 weeks.

He has saved up most of his adult life for it and his bonds mature at the end of the year. I was ok with him going before the proposal but not now especially as he has said no to marrying soon.

For what it is worth I want a registry office. It is him who wants a big wedding.

A genuine partner would prioritise you over everything else. If going on a once in a lifetime trip, it would be with you, his partner and supposed favourite person in the world. You don't want the same things. Cut your losses is my advice, I can't see this improving. He's certainly showing where you fit in with his priorities - and it's nowhere near where you should be If you do continue with this relationship, you can't say the warning signs weren't there...

The big wedding is an excuse to not just pop to the registry office. It gives him a reason to delay and put off and deny it can be afforded.

I really feel for you. He is so unbelievably selfish. His parents must be mortified. You’ve shown him up to now he can make you play second fiddle to what he wants. I get it, you were trying to be supportive. However when he was planning this trip of a lifetime why weren’t you included? I think it’s increasingly clear that he has proposed so that you’ll have a baby, which would be the end for me because it’s a cynical ploy and completely dishonest

If he doesn't have the motivation to attend his own (free!) engagement party, how will he summon the motivation to attend his own wedding?

Absolute knob.

I don't think you need to hear anything more from him. You know all you need to know. Get rid or you'll regret it.

People who want big weddings don't shun engagement parties.

..... So when does what you want factor into his plans? Or when do you get a say.

I couldn't be such a passenger in my own life OP. I get the feeling his attitude is "I proposed so you should be grateful for that". It's very crumbs off my table/shit on my shoe.

Thank you. He is being selfish you're right.

I had said before all of this that I didn't want to go with him as it does not appeal to me at all.

It’s fine not to want to do all the same thing, but did you say he has bonds maturing next year?? Surely that’s a significant amount of money? How much is he planning to spend on this trip - which by splitting living expenses you have enabled him to save for. Did you discuss getting engaged before you did? Was it completely out of the blue?

I think you should contemplate asking him outright if he wants to get married at all, or if he proposed because he thought it would keep you quiet for a few more years and take the pressure off. I know that sounds awful but I’ve seen it so many times with friends.

this
start trying for a baby and you can sort the wedding out in the same time

We got engaged married 9 months after getting engaged. We'd been together 11 years at that point. We already had 2 kids by then though...

He sounds worse with every single update. A selfish self centred man child who has no consideration or respect for you

do NOT marry this man (not that he would actually go through with a marriage anyway - thete will always be a reason why not)

OP you deserve so so much more than this you really do. Tell him to shove his ring & his engagement & put yourself first for once

I feel so sorry for you that you have spent so much of your life with a man who can't even be arsed with an engagement party and much less a wedding. Your wishes just don't matter to this man. Please don't think that you're at all unreasonable. You deserve someone who cares about making you happy.

Its interesting you describe him as chilled Op. He sounds anything but chilled.

He sounds emotionally cold non communicative and controlling..he isnt interested right now in how you feel and doesnt even want to discuss this huge issue.

What does 'enjoy' being engaged mean? To me it means you can start planning a wedding.

I say this kindly but it sounds like some v poor communication between you generally if he can just refuse to discuss things

Whst would happen if you sat down and said you want to be married and you want it soon

he has a very expensive once in a lifetime trip organised for March 2024

How’s it going to work if you have a young child or are due during the trip? Trips like the one he’s booking aren’t usually flexible.

You have different priorities.

Dating 10+ years before engagement is totally fine, engagement 2+ years totally normal (just went to wedding where the couple has been engaged for 9 years), having kids and buying a house before marriage is all cool, saving and going to once in a lifetime trip sounds lovely. None of these are issues. The issue is that he can't give answers regarding his own desires for the future. Wanting a big wedding and refusing city hall but no interest in planning? Not being able to guarantee answers? All red flags. If he presented his savings plan for dream wedding that would take more than 2 years would show some interest in marriage. But just a generic no to anything and everything is not a man that wants marriage and commitment.

Wow at every update @Littlemoon31 💐💐

I get the trip of a lifetime if been saving

Dare I ask how much it is ?

But equally you are happy with a registry office so not costly wedding

And he still says no

It wouldn't be so bad if he said right let's book 2025 so can save

Tho means you will still be 2yrs older and as I said before fertility is dropping and I hope you won't have issues like I did and I started ttc when I was 32/33 and gave birth at almost 44 after 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf

If you want a baby with this man and forever ties then you need to be married ideally for financial reasons

I understand this is all a shock and not what you want but you may have to consider splitting up

I'm sorry, OP, this must be so hard for you, but I agree with this comment. He's stalling because he doesn't want to get married or be married. If it's not his trip it's the house. Next it'll be something else. He doesn't want to celebrate the engagement at a party because he knows it's not anything to celebrate.

This must be so hard for you. I'm sorry.

He sounds like a nearly-middle-aged Peter Pan, OP. How pathetic! I'm sorry you're facing this.

Hanging around for a decade was a huge mistake, but you don't have a time machine - it's done now.

The important thing now is to decide whether you are more interested in a partner or children. If children are the priority, I would start looking into single motherhood by choice right now. If a partner is the priority, I'd focus on looking for someone else. (Of course, you could always start both processes at the same time and see what happens....) Either way, I'd be kicking Man Baby to the curb right now and ending the relationship (and quietly hoping he got himself involved in some kind of unpleasant scrape in South America when he heads off there, but then I'm petty like that).

OP I think that you sound lovely and level headed (coming to compromise with registry office wedding, small city break, small party etc) and you’re dealing with a selfish and cowardly man.

However, are you being a bit delusional about the baby thing or are you struggling to accept and come to terms with it?

I’ve seen at least 15-20 posters mentioning not to have a baby with this man and some suggesting not until you’re legally married. But you haven’t made not one comment about it?

Are you really considering having a baby with someone like that?
he doesn’t put you as a couple first, how is he going to put a child first?
what if the trip ends up being around your due date? I can guarantee now he’ll kick up a fuss and go.
I also feel like you’ll end up being a single parent either way.

He never felt the need to marry you, because you’ve been there for 10 YEARS with him and never had to commit, why would he start now?

I know it sounds like you’ve invested a life time with him, and you have, but why invest 5 more years and being in your 40s and having to start over again? You see all of the red flags now.

Regardless, I wish you all the best.

He doesn’t deserve you OP. He’s a coward who wants everything his own way. After all your updates I think you’re wasting your time.

It will only get harder to leave as time goes on. Do it now. Keep the ring. It’s a gift. I’m sorry

I may be reading too much between the lines, OP, and I really don't say this to upset you, but everything you've shared makes me suspect the engagement is just another way to keep the status quo until his once-in-a-lifetime trip. It suits him to have a partner – he's clearly someone who went to the school of can't be arsed and makes the least effort possible in life to get by, proven by the fact he can't even be arsed to host his own engagement party. Buying the house together was again part of keeping the status quo. But in the back of his mind all this time has been this trip. It clearly means more to him than any wedding or even a baby – the money he's spending would surely come in more useful at home if you're planning a family. I would bet anything that you won't hear from him in the month he's away and he'll come back declaring that he's 'a changed man' and ends the relationship.

His family clearly have the measure of him, by saying he's selfish to contemplate the trip at this stage in your life. I think they can see what's coming too.

I would walk away now, I'm afraid.

Hi OP,

I’m so sorry that things have turned out this way.

Has it made you start to wonder if you even want to marry him?

Are you far off giving him an ultimatum?