Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

364 replies

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:18

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

OP posts:
littlelid · 15/01/2023 22:34

It's too soon to be deciding a date. I'd give him a week and then ask again. If he won't commit then dump him he's just playing.

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 15/01/2023 22:35

Discussed marriage November

Engaged December

married April.

together 5 years.

He’s not that in to you x

Dishwashersaurous · 15/01/2023 22:36

He doesn't want get married.
He doesn't want to get married.

The literal whole point of an engagement is to get married. If you said to me two years I would think that you didn't really want to get married either. Why not this summer?

Plus if you want children, at your age then you completely need to crack on with it

mnahmnah · 15/01/2023 22:36

We booked our venue the day we got engaged. As soon as I said ‘there’s a hotel near here I really like..’ DH laughed and said to go look at it. We both knew it was perfect and booked. Why would he propose if he didn’t want to actually plan a wedding?

DirectionToPerfection · 15/01/2023 22:37

I think two years is about right if you're still in your 20s and wanting to spend time saving for the wedding.

By mid to late 30s, two years seems like a long time and is definitely not rushing things.

In your position I'd be looking to book the wedding for spring or summer 2024. Sooner if you want kids but want to get married first. I'd be worried about your partner's hesitation.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 15/01/2023 22:37

He is stalling and has been very rude to you. 2 uears at your age and with how long you have been together is not quick.

has he suggested a date or time frame?

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 15/01/2023 22:37

DH & I were in our mid thirties when we met & got married 5 months after our engagement. The wedding was just over 14 months after our first date.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 15/01/2023 22:38

You've been together 10 years and he's telling you a wedding in two years is a prime example of your annoying tendency to rush things. 😶😶
FFS that's ridiculous.
He certainly knows how to manipulate the emotional criticism to get things his way doesn't he, jeez. Two years is hardly blisteringly quick is it. I think you're being led a merry dance by someone who doesn't seem to value your opinion much.
Are you sure you want to marry him.

DestinysGrandchild · 15/01/2023 22:38

I don't think he actually wants to get married.

Have you kept going on about getting married? And he feels like if he proposes it would keep you quiet?

It seems like you've tried to sort a lot in a couple of days. But 2 years is still quite a while away so I would wonder if it's actually what he wanted.

Cockle1234 · 15/01/2023 22:38

Congratulations. I also got engaged last week. For some perspective - we are looking at getting married in 18 months time, and that's mostly because the chapel we want to marry in is only open in summer months, and we need enough planning time. All we've done so far is write a guest list and Google some venues. The guest list is pretty important because we need to know what capacity venues we're looking at (to pp suggesting thats too much too soon). We are hoping to have a date and venues booked in the next couple of months. We wouldn't want to wait two years plus - there's little point in an engagement if there's no intention of marrying/planning it. We are in the same position as you, age wise, house 3 years ago, and 10ish years together. I think your two year plan is reasonable, longer than that isn't

CandleCandleCandle · 15/01/2023 22:39

We booked our venue the day we got engaged
We got engaged a couple of days before Christmas, by new year the venue and date has been booked. We got married early September, it would have been earlier but I was in my final year at university. I wasn’t waiting around in case he changed his mind.

BackOnTheBandWagon · 15/01/2023 22:39

Wtf? I'd say two years is long, although it depends on the kind of wedding you want. We got engaged and were married almost exactly a year later, planning all done within 8-9 months.

Agree with others. He's stalling.

Pieceofpurplesky · 15/01/2023 22:39

I would take it differently than you have - you landed yesterday and in 24 hours have got a date, asked
Your bridesmaid and want to plan and talk.
He pointed out you haven't even had chance to enjoy being engaged yet! Drink the champagne, chill a for a couple of weeks before you start talking dates!

PinkPlantCase · 15/01/2023 22:39

All sounds a bit strange. Firstly why didn’t you talk to him about it when you were provisionally planning a date and asking bridesmaids?

Have you not spoken about marriage before and what kind of future you want together?

2 years after engagement is fairly standard but my circle of friends are in their 20s. I don’t think I’d ever consider it too quick unless a couple were teenagers.

5YearsLeft · 15/01/2023 22:40

If he isn’t already ready after 10 years… and another two…

I don’t think anyone is going to tell you a two-year engagement is too short. It’s the longest normal engagement I’ve heard of, unless there were deeply extenuating circumstances (COVID, lockdowns, temporary international work assignment, serious illness).

This doesn’t sound to me like it has anything to do with your boyfriend being “relaxed.” Either he figured he “owed” you an engagement after 10 years of relationship, and now the engagement will “keep you quiet” for another decade, or some other reason that he benefits from being engaged but not married (as MANY other have mentioned, is he trying to run out your biological clock, because more than two years puts you at 40, and this way, he won’t have to worry about children).

But no, I’m sorry, OP. Something about this set up sounds like you’re being, well, set up.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/01/2023 22:40

Hes being ridiculous. Engaged to be married means you're planning to get married. Not something that may happen at some unspecified point in the future. But anyway calling you annoying over something that you're excited over, and something that is average (or on the long side possibly) for most people is a bit mean. And making out that you have pushed him against his will into other relationship milestones (buying a house after 7 year shocker) is also mean.

And what does he mean 'enjoy your engagement'. What's to enjoy that you havent been enjoying the past 10 years? What does he think will change when you're married to make this enjoyment stop?

How much do you want to get married va stay with him? Do you want kids and do you want to get married first? If the latter then I think you need to split as that's not going to happen. If the former then you might just have to wait and see

timetorefresh · 15/01/2023 22:41

We got married after 6 months. Id be very concerned that he's just stringing you along

Cotswoldmama · 15/01/2023 22:41

2 years is ages! My husband took 10 years to propose I was only 17 when we got together but it still felt like a long time. We got married 8 months later there's no way I would have waited any longer!

Smartiepants79 · 15/01/2023 22:42

You’ve already been together 10 years.
What is he waiting for?
Do you want children because you’ll be nearly 40 before you even start trying.
I’m not sure he wants to marry you that badly.

Snowite · 15/01/2023 22:42

Sorry OP, it sounds like he wants to keep you sweet / keep you from leaving, rather than wanting to marry you.

The way he belittled you and dragged up your past in an insulting manner (for suggesting 2 years away which is ages for an engagement at your age and relationship stage imho) is NOT the way a decent man treats his future wife. Sorry.

Minimalme · 15/01/2023 22:43

I think he'll showing you his lack of commitment.

Engagement should only happy when both parties are absolutely sure they want to spend the rest of their lives together.

He sounds unsure and is asking for 2+ years to work out if you're the one.

Bit shit - sorry op.

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:44

We do want children and are planning to start within next month or so. If pregnancy occurred then wedding would be postponed until better time. This is fine by me.

Having a child is both our priority then wedding. However, without a crystal ball I don't want to live my life on the basis that I may be pregnant or have a baby. Until the line appears on a stick then I am carrying on as usual.

I agree I did excited about the guest list but it was just genuinely writing our immediate families names in my pad. I made it sound more than what it was in my original post. I also didn't say that he had told me the church that he wants to get married in.

I'm a PA so I'm a planner and organised. Reason waiting 2 years is due to money as doing up our wreck of a house plus my Mum isn't very well (that's a different thread.)

I'm upset by his reaction tonight.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 15/01/2023 22:44

Absolutely not too soon, I got engaged at 8 years in and had a two year engagement to allow my then fiancé to be relaxed with it, but he certainly didn't say I was rushing things. I'd pushed hard to get engaged! (We're 15 years married this year)
The fact he doesn't want to break out the bubbly and be happy about it would bother me too.

Christmascracker0 · 15/01/2023 22:45

From the post it seems like he means four days after engagement is too soon to be discussing dates, rather than 2 years being too short an engagement?

He doesn’t sound nice either way!

AlwaysGinPlease · 15/01/2023 22:45

Sorry OP. I think after 10 years he is stalling. In what world is two years too soon. A proposal to keep you quiet with no intention to go through with a wedding. You deserve better.

Swipe left for the next trending thread