Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

364 replies

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:18

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

OP posts:
Desertbarncat · 16/01/2023 02:27

I hope you have spoken with a lawyer to understand how to financially protect yourself, buying a house and starting a family with someone you aren’t married to has financial repercussions.

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 02:31

junebirthdaygirl · 15/01/2023 22:52

Could it just be that you reacted so quickly he felt overwhelmed. When dh and l decide anything he immediately goes into action and l then panic as its all too fast for me. Its like l try to balance out his haste by slowing things down. Its like an instinct in me.Just hold off on everything for a few days to give him time to catch up with bridesmaids/ lists etc. But you do need to start moving on a baby as that is a situation that needs a bit of a rush.
But a word of warning he was mean saying those things about you always rush in to things..especially in the excitement of getting engaged. I hope he doesn't count your faults like that too often.

I agree and I will be speaking to him tomorrow regarding my supposed faults.

Everyone inc his own family say he has weird quirks. Honestly could write a book. But he has well burst my bubble.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 02:34

DirectionToPerfection · 15/01/2023 22:54

Be very careful about having a baby with this man before marriage OP. He'll just string you along forever.

Is there a reason you haven't tried to conceive before now? Were you waiting to get married?

You could do a basic registry office wedding in a few months, try to conceive, then have a reception at some in the future.

Buying and doing house up, my mums really sick. Other issues won't bore you with. Life is settled now.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2023 02:35

You have wasted so much time on this man, literally the best of your fertile years. It's awful. He is just stringing you along.

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 02:35

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2023 22:54

Decent communication is one of the cornerstones of a good marriage. And bringing up children.

Someone who jumps straight to insults and character assassination isn’t someone who can communicate like a grown up.

Good comment I will use this for tomorrow's discussion

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 02:39

Dixiechickonhols · 15/01/2023 22:56

After 10 yrs together you either know or not. I’d have more just expected you to decide to marry and have a wedding shortly after.
Is he perhaps worried about money or level of fuss. I think setting a date and choosing bridesmaids before speaking to him is odd.
All you can do is discuss with him.
Personally I’d want to legally marry before children - are you both aware of legal differences marrying v cohabitation, CAB has a good guide.

I haven't seen him tonight only chance and I genuinely didn't think 2 years be an issue considering we will be trying for a baby. He knows about bridesmaids and he picked church

OP posts:
Crimsonripple · 16/01/2023 02:45

I don't think wanting to get married in two years is rushing but you asking bridesmaids, writing a guest list etc is rushing. Slow down and enjoy being engaged! You've only just got back from your holiday!

Whatslovegottodowithit88 · 16/01/2023 02:46

We were engaged for just over 4 years before we got married but we were 25 when we got engaged, so a lot younger than you both.

Personally I would start to wonder whether I'd want to spend the rest of my life with some who objects to things and wants to live completely in the slow lane. Your biological clock is ticking if you wanted children as well.

Kokeshi123 · 16/01/2023 02:46

I would suggest to him:

Let’s just do a registry office wedding on the quiet like this Saturday (you just need 120 pounds or so and a couple of witnesses), get cracking on getting pregnant and have the baby/babies/ then have a nice “wedding reception party” in a few years’ time, with absolutely no stress or time pressure and all the time you want to plan something really nice.

His reaction to this will tell you a lot about whether he actually wants to get married and have kids or not.

I hope he says yes to the above; that way you can TTC straight away but be legally covered, and your “wedding” can take place at any date and you can plan it just as you like rather than it being a rush job with loads of stress.

The average age for women to stop being able to get pregnant naturally is 41, but that’s the top of a bell curve. I know plenty of women who got pregnant naturally well into their 40s. I also know similar numbers who TTC in their mid 30s or so and learned to their horror that they have basically no viable eggs left.

Ragwort · 16/01/2023 02:47

He's willing to commit to you by buying a house together and having a child but not marry you? Please insist on the wedding before you TTC ... it doesn't need bridesmaids and guest lists ... sounds as though you are more interested in the 'big day' than being married.

Just suggest you get married quietly, mid week in a register office and see what he says?

butterfliedtwo · 16/01/2023 02:55

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2023 23:58

Having a child is both our priority then wedding.

🤦

He is never going to marry you. He "proposed" to shut you up. Why on earth would you not get married before having his children? This is a recipe for disaster. He gets everything he wants without making any commitment to you.

This.

You should work on your communication before getting married anyway.

Jadviga · 16/01/2023 02:56

I agree with pp, get the paperwork done and then you have forever to plan the ceremony. His reaction will tell you whether or not he wants to marry you.

I'm usually not the sort to suggest putting someone on the spot like that but after 10 years he has to know whether he wants a life with you or not. He can't string you along for years when you're talking about having children.

I've never planned a wedding but 2 years sounds like forever. Maybe he just got a bit caught by surprise when you started planning stuff right away - but he should be pleased and flattered that you're so keen to get married to him ! And if he can't discuss that without character assassination, as mentioned by pp, that's a red flag.

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 02:57

The house is in both names.

Not conceived before as I have been ill, moved house and renovating it, made redundant 4 times, my mums in heart failure and money.

He does want a child same as me.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 16/01/2023 03:12

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 02:57

The house is in both names.

Not conceived before as I have been ill, moved house and renovating it, made redundant 4 times, my mums in heart failure and money.

He does want a child same as me.

Op god help you, you’ve had a very difficult few years. I’m not trying to take the shine off your engagement and I am sure no one else here is either. You are not happy waiting more than two years and I think it’s unanimous that everyone here supports you on that, for what it’s worth. I would really have a conversation though and say two years is too long for you to wait and see what he says. I don’t want to be a broken record but it’s also fine to say I want us to be married before we have a baby, which would be the sensible thing for you to do. If he can’t see your POV on either of those points then yes you do have a bigger conversation to have.

Eyerollcentral · 16/01/2023 03:18

Ps also I have to say whilst we all know money is finite, unless the house is tumbling down round you, any further renovations can and should be put on hold if you are concerned about money until after the wedding. The commitment to you is more important than getting the house up to scratch. Personally especially at your age i would be insistent on marriage before having a baby. You need to know he is committed to you before the house and any baby in the future, you deserve to be the number one priority

AngeloMysterioso · 16/01/2023 03:25

In our case- 3 and a bit years between getting together and getting engaged. 13 months between proposal and wedding.

“Enjoying being engaged” is bollocks to be honest. Being engaged is exactly the same as being boyfriend and girlfriend, just with a ring and admin. Being married is exactly the same as being engaged, just with another ring and a legally binding certificate (and, if you change your name, more admin).

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2023 03:41

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 02:57

The house is in both names.

Not conceived before as I have been ill, moved house and renovating it, made redundant 4 times, my mums in heart failure and money.

He does want a child same as me.

Having a child is easy for him, of course he wouldn't mind. You are the one who has to deal with the pregnancy and every other fucking thing whilst he can't even be bothered to marry you. I'm sorry op, but take the blinders off.

Crinkled · 16/01/2023 03:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Stravaig · 16/01/2023 03:57

I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.
**
He has said no and that it is too soon

This is an astounding sequence of events. You invited bridesmaids, decided a provisional date, and wrote a guest list - all within days of getting engaged, and without any discussion whatsoever with your fiancé?! The date and guest list are things that you do together.

You have completely lost the plot, dived headlong into wedding derangement, and already lost sight of the relationship and marriage you should be focused on. Which doesn't sound very viable from your subsequent posts.

Slow down, and review the reality of your day-to-day relationship: what is working, and what isn't, and never has. Whatever makes you rush and him hesitate about getting married, you should absolutely not be having children together until it is resolved.

Stravaig · 16/01/2023 04:11

I want a small wedding. 30 in the day. Then about 50 in the night including day people.

What does your future husband want? It's his wedding, his marriage, his life too. These are not decisions you get to make unilaterally, not in a relationship, and not when you're married.

DanceMonkey19 · 16/01/2023 04:26

I personally wouldn't have kids without being married first but I made that clear to DH from the beginning. Not everyone feels the same but pp have given you the reasons why it's a good idea, particularly if you intend to reduce your working hours after pregnancy.

I agree that he is giving red flags tbh. The only couples I know who waited longer than a year from engagement to wedding were waiting for a specific venue. And they were all younger than you. Again, it's personal choice, but for me it was about being married, not the wedding, so I wouldn't have wanted to wait 2 years.

Talk to him. But if he's adamant that 2 years is too soon then he clearly doesn't want to get married. And in that case I would not be having kids with him. Good luck op. A serious talk and potentially some hard choices to be made.

YearoftheRabbit23 · 16/01/2023 04:32

Does he maybe mean you are rushing into planning the wedding rather than rushing the wedding itself, you mentioned not unpacking yet etc? He might want a bit of time to just relax (maybe planning the engagement was stressful) before looking into details of planning the wedding. The overall context you provide is how I read it that way.

Justellingthetruth · 16/01/2023 04:39

@Littlemoon31 two years is long enough

Eyerollcentral · 16/01/2023 04:49

Stravaig · 16/01/2023 03:57

I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.
**
He has said no and that it is too soon

This is an astounding sequence of events. You invited bridesmaids, decided a provisional date, and wrote a guest list - all within days of getting engaged, and without any discussion whatsoever with your fiancé?! The date and guest list are things that you do together.

You have completely lost the plot, dived headlong into wedding derangement, and already lost sight of the relationship and marriage you should be focused on. Which doesn't sound very viable from your subsequent posts.

Slow down, and review the reality of your day-to-day relationship: what is working, and what isn't, and never has. Whatever makes you rush and him hesitate about getting married, you should absolutely not be having children together until it is resolved.

I think you are being a bit hard here. What the hell is it to do with the groom who the bridesmaids are? The OP hasn’t said but it may be the putative date is simply her ringing up her preferred venue and that’s the first date they have available. If you get engaged you are supposed to be announcing your intention to be married. The groom should be focused on getting married, not putting it on the long finger. Fgs they are together ten bloody years, they aren’t strangers

ElizabethZott · 16/01/2023 04:52

Together 10 years and living together for 3, I would assume marriage would follow as soon as practicable after engagement. As PP have said, a long engagement may be appropriate when you are young and building careers, or in a long distance relationship, but as you are already settled living together then why wait? It's only formalising your existing relationship. Is the house in both your names?

Has he felt pressured by family and friends to propose? Take out insurance before paying any deposits on venues etc. Sounds like he doesn't really want to do it and may well back out down the line.