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Original poster

Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

364 replies

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:18

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 16/01/2023 08:42

Two years? We got married in a few months - 120 people in central London. Why does he want to wait? A year seems plenty.

BatshitBanshee · 16/01/2023 08:45

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 08:33

As I have said previously he is very difficult to talk too but also laid back. And when I said guest list it was our families names of people I know he would want there I.e. his dad, mum, brother, sister, nan.

Show quote history

If he's that difficult to talk to OP, are you sure you want a baby with him? Conception, pregnancy, after birth support all of that takes good communication and hard work at an absolute minimum, and that's before you get into baby parenting and toddlerhood. I would worry that you're going to take the whole load because he's difficult to communicate with and reactionary.

ReneBumsWombats · 16/01/2023 08:46

It's a standard length of time because that's often how long you have to wait to get the date you want at a major venue. You can certainly do it much quicker if you're more flexible. And you certainly shouldn't be flapping about starting to plan as soon as you're engaged because that's literally what engagement means. And after ten years together anyway? What's he worried about?

Is he really planning on starting TTC within the next month or so? Why aren't you trying now if you've been together ten years, are engaged and want kids?

Spudina · 16/01/2023 08:50

For him to criticise how eager you were to date and buy a house with him, at what is supposed to be a special time is a low blow and a definite red flag. I’m not convinced he wants to get married. I think he is aware it’s expected after 10 years. You wanted to buy a house after you had been dating for 7 years, that’s hardly rushing! My husband was similar. It took him 9 years to propose. But one he did we were married in 6 months. You really need to think about if you want kids in your future. Because after you are married he is likely to say “let’s just enjoy being married for a bit” which approaching 40 you can’t afford to do.

Snazzysausage · 16/01/2023 08:52

"But for what it's worth he is very kind, funny and hard working"
He may well be but unfortunately for you he doesn't want to get married.

Weddi · 16/01/2023 08:53

I think you’re wasting your time with him tbh. If you want to have children then I’m sure you’re aware, you’re running out of time. I wouldn’t even wait two years if marriage before children is important to you. Two years is kind of standard, any longer is a very long engagement that probably won’t result in marriage. I know many people who are just perpetually ‘engaged’ and never get married, it’s weird.

MrsHGWells · 16/01/2023 08:53

There’s chilled and also fear of commitment… or preference to spend the money on starting a family? OP you have the patience of a saint .. 10yrs gf and now a drawn out wedding timeline.. heck what is he waiting for … the retirement home wedding package fully catered ? Set a date and work towards

AngelinaFibres · 16/01/2023 08:55

When my brother got married he spoke in his speech about the proposal and that 10 minutes after they had had champagne his now fiance produced a huge wedding folder that she had been adding to since she was a teen. He thought it was hilarious. They got married 6 months after the proposal and have been married for 7 years. The poster who mentioned 'oh let's enjoy being married before TTC' is absolutely right OP. He is kicking the can down the road

AngelinaFibres · 16/01/2023 09:03

When I got engaged to my second husband several people asked me whether I was just engaged or were we actually getting married. It seemed to surprise them that it was ,as someone put it, an engagement engagement not just an engagement. We married a year later and have been married for 19 years. If you've been together for 10 years Op there is no reason to wait. He simply doesn't want to do the marriage .

GerbilsForever24 · 16/01/2023 09:04

YOu're planning a not massive wedding and want children... I'd be aiming to get it done by the end of this year at latest. I don't understand the point of waiting for years unless you want some super fancy massive event that requires booking a specific venue years ahead and saving thousands and thousands of pounds.

Sceptre86 · 16/01/2023 09:06

Your going to get loads of contrasting comments. We got engaged in February 2024 and married August if that year. I didn't have a specific place I wanted to get married in though many peopke will have so then it depends on available dates.

It's his attitude I don't like. I'd have told him his laid back attitude to the point of being horizontal is more annoying. You're focusing on the wrong bit of the argument. He doesn't sound like he wants to marry you. Don't get all caught up in the wedding excitement, take some time yo really think about the future of the relationship.

Lovegossip · 16/01/2023 09:10

It depends on whether u want a big or small wedding but it sounds like your fiancee is happy to wait

We got engaged September 2016 and were married a year to the day later, was a small wedding though which suited us

bunnyhedgehog · 16/01/2023 09:13

We were married 6 months after engagement. I couldn't have waited two years!

Wheresthebeach · 16/01/2023 09:15

My niece announced her engagement, married in 6 months. They both want kids so they aren't hanging around.

You've had to push every other major move in the relationship, at your age, if you want kids, you really need to get going on that front. 10 years is a long long time to wait for a proposal.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 16/01/2023 09:48

Firstly congratulations, secondly thank goodness you managed to get that social media post out…

I don’t think two years is too soon, but I think he’s right slow down and enjoy the engagement for at least a month or something! This would annoy me too.

FellOnMyArseToDay · 16/01/2023 09:51

saraclara · 15/01/2023 23:11

Does he even understand the concept of an engagement?
After ten years, he still thinks a wedding after being together for twelve years is 'too soon'?

We got engaged six months after our first date, and married six months after that. Together for a very happy thirtyodd years, until his far too early death from cancer.

💐 So sorry that happened.

NatMoz · 16/01/2023 09:51

We had a 15 month engagement. It was just based on what was available with the venue dates wise.

I suggested the year after but my husband said no, he didn't want to wait that long🤣

HappinesDependsOnYou · 16/01/2023 09:54

This may seem unrelated when just engaged but how would the house be divided currently if you split? Is it 50/50? Who is the higher earner of the 2 of you? If you have a baby what's the plan childcare/ return to work? If the house isn't already 50/50, you are the lower earner and you will be making the sacrifices for childcare in going part time or what ever I would have so many alarm bells ringing. The hesitation in a marriage after a decade together and having a baby first may put you in a financially difficult situation should this come to an end. An engagement gives you no legal protection and he shouldn't be hesitating when ge just proposed! It could just be that he is overwhelmed where he hasn't even seen your parents yet and it could all be innocent but be cautious

LadyOfTheCanyon · 16/01/2023 10:08

Put bluntly, most men would be happy not being married. A long term girlfriend with no concrete commitments but someone to ' look after him' suits most men just fine.
Weddings for a lot of men are just an appeasement to keep their partner onside.

Obviously NAMALT but I've been around the block enough ( and had two marriages myself) to think that a lot of weddings are pushed for ( quite rightly, and I include myself in this) by the woman.

The relationship board is full of this kind of thing. It's never 'my Fiancé is so desperate to get married it's driving me nuts'

TiredButDancing · 16/01/2023 10:16

I have to agree with PP -if you're planning marriage, I wouldn't be having children until you'd done that. Otherwise there will be a million reasons not to do it - you're pregnant, you're breastfeeding, there's a toddler, you're pregnant again etc - and bang, you've been engaged for 5 years, have no financial security and the wedding is off forever.

Ansjovis · 16/01/2023 10:28

If he's difficult to talk to then you really don't want to be a parent with this guy. Babies shine a massive spotlight on any problems in the relationship so his communication issues will impact you more and more.

I think that most people would expect that wedding planning would follow an engagement. The fact that he doesn't is concerning, as if he expected the proposal to buy him some time before he had to make an actual commitment. I would think very carefully about this, dragging an unwilling man up the aisle is not a good idea, regardless of whether said man admits he is unwilling.

Omgwhatthehell · 16/01/2023 10:54

If you’re not planning a huge, expensive wedding, and want children sooner rather than later then why wait?
It’s really unkind of him to criticise you for drawing up a rough guest list. Two years is a pretty standard amount of time to be engaged. You need to start the planning now and need an idea of guest numbers so that you can look at appropriate venues and get them priced up.

DH and I got married just under nine months after getting engaged. Mainly because we’d decided to get married, rather than just get engaged, if that makes sense.
We drew up a guest list straight away. Then did a bit of internet research and contacted venues which would accommodate those numbers to get availability and costs. We realised we could afford to do it, then just cracked on and booked it.
In no way are you jumping the gun.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/01/2023 12:39

Hopefully you can discuss and get on same page.
You have more to lose than him if you want a child.
He can faff a few years, then go and have a child with a 29 yr old while you are in 40s and childless.
Does he realise re fertility especially if want more than one. Some people are clueless - not realising celebs often use donor eggs, surrogacy etc to have children in their 40s.
I can’t think of any reason to wait yrs after engagement in your situation unless he doesn’t really want to marry.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 16/01/2023 12:54

Sounds like the proposal was an obligation used as a stalling tactic. His done that so he can delay the marriage for another few years then delay children until its too late. If these are things you want sooner than in the year 2030 then have a serious conversation regarding timescales. If you don't like them leave.

ReneBumsWombats · 16/01/2023 12:54

Does he realise re fertility especially if want more than one. Some people are clueless - not realising celebs often use donor eggs, surrogacy etc to have children in their 40s.

Have you ever known a man in his 40s who knew he wanted children and sought out women his age?

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