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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

364 replies

Littlemoon31 · 15/01/2023 22:18

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

OP posts:
GeorgiePorgiePuddingPie · 17/01/2023 07:30

Sorry OP, that must have been a massive high straight to crushing disappointment. Please make sure he has a proper conversation about this before you get pregnant.

My friend proposed to her girlfriend about 4 years ago, GF was over the moon as they had been together years and she’d always made it very clear marriage was important to her. They broke up last year when GF pushed for wedding date, my friend admitted she never wanted to get married, and only proposed to keep her GF quiet essentially. She thought an engagement and a ring would be enough.

I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here, but be very clear on what his intentions are. Definitely make sure you discuss how finances will work while you are on maternity leave so he doesn’t expect you to burn through your own savings (if you decide to still TTC). It has to be a partnership.

Finally, he doesn’t get to unilaterally decide this. If you aren’t happy, you have a right to voice this and expect reasonable discussion, and you can absolutely vote with your feet if it isn’t what you want. Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy/ having children with a dickhead because you think it’s your only chance.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/01/2023 09:33

2yrs isnt bad for a wedding if have to save

many venues are booked a year or two

but you do need to set a date

housemaus · 17/01/2023 09:47

He thinks you 'have no patience' because you wanted to buy a house seven years into your relationship? When you were in your mid thirties?

This guy is a dickhead.

ImprobablePuffin · 17/01/2023 12:51

OP I really feel for you. You must be hurting a lot right now.
But I have to ask, why are you even considering creating an actual human being with a man who can't even bring himself to talk to you about your future together?

Wheresthebeach · 17/01/2023 13:04

'Won't discuss it' translates into 'don't care about your thoughts or feelings'.

Seems like its all his way, with you dragging him from one mile stone to another.

Don't end up loosing the chance to have children because of this man.

qpmz · 17/01/2023 13:24

Kokeshi123 · 17/01/2023 02:50

I should have said, do not have a baby with this guy if he won't marry you.

Offer him a reg. office marriage right now (with a reception party to be held later on, after having the kids). He needs to commit or fuck off, frankly.

They say romance is dead! There surely should be love, excitement and happiness involved!

Geranium1984 · 17/01/2023 14:24

We were mid 30's and had the wedding 8 months after proposal.
Most of my friends at the time had their weddwithin a year.

I promise you won't want to be planning a wedding for two years 🤯 get it done!

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 17/01/2023 14:50

Rainbowqueeen · 16/01/2023 18:22

I’m so sorry OP. Taking off your ring is not being petty. His behaviour has hurt you deeply and is bewildering to so many of us reading your posts. I would take the ring off too.

Thus is your future. I’d insist on an honest conversation. Has he proposed just to string you along or not? If not then why the delay? This would be a dealbreaker for me

Hi sorry just picking the latest posts up now. I'm not sure what the idea was. I have told him that he has embarrassed me but proposing with no view to booking the wedding.

OP posts:
DanceMonkey19 · 17/01/2023 16:58

Littlemoon31 · 17/01/2023 14:50

Hi sorry just picking the latest posts up now. I'm not sure what the idea was. I have told him that he has embarrassed me but proposing with no view to booking the wedding.

Show quote history

And? What was his response? I'm so sorry op, being newly engaged should be such a happy and exciting time but he's really taken the shine off hasn't he? Even if he just meant 'chill your boots, no need to organise it this minute' it was an unkind way to go about it. But if he's serious about 2 years being too soon then you need to consider whether you are on the same page as a couple.

Does he often piss on your chips?

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 17/01/2023 17:29

DanceMonkey19 · 17/01/2023 16:58

And? What was his response? I'm so sorry op, being newly engaged should be such a happy and exciting time but he's really taken the shine off hasn't he? Even if he just meant 'chill your boots, no need to organise it this minute' it was an unkind way to go about it. But if he's serious about 2 years being too soon then you need to consider whether you are on the same page as a couple.

Does he often piss on your chips?

Show quote history

He is adamant two years is too soon. I worked it out because he has a very expensive once in a lifetime trip organised for March 2024 so I think his money is for that.

I don't want to get in the way of his lifelong dream. But it's at the cost of my own now.

I've said we will have small wedding. No. I've said we will have city break budget honeymoon instead of exotic and expensive. No.

I've asked to organise a party for our engagement. No.

OP posts:
littlelid · 17/01/2023 17:31

Littlemoon31 · 17/01/2023 17:29

He is adamant two years is too soon. I worked it out because he has a very expensive once in a lifetime trip organised for March 2024 so I think his money is for that.

I don't want to get in the way of his lifelong dream. But it's at the cost of my own now.

I've said we will have small wedding. No. I've said we will have city break budget honeymoon instead of exotic and expensive. No.

I've asked to organise a party for our engagement. No.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry. It's over. Don't stay with him to save face.

Dacadactyl · 17/01/2023 17:32

I think you should dump him. Ive not RTFT but he seems like a time-waster. He doesnt appear to want to get married.

CoffeandTiaMaria · 17/01/2023 17:44

For goodness sake don’t get pregnant; He’s got no intention of demonstrating his commitment to you by marrying you.
Awful behaviour.

DanceMonkey19 · 17/01/2023 17:49

Littlemoon31 · 17/01/2023 17:29

He is adamant two years is too soon. I worked it out because he has a very expensive once in a lifetime trip organised for March 2024 so I think his money is for that.

I don't want to get in the way of his lifelong dream. But it's at the cost of my own now.

I've said we will have small wedding. No. I've said we will have city break budget honeymoon instead of exotic and expensive. No.

I've asked to organise a party for our engagement. No.

Show quote history

Sorry op. So this trip takes precedence over everything, even if you potentially have a very young baby (as you've said you were about to try for a baby)? And he won't compromise on they size/cost of the wedding/honeymoon... He doesn't want to get married. Please hold off on TTC and think long and hard if he is the right life partner for you.

TellMeWhere · 17/01/2023 17:54

He sounds incredibly selfish.

If you're worried about costs in general then I wouldn't be suggesting engagement parties. I'd be pricing up a small registry office affair. The actual official stuff only costs a couple of hundred quid.

His complete lack of interest would be the nail in the coffin for me, though. It reads very much as him proposing to shut you up for a while. He's kicking the can down the road. Can guarantee in two years time there'll be some other reason why it's not convenient.

Do not get pregnant. If you choose to stay with him I would insist on a registry office wedding ASAP so that you can conceive in peace. You can do a "proper" celebration and honeymoon at a later date if you want, when life and funds allow. Do not get pregnant unmarried. His attitude stinks of someone who will screw you over.

Are you sure he actually wants a baby? I hope he's not conned you out of the last 10 years of your life. You need to have a serious last ditch talk with him cos if you need to move on, you're short on time fertility wise Sad

Dacadactyl · 17/01/2023 18:01

Just read you've been with him 10 years?! There's not a man alive that I'd waste 10 years on without a ring.

Eyerollcentral · 17/01/2023 18:08

Littlemoon31 · 17/01/2023 17:29

He is adamant two years is too soon. I worked it out because he has a very expensive once in a lifetime trip organised for March 2024 so I think his money is for that.

I don't want to get in the way of his lifelong dream. But it's at the cost of my own now.

I've said we will have small wedding. No. I've said we will have city break budget honeymoon instead of exotic and expensive. No.

I've asked to organise a party for our engagement. No.

Show quote history

Sincerely think you should tell him to keep the ring and look at sorting out who buys who out of the house. It’s all about him.

Eyerollcentral · 17/01/2023 18:12

Also I know you are adults and he shouldn’t have to be talked in to anything but surely his parents/other family members and friends would be mortified by his behaviour. He is clearly unwilling to discuss it with you beyond the word no but surely there is someone else who can speak to him to say this is really unfair and ask why he bothered to get engaged if he didn’t want to get married?

ImprobablePuffin · 17/01/2023 18:55

What were his reasons for saying "No" to everything? Surely he didn't just say no and wander off?

CosyKnits · 17/01/2023 19:03

He can't just say no, he's not your dad or your boss!

If he's not even willing to discuss it, he just wants everything on his terms. That is not a trait you want in a spouse and definitely not in the father of your child.

What if you're about to give birth when he's due to go on this big trip?!

Zanatdy · 17/01/2023 19:04

I’d be handing the ring back and not marrying this guy and definitely not having his child. Sorry but why do the big proposal like that and then burst your bubble like that. That’s actually cruel.

Inkpotlover · 17/01/2023 19:25

Littlemoon31 · 17/01/2023 17:29

He is adamant two years is too soon. I worked it out because he has a very expensive once in a lifetime trip organised for March 2024 so I think his money is for that.

I don't want to get in the way of his lifelong dream. But it's at the cost of my own now.

I've said we will have small wedding. No. I've said we will have city break budget honeymoon instead of exotic and expensive. No.

I've asked to organise a party for our engagement. No.

Show quote history

What's the once in a lifetime holiday he's got booked? It sounds as though it's only him going?

Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 17/01/2023 19:32

Eyerollcentral · 17/01/2023 18:12

Also I know you are adults and he shouldn’t have to be talked in to anything but surely his parents/other family members and friends would be mortified by his behaviour. He is clearly unwilling to discuss it with you beyond the word no but surely there is someone else who can speak to him to say this is really unfair and ask why he bothered to get engaged if he didn’t want to get married?

His family think he is being very selfish about the trip and this is before we got engaged. I stood up for him against his family as it was his life's dream.

I even agreed if we had small baby pregnant as long as not due date or around it.

However this is before proposal and before he has said no to wedding. Now I'm upset. He complains no money to get paid but this trip is thousands.

It is his money though that he has saved for years and I know I can't tell him what to spend it on I have no right. But I would like him to meet me halfway to agree wedding date.

The venue for engagement party is free and so is the DJ. My parents are paying for decorations and his for food. But he has said no. I just thought be nice as would make it more real.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemoon31 · 17/01/2023 19:33

ImprobablePuffin · 17/01/2023 18:55

What were his reasons for saying "No" to everything? Surely he didn't just say no and wander off?

No to setting a date due to financial reasons. No to party as he simply doesn't have any motivation to attend a party where he would be expected to host.

OP posts:
Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 17/01/2023 19:34

ease stop wasting your life on him
OP, if you want children you need to get out of this now

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