Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

[Littlemoon31]

Hi hope you can help me here?

My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic.

We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away.

Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list.

Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years.

He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet.

Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37.

He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work.

However I am upset??? What do I do?

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Do you think he wants a baby with you or just...wants a baby? You seem like a passenger in this, he doesn't want to talk about it, but ultimately he gets to decide everything? Even if you wanted two years time, you'd have to at least book it now.

It is bizarre behaviour to me that he would propose and then just not want to talk about a wedding. Feels very dangled carrot-esque.

I wouldn't go getting pregnant unmarried if the expectation is that you'll give up work to look after a baby and find yourself financially fucked over should it all go pear shaped. He's the higher earner so you need to look after your interests.

If getting pregnant is a priority then I'd go registry office/Gretna Green route and get it done within the next few months, and I wouldn't budge on it.

Perfectly possible to have a lovely tiny wedding and if he doesn't want that I'd need an actual solid explanation of why it's a problem. He doesn't get to not discuss it. You've been together for years and he supposedly wants a child with you - he should be happy to marry you tomorrow.

Me and DH got married completely alone - we didn't even need external witnesses, just the celebrant. Neither of us have melted and neither has anyone else.

When you say you want to 'get married' to him - are you thinking primarily about the wedding? i.e. the act of getting married. Or are you thinking primarily about 'being' married? i.e. sharing the rest of your life after the wedding day. Be honest with yourself on this point.

Just look at your situation: 10 years, big expenses on the house, tight deadline for being able to conceive, and then even bigger expense with maternity leave and baby (if you are lucky and don't have issues ttc).

In your shoes, I would suggest to him that you go down to the registry office within the next 3 months (or asap thereafter if they don't have a slot), with just two witnesses.
Two reasons for this:
Firstly, you need the protection of marriage if you want children together. Marriage is above all a legal contract. If he objects and doesn't want to go to the registry office, then this is a huge red flag - what are his true intentions with regard to shared finances and him supporting you through maternity and doing his part in family life?
Point out that this option is entirely secular and just a legality - you can still have the chapel wedding afterwards, because most denominations ignore registry weddings as if they didn't happen, as they don't believe you are actually married in the eyes of God until you do it their way with the right ceremony.
You wouldn't even have to tell anyone except next of kin / parents that you had done this.

Secondly: if you want the 'dream wedding day', don't plan it for a time when you might just turn out to be heavily pregnant or suffering morning sickness or have a weeks-old baby in tow (fingers crossed on ttc). IMO having 30 guest during the day and 50 at night is not a small wedding, and to do it 'properly' with all the bridesmaids and other frills will not be cheap. Surely, if you get the legal bit done now, the full celebrations can wait until you have the money to spare and time to arrange it all just as you want it, with DP feeling comfortable about the pace and the costs.

I’m sorry @Littlemoon31 maybe he will reliese what an arse he is being

we got engaged after 3yrs in 2015 but as we were ttc and needed ivf we ploughed our money into that

when ivf finally worked many years later ana paid off our £27k bill we then in 2019 set the date for 2020 so was 17mths once booked it but due to lockdowns we had 2 wedding cancelled but third time lucky and managed 2021

you have a poorly mum so I would confused marrying sooner and having small do

bit obv depends what df says

when was he thinking

Also don’t mean to be rude or worry you but 37 is considered geriatric for preg and it may take you some time

I was almost 44 when gave birth as Mother Nature didn’t play ball - wanted to be 32/33 and I was ttc for 10yrs and had 4 failed ivf before our 5th worked

equally you may be lucky and get preg first proper try

I've no idea what he was thinking. He's just come home and said let's just enjoy the engagement, been less than a week. He's so frustrating.

Anyway I'm not wearing the ring. Petty I know but I'm mad.

My sister and her fiancé have been engaged for 10 years... Honestly, we've all stopped asking when the wedding is going to be.
Neither are social butterflies, and the idea of a big wedding would fill them with horror. But honestly, if you want it to be 5 people at the registrar office, then cool! Just bloody do it!

THIS. 100% this OP. don't end up like the masses of poster who end up with kids and financially at the mercy of someone they aren't married to.

We got engaged and married less than 6 months later. It’s not unheard of to get married 18-24 months after engagement though especially if you both want something big or expensive.

My friend got engaged and not long after her fiancé made it clear he didn’t intend on getting married for another 3-5 years. It really put a downer on their “should of been” happy new engagement bubble. I imagine this is how you are feeling now.

Did you speak about timelines with your partner before he proposed? I am sure me and my partner spoke about both preferring shorter engagements.

Marriage gives you legal protection

pregnancy will negatively impact your earning capacity and pension.

sounds like he wants a child but not to be an equal partner for the financial outlay or domestic load.

there are lots of sensible reasons to get married before you have a child

Ask him why he bothered proposing if he doesn’t intend to follow through?

Hit the nail right on the head. Bubble well and truly burst.

2 years seems like a long time to me. Our wedding was just over a year after we got a ring and made it official. We’d agreed we were going to get married a couple of years years before when we bought our house. I was 22 when we got married.

I’m so sorry OP. Taking off your ring is not being petty. His behaviour has hurt you deeply and is bewildering to so many of us reading your posts. I would take the ring off too.

Thus is your future. I’d insist on an honest conversation. Has he proposed just to string you along or not? If not then why the delay? This would be a dealbreaker for me

You've been together 10 years, a 2yr engagement is pretty long for the sake of "enjoying being engaged" spoiler alert: it feels the same as before but while planning a wedding.

We got married within 5 months and didn't cut any corners or anything that might make you think it was a rush job. We'd been together about 7yrs

I don’t understand him saying ‘let’s just enjoy the engagement’. The enjoyment of getting engaged is thinking about, planning, discussing getting married! What does he think you should be enjoying about the engagement?

Is that normal or is he avoiding you?

I am in my 50s and up for work today at 5:15 (after a menopausal disturbed night of also) and dont need my bed mid afternoon (was still working at 5pm!).

His lack of stamina and inability to communicate doesn't bode well for becoming a parent. 10 years of coasting has made him lazy, time for him to pull good socks up!

I don’t understand why you didn’t discuss details with your partner before you decided provisional dates etc
there is no set length of an engagement it’s just whatever suits the couple - as in both of them, there should be compromise on both sides if there is a big disparity in the length of time you both think engagement should be

Did he say 'will you marry me?', or 'will you get engaged for 2 years?'
Why not call his bluff. Book the church he wants on the soonest date they can do. See what he says. Then you will know where you are.
We got engaged decades ago.
I had the wedding booked before we told our parents! (Kept secret for 3 weeks as waiting for ring to be made, so had time). I'd read something that said to book your wedding fast or it won't happen. Seems that might still be true.

2 years is ages. We were engaged and married 5 months later, it doesn't take 2 years to plan a wedding. And what is there to enjoy about an engagement? Once the actual proposal is done, the only thing left to do is a the wedding bit. Especially after 10 years together!

I’m really sorry OP, so disappointing and hurtful for you. I hope you can find a way through. If it’s his washing then don’t do it!

I'm so sorry, OP.

Thank you v much.

He works unsocial hours and I have been busy seeing family since got home. Not seeing anyone is usual home.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this.

Guys who string women along are the bloody worst.

Do not have a baby with this guy - or, rather, do so only if you want to plan on being a single mother right from the start.

At 37, you still have enough time to do this, probably (no guarantees). If having a baby is more important to you than having a partner, you could consider going the sperm donor route.

I should have said, do not have a baby with this guy if he won't marry you.

Offer him a reg. office marriage right now (with a reception party to be held later on, after having the kids). He needs to commit or fuck off, frankly.

Weirded out by all the people talking about "taking time to enjoy your engagement!!!"

I spent about 18mo being engaged, and that was long enough. And I was 26, for goodness' sake!

If a couple is approaching 40 and have been together for a decade, it's weird to hang around "being engaged" longer than you have to. And if they want kids it's downright foolhardy.

Waiting two years is ridiculous We got married in 7 months. Whole thing planned in a month (there isn’t actually much to do, you can organise it in a weekend tbh) it just a ceremony and a party, with lots of businesses specifically set up to do it! People faff.

does he want to get married or was it something he thought he should do.