Page 11 | Just got engaged, wedding in two years too soon?

Littlemoon31 · 2023-01-15T22:18:33+00:00

Hi hope you can help me here? My DP proposed to me on Wednesday whilst away on holiday. Whole family informed, social media post, all smiles and happy. Gorgeous proposal which isn't like him as he isn't romantic. We came back from our holiday on Saturday morning. We had an amazing time whilst away. Lots of questions from family about plans, dates etc. I have already asked my bridesmaids. Noted a provisional date and written a guest list. Tonight has been only opportunity to talk with my DP about my idea to get married in two years. He has said no and that it is too soon, we should just enjoy the engagement, not drank the champagne that my parents bought us as a celebration gift and that he hasn't even unpacked yet. Also said I have no patience and it's one of my annoying qualities and that I rush into everything including asking to be his girlfriend (10 years ago) and buying a house (3 years ago.) No children, 2 cats, he is 38 and I am 37. He is very chilled out person and not emotional at all. Seen him cry 3 times in 10 years. I am the opposite that is why we work. However I am upset??? What do I do?

Applesandcarrots · 16/01/2023 13:03

I would think he meant it's too soon after engagement to basically have half planned wedding and just enjoy the moment.

He proposed on Wed and there is already bridal party, date, guest list etc. That's pretty fast.

We got married shortly after engagement but we didn't start planning until few weeks after.

mindutopia · 16/01/2023 13:22

We got married 6 months after we got engaged. I think 2 years is quite a long time, though I know in post-COVID times, venues have been hard to find. But the people who I know who tend to wait years to get married are ones who got engaged young 'just for the ring' and aren't entirely sure they are ready for marriage yet.

That said, you are late 30s. You've been together 10 years. You either want to get married or you don't. You have a house together and presumably a mat leave to save money for. You probably don't need to be spending ridiculous amounts of money on a wedding. You can easily get married in 6-12 months if you are planning something on the smaller side. Wedding aside (it's just one day and it goes by really quickly), married life doesn't sound much different than what you're already doing, especially if you are thinking about TTC, so I'd just get married. Focus together on the marriage and not the wedding. If he's not keen on that, that would raise some red flags for me.

ReneBumsWombats · 16/01/2023 13:22

Applesandcarrots · 16/01/2023 13:03

I would think he meant it's too soon after engagement to basically have half planned wedding and just enjoy the moment.

He proposed on Wed and there is already bridal party, date, guest list etc. That's pretty fast.

We got married shortly after engagement but we didn't start planning until few weeks after.

The point of an engagement is to plan the wedding. They've been together ten years already. What "moment" is there to be enjoying by not doing anything?

We were looking at venues the day after he proposed.

Stravaig · 16/01/2023 13:31

It doesn't matter what anyone and everyone else did. OP wants to marry this man, and for him it's too fast, for her too slow. If they're going to share their lives together, it has to work for both of them. You don't sound very compatible, OP.

Hydrangeatea · 16/01/2023 13:34

Christ I'd die of boredom before then!

2 years is a hell of a long time away from an engagement. I am still of the old fashioned view that you get engaged to be married and therefore get married in a reasonable timeslot after the engagement. All the waiting around to get married would do my head in. Getting engaged should mean you set the date for the wedding there and then.

20viona · 16/01/2023 13:38

I think 2 years is about normal. We got married 14 months after getting engaged, I book it 4 weeks after we got engaged.

budgiegirl · 16/01/2023 13:40

I work in the wedding industry. I'd say 18months to 2 years is a fairly typical length of time to plan a wedding, especially if it's a large one and needs saving for. So I don't agree that 2 years is too short, especially as you've been together for so long. Surely the reason the point of an engagement is that you are ready to get married?

TheGoogleMum · 16/01/2023 14:08

I'd say 2 years is pretty normal, not rushing. I'm basing this on people in late 20s though as that's when most people I know got engaged, it's maybe even a bit of a long engagement for late 30s

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/01/2023 14:14

Does he want to get married

I’m guessing you have fir a while if have already asked bm and have guest list done already

equally 2yrs is average as obv venue you want is likely to be booked fir least a year

plus need to save to pay for the wedding

when does he want to get married @Littlemoon31

pucelleauxblanchesmains · 16/01/2023 14:14

I think he's clearly using it to string you along, sorry. Ten years but another two is too fast? I also reckon that once you have the baby he'll think of baby-related reasons why you shouldn't plan a wedding.

Lcb123 · 16/01/2023 14:20

That would be a concern for me. We got engaged after 10 years together and got married 15 months later - mostly because it was during covid so waited to plan until it was clearer on the restrictions. Would have done sooner without Covid. I think you need to have a discussion about his reasoning? You didn’t mention if it’s money related, perhaps.

londonrach · 16/01/2023 14:24

That does sound a long time. I don't know anyone who after got engaged were not married within the year apart from those that got engaged and still not married 10 plus years later and no plan too. What do you want op.

Original poster

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 14:53

MrsHGWells · 16/01/2023 08:53

There’s chilled and also fear of commitment… or preference to spend the money on starting a family? OP you have the patience of a saint .. 10yrs gf and now a drawn out wedding timeline.. heck what is he waiting for … the retirement home wedding package fully catered ? Set a date and work towards

I know I'm devastated. I've taken my ring off.

OP posts:

ThomasinaLivesHere · 16/01/2023 14:58

@Littlemoon31 Did you have a talk with him?

Original poster

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 15:09

mindutopia · 16/01/2023 13:22

We got married 6 months after we got engaged. I think 2 years is quite a long time, though I know in post-COVID times, venues have been hard to find. But the people who I know who tend to wait years to get married are ones who got engaged young 'just for the ring' and aren't entirely sure they are ready for marriage yet.

That said, you are late 30s. You've been together 10 years. You either want to get married or you don't. You have a house together and presumably a mat leave to save money for. You probably don't need to be spending ridiculous amounts of money on a wedding. You can easily get married in 6-12 months if you are planning something on the smaller side. Wedding aside (it's just one day and it goes by really quickly), married life doesn't sound much different than what you're already doing, especially if you are thinking about TTC, so I'd just get married. Focus together on the marriage and not the wedding. If he's not keen on that, that would raise some red flags for me.

I'd marry him tomorrow but he would say its too soon. So that's why I said 2 years. Our loan would be paid off and we would have more money. I want small wedding anyway. But we are literally broke right now.

Anyway he has said 2 years is too soon. So I think he just doesn't want to marry me.

I've taken the ring off. Not going to make a big deal to him about it. If he notices I'm just going to say it doesn't mean anything.

I feel so embarrassed today. Announced it, got all excited and today have had to realise it is just a baby he wants and not to actually marry me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 15:12

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/01/2023 14:14

Does he want to get married

I’m guessing you have fir a while if have already asked bm and have guest list done already

equally 2yrs is average as obv venue you want is likely to be booked fir least a year

plus need to save to pay for the wedding

when does he want to get married @Littlemoon31

No idea. Won't even discuss it at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 15:14

ThomasinaLivesHere · 16/01/2023 14:58

@Littlemoon31 Did you have a talk with him?

No because he had kindly left a load of washing for me to do dry and he went to bed as he was up at 6 for work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 15:14

londonrach · 16/01/2023 14:24

That does sound a long time. I don't know anyone who after got engaged were not married within the year apart from those that got engaged and still not married 10 plus years later and no plan too. What do you want op.

To get married to him. And for him to want to gey married to me. I thought he loved me when he proposed.

OP posts:

CandleCandleCandle · 16/01/2023 15:17

Do you jointly own your home and who is the bigger earner?

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/01/2023 15:25

So sorry to hear even 2 years is too soon op.
Marriage is a joint thing, so there should be oxygen in the room for what you want as well as what he wants.
You could get married next month for barely any money at all if you wanted to be wed (and that would give your child legal protection from disadvantageous outcomes should a split occur so it is on the interest of a future child to do this) and money was the issue.
Why not get married simply with a couple of witnesses and a meal out, then throw a fabulous anniversary party when finances ease.
Sounds like you've been through some tough times together and I'm sorry your engagement has not been the triumphant start to a new era.
I hope he can see how hurtful his reaction was and maybe mend things properly.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/01/2023 15:25

The worry is 'won't discuss it'
You're a partnership, your point of view also matters!

Original poster

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 15:30

CandleCandleCandle · 16/01/2023 15:17

Do you jointly own your home and who is the bigger earner?

Own home jointly. He is bigger earner. But bills are in both are names.

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 15:31

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/01/2023 15:25

So sorry to hear even 2 years is too soon op.
Marriage is a joint thing, so there should be oxygen in the room for what you want as well as what he wants.
You could get married next month for barely any money at all if you wanted to be wed (and that would give your child legal protection from disadvantageous outcomes should a split occur so it is on the interest of a future child to do this) and money was the issue.
Why not get married simply with a couple of witnesses and a meal out, then throw a fabulous anniversary party when finances ease.
Sounds like you've been through some tough times together and I'm sorry your engagement has not been the triumphant start to a new era.
I hope he can see how hurtful his reaction was and maybe mend things properly.

Thanks so much for your kind words. That's my dream wedding. He has always said he wanted the big one. Although I'd organise it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemoon31 · 16/01/2023 15:32

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/01/2023 15:25

The worry is 'won't discuss it'
You're a partnership, your point of view also matters!

You would think so.

OP posts:

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 16/01/2023 15:36

For god sake don’t get pregnant unmarried and skint.

if he seriously wants to get married and your mum is unwell just get on and do it. Soon. Especially after all this time being together. it doesn’t need to be expensive.

if he won’t, then he’ll probably never be ready and you should consider cutting your losses

sorry OP