No not everyone has ADHD

[HobnobsChoice]

My sister in law has over the last few months come to the conclusion that she azxnd her child have ADHD. Which they might well do. Certainly my nephew has something going on. Fine, they get their diagnosis and support etc.
But since reading about ADHD she is now claiming almost everyone she knows has ADHD. Both of her parents, both of her exes, one of my kids, her colleague, her former neighbour.

All she talks about is ADHD, traits of ADHD, effects of ADHD. We literally can't have a cup of tea without it being discussed and her suggesting that Person A couldn't do DIY because they probably have ADHD or that person B can't lock a door because they have ADHD. She doesn't seem to realise that someone can just be crap at something without it being indicative od neurodiversity.
Am I being unreasonable to ask her to stop talking about it all the time and remind her that she is a civil servant and in no way qualified to making such sweeping generalisations. And that it's becoming quite frustrating and boring that we no longer talk about anything else. Or is her fixation on this a sign that she probably does have ADHD and she cannot help it.
(To not be accused of drip feeding.She's in her late 30s, a single parent in a responsible role and never had any difficulties at school or university or home which would typically suggest ADHD according to her parents and my husband (her brother). I am aware of masking but they genuinely cannot remember her ever struggling either socially or academically. She's always been employed in either voluntary or public sector and done well in her jobs.)

Is she on TikTok by chance?

Every other video on there is ‘if you do this, you may have….think this, then you have…people who feel this commonly have…’
Honestly, it’s unreal. I do have a DC who has ADHD (amongst other diagnoses) and I’m glad it’s more recognised, but it doesn’t mean every man and his dog needs a diagnosis!

There is a genetic element of ND so she could well be right about family members. It is possible to have traits and not meet the threshold for diagnosis. I understand that it's boring to listen to though. Is she getting herself assessed?

You need to mind your own business. If someone has a disability it's no concern of yours and it's ableist people like you that make having a hidden disability so hard. Live your life and be just be grateful if you're NT.

Wow, what an over-reaction!

oh I agree, and the same with "autism" ...from a parent of a non verbal child....

That escalated quickly 😂😂

This reminds me of Autism.

it’s amazing how quick people assume someone has autism, just because they struggle with something.

No it's not an over reaction at all.
Live a day in the life of someone ND and tell me it's an over reaction. It's because it's an invisible disability people don't understand because they can't see it.

I thought the OP WAS trying to understand?

🤣🤣 Didn't see it coming! Usually a page 5 response!

It is totally an overreaction. Yes I am neurodiverse.

There's a social media trend at the moment that I think is unhelpful but it's largely short clips telling people that if they do (insert fairly typical/not unusual behaviour here) they might have (insert neurodiversity here).

They grossly oversimplify the complexity of neurodiversity.

If she thinks her and DC would benefit from assessment then that's for her to explore and you're best be keeping out of it, other than being a listening ear.

If she starts turning ever conversation onto her armchair diagnosing everyone she knows you'll either need to divert the conversation or politely tell her that you're not really interested in her non-professional armchair diagnosing.

I also blame tik tok everyone and their dog has ADHD or some diagnosis on there or so they would have you believe.
Yeah it’s great that people are more aware of ND conditions and mental health these days but there are also a lot of people who seem to think it’s some kind of edgy thing to label themselves with or use it as some kind of excuse for what is usually just shitty behaviour.
I think it’s pretty insulting to people who genuinely have those conditions.

When you suspect your child is neurodivergent and you research it can be like a lightbulb being switched on with regards to recognising traits in others and yourself. Speaking from experience here. Also neurodivergent people can often become hyperfocused on interests, including their own condition. ADHD also runs in families so it wouldn't be a stretch for some other family members to also have ADHD. If you are annoyed about her constantly talking about it mention it to her or change the subject but don't disparage her thoughts and ideas, they may well be valid.

My daughter has ADHD and I'm pretty sure I do too (mine is not diagnosed). For someone who's only recently discovered they have (or may have) ADHD it wouldn't be unusual to be pre-occupied by it. Getting diagnosis is not easy so that in itself is some journey! Plus living with ADHD is often living in pain that most other people just don't see, recognise or sympathise with (in fact it's the opposite - people with ADHD often receive criticism not sympathy). ADHD runs in families so it is likely that other family members have it too.

A nice thing you could ask to show support would be "Is there anything I can do to help?". It would show that you're supportive but could also hint at the fact that there are things you can and can't do to help (you won't be diagnosing strangers to confirm her hypotheses for example). That said, if your SIL indeed has ADHD then some level of obsession is very in line with the condition and realistically your only option may be to ride it out. It won't last forever.

@jojojanner
If we all listened to and believed all that we see on social media, rest assured, we are ALL walking in the shoes of someone who is ND.

YANBU but this thread won’t last long.

Our expectations of how much focussed attention we should be able to give are way out of whack. People aren’t designed to focus for long periods of time, but work and studying make us think we should.

In this climate I’m not surprised almost everyone feels that they have ADHD. We’re measuring against an unobtainable standard.

I think it's a phase that some people go through when they get their diagnosis. It also seems to be pretty trendy atm.
She'll soon reach the "not everyone has ADHD" phase 🤣

You only need to look at any threads about incompetent husbands on here and you’ll get at least one ADHD/ASD diagnosis on the first page. It’s a good thing that it’s becoming more recognised but I agree with you that some people are just useless or lazy and not everyone has an undiagnosed disorder.

Can't you read the OP properly?
ONE OF MY KIDS
it says:
You've just made yourself look a right prat.

You’ve missed the point, haven’t you?

@jojojanner surely the person needing to 'mind their own business' is the one making armchair diagnoses of half her family and friends?

As an ND parent of an ND child, I think it's unbelievably disrespectful when people diagnose others with conditions like this.

I do think that recent TikTok trends have probably helped a few have lightbulb moments (after all, ADHDers are more likely to become heavy users of high-dopamine entertainment like TikTok), however have probably done a lot of harm with the ridiculous trends around "sometimes find it hard to socialise? Like pizza? Maybe you're autistic/ADHD/have Ehlers Danlos" etc.

As someone neurodivergent, I think when you first have the penny drop or get a late diagnosis this does happen. You have to look back at your entire life with a totally different lens and many things that you thought you knew about yourself shift. It massively takes time to process and like someone else said, it can be a huge hyper focus during that processing time. It is challenging sometimes for someone who hasn't been through an experience so epically life changing to understand quite how impactful it can be to your self image, self-understanding, view of the world, your entire life and all your memories. People around you and family need to have some empathy and understanding to that as it opens up a huge change and totally different view of the world.

YANBU. I actually cannot think of a single personality trait/behaviour which is not ‘indicative of ASD/ADHD’ these days. I’m going to be absolutely slated here but I almost feel it’s the new ‘transgender’ - in that it exists, affects a very small number of people but has been inflated to include so many ‘symptoms’ that virtually everyone could label themselves as one or the other. And that it’s not as ‘kind’ as it seems to label anyone who doesn’t fit a very narrow stream of behaviour as ‘ND’.