No not everyone has ADHD

[HobnobsChoice]

My sister in law has over the last few months come to the conclusion that she azxnd her child have ADHD. Which they might well do. Certainly my nephew has something going on. Fine, they get their diagnosis and support etc.
But since reading about ADHD she is now claiming almost everyone she knows has ADHD. Both of her parents, both of her exes, one of my kids, her colleague, her former neighbour.

All she talks about is ADHD, traits of ADHD, effects of ADHD. We literally can't have a cup of tea without it being discussed and her suggesting that Person A couldn't do DIY because they probably have ADHD or that person B can't lock a door because they have ADHD. She doesn't seem to realise that someone can just be crap at something without it being indicative od neurodiversity.
Am I being unreasonable to ask her to stop talking about it all the time and remind her that she is a civil servant and in no way qualified to making such sweeping generalisations. And that it's becoming quite frustrating and boring that we no longer talk about anything else. Or is her fixation on this a sign that she probably does have ADHD and she cannot help it.
(To not be accused of drip feeding.She's in her late 30s, a single parent in a responsible role and never had any difficulties at school or university or home which would typically suggest ADHD according to her parents and my husband (her brother). I am aware of masking but they genuinely cannot remember her ever struggling either socially or academically. She's always been employed in either voluntary or public sector and done well in her jobs.)

I was actually tempted to start a thread about this. It’s not just tiktok. According to Instagram I most definitely have ADHD. According to MN my child would most definitely have Adhd or asd. I’m being bombarded with videos of people doing completely normal things (or certainly things that I and lots of others do) and being told they are ADHD. It’s actually very sinister. Honestly it’s become ridiculous. I would wager half of people being diagnosed with it don’t have it. It’s the latest craze and unfortunately it will completely devalue the diagnosis for genuine cases. Not everyone whose ever struggled with X/Y or Z actually needs a diagnosis. It’s funny how all these people have never had problems at school, university, socially, for the most part of their lives.

It’s interesting how many claim to have ADHD, followed by the phrase “I’m not diagnosed yet but I’m sure”. I can’t think of any physical condition that people would be so quick to diagnose themselves (or others) and in such huge numbers. We don’t see “I am sure I have diabetes, but I’m not diagnosed yet”, certainly not in the numbers we see with ADHD. It seems odd people feel confident in diagnosing one thing, but would leave it to experts to diagnose another.

It sort of reminds me of celiac/gluten-free from a few years ago. Prior to that you may have met one person in your life, possibly two, with celiac disease. Then suddenly everyone was “gluten intolerant”(which is not the same) and gluten-free food became the norm. Good for people with celiac disease that restaurants etc were now catering for them but those who were “gluten-free before it was trendy” (as my friend describes her celiac disease) it meant stores were often sold out of gluten-free items because they were being bought by the self-diagnosed, leaving true celiacs with nothing.

This

Also YABU!

From someone who is diagnosed late but wasn’t always!

YANBU.

the amount of people who write on here they do xxxx , which is because of their ADHD.
When in reality most people do that thing!

It’s just another trend. People want to be victims and put a label on themselves for attention.

It's not easy to get an ADHD diagnosis and you certainly won't get one because of unrealistic expectations of modern life. No one will diagnose you with ADHD because let's say you forgot a dentist appointment whilst juggling two jobs and caring for three young children and being in a full time job. Or because you fell asleep during a 3 hour Star Wars movie. It doesn't work like that. The diagnosis for my daughter included two thorough assessments involving numerous people who know her closely, as well as a QB test. It's a very thorough process. Took us two years to get a diagnosis as well because of the waiting times. It's 4+ years waiting time for adults. This is partly why some people don't bother getting a diagnosis - particularly in adulthood when there are so many demands on your time and many adults already developed some coping strategies.

Tiktok told me I have ADHD. I initially didn't think I did but after a few months of being repeatedly shown videos that suggested I did I looked it up. I've now had a formal diagnosis. I'm 30. My perspective on so much has changed. So many things in my life I thought I did or struggled with because I was lazy or disorganised were actually because I had ADHD. Realising that has let me find strategies that work for ADHD and I'm finally managing to get on top of things. I talk about it more than I'd like to just because it's such a massive change in my life.

In addition DH is also being diagnosed right now, there's a very strong genetic link so there's a fair chance DS will too.

I've never struggled socially or academically and always smashed all of my jobs, I have ADHD

Pleased for people who got their diagnosis - it brings so much clarity, and justice. My daughter was saying after getting hers that she wished she knew earlier, that prior to the diagnosis she thought EVERYTHING was wrong with her. There's just so much despair and so much pain in having ADHD and not knowing. Knowing doesn't solve everything but it does help.

I know someone like this , like your nephew the eldest child has got something going on but now the youngest one is being told they have autism its all they ever talk about the children might as well have autistic branded on their foreheads

100% my goodness did I have some hoops to jump through but it was totally worth it for me. I spend decades not understanding why I couldn't do things that others found so easy. I truly hated myself for it. Finding out there was a reason lifted such a weight off me.

You could quite literally diagnose everyone with something. And I don't mean that as a criticism. The more we understand human psychology, the better. Unfortunately, there IS a danger of over-diagnosing, and of people using these labels as an excuse. Even more dangerous, some people use their condition as a weapon. I could imagine, for example, a man who has beaten or raped a woman pleading not guilty on the grounds of "poor impulse control," or something like that.

I think that actually most people have their own “things” and “differences” going in. Some might be ‘diagnosable’ and other might not.

personally I know a large number of people who are now diagnosed with ASD or ADHD. It does make me wonder if we need to change the way we think about neuro diversity. So rather than thinking about some people being/having ND we should instead see that everyone have different ways of thinking to some extend and everyone has different strengths/needs etc.
obviously there are a smaller number of people with needs that impact on their daily life significantly or who need a significant amount of alternative care/education for whom still would need a label and support.

No one will diagnose you with ADHD because let's say you forgot a dentist appointment whilst juggling two jobs and caring for three young children and being in a full time job.

No but equally it’s a bit like health anxiety, easy to look back and see what were normal or unrelated behaviours as ‘symptoms’ to make the diagnosis ‘fit’. I don’t like the narrative that if you do anything outside of a very narrow stream of ‘normal’ behaviour then you’re neurodiverse. It’s not ‘kind’ it’s just reducing tolerance and acceptance of people with different personality types. I would wager a guess that nobody out there feels completely ‘normal’, that every person has their own quirks and feels like they’re more unusual than other people or can’t cope as well as everyone else can. I think it’s just the human condition to be honest.

It does make me wonder if we need to change the way we think about neuro diversity. So rather than thinking about some people being/having ND we should instead see that everyone have different ways of thinking to some extend and everyone has different strengths/needs etc.

Yes but that wouldn’t be changing. It would be changing back - this is how we thought about the issue when I was growing up and there wasn’t such an obsession with diagnoses or pathologising personality traits. I feel we’ve gone full circle in our quest to be enlightened/tolerant and are actually moving further away from that to a regressive mindset (like with transgender).

I dont know what the diagnostic criteria are, but i dont understand why it has to be rare or unusual to exist or be the right way of thinking about yourself.

Wow. The ableists are out here.

YANBU to find it annoying, but YABU to say she can’t possibly have ADHD and you know better. Isn’t that just the same - instead of armchair diagnosing, armchair deciding someone doesn’t have something? The only people who can say for sure are the qualified experts and even then they get it wrong, because the diagnosis process isn’t an exact science. ADHD and autism are often missed in women and girls and people who are “high functioning” and manage to do well in academics and work. But there’s a very high cost and nobody sees what goes on underneath. I wouldn’t wish ADHD or autistic burnout on anyone. There are actually a lot more neurodivergent people out there than most realise, and just as much as it’s become a bit TikTok-y and “trendy” it’s also become a nasty trend for people to dismiss often very valid and true experiences because “you don’t look like x or y person I knew who had that, therefore you can’t possibly”.

A late autism diagnosis saved my life, and I don’t say that lightly. There are still people in my life who think I can’t possibly be autistic because I have a responsible job and my own business and I’m not like their neighbour’s 5 year old who can’t speak and sits rocking on the floor all day.

Maybe be a bit more open minded. Perhaps you don’t fully know the internal struggles your sister has had, even if they aren’t obvious to you. But also ok to ask her to rein it in and talk about other stuff too, as I get that being fixated on a topic can be tedious for others (and that hyper focus on a new interest is also a hallmark of ADHD btw!)

@Cuppasoupmonster Totally agree. The human condition is variable. We don’t need to diagnose everything. Dyslexia is another great example. There is a huge range of ability with reading and it’s nonsensical to think we can draw a line and say this is where a problem starts.

Totally agree.
Im M of 36 year old, non verbal son. When my son was 3 my sons consultant told me she had only diagnosed 2 children in the 10 years she had been working.

Phew, my views can be a bit marmite so whenever I see someone’s tagged me I always think the worst 😆

But yes, it seems either you’re an NT cardboard cut out held to ridiculously high standards on MN (ie if you forget to hold the door for somebody once you’re an arsehole), or you’re ND. It’s absolutely ridiculous; and really quite damaging.

Thanks for most of the posts. I genuinely don't know if SiL has it or not. She believes she has and she has been referred for assessment and her family members asked to complete questionnaires. If she does then I hope she can get the support she needs and that her son can also get support if he also has it. I know it is likely to be a long process and she is in the position that she can pay for an assessment if needed.

I do know there is a genetic element to it but we are at the stage where SiL is telling her brother (my husband) that their mother and father both have it and her evidence is that they didn't like DIY so never did it or that their mum is often late is not conclusive proof. Its like she is observing some behaviour/trait that could be associated with ADHD and saying that's evidence whilst ignoring the behaviour that doesn't fit that model.

I didn't realise hyperfocus in terms of conversations was a thing with ADHD. It makes sense that if she does have it this is why she cannot manage a conversation without going back to it.

I do get the aspect of hidden disability as I have one myself and being diagnosed and understanding the impact of it made a big difference (EDS) to me . I just don't want every conversation I have with her and every single comment I make about someone circling back to ADHD! That's not abilist, surely.

I don't think dyslexia should be considered part of the human condition. Or any of them really, often a diagnosis leads to additional support which can help you enjoy and live your life to your full potential.

Don’t sufferers of ADHD just want to improve their lives like everyone else? The kinds of things they need to do this may require an actual diagnosis, so she is probably just trying to get that to access help for her and her family. So it’s no wonder it’s at the forefront of her mind.

Great post

RavenclawsPrincess
I think it's incredibly important that people who genuinely think they need assessing get the support they need and assessments that might offer them some clarity.

At the same time I am very cautious about tiktok and social media culture on a number of things, of which very lazy reels that take a common behaviour and suggest diagnosis is needed.

As a ND woman myself I understand the impact of masking and how exhausting it is and know the relief of realising certain things aren't me being useless, but I still find some of the reels circulating at the moment to be unhelpful e.g. Don't put your laundry away for a day or two? You're probably neurodiverse.

I've seen so many families battle to get their children the support and assessments they need, and the system has failed so many, which is why I'm also slightly sceptical of passing moments where over a period of month one thing is the in thing and lots of impressionable people seem to opt into something until it passes and then it's the next thing.