No not everyone has ADHD

[HobnobsChoice]

My sister in law has over the last few months come to the conclusion that she azxnd her child have ADHD. Which they might well do. Certainly my nephew has something going on. Fine, they get their diagnosis and support etc.
But since reading about ADHD she is now claiming almost everyone she knows has ADHD. Both of her parents, both of her exes, one of my kids, her colleague, her former neighbour.

All she talks about is ADHD, traits of ADHD, effects of ADHD. We literally can't have a cup of tea without it being discussed and her suggesting that Person A couldn't do DIY because they probably have ADHD or that person B can't lock a door because they have ADHD. She doesn't seem to realise that someone can just be crap at something without it being indicative od neurodiversity.
Am I being unreasonable to ask her to stop talking about it all the time and remind her that she is a civil servant and in no way qualified to making such sweeping generalisations. And that it's becoming quite frustrating and boring that we no longer talk about anything else. Or is her fixation on this a sign that she probably does have ADHD and she cannot help it.
(To not be accused of drip feeding.She's in her late 30s, a single parent in a responsible role and never had any difficulties at school or university or home which would typically suggest ADHD according to her parents and my husband (her brother). I am aware of masking but they genuinely cannot remember her ever struggling either socially or academically. She's always been employed in either voluntary or public sector and done well in her jobs.)

My son is autistic with high support needs. I do find it frustrating when the discussion is dominated on LinkedIn etc by those diagnosed in their 30s. They have a valuable voice of course they do, and I hope they encourage people to seek diagnosis for themselves but they don't speak for all autism. What my son experiences is very very different.

But nobody is talking about you and your disability.

This, also!

It’s like when someone asks for parenting advice in regards to their challenging teen. First page mumsnet bingo …..”sounds like they have ASD or ADHD”….. or maybe they’re just being a twatty teenager like Kevin or Perry back in the 90s 🤦‍♀️.

Of course - everyone wants to improve their lives. But that, to me, is for an individual to work on, rather than a diagnosis that then sets up a series of obligations from society and people around you. We have a disabled staff network in our workplace and it is rammed with adults with late in life ADHD or ASD diagnoses. We get regular ‘updates’ by email on what they’ve been doing to make our workplace more ‘inclusive’ this month etc. However the group seems fixated on neurodiversity and little else, despite the fact we have wheelchair users who can’t fit through the door frames without scraping their hands, and a severe shortage of rising desks for people with back problems.

I’m also a bit disturbed by how much ‘disability speak’ seems to have crossed into non-disability situations. Has anyone else noticed that? Take the word ‘needs’. Nobody is complaining about their husband being aloof any more, it’s that he’s not ‘meeting my emotional needs’. Or people aren’t tired, they’re ‘not having their sleep needs met’. It’s like everyone is trying to pathologise their feelings for maximum impact.

I would wager half of people being diagnosed with it don’t have it. It’s the latest craze and unfortunately it will completely devalue the diagnosis for genuine cases. Not everyone whose ever struggled with X/Y or Z actually needs a diagnosis. It’s funny how all these people have never had problems at school, university, socially, for the most part of their lives.

Getting an ADHD diagnosis is quite a long process @User98866. Are you suggesting that people are getting false diagnoses or are you implying that they are somehow managing to persuade a specialist to give them the diagnosis they want? Also it's ignorant to say that 'all these people never had problems ...' etc. How the bleeding hell do you know?

I’ve noticed that in the current “hierarchy of privilege” discourse, people who are white, straight cis etc so can’t claim any other kind of disadvantage seen to make a big deal
of an ADHD diagnosis. It reeks of, “look at me! I get to tick an under privileged box too!” Like it’s some kind of subverted competition.

Hmm. I realised I have adhd and am going for a formal diagnosis privately. I also spotted traits in my son and am pretty sure my mum has it.

I then started looking at all my friends and realising that many of them also have strong straights associated with it and it's those traits that have brought us together in life without realising. People with adhd naturally gravitate to each other, it's a thing.

I agree with PP - once you realise you have it, you start to be more aware of it in others. A lot of people have no idea about it and are putting extra pressure on blame on themselves for things, not realising that there is an actual reason behind it.

I've had a mate who dismissed it and it made me feel shit. I see ADHD as a strength and understanding more about it has helped me to navigate life better and not out so much pressure on myself.

I'd say, don't dismiss what she says, there may be truth in it, and be supportive.

Cut her some slack. She’s seeing a lot of things in a different light, as the result of struggles her child has been experiencing. It may be tiresome to you to hear about, in which case find a way to exit the conversation the same way you would if she was chuntering on about any other dull topic.

I think there are a lot of people out there with plenty of traits normally associated with ASD / ADHD, but who would not meet criteria for a formal diagnosis because their ‘symptoms’ (/characteristics/traits) are not significant enough impediments to functioning to be considered a disability. Which is fair enough.

I do wish we had more nuanced language for these differences.

FWIW I think most people who are inherently disorganised / messy have real, lifelong, brain-based differences in how they experience time and space. Most won’t qualify for diagnoses, and will go through life with people around them thinking they’re lazy, flaky, slovenly, careless, and generally a bit shit. Those who do receive diagnoses of with ADHD or dyspraxia, meanwhile, get the eye-rolling and accusations of making excuses or wanting to be special.

It’s not a walk in the park either way.

The NT's will eventually be the rare ones?
People will be posting ''My child is NT'' where can I get support?

Seems so common these days to have some sort of ''label''.
No one can be ''Naughty'' any more, it has to be a syndrome.

@Cuppasoupmonster

Totally agree. So much pathologisation going on and there is going to be an explosion of ADHD in the years to come. I suspect ADHD meds will soon become as common place as the likes of sertraline. I was on a flight yesterday and was sat behind four young ladies on the way back from a night out in the city. They had had a fair bit to drink and they had all depressingly come to the conclusion that they were all “ADHD”.

I can see why someone (not all) with adhd then begins to see it everywhere as it becomes a focus.

People with adhd naturally gravitate to each other, it's a thing.

Yes! It can be the same with autism. My eldest is awaiting ASD assessment. Every single child he managed to become friends with in primary school had autism. He's a lovely boy (I'm biased!) but has always been an outsider when it comes to friendship groups. When he moved to high school he again gravitated towards children with autism. There's quite the little gang of them now😃

Is anyone really inherently messy? It’s acceptable to be messy in our culture so incentives to control it are limited. I don’t see many messy people in Japan, for example.

A lot of these ND diagnoses really just reflect back at us the values of our current society. Intellectual work is valued more highly than practical skills, so being relatively poor at English is far more serious than being relatively poor at building shelves.

The ableism on this thread is depressing. And the gatekeeping. Ugh.

Seems so common these days to have some sort of ''label''.
No one can be ''Naughty'' any more, it has to be a syndrome.
Naughty is a fairly mean label to apply to a child to be fair. I wouldn't even use it for a neurotypical child.

Also, being neurodiverse is not synonymous with behaviour considered naughty by those who use that word. The way they're viewed as often synonymous does a disservice to the diversity within neurodiverse people.

Unfortunately there's some people in life who will jump to "what about X condition" on here for all sorts. It goes in cycles. For a while on Mumsnet it was:
OP: relative and I have a strained relationship because I've found them rude and inconsiderate for years. This time it's gone too far.
Reply: maybe they have dementia, you really ought to be more understanding.

At the moment it's:
OP: I'm struggling and my DP/DH isn't pulling his weight.
Reply: sounds like ADHD. He probably can't help it and you need to lower your expectations. Be kind OP.

Like any disorder, the behaviours that one sees in ADHD are not unusual in the general population. It is the degree to which they impair your function that makes it a disorder. So it is very possible to have ADHD traits (or OCD, or any other disorder) without meeting for a disorder. I think that is what all these self diagnosers miss.

I had no idea there’s an adhd quota. Some of you seem fumming that more people are being diagnosed.

Neurodivergent.

They are probably getting the diagnosis they are asking for and paying for. A lot of it is based on self reporting. Our GP was more than happy to refer DH for assessment when he was experiencing mild MH problems and had decided from reading Reddit he must have adhd (an as ridiculous assertion) . I guarantee most adults being diagnosed have read about it on the internets and decided for themselves they have it.

by ‘all these people’ I mean the posters on here who say they have no problems socially, academically, or in the workplace. Plus all the people I know who are suddenly ND who have never struggled particularly before. Being disorganised, forgetful, easily distracted, hyper focused, socially burnt out, crap at housework (a classic I’ve seen on MN, can’t keep house to 1950s standards, must be adhd!) does not need a diagnosis.

Nothing at all to do with the fact we have attention spans of fucking goldfish because we’re all totally addicted to tech. Guilty

100% this too.

They are probably getting the diagnosis they are asking for and paying for. A lot of it is based on self reporting. Our GP was more than happy to refer DH for assessment when he was experiencing mild MH problems and had decided from reading Reddit he must have adhd (an as ridiculous assertion) . I guarantee most adults being diagnosed have read about it on the internets and decided for themselves they have it.

As an actual professional who is a) autistic b) professionally diagnosed and c) works in mental health with a neurodivergent population, including being a trained assessor and having carried out adult assessments for a private service, in conjunction with a team of qualified professionals before I went self employed, this is 1000% bullshit. We did many assessments where we considered differential diagnosis, or it was inconclusive, or we recommended an assessment for a different condition. Just because someone pays a fee doesn’t mean they automatically get the diagnosis they’re being assessed for. Sometimes people are pissed off at this and we have to manage it, and that can be hard.

But by all means, please continue decrying the “armchair experts” on social media while you continue to do the exact same thing yourself by saying “no, with my extensive qualifications in the grand total of fuck all in this area of psychology and psychiatry I have decided nobody merits a diagnosis and you should all just get over yourselves”

Nobody would have known how much I struggled with social interaction, sensory issues, anxiety and exhaustion etc in my workplace before my burnout that led to diagnosis because I masked it all.

@RavenclawsPrincess

You can have all the qualifications in the world nothing can ever prove you have ADHD. No diagnostic test, it’s all just someone’s professional “opinion”. Nothing more, nothing less. If you tick the right boxes you can have this condition or that condition. I mean there’s that many conditions now it’s all just a bit of a farce.

@User98866
My son was assessed for ADHD a couple of years ago due to exhibiting a number of signs - difficulty concentrating, fidgeting, unable to organise himself, daydreaming, humming/singing in class, etc. There are a few diagnosed cases of ADHD in DP's family. He, however, was found NOT to have it. Not all assessments produce a diagnosis of ADHD. He's now awaiting ASD assessment.