Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

@JumpingFrogs12 I hope your DC is ok now. One of my DSs always needs two of us in the hospital.. his additional needs dictate it, regardless or who understands or who judges us over it. The nursing staff even allowed two of us to be present for an admission during Covid. Sometimes it’s necessary despite what others may think.

As always, some people have been kind and helpful and some have not, regardless of you being upfront about your mental health issues at present. In view of those, I would not actually have posted for that reason because I think you have to be feeling quite thick skinned and resilient to be able to take the rough with the smooth on Mumsnet and there Steve some people who seem to take please in targeting others with harsh opinions - even when they must realise they run the risk of causing further upset - just to have their opinions heard. And in your situation I’m not sure the helpful and kind opinions outweigh these potential effects to your wel-being. It’s the nature of MN unfortunately, always has been. Sad but true.

MIL (working on the basis of what you have described of her personality on other occasions, not just this one) sounds emotionally immature and not someone to rely on for the more difficult occasions in life unfortunately. But you live and learn and at least now you know.

I don’t know where “Steve” came from. Oh for an edit button!!🤷‍♀️

Honestly .. 2 nights in a children's ward and you couldn't cope.
That's weird

You are right , we offered several times to help out in a similar situation this weekend , but we’re not taken up on it 🤷‍♀️

I don't understand the point of posting so unnecessarily rudely and unkindly Sodamcold!!

It'd hard when GPs are resentful. But honestly I do think you were unreasonable to ask. Out local hospital is still doing a one adult policy, I was with DS and DH had to stay home with DD. Its just life. For a day in hospital... its quite OTT.

Having said that, if you agree to help you do it with grace or not at all IMO. Glad
your LO is OK.

What is wrong with the people suggesting that having your cold ambulance into hospital as they weren’t breathing and then kept in, isn’t stressful and difficult or something that everyone should be able to cope with easily?? What horrid attitudes you have.

Have you considered she may have mental health issues or be ND? Sure sounds like it to me, the completely different behaviour, doesn't behave how you would expect in especially stressful situations etc

Is it that they don't care or they quite simply don't understand? Some people don't "get" or just have no "tolerance" for what they view as "weakness" and "pathetic etc. They can be very dismissive.

I am sorry that you have had so much to deal with and I hope your child is now ok. Re PIL maybe DH needs to have a chat with them?

I think the difference is my mil has like a split personality it seems. Very moody and you know all about it. She's either all over us with hugs and kisses and being really supportive and lovely or she's the opposite. We haven't experienced this mood in this situation before but like I've said, lesson learnt.

i hope your DCs are fine now and that you are feeling a bit better OP.
You should read this back though. You have mental health issues. You expect people to make allowances for you and understand. Please extend others the same courtesy.

as for the dogs: they live where they live, and they have dogs which you know about. You need to adjust your expectations. But as countless people have said: they did come. I hope you have sent them proper thanks.

Spiteful, nasty. No wonder you name changed, I wouldn’t want anyone to associate me with this post either.

Absolutely not wrong to ask! When I had my DC1 on an emergency referral to hospital last year I had several family members and friends ask what they could do to help. My dad met me at hospital to take DC2 (I had nothing with me for either of them), my friend went to the shop and dropped relevant requirements for DC2 at my parents, my bro came to hosp to get my house key, he went to mine and packed a case for DC1, even stopped at the shop for snacks and drinks for me. My FIL went and got my dog, another friend went and packed me a bag. Were your PIL aware how things were until the call for help? I don’t understand anyone who doesn’t jump to help in any situation for anyone least of all a GC. I’m sorry they behaved this way! I hope you’re able to ask them if there was an issue and rectify anything with them that’s needed. Hugs! Hope your little one is well again :)

This whole situation has been a lesson learnt - never ask inlaws for any help at a bad time. The was the first and will be the last

That's a bit dramatic and is not a great way to move forward.

I wouldn't have asked the same in your situation, and many on the thread feel the same. However, in the eye of the storm, and feeling fragile, we all do things that reflect the moment, rather than actual thought-out need.

I get that they didn't feel THAT chuffed about it, but they showed up for you when you asked. They did it.

I think you were a bit U, and maybe they were too, not to arrive wreathed in smiles. People aren't perfect.

Good lord, @Intrepidescape, you really have jumped the shark with this one. If you are like this in real life everyone must hate you, but I expect you would never be this rude in real life.

Sounds like my parents. Absolutely use their pets as an excuse not to do anything and have done for years. They always say they’re there for us but the reality is it’s on their own terms. It’s getting worse the older they get; any break to their routine is met with horror. We now get by without assistance.

Agree they shouldn’t have come if they were going to be resentful/grumpy. Glad your child is alright OP.

To hark back to a previous point re dog care, I've lived in the same place for 5 years and still have problems with this. Kennels can be awful for some dogs, people let you down, some people aren't suitable due to their own dogs etc. It's not a personal slight to you that they are fond of their pets and can't dump them at short notice.

I think maybe the main issue is you don't like your MIL much and she isn't as demonstrative as you'd like.

Just to be clear, I have not name changed for this particular post - I’ve used this particular name for quite some time now.

Nothing spiteful or nasty at all - read the thread, I’ve only stated things that MANY others have stated too, and been truthful to the facts 🤷‍♀️

I completely understand that you found it all quite overwhelming and I hope your DC. gets better very soon.

However, I do think YABU to be honest.

Your in-laws drove a long way at very short notice to help you out but you’re still being arsey about the fact your MIL wasn’t more demonstrative towards you.

However, your own darling Dad gets a free pass to not drop everything and drive a much shorter distance to help you out and he’s still a saint because of his day job???

Seriously OP. Double standards!

The only advice I could offer is to look into a nanny service and start looking for a few nannies who would do on-call work for you. I'm going to be doing that myself for emergencies.

I'm sorry for all the emotional turmoil you've had. It's so difficult when our children are ill or have a medical emergency and when we have our own health challenges we need all the help and kindness we can get. 🌹

Absolutely this for me. I understand if was stressful for you and your husband, but on reflection she was admitted to hospital for one night. I don’t think it warranted getting her grandparents to make that trip.
that said, they should have either agreed and been nice, or said no. driving there and sulking is not nice or helpful.

I think you are over thinking all of this OP and it’s time to draw a line under it and move on.

who knows what happened on the car journey on their way to you and yours, your MIL may have been upset/peeved at your FIL for whatever reason or they had a bad experience. Chances are neither you nor DH asked after that considering the circumstances of the time.

And as someone in their late 50’s, it’s my experience with my age group that no one has got away without some sort of health crisis, deteriorating eyesight, tiredness, strokes, cancer, heart attack etc. they may well have something else going on, but ar not wishing to burden you and yours and use the dogs as an excuse.

when DH was diagnosed with prostate cancer, he was adamant he didn’t want anyone to know.

just cut them some slack and be grateful they came, as opposed to your ‘busy’ father…

I think you can always ask family for help that’s what they are for. If they act like that then it’s them with the problem not you. My inlaws came and helped all 3 times my son was in hospital. The first time was for an op. I could only breastfeed him up until 1am. MIL held him in the rocking chair and kept him asleep for 5 hours until it was time to go. Next day was Christmas Day so she cooked the Christmas dinner and kept things going. Another time DH was in the US and couldn’t get back due to strikes. We were ambulances to hospital at 4am because my son couldn’t breath. I was terrified being there on my own. When we were let out I couldn’t get home as I had no car seat. Had to ask a friend. The inlaws stayed until DH came home and helped with everything. Other times they have come and been in a mood about it and I’ve ended up looking after them. You never know what they are going to be like. The helpful sort or the expecting to be waited on.

You would have had to keep my parents away with a crowd control hose if my kids were in the hospital, they would have dropped everything and come as soon as they heard a grandchild was ill. My ex PIL? No chance.

Families are so diverse. Actually both approaches can be great at times depending on what you as a family needs, sometimes having very involved grandparents can be full on too. You PIL obviously respond to situations differently to you and are more hands off. They show their love and care in another way. That doesn't mean they are wrong.

I always really struggled with ex pil
hands-offness, because I grew up with a very demonstrative dynamic. They struggled with me because I’m sure they felt I was overly needy. We just weren't suited.

No need for the moodiness from your MIL though. If youre going to show up to a stress filled situation at least be pleasant.

The thing I’m struck by is how very, very unkind some people are. I assume you all must have been totally friendless with no support in a crisis. In my family we help each other out, that goes both ways, always.