Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

Some people are odd. My kids are still small but I can't imagine not dropping everything and running in an emergency. I would get on a plane if I had to!

I think it's time I step away from this thread. I'm questioning myself as to why I did it in the first place.

It's just making me feel depressed and worse about myself. Sometimes I come onto mumsnet in order to anonymously put my feelings out there thinking it will help, and it can feel freeing in the moment but as a pp said, you have to be thick skinned for the responses. And I'm not that person at the moment.

In the last few months my mental health has spiralled. I have a multitude of mental health issues and they got really bad around Christmas. My anxiety and ocd has been overwhelming, self harming has increased, difficulty sleeping and I have lost a lot of weight. Plus the pressure of caring for my dcs and working.
I was at the priory last week, my meds have been increased, I'm receiving therapy. My anxiety is so bad that my gp and therapist ask me about my support network and I've been told by them not to be alone. Therefore, I think it was right that my dh was with me in the hospital.

I hope that should the situation arise again and we had an emergency, maybe I would have coped better if id been stronger. After reading about pp's on here saying how they coped on their own in tough situations, it makes me feel ashamed of myself.

As far as I'm concerned now, my inlaws are not part of mine or my families support network. We'll keep contact on their terms and if they want to see us when they want to, we'll keep it at that. Bottom line is, no more asking. Mil showing her resentment at coming to us so obviously, isn't what we needed. It's really effected me.

What I need to focus on, is the fact our dc2 is getting better now, that I do have my dh and parents and that I need to get myself better. Why am I letting my mil and nasty people on mumsnet bring me down even more?!

Thank you to everyone who has been understanding and kind.

@katepilar thank you x

"All this bullshit about how she was showing she cared by just being there- but yet she couldn't bring herself to even try to comfort you when you're we're crying? Who does that? Not a loving MIL! "

Some people are loving and caring but just can't relate to emotions ( maybe she's neurodiverse 🤷‍♀️)

So, my eldest has had multiple hospitalisations for febrile seizures (not your 5 min convulsions, incase anyone wants to play it down, blue lighted several times, resus several times, almost didn't survive a 50 minute seizure in October etc and now under epilepsy team) so I know how stressful and awful the experience is and the PTSD it leaves you with. He's 4, we also have a breastfed 1 yr old. With his latest long hospitalisation my husband dropped baby at nursery, came to hospital to let me get a few hours rest and sleep, went back, collected baby from nursery, brought her to visit, took her home to bed and repeat for 4 nights. It was awful. Our hospital only 1 parent can stay at night.

I don't think it was wrong to ask for help but it wouldn't have dawned on me to ask someone to come such a distance when you already had each other and a other set of adults for support. Also we wouldn't both stay in hospital with 1 child, leaving the other without a parent if we could help it. Luckily we were all there while resus etc was going on but after that our baby needed to go home to sleep and our big kid needed his mum.

I also think it's unfair to be so annoyed that they have dog commitments. Once you have a pet you're responsible for it and often older people get them when their children aew grown and no longer need them so much.

We have support from mil but it sounds like way less than you have from your parents before you called the in laws in. That said sick kids is hands down the worst part of parenting and I'm listening to my eldest cough while he's on seizure watch tonight with a fever dying inside having not slept in a week because we all had gastroenteritis and I haven't slept. So I feel the being at breaking point.

So basically, I have a lot of empathy for your situation but your mils life and dogs etc are still important to HER and I suspect she feels how dismissive you are of them

Look after yourself OP xx

Nice one to all the people who've been cunty. Hope you're proud of yourselves.

I'm so sorry you feel ashamed. I think you reached out for help when you needed it and that's brave and clever. You needed support to help you be strong for your child. You are human, you are not invincible. I'm glad you are getting the help you need via Dr's etc. I think you sound like a wonderful mum doing her best. Lots of love xxxxx

I'm still reeling from what feels like the majority of these responses. I'm irish & this simply wouldn't happen in my own family. Is it a culture thing? I genuinely don't get it? I feel terribly for you OP - please don't let these bizzare responses bring you down
Honestly it's like the misery Olympics here sometimes.

It's certainly a MN thing. Dogs come first and once you've turned 18 don't expect any help off
your family or you're entitled. Grandparents have done their slog and should be doing anything other than helping their adult children with the grandchildren. So says MN. Perhaps it's a middle class thing, as the majorly of posters on here seem to fall in that bracket. Who knows? It's weird as fuck.

It sounds like an awfully stressful time , but honestly asking two elderly people with dogs, to drive a 260 mile round trip does seem a bit overboard when there were already several adults about . They probably didn’t feel like they could say no, but no wonder they were stressed. To not put a brave face on it and be more caring when they got there is a bit unforgivable though.

👏

This thread has seriously made me question whether there is any advice worth taking on MN at all. And so, so sorry for all these people who seem to go through life resenting and hating each other so much. I am beyond grateful for my friends and family who are nothing like this.

This.

It's certainly a MN thing. Dogs come first and once you've turned 18 don't expect any help off your family or you're entitled. Grandparents have done their slog and should be doing anything other than helping their adult children with the grandchildren. So says MN. Perhaps it's a middle class thing, as the majorly of posters on here seem to fall in that bracket. Who knows? It's weird as fuck

What a ridiculous statement.

First of all, there is no MN. It's individual posters expressing individual views.

Also you'll find a wide variety of views expressed if you you care to read them.

Agree.

I actually think this thread is fairly balanced, as it goes. A few nasty comments, but a broad, sensible, compassionate range of opinions, by and large.

I also have a prickling thing about women not measuring up for not being huge/tactile/smily/warm/etc. I've no idea whether that's at play here, but there is a major double-standard as a rule with this kind of behaviour and the observance of it.

Focus on the grandparents who did want to be there to help, that's all I can suggest. I don't think you need to ask the reason because its obvious but no proper grandparent would ever have made you feel bad over distance and "putting them out" in that situation. I've experienced similar and I still use them if I need to but I don't put emotion into it or bother caring what they really think, they're just a tool for help me. I'm glad your child is OK now, that all sounds super scary.

They're in their 50's. Since when was that elderly?!

This thread has seriously made me question whether there is any advice worth taking on MN at all. And so, so sorry for all these people who seem to go through life resenting and hating each other so much. I am beyond grateful for my friends and family who are nothing like this Absolutely!!

@MrsLighthouse the OP said PIL are late 50s / 60s - is this elderly now?

This thread is v unsettling

Just something to think about. How old are the grandparents and how is their health?
I adore my granddaughter and do everything I can to help out. But I now sometimes have to say no. No because I don't want to but because of my poor health I can't

First of all, there is no MN. It's individual posters expressing individual views I've been on MN for donkey's years and there is and always has been a general consensus on certain topics which is unreflective of the views of the majority of people I know IRL. Sometimes you can get some really good advice, but more often than not it turns into a pile on on posters who are vulnerable and who don't deserve it.

If you read the thread you'd know that they're in their late 50's and in good health. The mother of the OP isn't in good health, neither is the OP.

It really is. The fact OP has posted the last update and people are still carrying on and also trying to justify what's gone on here is just vile.

No, they did not ‘need’ to be there. The situation was handled, and the immediate crisis had passed. Wanting them to be there is different to needing them to be there.

Good for you if you would I guess. Ironically I would say MN is arguably more reflective of ‘real life’ in many ways, given that it exposes you to the views of those beyond your social circle.