Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

Exactly this. Appreciate that at these times we're all scared and decision making is hard. It's very unusual that every child in the waiting room had as you say '2 equally terrified parents' - I have unfortunately had to spend many nights in paediatric a&e including resus and most kids had only one parent around during the day (often in shifts to allow one to work or care for another child), and all at night, to my knowledge - it's good you could both be there, but not typical and perhaps that's why it was hard for her to understand why it was necessary to make it 6 adults.

Glad your DC is okay, hope you all get a break now and everyone feels better.

I Would have sent husband home to care for other child at home. And called on local grandparents for additional help until it was clearer how your infant was responding to medical intervention. Could your dad also have left work to help your mum out for a bit too if that was necessary.

perhaps that’s why your in laws were a bit cold. They arrived and rolled their sleeves up to help. But you seem to have wanted emotional support on top of the practical support.

If it was me I would have managed with husband and I. Calling on local in-laws to help when needed. If things worsened I would have then considered more help but would have asked your local parents first. (Both).

I guess you guys chose to live far away from your husbands family. It’s not so convenient to call on help when that’s the case. But they came and helped and that’s exactly what you asked of them.

The first time my toddler had an asthma attack and needed to be admitted, my husband was working away (UK) and my parents were on holiday (also UK). My children went to school friends houses and slept over, even though it was a school night and I didn't even know the parents well. I didn't contact in laws because they are elderly and live 40 minutes drive away and wouldn't be able to get them to school. If my husband was home there is no way both of us would go to A&E, never mind stay. Only one of us has ever gone to hospital with a child. Unless a child is critically ill, I don't think both parents should be allowed to stay. In your in laws time, I expect a child wouldn't be allowed even one parent to stay over, so I can see why she felt it was a bit much. But she should have just said no if that is how she felt.

THIS!
it’s quite a trek for them and I wonder and I’m sure they did too if they were your own option.

I despair when I read comments like this. They are close family, of course they should help. The fact you can't believe the OP asked says more about you than the OP.

Many years ago my MIL dropped everything to come and stay with me after I had an horrendous first delivery and DH could not take any time off work. She travelled across the atlantic and FIL dealt with the teenage ones still at home.

I would do anything for my MIL and she knows it. She is so loving and kind.

I think this is probably the thing - she thought "what the heck" as she has likely had to do similar stuff when she was a young Mum and as many of us have done. We didn't all have 2 sets of Grandparents to call on. If she was local then different.

They're not two people, they're the husband's parents and the sick child's grandparents ffs.

OP I literally cannot understand some of the relies you've had. I'm in shock. If this d any kind of a litmus test then society is truly fucked!
You have an older dc with challenging behaviour due to special needs & you yourself are experiencing mental health challenges & have trauma from negative hospital experiences having dc2 during covid.
Then poor dc2 gets rushed to hospital by ambulance with severe breathing difficulties & your mum who has eplipsy & related health problems minds dc1.

I can't remember if you mentioned if your inlaws are retired or not?

You were 100% not in the wrong to ask them to help. They're FAMILY. Bet my last pound if one of them was rushed to hospital unable to breathe & it was a titL emergency you'd know all about it.

I'm sorry that your MIL is not a nicer person (but this thread really demonstrates how many people are not nice people). All this bullshit about how she was showing she cared by just being there- but yet she couldn't bring herself to even try to comfort you when you're we're crying? Who does that? Not a loving MIL!
I understand why you asked. I'm sorry she helped with such bad grace that's really crap particularly since you've been in hospital/ unwell yourself so recently.

Be kind to yourself. Try to put her out of your mind but know that if there's ever a next time she is not the person to turn to.

Hope dc2 is on the mend. The responses on this thread have made me feel depressed.

What a truly awful person you are to post something like that.

Who didn’t need to be there, given there were already four adults present and the immediate crisis had passed.

A 260 mile round trip is not going to make anyone ecstatic, especially if it’s realized halfway through that it wasn’t actually vital to do.

It was a bit much to ask them to travel all that way in my opinion. You and your husband could have rotated between one staying and hospital and one going home so you could sleep. It seems a bit unfair to ask them to travel all that way as I’m sure they were in a position and couldn’t really say no. It’s different if it was an emergency where you had no other option and they were the only possible people who could help but in this situation it was workable without them travelling all that way. It’s just not very fair. I would be really overly grateful to them for coming and stress how appreciated it was.

I was with you until this comment. Their dogs are priority in all situations it seems.

Well why shouldn’t their dog be a priority to them? I have a dog, I couldn’t at short notice go and stay at a relatives because they wanted help with their children. I have a dog and he’s my responsibility, I’d have to get back for him. Sure, arranged in advance I can sort a dog sitter, but not for something like this. You can’t be cross at them for having other commitments that mean they can’t drop everything for you and you DC.

Who didn’t need to be there, given there were already four adults present and the immediate crisis had passed OP has explained why they needed to be there. The majority of grandparents and close family members would be there in a heartbeat. I live in a different country from my family, but would get on a plane and help my family without feeling any inconvenience. IRL everyone I know would. It's just on MN everyone's so put out by everything.

They did the kind thing in coming.
Also the expected thing, given that their own children asked in a pinch. But despite it being expected, it WAS kind.

And the truth is that you sound exhausting.

@corcaithecat my dad did help out on the evening we went into hospital but he couldn't the following day. He's in no way a saint but he did what he could.

I know it's not fair of me and I wouldn't say this to any of my family but it is a bit grating that my inlaws are in their 50s, drive, are in good health, retired, live a very leisurely life style, socialise etc. I'm not knocking them for it but I do think they are in a bubble. Despite, knowing our situation (sen son, my mental health problems, my mum's health problems, my dad still works), they only really want to know or see us on their terms. So we thought, in an emergency, they'd be more emotionally supportive.

My dad visits hospitals and hospices as part of his work to be with people as they die. He has funerals to do too. I know he'd be there for us but equally, I know he has these commitments. Doesn't really compare to the inlaws day to day life of going to the gym. I know people will disagree with this and say we have no right to expect anything from the inlaws and of course, this is just my feelings but I'm allowed to be quietly annoyed.

Having said that, I will reiterate that we were grateful that they did come and we did say thank you.

But your dad didn't stop doing what he does, that is the point many people are making. Your dad didn't break into his work. But your inlaws actually did the round trip.

So to answer your original AIBU: no. You were not BU to ask.
You are BVU to whinge about her attitude. Especially in light of the revelation about your dad. And FIL? does he get a free pass too? Is that a pattern.

I hope that you're all recovered from what must have been a horrible shock. And are thinking about what you'll do if this kind of thing happens again.

I disagree. There were other
options that were available and could have been considered before calling on distanced in laws. Yes close family, but they chose to live x number of miles away. That forgoes the convenience of having them on call and is very likely why they were cold. IMO

I don't get why some posters don't understand that the mil did come when asked . She arranged for a friend to have the dogs and did what op asked. How is this wrong , I have dogs and would find it difficult to find someone to look after them short notice, I wouldn't want them in a friends house and would feel uncomfortable a friend staying in mine . But like ops MIL I would do it in an emergency.
They came they looked after a child who's behaviour was " of the scale " but mil didn't engage how op wanted.

@ChamberLink thank you, I really appreciate your comment.

I would bow out of this thread OP, especially with the anxiety you have described, it's just going to make you feel worse. Some people have been really unnecessarily unkind. MN can be awful, calling someone with mental health problems entitled, self-absorbed etc. You have a mum with health problems, your own health problems, a child with SN and a child who has been unwell enough to give you a real scare. If people still feel the need to come on and give you a kicking, it says more about them than you. I'm not a grandparent, but if/when I am I wouldn't have even needed to asked to come and help. I would have wanted to.

I disagree. There were other options that were available and could have been considered before calling on distanced in laws. Yes close family, but they chose to live x number of miles away. That forgoes the convenience of having them on call and is very likely why they were cold. IMO And this is why many other cultures do not understand the English. If I read this thread to my Spanish family their jaws would be on the floor, because here family is everything and they help each other without any feeling of inconvenience.

This. I can’t believe people think that some tight-lipped, cold bastard turning up means that they somehow care. I’ve got one in my family. If only life were so simple.

OP, you’ve also been unfortunate enough to have involved dogs in your story. That was always going to put you at a disadvantage with a particular brigade.

OP, you’ve also been unfortunate enough to have involved dogs in your story. That was always going to put you at a disadvantage with a particular brigade This. I couldn't believe the comment about how dogs would be likely to be so stressed if left with a friend. Yes, let's worry about dogs being stressed, but fuck the mental health of the DIL and her mum coping with a SN
child with her own health problems.

OP, its always ok to ask for help if you feel you need it.

It doesnt matter if other people in the same situation didnt need help or if other people think you shouldnt need help. In this case most pp dont know what its like to have a DS like you do or what is it like to have crippling MH issues. Lots of the pp also sound bitter that they didnt ask for help or didnt have anyone to even ask for it when they needed it.

Plus, having a baby stop breathing is a terrifing experience. Family I nannied for had it happen, I stayed three hours in the hospital with the baby and felt genuinly depressed for weeks afterwards.

Wishing you a lot of strength and speedy recovery for all of you.