Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

@Edinburghmusing I don't even know how to reply to this vicious comment. It's low and says a lot more about you than it does me.

You don't know me and don't know a thing about my mental health challenges which I can only liken to a living hell at times. There will always be people more traumatised but that doesn't make mine or anyone else's trauma less valid.

How do you manage in normal life.

I wouldn't be happy to arrive and find 4 adults there (well3 because for some reason your dad is exempt)

I'm sorry you have MH issues but you need to realise that your in laws did nothing wrong.

It would be worth exploring with your therapist how much is reasonable in terms of support.

@Edinburghmusing maybe but the op asked for and wanted support. She needed support. Whether you think you would in that situation is irrelevant. The op asked her family for support. They preferred to rush home to their dogs. Not what I would do.

no @saraclara, do you? I know as much as you do. But I’d assume these people who care so much about their dogs that they’d leave their son and DIL needing support wouldn’t have left them with some incompetent random.

The Op has specifically said she neither expected or invited her inlaws to stay. They took their eldest grandchild out and keep him occupied whilst the Op slept.
I don't really see why they should be criticised for that.

Your tone is absolutely awful and shameful. Whether you think OP should've coped or not – and who made you judge and jury, frankly – she's made it clear she suffers from extreme mental health issues and has recently received in-clinic treatment and you are just piling on her regardless. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

no @saraclara, do you? I know as much as you do. But I’d assume these people who care so much about their dogs that they’d leave their son and DIL needing support wouldn’t have left them with some incompetent random.

But I'm not the one saying that the in-laws could have left the dogs with this friend for longer. I'm assuming nothing. The friend could work part time and not be available next day. Or have an appointment, or be away all day. Or simply not be prepared to have someone else's dogs at short notice for more than a day.

Yes yes you’re right, there could be a million reasons for them behaving so uncaringly to their son and dil. A million. Like I say, you know as much as I do about the ruddy dogs. I do know far too many people who use “the dogs” as an excuse for all kinds of crap though. Maybe that’s colouring my view. Who knows.

@Edinburghmusing i agree with the pp who said that is a staggeringly, breathtakingly callous and nasty post.

So uncaring that they got off their backsides and did 260 mile round trip to look after their grandchild whilst the Op, her husband and mother slept.

The Op's dad was too busy to help out at all.

I can see it was a stressful period but the complaints around her mother in law read like an overreaction.

You’re very unpleasant

That’s another pretty shitty reply to be honest. What a sad life you must lead. I’m glad my family are nothing like you.

I’ve reported @Edinburghmusing ‘s posts.

so unnecessarily nasty, attacking someone because you don’t believe their MH issues are valid.

Maybe your MIL has mental health problems that affect how her mood is day-to-day. If she is sometimes capable of great affection, then clearly there is something going on with for her to be so detached at other times. You're taking it personal but it likely has nothing to do with you. As someone with MH issues yourself, I'm sure you'd find it unfair if people complained about you being "in a mood" when you're just struggling.

If I was the grandparent in that situation I'd drop everything and come and help whichever way I could. I would stay as many nights as you needed me and would take the stress off if you as much as possible. Some people are odd and can't see past their own feelings. Very, very odd.

OP, those with desperately unhappy lives are deciding to pile on tonight.

Mental health issues affect so many people in so many ways yet those with those self-same issues struggle to have sympathy or empathy with other people's mental health problems.

My best guess is several of these posters are not supported at all in their lives and are jealous of even the support you have from your DH and DP.

For what It's worth, having a child with SN and coping with a scary hospitalisation and having MH issues - I think you're doing a really good job.

@Ifeellikeateenageragain thank you. I really appreciate that.

I agree with @Ifeellikeateenageragain, @JumpingFrogs12, you are doing well. Try to give yourself a break.

You’re not crazy OP.
It’s not crazy to want your children’s grandparents to care and want to help.
Your husband will have been equally worried and stressed and tired and many parents would want to be there to support him.
I’m sorry they don’t have that feeling towards their son and their grandchildren.
I’m sorry you’re getting pasted on here.

Sign out and go and look after yourself and your family. This is not somewhere you’re going to get much support.

Sorry you e had some nasty replies OP.
I do think you are taking your MIL reaction way too seriously. Not hugging means nothing and so what if she was feeling a bit pissed off. It's not the end of the world. She isn't perfect and neither is anyone else!

With all the other things going on it's pointless wasting energy on this. She is a bit moody. You already knew this so you shouldn't be quite so shocked that she was a bit moody having had to drive all that way to help you.

Does she know how much you struggle with mental health issues?

OP you’re definitely missing the point (as are many posters) and probably misinterpreting actions/expressions.

Your mil and fil DID drive a very long way to help - like you asked them to!
Your own dad did NOT do the same - yet this is ok with you.
Your in laws have their own life and commitments - yet you want them to change their world to be at your beck and call, on your terms and views (not just this ‘emergency’ but normal, everyday life).

You really need to learn to live your own life, with your own family, deal with your own day to day, and emergencies. Stop holding one set of parents in the highest esteem and criticise the other set for not living their life to suit you.

This is spot one, how much help does one family need !!!

We asked but they didn't have to come.

Don't be so disingenuous op. The thread if they had refused to come can only be imagined.

@JumpingFrogs12 have you ever spoken to your MIL about her behaviour ever been different.

Because it is a real possibility that she is having some mental health issues as well which sometimes cause her to act like this and your issues are causing you to react.

Just deciding unilaterally to never ask doesnt help - have you actually ever talked to her?

I'm so sorry for what you went through. It must have been awful. Together with struggling with mental health you must be mentally and physically exhausted.

I'm sorry your MIL is such a grumpy old cow. You weren't unreasonable to ask for help at all. As for the nasty comments from people on here I'm afraid there's some cruel people in the world who love to disagree with anything just to get into some drama. Fuck em. Hope you and your little one are doing OK.

It’s a difficult one as I too have been to hospital many times with my little boy- he was prem and have been in a number of times due to infections turning into pneumonia. We don’t have grandparents or family to help so my DH and I did the hospital visits in shifts as even though we both wanted to be there we have another child at home and also in our hospital it isn’t practical for both parents to stay over - space issues (each child’s bed has a fold out single bed) plus there is the potential for disturbing others when they are trying to rest at night. I too have mental health issues but we have to muddle together. Each time at the hospital as been frightening as pneumonia is a dangerous illness especially for someone so little. I expect it hasn’t been the last time we will have to do hospital visits. You just have to find a way to muddle along and be thankful you have one set of GP to help out.

however, I can see how you were upset if your MIL was cold but unless your DP asks them to see if there was an issue, it could be a little bit of tiredness from their journey and knowing they had a long drive back and possibly you being a little sensitive due to being tired and having been through this worry that you have had. Maybe you could send a thank you card or some flowers?

i hope your little one is okay now and fingers crossed they have sorted the problem. It is so worrying when your baby (no matter the age) is poorly as you feel so helpless. X