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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have DH's location visible at all times?

582 replies

Algor1thm · 14/01/2023 07:44

This should really be AWBU because it's the same for both of us. We've had location sharing on between us 24/7 for a couple of years now. I can always see where DH is and vice versa. It's hugely helpful and we turned it on for very practical reasons. No more messaging each other where are you, having to explain that we're stuck in traffic, worrying about each other if we're running late etc. It's certainly not to 'check up on each other', there has never been a hint of suspicion of infidelity in the relationship and we both trust each other fully. Days go by without me checking his location, but it's very handy to have there when we need it.

We're both happy with the arrangement, but I said to a friend the other day that I'd just quickly check whether DH was home yet and looked at my phone, and she reacted like what I was doing was really awful. She was gobsmacked and sort of acted like it was a controlling/abusive thing (despite it being both ways). I've mentioned it to several friends since and I've had very mixed reactions. Some couples do the same, some thought it was very odd.

AWBU? Is this a weird invasion of each other's privacy?

OP posts:
whataboutsecondbreakfast · 15/01/2023 12:33

PrincessConstance · 15/01/2023 10:04

Those that have these apps are doing so willingly. Hardly controlling or problematic.

I think comments like this are spectacularly naive. You may have it willingly but it doesn't necessarily follow that it's never problematic or controlling.

I've seen these apps cause so much unnecessary anxiety and panic when they stop working, or the person's phone dies or has no signal. People automatically assume the worst when in reality, the person is absolutely fine and just forgot their charger, or left their phone in the car etc.

There's also the argument that the more you normalise things like this, the more they become open to abuse. If children are raised in homes where it's totally normal to monitor people's whereabouts 24/7, they won't necessarily see it as an issue when a new partner wants to do it too.

Yarrawonga · 15/01/2023 12:49

I've seen these apps cause so much unnecessary anxiety and panic when they stop working, or the person's phone dies or has no signal. People automatically assume the worst when in reality, the person is absolutely fine and just forgot their charger, or left their phone in the car etc

Are you talking about location apps or mobile phones in general? The scenarios you have given apply to both, so are you suggesting we stop using mobile phones?

Lostinalibrary · 15/01/2023 13:03

I think that people who genuinely think you use it for tracking - it says more about them to be honest. Not everything is sinister, controlling and full of paranoia.

We are an Apple household and spend £30 ish a month for top tier everything. It means that we all get the benefits of all the apps, the full subscriptions, music services, purchase and huge storage (which is private). One lot of £30 vs £180 pcm. Not rocket science is it? As part of being a family we are all on find my iPhone.

Don’t use it for tracking - this isn’t a stealth brag it’s cold hard fact. We all have MacBooks, iPads, phones and 2 iMacs. Probably over 10k of devices between us all. It’s also necessary for the job, degree courses in this household which are tech related. We are insured - Apple care is invalidated for theft if you turn tracking off.

The only time tracking is ever used is when one of us has lost the phone down the sofa “can you ping my iPhone” is a very common phrase. Nothing sinister, just very practical. Our expensive devices are insured and we are all getting the benefits of Apple subs for £30 and not £180.

flamingqueen · 15/01/2023 14:57

Another household they used or got practical reasons. We started because STBX motorbiked home from work so wasn't contactable. I worked in the evenings and if he wasn't back by the time I needed to leave, I wasn't sure if he was going to be late or just about to turn into the road. A problem when we had young children to take care of!

We kept it up when the kids were teens and they are still on there now as young adults, although myself and STBX have obviously unlinked from each other.

We'll likely turn it off someday soon, probably when the kids have moved out, but while we all have Apple family sharing it works 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Algor1thm · 15/01/2023 15:27

Not sure how this thread has become people who don't use location tracking becoming very defensive about why they don't use it... I certainly don't think not using it says anything about your relationship or that everyone should use it 🤔 If you don't think it would add anything positive to your life then obviously don't use it!

But I find it bizarre that some people think it's not possible to use it responsibly for very practical (boring) reasons within a non-abusive, non-controlling relationship. Or that everyone with location settings turned on is sat there tracking each other 24/7 and giving them a hard time about where they choose to go.

(Or that making dinner for your partner as they commute home is a sign of oppression.)

OP posts:
whataboutsecondbreakfast · 15/01/2023 15:31

Yarrawonga · 15/01/2023 12:49

I've seen these apps cause so much unnecessary anxiety and panic when they stop working, or the person's phone dies or has no signal. People automatically assume the worst when in reality, the person is absolutely fine and just forgot their charger, or left their phone in the car etc

Are you talking about location apps or mobile phones in general? The scenarios you have given apply to both, so are you suggesting we stop using mobile phones?

I'm talking about location apps. Owning a mobile doesn't mean someone can see where you are at all times, and then panic when you're somewhere else.

People rely on the apps to see where someone is, and then because the app is down, or the person is showing as being at location A when they should be at location B, they automatically leap to the worst case scenario.

The reality ends up being that the person was at location B all along - but they'd just left their phone at location A, or the app had failed to update.

JustFrustrated · 15/01/2023 15:34

Definitely not for me or DH.

I find it really intrusive. I don't particularly like the fact we can see when we come and go on the door camera.

The only time we share location is when one of us doing an early/late drive for some miles. E.g. leaving at 4 am to drive 200 miles, then we put a live location pin on WhatsApp, especially on the homeward leg so the other one gets a cup of tea ready.

I have the children on "life360" but don't share my location with them, and only check theirs when they're later home from school than I expected

But that is the extent of it.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 15/01/2023 15:54

OP, YOU are using responsibly and I'm sure most people who use it on this thread are using it quite innocently too. The problem is normalising something that has and will continue to be used as a tool for abuse. How are we going to tell our children, friends etc. that being tracked and monitored is bad if it's coercive and fine if benevolent. How are they supposed to know the difference if it's been so normalised in life? Their abuser will probably use the same reasons given on this thread, until it becomes something different.

I believe we are living in an anxious state at the moment, the need for constant reassurance and if someone isn't contactable for a couple of hours this leads to massive anxiety. I don't think it's healthy to do that, people need time to switch off and we live in a constant 'on' world.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 15/01/2023 16:04

But I find it bizarre that some people think it's not possible to use it responsibly for very practical (boring) reasons within a non-abusive, non-controlling relationship.

I don't think that's what people are saying, though. Plenty of people do use it responsibly and legitimately, but there are also many people who will feel pressured into using tracking apps because it's become so commonplace.

For someone who claims not to care about being tracked, you seem very invested in arguing about how beneficial it can be. If you genuinely didn't care - why post?

Original poster
Algor1thm · 15/01/2023 16:51

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat the same way I hope to teach my children about lots of subtle behaviour differences that can be abusive or not. The way I explain that when my husband teases me in jest that isn't the same as him calling me abusive names. The way that when they're older I'll teach them that consensual sex isn't the same as rape. Things aren't black and white all the time. Lots of things in relationships are okay or abusive dependent on context and consent.

@whataboutsecondbreakfast I posted because I was unsure whether this was quite a weird thing to do or not based on my friend's reaction. I've been reassured on here that it's common enough to make it fairly normal, even if some don't agree with it.

OP posts:
Yarrawonga · 15/01/2023 18:03

I'm talking about location apps. Owning a mobile doesn't mean someone can see where you are at all times, and then panic when you're somewhere else.

But not having a working one does mean that you can’t be contacted or contact anyone yourself, potentially leading to the assumption of the worst. Just as with a location app that suddenly stops working, as in your scenarios.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 15/01/2023 18:22

Yarrawonga · 15/01/2023 18:03

I'm talking about location apps. Owning a mobile doesn't mean someone can see where you are at all times, and then panic when you're somewhere else.

But not having a working one does mean that you can’t be contacted or contact anyone yourself, potentially leading to the assumption of the worst. Just as with a location app that suddenly stops working, as in your scenarios.

Sure, I just don't think the two are really the same.

Beezknees · 15/01/2023 21:10

PrincessConstance · 15/01/2023 10:04

Those that have these apps are doing so willingly. Hardly controlling or problematic.

Do you really think that someone in an abusive relationship is "willing?" The apps didn't exist when I was in my controlling relationship, but my ex partner wanted to know where I was at all times, and I bet if they were available he'd have forced me to put it on my phone so he could see where I was.

PrincessConstance · 16/01/2023 07:27

Beezknees · 15/01/2023 21:10

Do you really think that someone in an abusive relationship is "willing?" The apps didn't exist when I was in my controlling relationship, but my ex partner wanted to know where I was at all times, and I bet if they were available he'd have forced me to put it on my phone so he could see where I was.

Show quote history

I understand what you are saying. However the posters in this thread are not in abusive relationships, nor is the relationship heading that way.

VioletaDelValle · 16/01/2023 10:10

Do you really think that someone in an abusive relationship is "willing?" The apps didn't exist when I was in my controlling relationship, but my ex partner wanted to know where I was at all times, and I bet if they were available he'd have forced me to put it on my phone so he could see where I was.

But I'm not in an abusive relationship. I understand how this technology could be abused in situations you describe but not all relationships are abusive or have trust issues and for many of us it's just a practical tool that's makes our lives that little easier.

MeridaBrave · 16/01/2023 19:03

We have the same. I don’t need to text Him to ask if he is home yet. Or walking the dog… don’t check up that often…

Waspsnbees · 16/01/2023 20:37

we do the same. it's dead handy. i can check whether dh is on his way home from work without bothering him. i can also check where he is when he's actually travelling (cycles, so can't call him). kids have activities every evening. we have to leave here at around the time he gets home. if he's home before i leave (or looking like he's almost home) i leave the older 2 home while dropping others off. if he's still at work i take all the kids with me.
it's never crossed my mind that it might be odd.
a friend of mine was the opposite of OP's friend. i told her i was just checking where dh was and she said 'wow, that's very handy!'

Topi226 · 16/01/2023 20:49

Wow I'm really suprised by the mixed responses!
My whole family have an app and we can all location share.
I only check where my husband is if he's bringing a takeaway back and I'm so hungry I need to know how long 😂
My sister will track me as I have a hour and half journey to hers and she will want to know how far away I am, when I'm rushing getting the kids In the car I never message to say I've left so It's easier.
My husband always asks if I got there safely and I'd wish he would just check the app so I don't have to message

silverclock222 · 16/01/2023 20:55

If you're both fine with it that's all that matters.

runlittlemonster · 16/01/2023 21:11

Not something I would ever do, but then again I feel the same way about a shared bank account with my DH, which most of mumsnet seems to think is the done thing! Why would I want him to see my secret trips to sainsburies for 20 quids worth of snacks 😆

BridieConvert · 16/01/2023 21:35

I see no issue with it. The first person I shared location with was my SIL when she was going on a tinder date and wanted someone to know where she was and she knew where I was to be able to pick her up if needed. From there I now have my mum, sister, SIL, husband and MIL.
I very rarely check it but it’s handy to have in case it’s needed.

neighboursmustliveon · 16/01/2023 21:44

We also all share our location. Really useful when one of us is driving home to be able to judge when they will be home/when to have tea ready.

My DH occasionally sets it to ping when I leave work so he can put the meal on.

Iateallthechips · 16/01/2023 21:53

We all have find my friends on iphone - me, dh and now 20 year old ds, he’s had it on since he inherited my old iphone when he was 13.

The only time it annoys me is when I am out and ds can see I’m in the supermarket and I get “muuuum, as you are in Tesco, please can you get me xyz so I don’t have to go after work”, when I’ve just paid and got in the car (he’s got a knack for catching me after I’ve paid!)

DottieUncBab · 16/01/2023 22:19

My parents do this, it’s useful as my mum knows when to put dinner on etc.

I want it for me and my husband but he’s less keen so I haven t pushed him on it.

NoBiscuitsLeftInMyTin · 16/01/2023 22:27

Me and DP can track each other and have 6children between us - 11-25yo and some of those are ‘being tracked’ as well - with their knowledge and we’re all happy with it.