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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have DH's location visible at all times?

582 replies

Algor1thm · 14/01/2023 07:44

This should really be AWBU because it's the same for both of us. We've had location sharing on between us 24/7 for a couple of years now. I can always see where DH is and vice versa. It's hugely helpful and we turned it on for very practical reasons. No more messaging each other where are you, having to explain that we're stuck in traffic, worrying about each other if we're running late etc. It's certainly not to 'check up on each other', there has never been a hint of suspicion of infidelity in the relationship and we both trust each other fully. Days go by without me checking his location, but it's very handy to have there when we need it.

We're both happy with the arrangement, but I said to a friend the other day that I'd just quickly check whether DH was home yet and looked at my phone, and she reacted like what I was doing was really awful. She was gobsmacked and sort of acted like it was a controlling/abusive thing (despite it being both ways). I've mentioned it to several friends since and I've had very mixed reactions. Some couples do the same, some thought it was very odd.

AWBU? Is this a weird invasion of each other's privacy?

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 14/01/2023 21:39

Threads evolve and I made a comment about ‘being paranoid’

Not everyone is so keen on so much data being collected and used without consent

stopringingme · 14/01/2023 21:42

We know a couple who have this and we thought it was a bit weird and feels like you don't trust each other, also a bit controlling.

But if you are both aware and agree to it be there it should not bother you what other people think.

tigger1001 · 14/01/2023 22:19

Abraxan · 14/01/2023 18:38

If you dont have your location services on - if you misplace your phone, how do you find it without turning the house upside down?

That's the main reason we have it.

You can have your location services turned on but still not share your location with others in your household. I often use my watch to ping my phone in the house, but it's not shared with others.

SandyLanez · 14/01/2023 22:24

HRTQueen · 14/01/2023 21:39

Threads evolve and I made a comment about ‘being paranoid’

Not everyone is so keen on so much data being collected and used without consent

Except you do consent

Via the terms of usage of those websites that collect the data.

BodyShapeWoes · 14/01/2023 22:27

Can’t say I’ve ever had any desire to track my husband…or check up on him

I do have him on find my app on the iPhone as one of us is always putting our phones/iPads etc down and use the other to ping it but we are both home

totally up to you if your happy to do this

Seasonal43285Lights · 14/01/2023 22:27

Why ?

Just because you can with technology, doesn't mean that you should

HRTQueen · 14/01/2023 22:34

We haven’t consented to everything and I doubt we still are

there are constant issues in keeping data protected only recently NHS data hence why many are concerned about data monitoring

bluetongue · 15/01/2023 02:06

This reminds me of that Black Mirror episode where the mother installs a device in her child so she can see everything her daughter sees and also sensor anything ‘inappropriate’ she can see. Shudder.

ElonsMusky · 15/01/2023 02:20

If you're both ok with it and neither feels pressured then it's fine, but I find it bizarre.

Original poster
Algor1thm · 15/01/2023 07:09

bluetongue · 15/01/2023 02:06

This reminds me of that Black Mirror episode where the mother installs a device in her child so she can see everything her daughter sees and also sensor anything ‘inappropriate’ she can see. Shudder.

Yes, it's exactly the same as that 🙄🙄

OP posts:
Ginmonkeyagain · 15/01/2023 08:26

On using things like Alexa and Ring - I don't.

Ring becuase there is no point - i live in a flat with video entry phones, If I am not at home then I don't see any point in onowing someone is ringing my entryphone - what can I do about it. 🤷‍♀️

Again with Alexa and similar devices - I don't have one because it has not use or value to me. I am able bodied and live in a fairly small flat. I am capable of using devices without talking to them.

Remidns me of a colleague whonshowed me an app she uses to switch on het house lights on remotely so " she doesn't have to walk in to a dark house". I pointed out that most houses have a light switch right by the front door to avoid that situation.

It tend not to be a privacy nut bit I work woth tech security specialists who are very very wary of things like Ring and Alexa.

SlaveToTheVibe · 15/01/2023 08:33

It’s. A bit claustrophobic really innit

Beezknees · 15/01/2023 08:44

Whatever works for you and your relationship is your business only.

Personally, I'd never do it as I've been in a controlling relationship before and I absolutely hate the idea of someone being able to check where I am whenever they want. I don't really think sending a "going to be late" message is that inconvenient, it takes 5 seconds.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 15/01/2023 09:14

Sandy, I'm definitely not old, just worried about setting a narrative that it's okay to be able to track each other 24/7 and that's healthy. On another thread, a mother said her daughter constantly tracked her and would call and demand to know why she was in a certain place apparently chatting with a friend. That's bizarre and was just accepted as a quirk of her teenager.

If it works for families or relationships then that's great but just because some people like their personal freedom, autonomy and privacy, it doesn't mean they are wrong to question how normalised the monitoring and constant reassurance people need is.

Just because we have the technology to do something, it doesn't always mean that we should use it.

Ginmonkeyagain · 15/01/2023 09:52

Completely agree. My partner and I are going separate yhings today. He is off on a long run with a running group, which I know vaguely will be around central and SW London. I am getting my hair cut and doing some food shopping, which will be local. We have not told each other more than than because neither of us needs to know.

I will message him about 1pm to ask if he wants lunch if I am making some. That is it.

PrincessConstance · 15/01/2023 10:04

Those that have these apps are doing so willingly. Hardly controlling or problematic.

MRSDoos · 15/01/2023 10:12

It’s not something that I’d do with my DH. I haven’t got anything to hide… apart from the fact I secretly go to Costa quite a lot during my lunch breaks 😂.

I do know a couple that do this and you can tell it’s not done with any “controlling” intentions. If it works for you both and there’s no funny intentions then I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Lostinalibrary · 15/01/2023 10:21

I don’t think it’s weird. We have Apple plus or whatever. It’s about £30 a month and everyone gets lots of private storage, we share purchases, insurance and all the other stuff. We are in a family group and by proxy we are all linked of find my iPhone. You can switch it off, we just never have. It’s not used for stalking. The amount of times I’ve heard “can you ping my phone.” All the devices are mainly top end models and turning the tracking off invalidates AppleCare.

sammylady37 · 15/01/2023 10:31

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat

I'm definitely not old, just worried about setting a narrative that it's okay to be able to track each other 24/7 and that's healthy. On another thread, a mother said her daughter constantly tracked her and would call and demand to know why she was in a certain place apparently chatting with a friend. That's bizarre and was just accepted as a quirk of her teenager

Not only was it accepted as merely a quirk, the poster actually described it as ‘harmless’ and seemed to think it was somewhat amusing, instead of being horrified that her daughter deemed it appropriate to berate her mother for deviating from her planned route (ie nipping into a shop) and for spending too long (in the daughter’s opinion) chatting to a friend. What lesson is that teaching the daughter??

VioletaDelValle · 15/01/2023 10:35

bluetongue · 15/01/2023 02:06

This reminds me of that Black Mirror episode where the mother installs a device in her child so she can see everything her daughter sees and also sensor anything ‘inappropriate’ she can see. Shudder.

Yeah it's just like that.

I sit and watch my DH constantly- I don't work, eat of sleep in case I miss something.

Oh wait, no I don't. It's just there for very boring and practical reasons like reassurance when we go out running alone in isolated places or when I travel abroad on my own. Occasionally we use it to judge our ETA if we're doing a childcare hand over.

Ginmonkeyagain · 15/01/2023 10:40

Why on earth would you need to be tracked if you travel abroad in your own? I've been going abroad alone for 20 years and it has never occured to me that someone would need to track me. I used to often go from London to Brussels for the day for meetings - why on earth would anyone need to track me?

I leave a note with my plane/train times and hotel and just message my partner when I arrive.

Modern tech can be useful but we have to be wary of it infantalising us/driving anxiety.

PinkiOcelot · 15/01/2023 10:46

I don’t have DHs location but do have dds. I don’t use it to check up on them, why would I? I use it to see if they’ve reached their destination when they’re going out in their cars or if they’re on their way home from a night out etc. I don’t think there’s anything controlling about that tbh. They also have my location. DH does not.

VioletaDelValle · 15/01/2023 10:56

It's funny how people make assumptions about this being about trust when the vast majority of us using this technology haven't mentioned trust at all!

If you have trust issues then i'd suggest using this technology isn't a good idea.

It's never been about trust for us. It's practical- yes you can use phone calls and texts (which we still do) but we also use location sharing and that's fine!

VioletaDelValle · 15/01/2023 11:04

Ginmonkeyagain · 15/01/2023 10:40

Why on earth would you need to be tracked if you travel abroad in your own? I've been going abroad alone for 20 years and it has never occured to me that someone would need to track me. I used to often go from London to Brussels for the day for meetings - why on earth would anyone need to track me?

I leave a note with my plane/train times and hotel and just message my partner when I arrive.

Modern tech can be useful but we have to be wary of it infantalising us/driving anxiety.

Because it works for us.
I travel to places like India, Bangladesh, China, Vietnam and I'm often travelling completely on my own so we find it reassuring.

I'm not forcing anyone to use it, we have just decided that we'd like to as I travel to such remote locations.

Also, DS really likes seeing where I am when I'm away. He likes seeing a dot with my face on it and then looking at what's nearby.

humpty74 · 15/01/2023 12:05

Tbh I think it's very revealing about relationships.

We trust each other and find location information incredibly uninteresting and occasionally practical. Other people seem to think they or their partner would spend all their time monitoring movements which is indeed creepy. We both have far more interesting things to do with our time.

If I can't get hold of my partner and need to urgently, i can see vaguely where he is and get hold of him, there's patchy phone signal in a lot of the buildings where he works. Or if I know he's going to the supermarket I can see if he's already on his way home so don't bother calling to ask him to get an extra item, I hate having to put bags down and answer my phone when I'm walking home with shopping. All very dull practical uses that work well for us.