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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have DH's location visible at all times?

582 replies

Algor1thm · 14/01/2023 07:44

This should really be AWBU because it's the same for both of us. We've had location sharing on between us 24/7 for a couple of years now. I can always see where DH is and vice versa. It's hugely helpful and we turned it on for very practical reasons. No more messaging each other where are you, having to explain that we're stuck in traffic, worrying about each other if we're running late etc. It's certainly not to 'check up on each other', there has never been a hint of suspicion of infidelity in the relationship and we both trust each other fully. Days go by without me checking his location, but it's very handy to have there when we need it.

We're both happy with the arrangement, but I said to a friend the other day that I'd just quickly check whether DH was home yet and looked at my phone, and she reacted like what I was doing was really awful. She was gobsmacked and sort of acted like it was a controlling/abusive thing (despite it being both ways). I've mentioned it to several friends since and I've had very mixed reactions. Some couples do the same, some thought it was very odd.

AWBU? Is this a weird invasion of each other's privacy?

OP posts:
WaddleAway · 14/01/2023 18:39

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 14/01/2023 18:32

Waddle, why couldn't you have waited until he called you back? What was looking at his location going to do? It's the constant need for reassurance I find bizarre.

Well of the three times I’ve used the facility, twice he was stuck behind an accident on the motorway (once for 5 hours) and couldn’t ring me back as, well, it’s illegal to phone people while driving. Once he was unconscious in hospital. I absolutely could have waited for him to ring me back, but it would have caused unnecessary worry. And of course if he didn’t want me to track him he could have disabled the facility on his phone, but he didn’t because it’s not an issue for him.

ArcticSkewer · 14/01/2023 18:41

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 14/01/2023 16:47

I posted on another thread about tracking a few days ago and my view is that I would hate to be monitored like this by anyone, be that a partner, my children, my parents - it's a hard no from me.

I also don't think it's healthy to enable this behaviour and show our children that it's okay to track and monitor other people's movements 24/7. Having said that, if it works for you, fine - I just hate how normalised it has become.

Unfortunately many teens are highly controlling and their relationships are a bit messed up. I've lost count of the number of teen relationships I've heard about, even my own son's girlfriend, where they track them then phone up demanding to know what they are doing.

Very poor relationship modelling.

Luckily my son, for example, wasn't accustomed to being controlled that way Scary how these young people think it's normal

C1N1C · 14/01/2023 18:41

We used to share location and we were both fine with it... but the wife would switch it off out of spite when we argued so no more. I'm not having it used as a weapon against me.

Pandor · 14/01/2023 18:47

Every time I choose to get undressed in front of my partner rather than disappear off to the bathroom I’m “giving up my privacy”. I have no problem with that because I treat them differently to the rest of the world - it doesn’t feel like I’m giving up my privacy in those circumstances because it is what we both do, we don’t think twice about it.

That is very intimate, private behaviour that feels like second nature to us. Allowing each other to know if we are at home, the office, in Tescos or somewhere in between feels so far down the scale of private behaviour that it just doesn’t register - and if we really don’t want the other to know where we are we press a button and switch it off!!

It really doesn’t feel anywhere near as significant as the other bits of life we share with each other after 14 years of marriage.

Nicecow · 14/01/2023 18:48

I think it's a bit weird you need to know exactly where someone is, who cares if he's stuck in traffic. But if it works for you both, then who cares what anyone else thinks

WaddleAway · 14/01/2023 18:51

Nicecow · 14/01/2023 18:48

I think it's a bit weird you need to know exactly where someone is, who cares if he's stuck in traffic. But if it works for you both, then who cares what anyone else thinks

Yeah I’d definitely care if my husband was 5 hours late from from work and uncharacteristically hadn’t told me where he was going, but as I could check his location on my phone I knew he was stuck in traffic.
If he didn’t want to share his location that would be fine, and he wouldn’t be bothered if I chose not to share mine, but in certain rare circumstances it has come in handy.

HelterSkelter224 · 14/01/2023 18:52

I mean if it works for you both it's no-one's business. I don't think I'd like it but I see how it would be useful.

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 19:09

That's the main reason we have it.

And us. My husband probably uses every other day to find his phone or iPad. In the house or wherever he has left them at work etc.

Pixiedust49 · 14/01/2023 19:48

I haven’t RTFT so this may have already been mentioned. I’m a secondary school teacher and privacy amongst teens is a thing of the past. They all know where each other are all the time. Snapmaps, Be Real…. Puts Life360 with your family in the shade really.

ArcticSkewer · 14/01/2023 19:57

Pixiedust49 · 14/01/2023 19:48

I haven’t RTFT so this may have already been mentioned. I’m a secondary school teacher and privacy amongst teens is a thing of the past. They all know where each other are all the time. Snapmaps, Be Real…. Puts Life360 with your family in the shade really.

That's not actually the case, although it may seem like it.
My kids deactivate that function, they are not alone in that, and some parents make their children deactivate it.

IThinkTheresBeenAGlitch · 14/01/2023 20:00

We all have 'find my' on our phones here. Dh, me, dd 16 and dd 13. It's no big deal for us but I know some people on here think it's the worst. It works for us.

Pixiedust49 · 14/01/2023 20:08

@ArcticSkewer you are completely right to do so. But many, many parents don’t enforce it. And most children (in our school anyway) have it activated.

humpty74 · 14/01/2023 20:17

I'm curious how many of the people horrified at the thought of sharing location with their partner do however use the Facebook apps, have random internet of things devices connected to their home WiFi, use iPads that are out of support, use Alexa or similar and love their ring doorbells... But obviously having someone you live with able to see you've popped into Asda is a huge privacy concern 😂

We share location for convenience, neither of us finds the information particularly interesting but it's occasionally useful and is more convenient for us than having to text or call. We do text if plans change, it's more for unexpected delays. We sometimes use it to put the kettle on or have food ready at an appropriate time when the other is coming home late because we like each other... Not sure how that's such a big deal.

This thread has had the effect of making me appreciate my relationship. If I was that concerned about my partner knowing my movements I'd be doing some serious thinking about why I cared so much about it being kept secret from him...

SandyLanez · 14/01/2023 20:17

Elodie09 · 14/01/2023 17:41

Not for me at all. So weird how normalised this has become.
We seem to be handing over more and more personal freedoms with every passing year , and much of it without any questioning at all .

Just my opinion though .

People aren’t being forced to do this though. Most people actively like the tracking abilities on their phones.

Not everyone is paranoid

JonSnowsCupbearer · 14/01/2023 20:31

@WaddleAway If I was in a 5 hour traffic jam, I would definitely not be worrying about using my phone to ring home. You could even get out of the car to do it if you were that worried about breaking the law...

Abcdefgh1234 · 14/01/2023 20:36

whats the apps name? I want to download it too

1stTimeMama · 14/01/2023 20:41

We do, but he works abroad in a risky place so he set it up for me so I had peace of mind. I don't care that he can see where I am, I don't understand why anyone would be really.

1stTimeMama · 14/01/2023 20:42

I meant to add, unless of course there's control issues or other abuse going on.

Thesonglastslonger · 14/01/2023 20:57

I asked DH to put tracking on my mobile as I lose my phone so much and its way better than explaining where I am when we meet up.

I have no secrets 🤷‍♀️

HRTQueen · 14/01/2023 21:02

I think can easily be used to control a partner and sadly many wouldn’t recognise this as being controlled

cant see why it is necessary

I don’t have it for ds either I expect him to be honest but being a teenager he may at times not want me to know his every movement

HRTQueen · 14/01/2023 21:05

SandyLanez · 14/01/2023 20:17

People aren’t being forced to do this though. Most people actively like the tracking abilities on their phones.

Not everyone is paranoid

Show quote history

It’s not about being paranoid

How we live our live our lives is constantly being monitored through technology this is then used for marketing/political manipulation/sales

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 21:09

Abcdefgh1234 · 14/01/2023 20:36

whats the apps name? I want to download it too

Life 360. Free for the basic app. Sucks the life out of the battery though as it's scanning all the time. iPhone copes though

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 21:17

If you have an iPhone just use Find my Phone.

SandyLanez · 14/01/2023 21:26

HRTQueen · 14/01/2023 21:05

It’s not about being paranoid

How we live our live our lives is constantly being monitored through technology this is then used for marketing/political manipulation/sales

Show quote history

Many like more targeted marketing messages, and that’s not what this thread it about either.

Times are changing, the old need to adapt

Elodie09 · 14/01/2023 21:38

@sandylanez "Many like more targeted marketing messages?"
Oh well, you do you .