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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have DH's location visible at all times?

582 replies

Algor1thm · 14/01/2023 07:44

This should really be AWBU because it's the same for both of us. We've had location sharing on between us 24/7 for a couple of years now. I can always see where DH is and vice versa. It's hugely helpful and we turned it on for very practical reasons. No more messaging each other where are you, having to explain that we're stuck in traffic, worrying about each other if we're running late etc. It's certainly not to 'check up on each other', there has never been a hint of suspicion of infidelity in the relationship and we both trust each other fully. Days go by without me checking his location, but it's very handy to have there when we need it.

We're both happy with the arrangement, but I said to a friend the other day that I'd just quickly check whether DH was home yet and looked at my phone, and she reacted like what I was doing was really awful. She was gobsmacked and sort of acted like it was a controlling/abusive thing (despite it being both ways). I've mentioned it to several friends since and I've had very mixed reactions. Some couples do the same, some thought it was very odd.

AWBU? Is this a weird invasion of each other's privacy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Algor1thm · 14/01/2023 08:00

KatyN · 14/01/2023 07:58

We share locations. I get the same reaction if horror quite a lot.

I think it's genius.

Haha me too - when DH suggested it I was like brilliant, this solves so many problems!

OP posts:
Tsiagisel · 14/01/2023 08:00

Not weird for us either. Know what time to start tea, know when the other has set off home with the kids from a trip out to get their stuff ready etc. Useful tool to us.

my parents have my location too so they can see when we’ve got safely home from the long journey back from theirs.

Theunamedcat · 14/01/2023 08:01

Saves texting constantly "are you at home?" "Are you on your way?"

LadyHarmby · 14/01/2023 08:02

It is dysfunctional to need to know where another person is at any one time, and equally so to acquiesce to it

No, it’s not. It’s practical.

I agree it’s would be dysfunctional if someone was checking all the time for negative reasons - nosiness, distrust, anxiety etc.

Quincythequince · 14/01/2023 08:02

The need to know here someone is at all times is weird.

A quick call or text maybe??

And if you can’t call or text, the location services won’t work either.

I asked my eldest to turn his on when he’s occasionally out of an evening as a safety precaution. He doesn’t mind!

Quincythequince · 14/01/2023 08:04

LadyHarmby · 14/01/2023 08:02

It is dysfunctional to need to know where another person is at any one time, and equally so to acquiesce to it

No, it’s not. It’s practical.

I agree it’s would be dysfunctional if someone was checking all the time for negative reasons - nosiness, distrust, anxiety etc.

Why is it practical?

Why?

Why does someone need to know the exact location of most other people (there are exceptions of course) at any one time, all the time. It’s weird.

WaddleAway · 14/01/2023 08:04

DH and I have it switched on, I reckon I’ve checked where he is 3 times in the past 5 years, and that’s only been because I can’t get hold of him for some reason. So it’s not like I ‘constantly’ know where he is, or am ‘constantly’ tracking him, as I rarely look at it.
Not sure how often he’s checked where I am but as I’m generally at home with our disabled child I doubt it’s a feature he needs to use much 😏.

WandaWonder · 14/01/2023 08:04

I am one of the most boring people on the planet (just a fact) but I don't want to feel I am microchipped

I don't follow my child or husband or anyone else I find the idea really weird, we tell each other where we are going in a normal way and that is it

RedHelenB · 14/01/2023 08:04

The big question is, if when you went to look at it after a few days and you found it switched off what would you think?
Humans need privacy, that includes children.I think yabu.

Gwdihooooo · 14/01/2023 08:05

We use life 360. I set it up when my ds started high school, but now my dh, mum, sis, bro and nephew are in it…. They’re set up in to different bubbles.

It’s really handy as my mum lives 4hrs away so when we visit we can see how far away each other is.

Sa family were really active and say if we go mountain biking my dh and ds may go one way, whilst me and dd go another due to ability. But when we get back to the carpark we can see how long the others are going to be

Quincythequince · 14/01/2023 08:06

Theunamedcat · 14/01/2023 08:01

Saves texting constantly "are you at home?" "Are you on your way?"

Why would you constantly need to do this. Unless someone is always late, or regularly goes AWOL.

I don’t get this.

I make assumptions about when people wil be in, the way families always have.

If something was amiss, I would pick up the phone quickly and ask.

CraneBoysMysteries · 14/01/2023 08:08

We do this too and it works for us both. We never text 'why are you at...?' Etc But purely practical.

Yesterday DH was due to pick the kids up from nursery. I checked to see if he left work at 5, he hadn't. I'm a little closer so decided to get them and let him know. He'd got stuck it a work meeting and wouldn't have been able to text me but I could see he wouldn't make it on time so got them myself. No hassle, no arguments, just simple

We also have alerts for one another when we're within 0.5 miles of home it pings the other person. They'll stick the kettle on and be at the door to help unload kids and bags etc.

Works for us!

misskatamari · 14/01/2023 08:08

I think it very much depends on the couple and the intention behind using it, and how it’s used. We have it on. Have done for years now. We don’t even think about it and hardly use it, I might check it once a month, if that, to see where dh is up to on some sort of outing, if he’s longer than I was expecting type thing. No idea if he checks mine, probably not either expect. We don’t have any trust issues, we aren’t controlling, this is a complete non-event in our relationship. Just how it sounds in yours. Yanbu at ALL. If you two are happy with this and it’s not having a detrimental effect on your relationship it doesn’t matter what other people do and I’m sorry your friend made you feel bad.

your friends response is a reflection on her and completely separate from your relationship and actions. For her, and relationships she’s experienced, and action like this feels off. That’s fine. She doesn’t have to like it, or use this feature if she doesn’t want to. And yes it could be used in an unhealthy controlling way. But because something can be doesn’t mean it is. So please ignore anyone making you feel bad about this. Everyone is different, everyone has their own feelings about stuff like this, based on their own experiences, which are valid for THEM. As long as the two people in the relationship are happy and not abusing this feature and the others trust, it’s fine imo

BarrelOfOtters · 14/01/2023 08:08

I wouldn’t do that as I know I’m horribly nosey and would want to check it just out of nosiness. And dh would never look at mine as he doesn’t care, he would ring me if he needed me.

AllotmentTime · 14/01/2023 08:09

It’s only “constant tracking” “being monitored at all times” etc if someone is actually looking at it at all times. 99% of the time, I have better things to do than peer at whether DH has moved.

If it gets looked at once in a while to see if a spouse has set off yet / is stuck in traffic / will be home in time for dinner, and if it’s never even occurred to that spouse to lie about where they’re going, I don’t see the problem.

DH already knows where I am because why would I lie? And vice versa. So if he’s said “right I’m off to tennis”, and then a few hours later I’m wondering whether he’s on the way home or not, what’s the difference between that and texting him?

It has also saved me a lot of arguments with my DM because she worries and likes to know if I’ve got home safely. She can now check if the 5 hour drive we regularly do has gone smoothly or not, without pissing me off wanting constant updates.

I don’t get why it’s seen as so intrusive. Those of you who find it so, don’t your other halves already know what you’re doing?

BarrelOfOtters · 14/01/2023 08:10

Have a friend whose husband works overseas in occasionally dodgy places and she uses it a lot which just fuels her anxiety. He’d rather she turned it off as she just keeps sending him FCO updates that he’s well aware of and usually don’t apply. But she’s too anxious to turn it off…

misskatamari · 14/01/2023 08:10

we mainly use ours to ping our phones and find them in the house when we (I) have put mine down somewhere and can’t find it. It’s all just linked in apple so we can find all our family devices. We hardly use it to actually check where anyone is

Soapnotshowergel · 14/01/2023 08:11

I can see an advantage if you're out cycling or on a long run/walk but day to day? It's not for me.

WaddleAway · 14/01/2023 08:11

I should also add that one of the reasons I like it switched on is because a very close family member a few years ago and was unable to get help. He was missing for 12 hours, and by the time he was found he was dead. So I always have that scenario in mind, sadly.

PonkyPonky · 14/01/2023 08:13

We do this. It’s unbelievably helpful to know if DH is going to be home in time for tea or if I should start cooking a bit later. It’s also helpful when picking the older kids up from school as I can check they’re safely on their way to pick up point and haven’t forgotten and gone somewhere else. We don’t use it to monitor each other at all. It’s also nice to know that if we lost one of our phone’s then we’d be able to track it down. If either party is not keen though then it’s not a good idea.

SeeYouInHull · 14/01/2023 08:13

Whatever works for you both is fine. I share my location with all my family (useful for pick ups after sport etc), DH doesn’t share his with anyone. DS turned his off when he reached 16. DD turned hers off then turned it back on again because she missed the convenience.

WandaWonder · 14/01/2023 08:15

AllotmentTime · 14/01/2023 08:09

It’s only “constant tracking” “being monitored at all times” etc if someone is actually looking at it at all times. 99% of the time, I have better things to do than peer at whether DH has moved.

If it gets looked at once in a while to see if a spouse has set off yet / is stuck in traffic / will be home in time for dinner, and if it’s never even occurred to that spouse to lie about where they’re going, I don’t see the problem.

DH already knows where I am because why would I lie? And vice versa. So if he’s said “right I’m off to tennis”, and then a few hours later I’m wondering whether he’s on the way home or not, what’s the difference between that and texting him?

It has also saved me a lot of arguments with my DM because she worries and likes to know if I’ve got home safely. She can now check if the 5 hour drive we regularly do has gone smoothly or not, without pissing me off wanting constant updates.

I don’t get why it’s seen as so intrusive. Those of you who find it so, don’t your other halves already know what you’re doing?

We just text each other or talk in the morning or whatever

So there is no point in tracking so we don't as we know where we are there is no need

If I needed it for anxiety as mentioned in another post I would address the anxiety not rely on the tracking

Choconut · 14/01/2023 08:16

I think it's because you have such a good relationship that this works for you.

I find that people on MN (and from your experience in RL too it seems) often seem to have a problem with openness and transparency, they don't want their OH asking anything about their past, not even something as innocent as their first kiss, they don't want locations turned on because it must mean they're being checked up on, they don't want their OH using their phone or knowing their password and they definitely don't want their DH opening their mail (and they would not dream of opening their DH's as it would be a gross invasion of privacy even if he was absolutely fine with it).

Original poster
Algor1thm · 14/01/2023 08:16

RedHelenB · 14/01/2023 08:04

The big question is, if when you went to look at it after a few days and you found it switched off what would you think?
Humans need privacy, that includes children.I think yabu.

Not much. We've both found that sometimes it automatically switches itself off for some reason - I think you have to regive your consent every so often - and it'll take a while for us to notice and switch it back on. No biggie. Of course my husband could be lying when that happened but I'd have no way of knowing and my brain has never gone there tbh 🤷🏼‍♀️ I trust him.

OP posts:
Leafsontheline · 14/01/2023 08:17

I find it very odd, and would never agree to it, or ask my partner to agree to it. Why do I need to know where he is every time we are apart? What am I going to do with that information? If he said he was going to x and I see he is at y.. so what? He changed his plans..
if he questioned me on my whereabouts that I said I was going here but change my mind and went somewhere else., who cares?
the excuse that you know when to put the tea on is bizarre.. are people expecting to be served a plate of food or a hot cup the minute they walk through the door? Surely majority of people are home at around the same time each day, or you know roughly where someone is and can time things accordingly? If it’s a few minutes out then so be it.

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