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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am AIBU, but whenever child-free ppl complain about being tired I get annoyed, barring medical/health issues

381 replies

worldenoughandtime · 13/01/2023 18:07

This is just a secret confession here, in the anonymity of the internet, and I hope I have enough social skills to disguise my true feelings. Which is of extreme annoyance when child-free people complain about being tired (given there are no aggravating health concerns). (In my social circle at least, people complain about being tired and busy all the time).

The tiredness that comes with managing kids - especially more than one, and especially for lone/single parents of which there seems to be more and more- is just on a different level. Needed to get that off my chest.

OP posts:
Orangetapemeasure · 13/01/2023 22:01

@Whatwhatwhatnow . I have DC and I’m an A&E dr. I go to work for a rest.

crayola34 · 13/01/2023 22:06

yorkshirepuddingandjam · 13/01/2023 21:37

Surprised with all the anger towards OP. I actually agree with you OP. The difference with having children vs not having children, is that if you are equally as tired as each other, at some point if you are childfree, you will be able to catch up on sleep or just simply rest. If you have young children it's non-stop 24/7 so there's never any time to recharge. That's why.

But even if you are more tired, why does it matter? Do you want to silence your friend from sharing a feeling just because you also have it ?
They aren't saying "I'm more tired than you". They are just saying "I'm tired"; Its not about you....my guess is that this is the difficult part for OP and those who agree with her.

yorkshirepuddingandjam · 13/01/2023 22:12

Orangetapemeasure · 13/01/2023 22:01

@Whatwhatwhatnow . I have DC and I’m an A&E dr. I go to work for a rest.

Totally agree. I also work ins very demanding and stressful job and going to work is the only 'down time' I have!

tinytemper66 · 13/01/2023 22:12

Shitzngiggles · 13/01/2023 18:40

I've got 2 grown up children so not actually caring for children anymore. I'm far more tired now than I ever was when they were young.

Absolutely

Mariposista · 13/01/2023 22:18

maddiemookins16mum · 13/01/2023 22:00

Oh rubbish. Try having an elderly parent (or two), that’ll give you a whole new idea of exhaustion.

Totally agree. My poor mum is ten times more exhausted now caring for my 91 yo gran than when she was bringing me up on her own. I fear for her health, even that something could happen to her before gran passes away. She has zero help. I fly home (I live overseas) to help when I can, while her brothers do next to nothing.
Yeah but of course having a child can’t compare 🙄

ConfusedNT · 13/01/2023 22:20

yorkshirepuddingandjam · 13/01/2023 21:37

Surprised with all the anger towards OP. I actually agree with you OP. The difference with having children vs not having children, is that if you are equally as tired as each other, at some point if you are childfree, you will be able to catch up on sleep or just simply rest. If you have young children it's non-stop 24/7 so there's never any time to recharge. That's why.

Because she's not just saying she thinks parents get the most tired, she's complaining of the 'extreme annoyance' that she feels if anyone dares say they feel tired in front of her, and that she only feels less annoyed (but still a bit annoyed) if they have chosen to disclose a medical condition to her before hand.

It's the fact that she thinks if you don't have children you shouldn't ever be able to say you are tired if she is around, just because she happens to be a parent.

I have really bad insomnia, if someone complains they didn't get to sleep until 2am, I don't get extremely annoyed because I didn't sleep until 4am, I sympathise with them because not sleeping is rubbish.

I have trigeminal neuralgia which is horrifically painful. If someone complains of a headache I don't feel extremely annoyed, I sympathise with them

Its not normal to feel extremely annoyed with people for mentioning how they feel. Its not like the OP is claiming the childless people are saying they are more tired than her. Their only crime is to say they are tired. Does that really warrant extreme annoyance?

Lookingforbargains · 13/01/2023 22:21

I don’t think you’re unreasonable OP. All other things being equal (so, obviously, excluding chronic insomnia etc) most people find that once they have children, they experience new levels of tiredness that they didn’t think possible before! Everyone knows that.

But the comparison you’re alluding to here is between you, as an individual who didn’t have kids, and the new you that does have kids. But you don’t actually know how tired you’ll feel if, say, you’re older and caring for ill parents - because you haven’t got there yet. You may well find that more tiring again. You can only compare within a relatively narrow framework.

I know that when I first started my career as a teacher, I was more tired than I’d ever been. But it wasn’t a patch on how tired I then became when I had babies; it’s that panicked tiredness when you know that, even if you’ve tried everything and you’re absolutely out of ideas, you still have to continue. It’s always being on high alert. As I say, there may be other situations that people find themselves in that are similarly exhausting- I haven’t been there yet.

DarkShade · 13/01/2023 22:22

I was way more tired pre-DC when I worked 3 people facing jobs and studied than now with my DC and one WFH job. It's just a ridiculous thing to say. Someone who works round the clock in a difficult job will easily be as tired, if not more tired, than a stay at home parent with 2 kids who sleep well.

If you were going to say parent newborns, then I would be more inclined to agree. Walking up every two hours to spend 45 minutes giving away your own body's nutrients, an hour of walking around, maybe half hour sleep and go again is like nothing else I've ever experienced. Out of body experience levels of tiredness.

longtompot · 13/01/2023 22:23

My dd has chronic pain and she says she gets irrationally angry when people say they are in pain. But, she then rationalises things and tells herself just because she can deal with the amount of pain she is in 24/7 doesn't mean other people are the same. She has taken many years to build up coping mechanisms to deal with it which when people have short term haven't.
I guess it's the same with tiredness. Some people can cope with it, others can't. Being or not being a parent is neither here nor there

strumpert · 13/01/2023 22:33

What makes you think you're entitled to know about my health issues when I say that I'm tired?

reddwarfgeek · 13/01/2023 22:34

I get it, OP. It's a stupid/brave thing to say on here and I wouldn't advise you to voice this IRL.

But I must say I have never been more tired than when DD was a baby and young toddler. It absolutely floored me.
When l had (it felt sleep deprivation related) postpartum psychosis and barely slept in weeks I was mightly pissed with my childfree friends who said they were tired as they'd only got 7 hours of sleep last night or something rather than the usual 9 🙈
It's all frames of reference though isn't it. I probably said it to people when I was childfree and annoyed them!

People can be tired for many different reasons, we do not know what is going on behind closed doors. Definitely not a competition. I know it's hard when your kid(s) don't sleep, I feel that's where you are coming from. Some people have children who do not sleep well. It's hard, very hard when you have no downtime and no chance to sleep. All phases will pass.

fUNNYfACE36 · 13/01/2023 22:36

My 4 kids have grown up but I'm more tired now then I've ever been

stevalnamechanger · 13/01/2023 23:30

Sirzy · 13/01/2023 18:09

I am a mum of a disabled 13 year old so using your logic I should say that parents of children without disabilities shouldn’t complain they are tired?

everyone has their own circumstances, their own problems and their own tolerance for tiredness. It’s not a race to the bottom.

🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Linlaw · 13/01/2023 23:43

I agree. I have a child and I’m really tired. He’s 25 and left home, but still!

tulippa · 13/01/2023 23:55

I have two DCs. They are teens now so sleep a lot 🙂 but DS didn't sleep through until he was three. That was tiring.

The most tired I have ever been was pre DC when I was about 22 working two jobs from 8am to 11pm every day to keep myself afloat. I would nod off in the middle of card games and wondered if it was possible to die of tiredness because I was so exhausted.

Brrhitscold · 13/01/2023 23:58

worldenoughandtime · 13/01/2023 18:25

I specified that I am not counting health concerns. So if you have a thyroid condition or insomnia (my sympathies, I have it too and it's horrible) or autism which exacerbates your fatigue, I will not get as (internally) annoyed when hearing your complaints of tiredness.

And obviously you sleep better when your condition has proper medication.
@Lividity bracketing health concerns, are you actually less tired, even though you get less sleep as a mom to a non-sleeping toddler, than you were before you were a parent? That is amazing, and I'm glad you found the right medication!!

So you are ignoring those who have caring responsibilities and perhaps work on top of that ? Or do long hours working in A&E? Or any other examples people have given ?

Bit you do accept health issues, how generous .

Mammyloveswine · 14/01/2023 00:03

Confusedteacher · 13/01/2023 18:15

I dunno OP, there’s no tired like teacher tired… <runs away…>

Teacher, mother of two, one child autistic and husband has left me... so I win as most tired?!

ConfusedNT · 14/01/2023 00:08

Brrhitscold · 13/01/2023 23:58

So you are ignoring those who have caring responsibilities and perhaps work on top of that ? Or do long hours working in A&E? Or any other examples people have given ?

Bit you do accept health issues, how generous .

Show quote history

Oh but she doesn't fully accept health issues, she just doesn't get as annoyed, implying there is still some annoyance there

Phrenologistsfinger · 14/01/2023 00:34

Well, you’re clearly pretty poorly informed then.

RobertaFirmino · 14/01/2023 00:36

I am childfree and have rheumatoid arthritis. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for validating my fatigue. Obviously I will never be as worthy as you, having never grown a human, and the next time I am exhausted by 11am I shall remind myself of all the selfless mothers of the world and berate (perhaps even flagellate) myself for daring to think, even for one moment, that the exhaustion caused by my body attacking itself is in any way comparable to the tiredness involved with the ardour of childrearing.
I would also like to say how truly grateful I am for your altruistic contribution to society and I await (with bated breath) the day your progeny discovers the cure for this minor affliction of mine.

BringerOfDoom · 14/01/2023 00:51

I'm a mother and I think this attitude is rather petty. You need to get over it. People come from ask walks of life. Child free people do get tired and they shouldn't have to censor themselves to please you. Is it some sort of contest? Whose the most tired? I'm sorry but I can't stand people who think like this.

whumpthereitis · 14/01/2023 01:43

even if it is true, and in my case it probably is (hell, I actively don’t want to be responsible for children and give up my ability to sleep in), why does it matter? You’re more tired, so…? It seems a pretty miserable competition to win, so congratulations I guess.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/01/2023 02:06

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain fortunately yes I do. I Have MS. So doubly entitled!!

Confusion101 · 14/01/2023 03:30

I absolutely despise the attitude that child free people shouldn't complain about being tired. There will always be someone worse off than you. Always! So if that's the attitude nobody can ever complain about anything. You can only deal with the hand you have been dealt.

gannett · 14/01/2023 06:29

I'm child-free and very tired right now. Not because of any noble reasons like caring for elderly relatives or anything, I'm just jetlagged from a lovely holiday and also hungover from an impromptu pub visit. Really couldn't care less whether parents get annoyed by that.

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