To have cried over DS behaviour?

[BargainBlunt]

DS is 3.5.

Nursery have called in the local authority to provide advice/support on DS. They aren't saying much more, just that there are concerns. I have spoken to GP who is v. dismissive, I completed forms but have since been told by HV I was given out of date forms by GP so now have to wait for them to have rejected and then can 'do other forms but little chance of being seen for 2 years or so", HV tells me not to bother as "it's not autism but anxiety" due to 'trauma' (she thinks covid plus moving house means trauma is causing the behavioural issues). Family and DH tell me there is nothing going on...just need to be firmer, DS takes the piss out of me cos he can etc.

Anyway, just tried to take DS for a haircut. A special kids place with cars. Spent all week talking about it, showing him videos, reading books. He was excited about going this morning. I even booked a double appointment to allow for all the tears and refusal.

DS tried to wreck the place. He licked the walls. He tried to lick the receptionist's face in a kind of mania. He climbed on top of strangers. He ran out into the street and road numerous times. He lay down in the street. Wouldn't let me near him. The hairdresser tried to corner him at one point and he screamed like a wild animal. We gave up after 40 mins. He then tried to run into random houses on the way home. Hid in a bush.

I cried in the car and called DH. DH told me I was making it all a bigger deal than it needed to be

"Stop over thinking everything"

I honestly feel like I'm gaslit. We keep having episodes like that and DH, GP, MiL, HV keep telling me it's just 'some kids'. Nursery staff seem to think something going on for DS too but everyone close to me thinks I'm being dramatic.

DH said me crying was making it all worse.

DS apologised in the car. Said he was scared. Kept saying "hair cup ouchy" and "sorry mummy". Which did make me feel awful. Should I not let him see me upset?

Hairdresser at one point said "poor boy has got his hair all in his eyes. you need to get that sorted mum" while I was trying to pin him down so he wouldn't tear the posters off the wall.

I mean....it's upsetting isn't it? I feel like everyone is saying basically this is normal mum stuff and I'm just not coping.

Am I being OTT? Do I just need to get my shit together? Is parenting a 3 year old boy really just this hard? I am finding it really hard to not tearful and DH is getting frustrated with me.

You poor thing. It sounds incredibly difficult and you’re getting no support at all despite asking for it. My heart goes out to you.

Does DH ever spend time with DS by himself? His lack of support, understanding, empathy must be gutting.

Keep talking to nursery and keep on at anyone you can, you can’t deal with this alone.

I have a similar aged child but no advice at all but to keep making waves.

Have a handhold 💐

I have no experience of this but just wanted to offer a virtual hug. It sounds very difficult.

As an aside, I don’t think it really matters if his hair is in his eyes. Odd comment from the hairdresser.

"Spent all week talking about it, showing him videos, reading books. He was excited about going this morning. I even booked a double appointment to allow for all the tears and refusal."

That sounds really really difficult OP.

Just one small point - was it built up to be a "big deal"? I often find downplaying things helps with my child, even now he is a lot older than 3.5. Ie how about head to wherever oh let's pop in here, okay sit in the chair, just not making it a "thing"? BUT my caveat is that nursery and HV all agree there are underlying issues, it seems from your OP, so could be way off with my suggestion.

That was an unusual sentence for his age. Is the rest of his speech behind or was he regressing during this behaviour?

I would ignore the HV. She doesn’t see the behaviour. Is it a school or private nursery? You need a meeting with with nursery, if it’s a school nursery ask if the senco can attend. Ask them what they think is the next steps.

We keep having episodes like that and DH, GP, MiL, HV keep telling me it's just 'some kids'. Nursery staff seem to think something going on for DS too but everyone close to me thinks I'm being dramatic.

So basically the people actually spending a lot of time with him think there might be a problem, but those who are not, don't?

Tell your husband to take him to get his haircut next time.

What you describe doesn't sound normal. My ds was very difficult at 3yrs old. Everyone said he was fine / I needed to put in place more boundaries etc etc. It made me feel like I was failing and made everything much harder than it needed to be. By 5 he had an autism diagnosis and a EHCP.

@upfucked that is the way he talks. hair cut = "hair cup", he says upstairs for downstairs. "inger ingers" is "fish fingers". Doesn't talk in sentences. He's 4 in 4 months.

Make another appointment and tell your DH to take your DS.

Does he do much 1 on 1 with his son?

He needs a speech and language therapy assessment. Although I hate to say it, if you can afford a private one it will probably be a lot faster.

You are not imagining things OP. It sounds like he may have some sensory issues as well. How is he with hair washes etc?

Hey OP, I have a just 3yo and that does not sound like familiar behaviour to me. Especially the lack of sentences. My DS is 8 months younger than yours but has been talking in long and complicated sentences for a while now. I would push and push for more evaluation. I’m really sorry the GP and HV are not being helpful - I can’t understand why not. Can you talk to nursery in depth, since they are the only ones taking it seriously, and come up with a plan to get him some help? He sounds like he’s a lovely boy who is struggling and needs support. Hugs to you

In practical terms would it help having a hairdresser come to the house, or doing it yourself? My DS finds this much easier.

It does sound like your DH is very unsupportive, does he spend much time with DS alone?

I'm sorry you're going through this and that you're both being let down by services that should be supporting you.

Is there a SENCo lead at the nursery? Maybe it's worth speaking to them?

Your 'D' H is a gaslighting fuck. Please keep pushing for help. Make yourself so annoying that they HAVE to take another look and see what your son is like. You are the only one who can speak for him at this stage. YANBU to have cried, I would have been sobbing too.

You poor thing, that sounds very difficult. Keep working with his nursery and keep pushing pushing pushing for all the help you can get.

Your husband sounds so unsupportive. I presume he doesn't do much on his own with your son (or at least, not much that requires certain behaviours - letting him play with his own toys or watch his favourite programme while comfortable at home doesn't count).

In terms of the wider family, I imagine it's partly that they don't want to acknowledge that he might have some issues, and partly that they want to reassure you and make you feel better. A friend had the same when her DC was a similar age, and he did go on to get an ASD diagnosis (he's doing well in secondary now). To my shame, I was one of those telling her he was fine even though I had seen some behaviour that I knew wasn't typical, and that I now know was stimming. Partly wanting to reassure my friend, partly not wanting to speak out of turn about someone else's DC at a time of my life when I wasn't really around little ones.

Hairdresser at one point said "poor boy has got his hair all in his eyes. you need to get that sorted mum" while I was trying to pin him down so he wouldn't tear the posters off the wall. - oh classic reaction of a person without children who don't get it!

Honestly that's not normal behaviour or speech. Push nursery for assessments or go private. Read up on SEND. Google speech therapy info and play games to encourage speech and full sentences.

I missed the bit where OP divulged loads of stuff about the hairdresser’s private life. Other than you damning anyone childless for being ignorant I agree that that couldn’t have helped.

OP, on Instagram there’s a woman called Anna Louise Felstead who has been documenting doing things like this with her son who has autism, not armchair diagnosing yours but maybe some of her tips might help?

This doesn’t sound normal at all OP. And neither does your husband’s reaction.

He needs an assessment.

Your DH needs to be way more involved and do much more 1:1. The home environment your son needs is a joint effort. If you try to do this alone, things will get much worse.

Hairdresser at one point said "poor boy has got his hair all in his eyes. you need to get that sorted mum"

So hard to imagine someone saying this having witnessed a child licking the walls and, er, receptionist and running into the road repeatedly...

Sounds really upsetting, OP. Have an unMNish hug.

I think you did everything you could to get things to go well and your little boy was just very frightened. I wonder whether a mobile hairdresser who comes to your home might be easier. Otherwise would you consider shaving his head yourself- this might not be your preferred look but it can be easier than a scissor cut for a sensitive child, doesn't need to be done so often and you can do it yourself and take your time.

More important is the fact your DH isn't on board and isn't supporting you. Even if you disagree about whether there is an underlying neurodiversity, it's not helpful to say you're overthinking and making it worse. Has he tried taking DS for a cut?

I'm sorry you're not getting the support from your family. As a professional working in this field your dc's behaviour does not sound typical- the sensory issues, language, emotional regulation and difficulty with new things.

I would take the support the LA is offering. They will be best placed to point you in the right direction. I would be pushing for speech and language assessment in the first instance (has nursery staff completed any screeners?).

Really sounds like additional needs can't be ruled out. I sympathise, my child is autistic and has been known to display extremely challenging behaviour when out and about, I cried in m&s fairly recently actually.

His nursery are the best place to get an inclusion team in or salt referral they have access....his speech does sound delayed and his reaction extreme does your husband ever care for him on his own and get him out to things? I'd send him to hairdressers if he thinks it's your reaction....but the nursery obviously have experience and have concerns.
Referral to triple P courses are common in early years even if they think there is a send concern it's not a reflection on you.
What calms him? You may need to learn restraint techniques to keep him safe when out if he does kick off ...I've had to do it before sat on floor firm arm around body and child's arm leg around each side of him leg over if kicking and other hand holding head firmly against my body to avoid head butts while rocking and providing child's calming strategies....it's not fun and you have to say sod the onlookers.
You've got a tough job crying is sometimes the only outlet.

Reading your post OP left me with the impression that so much emphasis was put on the upcoming haircut that he felt overwhelm at it. It feels like too much pressure was being put on him to be in the centre of this process. In your shoes I'd wait until he was deep asleep and have a sneaky snip of his hair. It might not be perfect but it'd be good enough.