To have cried over DS behaviour?

[BargainBlunt]

DS is 3.5.

Nursery have called in the local authority to provide advice/support on DS. They aren't saying much more, just that there are concerns. I have spoken to GP who is v. dismissive, I completed forms but have since been told by HV I was given out of date forms by GP so now have to wait for them to have rejected and then can 'do other forms but little chance of being seen for 2 years or so", HV tells me not to bother as "it's not autism but anxiety" due to 'trauma' (she thinks covid plus moving house means trauma is causing the behavioural issues). Family and DH tell me there is nothing going on...just need to be firmer, DS takes the piss out of me cos he can etc.

Anyway, just tried to take DS for a haircut. A special kids place with cars. Spent all week talking about it, showing him videos, reading books. He was excited about going this morning. I even booked a double appointment to allow for all the tears and refusal.

DS tried to wreck the place. He licked the walls. He tried to lick the receptionist's face in a kind of mania. He climbed on top of strangers. He ran out into the street and road numerous times. He lay down in the street. Wouldn't let me near him. The hairdresser tried to corner him at one point and he screamed like a wild animal. We gave up after 40 mins. He then tried to run into random houses on the way home. Hid in a bush.

I cried in the car and called DH. DH told me I was making it all a bigger deal than it needed to be

"Stop over thinking everything"

I honestly feel like I'm gaslit. We keep having episodes like that and DH, GP, MiL, HV keep telling me it's just 'some kids'. Nursery staff seem to think something going on for DS too but everyone close to me thinks I'm being dramatic.

DH said me crying was making it all worse.

DS apologised in the car. Said he was scared. Kept saying "hair cup ouchy" and "sorry mummy". Which did make me feel awful. Should I not let him see me upset?

Hairdresser at one point said "poor boy has got his hair all in his eyes. you need to get that sorted mum" while I was trying to pin him down so he wouldn't tear the posters off the wall.

I mean....it's upsetting isn't it? I feel like everyone is saying basically this is normal mum stuff and I'm just not coping.

Am I being OTT? Do I just need to get my shit together? Is parenting a 3 year old boy really just this hard? I am finding it really hard to not tearful and DH is getting frustrated with me.

Oh and start keeping a diary now and gathering evidence detailing meltdowns etc. You will need it for referrals and it also means you can start tracking/working out what is triggering them.

His truncated words could indicate a hearing problem, has his hearing been tested?

Meanwhile I'd ask DH to take DC for a haircut. Either he'll sit angelically still and get a lovely haircut; or DH will find out he can't control the child either.
It's a win either way.

If he has anxiety , showing him photos and talking over the course of a week about a haircut isnt helpful. He wont understand that the haircut isn't happening today and you have turned into a huge issue. A simple right we are off for a haircut today and guess what you get a lollipop at the end should have been enough. This is not to dismiss that there are issues and he definitely had a full on melt down. So you need to change your strategy- you may even want to consider using a mobile hair dresser. My DS hates the barbers, finds them too noisy and hates the clippers. Cant sit still and laughs hysterically and shakes. I stopped taking him as they couldnt cut his hair and came out a mess. So he comes to the salon I use, when it is quiet and gets a scissor cut and is completely different. Good luck with it all and i would suggest you leave your DH to parent his child for a couple of days and go and get yourself a spa break. Then see what he says on your return (also I wouldn't allow a GP to suggest your DS isnt autistic and dismiss it as anxiety. Blaming lock down and moving house is easy and stops them having to do anything. Take a note of all behaviours, eating habits, sleep, behaviours and speak to nursery too. Dont let folks suggest your being over dramatic.

I’m so sorry OP, I know how exhausting and stressful this situation can be. I hear you.

Sounds like he experienced sensory overwhelm and had a meltdown.

You might find the National autistic society have some good resources on their website to help you to understand some of your son’s behaviours more. Plus SENDIASS are really helpful www.kids.org.uk/sendiass

Op I have a DS with sensory issues. Now 12 and what you described for haircuts brought back memories.

Nothing much to say except for hugs and hugs and hugs again to you.

Wow. Maybe tell your husband to look at sensory issues. Some child (mine included) find it painful to get their hair cut. He's 6 sometimes he gets it cut sometimes he doesn't. But we don't force it. We had the same issues with our oldest, whi is now 16 and gets a hair cut no problem. It's not being soft its listen to your child. Take them somewhere else. We tried 7 different hairdressers and the one we have now is fab. She's built it up over months and she works and listens to him. They agree a number of cuts and that's it.

This sounds very much like my DS when he was 3, it was the most stressful time of my life. He had speech delay and behaviour just like that. It got where I wouldn’t take him anywhere on my own, he was such a danger to himself and others!
Nursery also referred for extra support, my GP and hv were great though and referrals were already in train. My ds ended up diagnosed with dyspraxia, when he was 4.5 the behaviour just changed - he started speaking (while waiting for speech therapy!) - when he went back to school after the summer (nursery was attached to the school so all the staff knew him) the teacher told me if he’d come from another nursery she wouldn’t have believed the report, he was literally like a different child. Now at 13 he’s in the top set in school and is the most quiet, polite lovely boy it’s unbelievable how he’s changed!
my advice would be to keep on at your gp, HV and nursery to get referrals and support and if it turns out he didn’t need them there’s nothing lost - but if he does need it at least you kept fighting!

sending a big virtual hug and handhold with the hope things get better!!

yanbu to get upset

100% not you. Whilst some of his behaviour is within the vast realms of “normal” there definitely sounds like there is a lot that needs addressing.
Yes, 3yo boys can be hard work, but what you’re dealing with sounds on another level.
like other posters have said, the primary care givers (you and nursery) can see there is an issue and those who do not spend long periods of time with him are brushing it off. They need to stop because they are absolutely not qualified in any way to have an opinion. Your DH needs to step up and put himself in your position so he can experience his DS in the same setting as you. You need to leave and leave him to it.
I don’t understand why it would take 2 years for an assessment, is that normal for your area? Appreciate you might not know that but if you have any other mum friends locally that have been through ASD or ADHD assessments it would be an idea to see how long it took. I only say this because my DS is 5 and at the start of this school his teacher (who is also the SENCO) referred him for an assessment for ASD and ADHD and his assessment was completed and feedback within a week. Every country will be different but two years feels utterly ridiculous!

Oh bless you, what a bad day (I know it's not just today).

Do you have anyone close to you that is supportive? Anyone that you can have a coffee with and unload?

Yes to letting DH take him and see how he gets on.

Yes to hearing test

and if you need to get the hair out of his eyes and Dad is unsuccessful with the cut, trim his fringe while he is asleep. It may not be a gorgeous cut but at least it will be done.

parent of an autistic DS who STILL hates any kind of personal care.

I think this is very sound advice.

I agree.

When you talk about family, is that your family or DP’s family?

That's a lot of preamble for a haircut?
Just nip in and get it done, or do it yourself, as others have suggested.

Kids definitely feed off the anxiety of the parent, does he behave better for other people?
However, the 'baby talk', the manic wall~ licking and trying to dash into the street doesn't sound 'Normal' for a child of nearly 4 yrs.old.

Must be very wearying to deal with. Let your husband look after him, and see how he copes?

Well, you sound like me 20 years ago.
Autism diagnosis followed.
It has been fucking hard. It's not your fault.

I work with a variety of autism specialists and it would take a huge amount of assessment to differentiate between trauma (not that it sounds like he’s actually had any) and anxiety vs Autism. Your health visitor is in no way qualified to make that call.

This. Ignore the minimising. Fight to get an assessment and help for him asap. You’re a good mum. [Flowers}

Just nip in...... I'm sure it's really going to be solved that easily NOT!

I have no idea whether you son has autism or not OP.
But it sounds as though he may.

One thing I do know is, that if you parent him as though he does, it will do him no harm at all.

You can't "firm boundary" him into coping so you'd better not try (all you can do is bulldoze him into masking which is very damaging- been there, got the T shirt).

When you feel ready come join us on the SN boards. Whether he has asd, or anxiety, or trauma or "just" sensory issues you'll find plenty of non-judgemental advice and support. 🙂

He climbed on top of strangers. He ran out into the street and road numerous times. He lay down in the street. Wouldn't let me near him. The hairdresser tried to corner him at one point and he screamed like a wild animal.

This really doesn't sound normal. You need to push your GP for a paediatrician referral.

And you need to kick your selfish husband up the arse. Does he take care of your DS at all? Ever?

Keep posting if it helps.

I find relatives often want to deny there’s something ‘wrong’. Ignore them, nursery and you as his mum need to get the help he deserves. Keep pushing and ignore those who say all is fine.
From a practical point of view, instead of a children’s salon which can be quite over stimulating with the car seats etc, can you explain the situation and take him to your hairdresser? I’ve seen my hairdresser have children in just to chat, maybe sometimes brush their hair then build up to a cut.

My DS was diagnosed with autism at 9.
At 3 his speech was similar; making a point with as few words as possible. He really struggled with the grammar of building sentences and nursery implemented the SALT targeted strategies. I bought some Peter and Jane books because of their simple, repetitive sentence contruction and arrangements and that seemed to help.

Hairdressers are very intense sensory environments; noise, touch, pulling, smells. The children's one may have been bright and busy too? DS1 always became "sulky" and "awkward" and with hindsight I realise that it was overload. He now has long hair and occasional trims in a quiet domestic setting which helps take out many of the inputs.

It's so hard when you know things aren't right and get hit with walls of uninterest and willful ignorance at every angle. I was so relieved when DS was diagnosed because it vindicated why things were difficult. I had already been adapting the way I managed him, but someone official acknowledging it helped a lot. That's not to say things are plain sailing from that point; his school ignored and couldn't even implement routine dyslexia adaptions 🙄

Just to say that I’ve cried over my DDs behaviour many times, and no one else used to be able to see the issue other than me. Similar challenges - overwhelm/meltdowns, sensory issues. I understand why you needed to prepare him as we could never just spring an activity on her, it would always trigger a meltdown - transitions between activities still need to be planned. We’ve speculated over the years that she is autistic (I think she has autistic traits) but never pushed for a diagnosis as gradually things have become easier (albeit with ups and downs). She’s nine now and still sometimes has meltdowns because her collar is itchy etc. it has upset me so much over the years and to feel like an awful parent when she was lying rigid screaming in the middle of the road (for example)

A teacher at her school today I was chatting said “well done” when they heard she was my child! Obviously they don’t see what happens all the time but still I’ll take it! (I don’t mean that as a boast as just as I’ve not done anything to create the issues, I haven’t done anything particularly outstanding as a parent either - just muddled through) just to say that no, the behaviour is not normal, it’s ok to be upset and you will come out the other side with the right support

He sounds like my DD (now 10). She has always hated anything being "done to her" or any changes in her routine or surroundings, since birth. Nappy changes, bathtime, teeth cleaning, haircut, etc. New coat or shoes had to be purchased in advance & left in the living room, essentially as toys, so she could get used to them, or she'd reject them. I managed to cut her hair when she was about 2, I couldn't do it again until she was nearly 8 as she'd react so violently that I was afraid she'd get injured with the scissors. It was knee length. We had to move house shortly before the pandemic - she was well aware what was going to happen - and she found the experience so stressful that she stopped talking for a couple of months. And toilet training went back to square one, for over a year. She'd been similar at nursery re: the selective mutism, apparently the staff didn't realise she could talk for at least 3 months, it was nearly 6 months before she spoke to any of them (they heard her chatting to the other kids but she'd clam up if she realised they could hear her too.

School have said she's clearly ND but it's taken a long time to get things sorted out, for various reasons, she's still waiting for assessment.

my sons both struggled with haircuts hated it - once with the eldest the barber left half way through for cigarette - we let his hair grow a bit then family friend trimmed it in our house in front of tv with snack moving and at age 4 -5 he started going for haircut no problem.

my youngest has ASD - he would only go in places he wanted so we just trimmed hair whilst sleeping - luckily he is in a special school now where every half term a team of hairdressers come in and do hair in groups.

take any support you can from nursery we did and never looked back - sometimes family only see what they want - someone that distressed doesn’t want a haircut so by pushing it makes it traumatic.

dont be hard on your self you did amazing for trying x

You’re not alone! Took my son (with sensory issues and developmental trauma) to a hairdresser that specialises in nervous/SEND children this evening. My child is now sporting his usual wonky haircut because he wouldn’t sit still and while we were there another parent was dragging/carrying/cajoling their screaming child to come in for a pre-haircut visit and they didn’t actually make it through the door. Just wanted to offer some solidarity and say you’re not alone and it’s bloody hard work!