To have cried over DS behaviour?

[BargainBlunt]

DS is 3.5.

Nursery have called in the local authority to provide advice/support on DS. They aren't saying much more, just that there are concerns. I have spoken to GP who is v. dismissive, I completed forms but have since been told by HV I was given out of date forms by GP so now have to wait for them to have rejected and then can 'do other forms but little chance of being seen for 2 years or so", HV tells me not to bother as "it's not autism but anxiety" due to 'trauma' (she thinks covid plus moving house means trauma is causing the behavioural issues). Family and DH tell me there is nothing going on...just need to be firmer, DS takes the piss out of me cos he can etc.

Anyway, just tried to take DS for a haircut. A special kids place with cars. Spent all week talking about it, showing him videos, reading books. He was excited about going this morning. I even booked a double appointment to allow for all the tears and refusal.

DS tried to wreck the place. He licked the walls. He tried to lick the receptionist's face in a kind of mania. He climbed on top of strangers. He ran out into the street and road numerous times. He lay down in the street. Wouldn't let me near him. The hairdresser tried to corner him at one point and he screamed like a wild animal. We gave up after 40 mins. He then tried to run into random houses on the way home. Hid in a bush.

I cried in the car and called DH. DH told me I was making it all a bigger deal than it needed to be

"Stop over thinking everything"

I honestly feel like I'm gaslit. We keep having episodes like that and DH, GP, MiL, HV keep telling me it's just 'some kids'. Nursery staff seem to think something going on for DS too but everyone close to me thinks I'm being dramatic.

DH said me crying was making it all worse.

DS apologised in the car. Said he was scared. Kept saying "hair cup ouchy" and "sorry mummy". Which did make me feel awful. Should I not let him see me upset?

Hairdresser at one point said "poor boy has got his hair all in his eyes. you need to get that sorted mum" while I was trying to pin him down so he wouldn't tear the posters off the wall.

I mean....it's upsetting isn't it? I feel like everyone is saying basically this is normal mum stuff and I'm just not coping.

Am I being OTT? Do I just need to get my shit together? Is parenting a 3 year old boy really just this hard? I am finding it really hard to not tearful and DH is getting frustrated with me.

Hi OP, your son is displaying very similar behaviours to my boy at the same age. He sounds as if he is autistic, quite obviously so, and I am astounded that you have not had a diagnosis. The behaviours are as clear as day - licking unusual textures, hating being touched. You son needs to see a paediatrician, it is nothing to do 'anxiety' resulting with your parenting. Please stop being so hard on yourself. An ASD DX will help you. I would also say that his language sounds very typical of a child on the spectrum, my son got pronouns mixed up, front and back, all that sort of thing - he may also be dyslexic. He also did that thing of rearranging consonants at random! But he needs assessment by a specialist doctor and S&L therapist. And your husband sounds very unhelpful - autistic behaviours are not indulged bad behaviours. If I could change anything, it would be to tell those people to do one. I have three children and only my eldest displayed them. Please be kind to yourself OP, and speak to the GP. x

You poor thing. That's really upsetting and your DH could be more supportive! Agree with pp, if you try it again get DH to take him!

But I never even attempted a hairdresser with adS, I knew it would be a disaster.

Gave him the iPad and did it myself with kids clippers.

These days (age 7) he has taken to deciding we are done when we are part way through which leads to interesting results! But at 3.5 it was fine.

It's an interesting point though, has DH ever taken him for a haircut and what happens when he does? I'd also try find out what the actual concerns are an who they were raised with. It really shouldn't be this difficult. I'm not sure spending a whole week building up to it was the best idea as that could potentially slowly build the anxiety until the final day you say right we're going to the hairdresser today - and then it tips over. You could have inadvertently turned a pretty small issue into a bigger thing by spending so long talking about it and making it into a thing, but honestly it really shouldn't be this difficult. If you are absolutely sure he isn't just playing up because he knows how to play you then I'd find out what concerns the school have and who they have flagged it with as a starting point but in the meantime see if you can find different strategies which don't slowly turn something simple into a huge cause of anxiety. You may find the family members who don't have any problems like this with him don't invest as much time building up to going somewhere with him, so they don't get the same fallout hence why they aren't seeing what you see.

Offering virtual hugs here too. I said similar about DD1 (now 6yo), everybody brushed me off but I knew something was going on. She's autistic and ADHD. In the meantime you feel shit and like a bad parent because you're constantly being told it's something you are doing by everybody around you. I have no advice on that front but I fully sympathise. It's wrong and shouldn't happen but it does.

Ask nursery to refer to OT for. Sensory assessment
www.standrewstherapy.co.uk/assessments-and-therapies/sensory-assessments/

Or get one done privately
Read the out of synch child

Dont cry about it
Work on getting him assessed and somehelp
Be insistent
He reacts strongly to certsin environments keep notes

Sending you a hug OP. I have been there many times with dd, she’s now 17 and still makes me cry sometimes. With dd sometimes I find preparing her too early isn’t a good thing as she has time to build it up to a bigger thing in her head, being on the spectrum myself sometimes I find it easier to just do things last minute, I hate having my hair cut so I wait until I desperately need one and then I just go to a walk I hair dressers that day and get it done. I have a dentist appointment in 2 weeks and I am already building it up in my head as a ‘major event’ when I really don’t need too (but I can’t help it). I am not saying your ds is autistic but I think young children often need to be treated in a similar way, they are still learning to regulate their feelings and behaviours which can make the behaviours pretty extreme.

www.nhslanarkshire.scot.nhs.uk/services/occupational-therapy/learning-disability/sensory-processing-and-learning-disabilities/

Even if no ld he can still hsve sensory issues

I've met a lot of men who resist accepting that their child has special needs. Even when it's bleeding obvious to everyone who comes into contact with the child.

You need to get your child help, whether your husband is on board or not.

I'm sorry you're struggling. It's not you. It isn't. So many families are being let down right now due to the lack of support available and the huge waiting lists for assessment and help.

This sounds so upsetting OP, no advice really but just empathy.
Keep on advocating for him, sounds like the nursery may help, but this must be incredibly difficult for you, sending hugs

P.s if you do use a clipper you don't actually have to shave him! You can use them to achieve a longer cut, you just hold the hair with your other hand and have the clipper cut it further away from the head.

I did start off by using scissors but it takes longer and is harder to get it looking nice.

OP I think it’s unhelpful to say it’s all your parenting or all your sons additional needs or behaviour. In reality it’s likely a mixture of all 3.

As others mentioned keep a log of any ‘off’ behaviour - difficulty making eye contact, stimming, extreme anger etc.
Request an assessment and present this at that.

In the meantime I do think you need help with your parenting. Pre schoolers are the ultimate in give an inch, take a mile. Your son may well have additional needs but there are coping mechanisms you can use to manage him better. You are not helpless, you are the parent and you need to get back control.

Action for Children, Family action and the NSPCC all provide parenting advice and I would contact as many of these resources as you can to get some help.

@BargainBlunt With regards to your husband does your sin act this way with him?

It sounds like he needs to be seen properly I’m afraid I have no experience, however for haircuts…I have 3 boys and they have never seen a hairdresser, I just use clippers and cut them usually no4 or no5 every so often. They basically get cartoons for an hour a day so if I say you’ll get a cartoon they sit still enough for me to cut their hair the. Straight in bath to wash off itchy hair. Instead of putting you and your son through suck awful experiences I’d really try and just cut hair myself, they don’t need to look like models just something to keep it at bay! Your situation sounds very frustrating, you need more support. It’s not ideal to cry infront of child but you are human just explain you are sad but don’t lie the blame on him. I have a 1,3 and 6 yr old and although we’ve never done a hairdressers your sons speech and behaviour does sound different to my experiences. Although my 6 year old behaves pretty awful at dr etc. pretty much climbs the walls and refuses any treatment/ looking at. Keep pushing for support and tell your DP/DH he needs to step up!

I find my 2.5 year old to be quite wild in that he jumps on things and can be rough etc but I never feel he is out of control. It sounds like a major meltdown in reaction to the hairdresser where he just couldn't control himself so does seem more along the lines of autism. Even although it is hard, remember two things: mums know their kids best. End of. And your wee boy loves you, he just isn't coping with things. But mum cuddles will help him so so much.
Good luck to you - keep fighting for your son.

I am sorry you are going through this without much support, especially from your DH. I would certainly push for a SALT assessment and make a polite pain of yourself with the GP. Our HV was not helpful either.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job meeting your son's needs already, but in the meantime try to make life easier by doing things like getting a haircut at home (we have a hairdresser who specialises in kids with sensory difficulties, but even then it's just a quick swoosh with the clippers while he tries to push them away).
It sounds like he is struggling with sensory things so avoiding triggers will make life much happier for both of you. Don't let your DH insists on pushing him to do things he finds really distressing and lean on the support of the nursery if you need to push for referrals. Their SENCO should help you.

All kids hate haircuts surely?! Especially a 3yo, come on.

Agree it was a bizarre choice to spend a week building it up!!! Just going to increase anxiety that way. Downplay and make it seem matter of fact, even boring is the way forward!

The approach I took was force DH to take DS to the barbers just to watch DH have hair cut. Yes there was some bribery in the form of a lollipop.

The 3rd time of going along, it was DS turn to have haircut after DH. Apparently got in the chair whinged a bit was given lollipop and phone to play on and absolutely fine. Rinse and repeat from then on.

It's a dad thing to take son to get hair cut, sounds like a DH problem if he cba parenting his own son.

I would definitely agree that it sounds as though he is neurodivergent. Surely even the GP can agree the speech is concerning- my one year old has similar speech.

I would (kindly ) say that you being emotionally dysregulated is not going to be helpful but no wonder you’re crying when you’re being gaslit like this.

There are plenty of times when I raise an eyebrow at a child being presented as ASD when the likely issue is attachment and/or trauma but this doesn’t sound like that at all.

Your his Mum so trust your gut instincts.
Reins might still be useful - then he cant run away.
Neurodiverse children are often developmentally 18 months younger than their actual age. This has helped me when im dealing with my children.
Start the ball rolling was assessment - you have nothing to use and everything to gain.

I cried in the car and called DH. DH told me I was making it all a bigger deal than it needed to be

Your DH is being a knob and is very unsupportive.
It obviously is a "big deal" because the nursery have already flagged concerns and the health visitor is involved too.
Whether it's autism or anxiety due to trauma (as the HV suggests) it's affecting his behaviour and no, this is not typical behaviour of most children, so there's obviously something else going on.

Can you go to a different GP in the same practice?

Oh and I'd be telling DH he needs to make an appointment for the haircut and take his child, then see what happens.

Has the Dr had his hearing checked (might be difficult in reality) because it's quite common to have glue ear (mine seemed to have it permanently until about 5) and it delayed the speech and construction of sentences and led to frustrations from not being able to communicate what was wanted and I think I had to get ears checked before going to salt.

My absolutely verbal,up for anything ds1 (now 27)absolutely transformed into satan at barbers-even when at home\dads friend...once resulted in having to finish it when asleep. fortunate with curls so could get away with a bit length. ..
owch every snip......waasht it-co tip own wee water can over head -aallowed shampoo-so...there was that....also..."play scissors" de-fringed himself!...eventually pretend played (co samefamily friend home barber)a story bout the boy in mirror-friend played a long....was..extreme but workt.....
hairs least of your concerns.. Guaranteed wheter neurotypical or not - child gony know behaviour has effect...(on you).does he ONLY behave that way with you?
best suggestion i have is play therapy. nursery may be able to signpost you? google local one?...

Agree it was a bizarre choice to spend a week building it up!!

Actually it was a goid idea
Social stories ard used fof peolle woth ASD to prepare
Hiwever
If someone is going to have dxtreme sensory teactuin and does not havd thd maturity or tools to deal
Then no amojnt if prel eill wirk

Bur
The way forward woukd be

1. Go outside the haur salon look in
2. Go ovef thresgold one minute then leave
3. Go in sit in chair for kne minute then leave
4. As 3 but two minutes
5. As 4 but put the apron

6 as 5 but hairdressrfcombs hair
Etc til you get to a snip of hair

Each stage asess the reaCtion

Same process for dentist

Actually it was a good idea
Social stories are used for people with ASD to prepare
However
If someone is going to have extreme sensory reaction and does not havE the maturity or tools to deal due age or LD
Then no amount of prep will work so you need small step exposure building up gradually to cut

Speak to school senco these are extreme behaviours and your hv sounds clueless. Push for a paediatrician assessment. Ignore and or leave your dh he sounds like a dick. I better if you son has a melt down with him it's your child's fault. A great book is rossgreene explosive child