To have cried over DS behaviour?

[BargainBlunt]

DS is 3.5.

Nursery have called in the local authority to provide advice/support on DS. They aren't saying much more, just that there are concerns. I have spoken to GP who is v. dismissive, I completed forms but have since been told by HV I was given out of date forms by GP so now have to wait for them to have rejected and then can 'do other forms but little chance of being seen for 2 years or so", HV tells me not to bother as "it's not autism but anxiety" due to 'trauma' (she thinks covid plus moving house means trauma is causing the behavioural issues). Family and DH tell me there is nothing going on...just need to be firmer, DS takes the piss out of me cos he can etc.

Anyway, just tried to take DS for a haircut. A special kids place with cars. Spent all week talking about it, showing him videos, reading books. He was excited about going this morning. I even booked a double appointment to allow for all the tears and refusal.

DS tried to wreck the place. He licked the walls. He tried to lick the receptionist's face in a kind of mania. He climbed on top of strangers. He ran out into the street and road numerous times. He lay down in the street. Wouldn't let me near him. The hairdresser tried to corner him at one point and he screamed like a wild animal. We gave up after 40 mins. He then tried to run into random houses on the way home. Hid in a bush.

I cried in the car and called DH. DH told me I was making it all a bigger deal than it needed to be

"Stop over thinking everything"

I honestly feel like I'm gaslit. We keep having episodes like that and DH, GP, MiL, HV keep telling me it's just 'some kids'. Nursery staff seem to think something going on for DS too but everyone close to me thinks I'm being dramatic.

DH said me crying was making it all worse.

DS apologised in the car. Said he was scared. Kept saying "hair cup ouchy" and "sorry mummy". Which did make me feel awful. Should I not let him see me upset?

Hairdresser at one point said "poor boy has got his hair all in his eyes. you need to get that sorted mum" while I was trying to pin him down so he wouldn't tear the posters off the wall.

I mean....it's upsetting isn't it? I feel like everyone is saying basically this is normal mum stuff and I'm just not coping.

Am I being OTT? Do I just need to get my shit together? Is parenting a 3 year old boy really just this hard? I am finding it really hard to not tearful and DH is getting frustrated with me.

Am so sorry I've been there. My DS had similar behaviours it sounds like complete sensory overload not a tantrum or bad behaviour. Please ask for a referral to developmental paediatrics and/or portage via your pre school. I was gaslit for years by everyone it is a very lonely place to be. My DS has just been diagnosed with autism it has got better but I do remember those horrendous times when it didn't make sense. Please demand help for you both.

Sounds so tough. DS was a massive tantrummer, and hairdresser refusenik, but this sounds there’s other stuff going on.

fwiw, I just gave up with the haircuts around this age. I realised that if he was a girl I wouldn’t be forcing him to cut his hair… He grew it and kept it long (it looked pretty awful, but it was his hair, his choice) and then asked to have it cut (at a hairdresser!) when he was 7.

IME family minimise stuff because they don't want to admit that there's an issue.

Are you able to see a different GP within your practice? They're human and a total mix bag, but another one might be better able to help you. I was referred for ND assessments by my GP who was very understanding. Another one who was doing a repeat prescription decided to raise the issue and was incredibly rude and dismissive, basically saying I'd coped this long so there was no value in it. Luckily it still went ahead but it really is a lottery with doctors.

YANBU to cry. Let it all out. Also get your partner to take DS to the hairdressers alone and see how he copes.

You aren't overreacting, it's not normal toddler behaviour. My neurotypical DS didn't act like that, he wasn't particularly fond of haircut time but he didn't behave as you described.

Please keep pushing for help and a diagnosis, it sounds very difficult.

Sounds like he is experiencing sensory overload. My son who is autistic reacted exactly like this at haircuts. People are always quick to blame the mum for any challenging behaviour. Ask for referral to speech therapy and occupational therapy. The nursery should refer to early years. Keep notes of any unusual behaviour, especially in terms of social communication. Good luck and keep pushing for support. Your husband and family will find it easier to blame you than to accept that there may be an issue.

Agree with this.
Of course YANBU OP. Your son's behaviour in public was terrible, and of course it is normal to feel upset as his mother. Your husband is being very unfair and looking at him with rose tinted glasses if he thinks that sort of behaviour is normal. Let him deal with it next time. And the fact that your son saw you upset is fine, and it is good that he said sorry.
Accept all the help you can get from the authority/medical services. If your son has SN, he can be helped. If not, he also can be helped and a behaviour management programme put in place for him. Don't worry, you won't be putting up with this his whole life.

Nursery have called in the local authority to provide advice/support on DS. They aren't saying much more, just that there are concerns.

This stood out to me. Who have they called in? Ask them directly what concerns they have.

This does not sound like normal behaviour for almost 4. Can you ask to see another HV? Your current one is not helpful.

And your h?? Words fail me.

You're not overreacting. Your ds needs help. Work with nursery to get him some.

You're not crazy. This isn't a normal hairdresser trip for a 3.5yo.

Sorry people are being dismissive. They are usually (apparently) trying to reassure you (??????) but it just ends up being really isolating.

He sounds like he could benefit from some of the approaches used with ND children at least. If you had said one of the behaviours on its own I would have said at one stage one of my sons probably did similar but the fact it was all one incident sounds like investigation would be a good idea.

I would agree with PP - ask your DH to take him - just as a matter of interest does you DS act differently with DH? Family member now an adult who is ND and for years his father couldn't understand concerns as he never witnessed the behaviour.

If at all possible, a private assessment would be wise. It may also open doors with recommendations for treatment, support, and practical parenting classes. If the CAHMS assessment is two years from now, it’s more than 50 % of his current age.

It can be hard to get a diagnosis, and many people are in denial about mental health issues. Your son’s meltdown was extreme. Keep doing social stories and such, as clear expectations are reassuring. Early treatment leads to better remediation.

They have probably asked for an Educational Psychologist visit or early years advisor. He’s due to start school in September and it’s possible he should go with a EHCP. They are starting to get the assessments done, in my view. Therefore ask to see the SENCO at the nursery urgently. Talk through what they are doing and what you can do. Ask them about seeing the GP. Is it of value or not. Lastly ask DH to rake him for a haircut and don’t shave his head! Awful suggestion!

@BargainBlunt I really feel for you, your post took me back to when my DS was young, down to the tears, car seats and unsympathetic hairdresser! You know your child best and you know something isn't quite right. I found my HV useless and my family told me that my DS would 'grow out of it'. He's now 6 and with the support of the school we're in the process of getting him an ASD diagnosis. He still doesn't tolerate haircuts very well, he hates the feel and sound of the scissors and finds the hairdressers itself an overwhelming place with the people and lights. Do you have a garden? I let my DS watch youtube and give him a quick trim in our garden and luckily he suits long hair. I've learnt to choose my battles and ignore comments from my family. My DS is my priority, not conforming to what they think is right.

I think you need to work with the preschool in getting him assessed, bypass your unhelpful HV, and have a serious talk with your DP. He either accepts that you know best or he can take over he thinks he could do better. Good luck!

You need to.ask For a referral to.the ccommunity paediatrician,your health,visitor sounds use less,it's. Beyond her remit to rule ou t any developmental disorders
have nursery got the educational psychologist involved?

Hi there,

Im so sorry to hear things are tough atm but you are not alone. My 3 year old was exactly like this, he’s 4 and a half now and we are going through the process of receiving a private autism diagnosis.

Regarding the haircut, would it be possible to hire a mobile hairdresser to come to your house? My little one finds salons/barbers a sensory overload and he can have a meltdown.. home environment is safe and everything can be calm and quiet for him so that’s what we prefer.

Your husband needs an assessment to check how high he is on the 'utter wanker' scale. Trust me - it's high

Take no notice of him or of anyone who says your son is NT

Your son definitely has additional needs - behaviour and speech need looking at to start with

This is not your fault

It is what it is - liaise with Nursery and get all the help you can

That sounds really hard. We did only a little of the prep you describe before our 3yo boys first haircut and had nothing like that, he was a bit tickly but no big drama. In fact never had behaviour like you describe, running in others houses and licking receptionist etc, and would presume if I saw a child behaving like that out and about that they had some significant legitimate reason for it (autism, trauma, communication or behavioural challenges of one sort of another), I wouldn't think it was normal and I would expect me, my sister or my mum friends all to be upset after an outing like that. Sounds like such a stressful trip. Hope you get the support you need op, 💐

Has your husband ever seen him like this or delt with him like this?

Get a go pro? I filmed my eldest son the school were appalled at his behaviour and concerned with the switch at the playground gates (he masks) but ultimately the senco decided that he was "fine" when she retired her replacement realised he was not fine and he got support

I have a child the same age and that behaviour and his speech is not normal, sounds like he has special needs. Tell your husband to get his head out of his arse and help you get DS the support he needs.

My DS has autism and also HATES hair cuts, fwiw once support is in place they cope so much more.

@BargainBlunt sounds like my DS a couple of years ago. He’s since been diagnosed with autism and adhd, his speech is still very jumbled but he has started finally talking at 5yo. It’s hard, it’s a bloody long fight, you’ll be gaslit to hell and back over your DS by people that don’t have any kind of fucking clue. I wish I could offer a more cheerful bit of help but this is almost exactly what I’ve been through too

I definitely wouldn't be taking him back to the hairdresser..just trim it a little bit at a time when he is cooperating. I hope you get some good answers and support from the professionals soon. Remember, you are doing your best which is all any of us can do.

Make your H take him to his next hair appointment.

Get a private speech and SN assessment. The speech is concerning and needs to be addressed asap.

I think you sound like you are running around at the end of your tether, doing everything for your kid and the closest thing to support you’re getting is opinions. No wonder you’re anxious AF! It sounds like your parenting is being criticized by everyone, but what are they actually DOING? I have a feeling that nobody is more critical of your parenting than you are yourself and unfortunately your child is picking up on this anxiety.

I do agree with pps that you might have expected a bit too much from a 3.5y/o’s attention span when preparing him for the hairdresser. I think he picked up on your hyper-vigilance and was terrified. I wonder if Dad took him out and didn’t tell him where he was going, but had his own hair cut, then in a calm bit matter of fact tone said, “Right, now it’s your turn, Big Guy…” if things would be any different? Who knows? They may not!

He does need language development. Are you doing the talking for him? Are you correcting his speech? (Gently, of course…) Being unable to communicate with other kids would be very frustrating for him. Just because you can understand him, doesn’t mean that the other kids can. This may be affecting his behaviour at school. Also, having an understanding of the world around you comes from having an understanding of words. Kids who can express themselves are better behaved and more confident.

I do hope this helps. Please don’t assume that everyone on here is able to diagnose your child. Only a professional can do that. Best of luck!!!

Wow, your husband sounds like a real authority on it. Why don’t you suggest since he knows more about it than you, he can take DS for his next haircut? Then you can see how a pro handles it!

I used to have to cut DS hair at home in front of the TV. He is autistic and couldn’t cope in the new environment. Now he loves the barber, and when he’s getting near the end of his cut he always says ‘remember to do the brush, remember to do the gel’ because he loves the whole routine. Because he is older and can cope now.

One thing I will say - I would suggest some reins. You can’t help him wanting to run off/into other people’s houses etc but it is so dangerous.

My DC have sensory proccesing disorder. It sounds very much like a meltdown due to that. SPD often goes hand in hand with autism. Push again for an assessment. All the very best of luck! xxx