To have cried over DS behaviour?

[BargainBlunt]

DS is 3.5.

Nursery have called in the local authority to provide advice/support on DS. They aren't saying much more, just that there are concerns. I have spoken to GP who is v. dismissive, I completed forms but have since been told by HV I was given out of date forms by GP so now have to wait for them to have rejected and then can 'do other forms but little chance of being seen for 2 years or so", HV tells me not to bother as "it's not autism but anxiety" due to 'trauma' (she thinks covid plus moving house means trauma is causing the behavioural issues). Family and DH tell me there is nothing going on...just need to be firmer, DS takes the piss out of me cos he can etc.

Anyway, just tried to take DS for a haircut. A special kids place with cars. Spent all week talking about it, showing him videos, reading books. He was excited about going this morning. I even booked a double appointment to allow for all the tears and refusal.

DS tried to wreck the place. He licked the walls. He tried to lick the receptionist's face in a kind of mania. He climbed on top of strangers. He ran out into the street and road numerous times. He lay down in the street. Wouldn't let me near him. The hairdresser tried to corner him at one point and he screamed like a wild animal. We gave up after 40 mins. He then tried to run into random houses on the way home. Hid in a bush.

I cried in the car and called DH. DH told me I was making it all a bigger deal than it needed to be

"Stop over thinking everything"

I honestly feel like I'm gaslit. We keep having episodes like that and DH, GP, MiL, HV keep telling me it's just 'some kids'. Nursery staff seem to think something going on for DS too but everyone close to me thinks I'm being dramatic.

DH said me crying was making it all worse.

DS apologised in the car. Said he was scared. Kept saying "hair cup ouchy" and "sorry mummy". Which did make me feel awful. Should I not let him see me upset?

Hairdresser at one point said "poor boy has got his hair all in his eyes. you need to get that sorted mum" while I was trying to pin him down so he wouldn't tear the posters off the wall.

I mean....it's upsetting isn't it? I feel like everyone is saying basically this is normal mum stuff and I'm just not coping.

Am I being OTT? Do I just need to get my shit together? Is parenting a 3 year old boy really just this hard? I am finding it really hard to not tearful and DH is getting frustrated with me.

And surely the fact there in a hairdressers means OP is getting it sorted (or trying to). On a practical level I’d suggest having a mobile hairdresser come to you or get your DH to take him (with you there as well if you prefer).

If the HV told you he didn't have autism and then diagnosed him with anxiety and trauma then please put in a complaint about her - she is NOT qualified to diagnose your child. Apart from anything else anxiety is extremely common as a comorbid condition with ASD, speech delays are also common. Licking the walls, trying to rip all the posters off the walls, not liking getting his hair cut (I'm guessing), going completely manic, behind with speech. Just from this little you've said there is so much to suggest there is something more going on here - the wall licking in particular would suggest sensory seeking ASD type behaviour.

Please make a note of any unusual, quirky, different, impulsive and unusual for his age group things your ds does - it's surprisingly easy to forget over time and this info will be useful if/when he is assessed. The more info you have down the more helpful it should be when they diagnose - my 10 year old was diagnosed in 45 minutes.

How is he at nursery? If they have concerns could they get someone in from the council SEN/SEND team to observe him? That could be really helpful.

I believe 100% that this is not your parenting and that there is something more going on here, and I promise if I thought it was your parenting then I would tell you.

Also, in my experience you will need to do your own research and tell the health visitor what you need. (Referrals etc) don’t wait for her to tell you what to do. You will need to take control x

My autistic godson has his head shaved at home (on a long setting) because he is terrified of the sound of scissors (too snippy)- it's worked really well as he can listen to the sound of the clippers before it goes near his head, if you se what I mean. It might not be what OP chooses to do- not my preferred look either- but it's not an "awful suggestion" by any means.

I’m so sorry @BargainBlunt this sounds like a nightmare for you.

I had very speech delayed twins at that age, they ‘acted out’ as in had a bit of a tantrum if they couldn’t make themselves understood, but genuinely nothing to this degree.

As hard as it might be for you, I think you need to start delegating everything to your husband. If he can’t or won’t be supportive, then he needs to experience this behaviour himself first. I can’t imagine how awful it just feel to basically hear your husband tell you it’s all in your mind and therefore your fault!

Gosh this sounds so hard. My children are older and NT so I have no advice but if he is classed as "summer born" ie after April, and he's about to turn 4, i would immediately start looking into delaying his school start until Sept 2024. The FB group Flexible School Admissions for Summer Borns is the best resource. I can't imagine he would be ready for school yet.

Also your husband needs to spend actual one on one time with him to see what you're dealing with, alone.

I'm wondering about him saying 'hair cup ouchy'. Does he think it's going to hurt? Could you let him cut a bit of your hair to show you can't feel it?

The behaviour in the hairdressers isn't normal behaviour. Keep making waves and pushing for support.

My son had an experience like this at the hairdresser at the same age (although he didn't lick anybody) I cried afterwards too. At the time I had this burning sense of shame and feeling like I'd failed him. Now I just feel guilty than I put him through that trauma. The hairdresser in my experience sounds similar to yours - a heavy handed approach (cornering the poor child!)

This was at the start of lockdown so after the experience I cut his hair myself at home (there was lots of screaming and crying involved and his hair was v long for a long time) when lockdown ended I got a mobile hairdresser to come to the house. She was very sympathetic and gradually he got used to having his hair cut.

Now it turned out he had a fear of the clippers - not sure if it was the noise or the buzzing or what. But that's what set him off and really started his phobia. When the hairdresser came out she promised to him that she would only use the scissors. When he started to look like he would kick off I calmly explained that he had a choice between the scissors or the clippers so if he wanted a scissor cut he would have to let the hairdresser cut it. So he got it cut, with less and less complaining every time.

Last month he asked me to take him to the barbers, and he asked for the clippers - he's nearly 6 now and he wants his hair to look like his little friends.

Now having said all this, my son is NT, and if you think your son may not be, this could all be irrelevant. But I just wanted to tell our story to let you know firstly you're not the only person who's been in that position and secondly there are ways and means of getting your child used to haircuts.

There are also the calming clippers you can buy online for cutting his hair yourself which could be useful. At the end of the day your DH and everyone else can blame you but they won't be the ones who go to the ends of the earth to help your child get through experiences like this that he struggles with, so who cares what they think and say. You're his mother and you know him best.

I also agree it sounds like he needs a referral to speech and language as a start. Do be prepared for quite a wait though.
On a practical note with regards to his hair, I have to do DSs whilst hes asleep as he won't tolerate having it cut at all. I'm certainly no stylist but I just keep on top of it enough to stop it getting too bad, do buy thinning scissors if you do as they don't give that obvious cut line.

I think you have some misinformed people around you OP.

You're absolutely right, this isn't typical behaviour at all. Even if you had no boundaries the average child doesn't do all of that.

I think he has additional needs. Your husband is either dismissive or ignorant. Unfortunately many men (and women) don't accept things can be down to anything other than permissive parenting. It suits him to blame you rather than address the real issue.

And anyway, where is he in all of this? Why is his behaviour only down to you and not him?

Personally I would look for a SEND parents group locally, somewhere you can talk to people who have experienced similar issues who won't dismiss you.

Your DH is being so unhelpful OP. No wonder you are doubting yourself.

I have a child of the same age who I think is full on, but nothing compared to what you have described so no, I don’t think it sounds normal.

I suspect your DH feels there’s nothing to worry about it because it doesn’t worry him - because he’s not dealing with it and therefore if it isn’t a problem to him he doesn’t believe it’s a problem. My DH can be the same.

It sounds really frustrating that nursery won’t actually share their concerns, an open conversation might be useful to you both. Could you ask to speak with the manager?

www.calmingclipper.com/

DH takes DS for a haircut I'd say -

I think what you are describing is unusual behaviour. I have 3 DC . DS 1 was a calm, easy going baby and child, good speech, pretty well-behaved. DD (now 5) was the opposite. She did not want to do anything we wanted her to do and would fight us on everything and had epic tantrums - food, clothes, visiting people, toys. Only wanted what she wanted. But never as extreme as you have described today.

I got really het up by her and became upset, tried to plan everything so she was prepared and it was exciting and it just made it worse. I realised it was much easier to minimise everything- just keep it casual, no fuss, not react to things, not make anything big, not control as much.

It took the pressure off the situations and although she was strong-willed she became much much easier. She wore shorts every day for about 18 months because she wouldn't wear anything else but so what? She managed better once she started nursery though. And her speech was good. At 5 1/2 she is coping really well at school and is absolutely fine.

I wonder if he has sensory issues- the hair on the face, the 'ouchy' cut, and also speech difficulties. Has he had a hearing test? You need some support from DH. If the nursery are concerned and the Health Visitor is concerned, they are spotting something that they think needs support. Your gut instinct as a mum is telling you the same. Go with it. Doesn't mean it's anything terrible but if support will help him he should have it.

Sending best wishes and love OP.

Children are hard work!

It does not matter if they have a condition or not.

Your DH sounds very unsupportive, maybe not intentionally, but it’s not helping.

How come you took him to the hairdressers and not your DH?
It would really help your DS to see his dad (and even you) getting their hair cut.

Many autistic kids cannot cope with their hair being cut (I have to cut my DDs) but as others have said he may not be autistic.

Do not be dismissive of trauma or anxiety as these issues can present just as ‘bad’, if not worse than many children who are autistic.

There is often an overlap of autism and anxiety and/or trauma and it’s usually quite difficult to tell which is which.

Your son has issues and is struggling.
It doesn’t really matter if he’s ND or NT as the things that are put in place to help him should be very similar.

My biggest piece of advice is to pick your battles.

If he can’t cope having his hair cut right now then don’t take him to the hairdressers.
Trim it when he is asleep if necessary.
If he behaves better for DH or GP then get them to do it.
They may not think he has autism but they do need to support you with his behaviour (especially DH).

Do not pander to him and make him spoilt but also don’t stress yourself and him out if there is an easier alternative.

Let your critical DH take him next time.

It would have been ideal for him to take him anyway. Dad gets a haircut then DS.

BTW building mundane things up like you did for a week often has the opposite effect.

You sound like a fantastic mum trying to deal with some really challenging behaviour with zero support. Adding to the virtual hugs

You poor thing 💐
if I had £1 for every time I’ve cried in my car over similar my son, I’d be minted. He is now 9, and finally being assessed after years of me being told if I was stricter/ firmer it would sort him. I just wanted to say I so understand and how undermining and unsupportive it is being gaslit by your partner. His behaviour is not due to anything you have or have not done.
I Agree with all the good advice already given. Big hugs.

Have you been to your GP? I see the nursery are pursuing something but are you doing that too?

Regarding hair cuts - I would just let it be long, there are only so many fights you can have.

Spent all week talking about it, showing him videos, reading books.

There’s also a balance between preparing a child and making them anxious about it.

Unfortunately that is going to be a balance you need to find out yourself.

I don’t believe in springing things on children unexpectedly, although this is part of the real world and there will be times when it’s unavoidable.

That sounds like you had no control at all. Climbing on people and continually running outside. Whilst there may well be other things at play here, that is quite shocking that he was repeatedly able to do these things. Do you honestly think you need to tighten up a little?

This doesn't sound entirely normal to me, my DS is 2.5 and also speaks in complete sentences.
He definitely at least needs a referally with salt.
The licking the walls, going manic sounds a bit extreme.. But not all kids like having their hair cut, have you tried giving him a treat while doing it like chocolate, or crisps? I sometimes have to do that to get mine to cooperate.

@BargainBlunt I have over 20 years experience working with young children and this is way off the parameters of "normal" behaviour. I suspect your husband and others are in complete denial. The simple truth is that is easier for them to blame you for having poor parenting skills than it is to accept that your child has SN.

I've seen varying degrees of this type of behaviour from parents over the years and it heartbreaking.

Bottom line - you need help and support. Given the state of NHS services right now I'd advise going private if you can. Do some research online. When my son was going through a nightmare time I enlisted the help of a child psychologist and it was the best decision I ever made. She gave me tips and techniques to work with him that literally changed our lives. It was expensive but worth every penny.