To have cried over DS behaviour?

[BargainBlunt]

DS is 3.5.

Nursery have called in the local authority to provide advice/support on DS. They aren't saying much more, just that there are concerns. I have spoken to GP who is v. dismissive, I completed forms but have since been told by HV I was given out of date forms by GP so now have to wait for them to have rejected and then can 'do other forms but little chance of being seen for 2 years or so", HV tells me not to bother as "it's not autism but anxiety" due to 'trauma' (she thinks covid plus moving house means trauma is causing the behavioural issues). Family and DH tell me there is nothing going on...just need to be firmer, DS takes the piss out of me cos he can etc.

Anyway, just tried to take DS for a haircut. A special kids place with cars. Spent all week talking about it, showing him videos, reading books. He was excited about going this morning. I even booked a double appointment to allow for all the tears and refusal.

DS tried to wreck the place. He licked the walls. He tried to lick the receptionist's face in a kind of mania. He climbed on top of strangers. He ran out into the street and road numerous times. He lay down in the street. Wouldn't let me near him. The hairdresser tried to corner him at one point and he screamed like a wild animal. We gave up after 40 mins. He then tried to run into random houses on the way home. Hid in a bush.

I cried in the car and called DH. DH told me I was making it all a bigger deal than it needed to be

"Stop over thinking everything"

I honestly feel like I'm gaslit. We keep having episodes like that and DH, GP, MiL, HV keep telling me it's just 'some kids'. Nursery staff seem to think something going on for DS too but everyone close to me thinks I'm being dramatic.

DH said me crying was making it all worse.

DS apologised in the car. Said he was scared. Kept saying "hair cup ouchy" and "sorry mummy". Which did make me feel awful. Should I not let him see me upset?

Hairdresser at one point said "poor boy has got his hair all in his eyes. you need to get that sorted mum" while I was trying to pin him down so he wouldn't tear the posters off the wall.

I mean....it's upsetting isn't it? I feel like everyone is saying basically this is normal mum stuff and I'm just not coping.

Am I being OTT? Do I just need to get my shit together? Is parenting a 3 year old boy really just this hard? I am finding it really hard to not tearful and DH is getting frustrated with me.

@BargainBlunt apologies if I don’t structure everything well but I have several thoughts.
You are not doing a bad job and your love of your little boy is evident. As is your awareness of his need for extra support in the way you tried to make accommodations for his visit to the hair dresser. It sounds like you have a different approach to your DH which is not unusual with parenting but often accentuated and more difficult to
reconcile when children have more intense needs and the dynamic can become more difficult to manage. Can you discuss this outside of any incidents and when emotions are not as high. It sounds like you both need support in understanding your DS and that needs to be communicated to DH too. Your sons reactions are not typical and it’s very unlikely it’s because you are messing it all up.

DS sounds out of control in terms of his own emotional regulation and it’s hard for him and you. I think it’s hard to look at things developmentally and diagnostically yourself as he is little and everyone pushes back - more so currently with resources so stretched. What has been offered? What screening forms have you been given. Have you been given the social communication questionnaire or similar (Autism pre assessment screening) and relevant developmental questionnaires?

The fact that nursery have concerns is significant and no one can say whether he will definitely not need an IEP or EHCP at this stage. What geographical area are you in? Asking so I can have a look at services as I may be more familiar with how to navigate this. It may be worth looking at Early Help or something more intensive that is open to self referral to increase your evidence that he needs further assessment and support. What is his play like and how is he around other children?

If he is not developing typically then delaying school could be counterproductive depending on whether it’s solely neurodevelopmental or trauma/anxiety (although they are not entirely separate).

in terms of behaviour can you start to record incidences and look at patterns and triggers. Even if it seems there aren’t any it can be useful both for you and if you are seeking support. Try and include time of day and detail regarding what has happened before and after as well as who is involved and the physical environment. 3 is difficult anyway but even more difficult when your child is struggling.

Last thought re hair - can you get a calm mobile hairdresser. Maybe to do your hair and then just a little bit on DS and repeat even if it takes several visits.

if your son behaves normally sometimes, then perhaps keep a diary of food, what he does everyday, to identify what triggers these behaviours.
Would definitely recommend cutting tv time, processed foods & spending plenty of time outdoors, add in vitamin d supplementation - amongst other things these calmed my son who behaved like this.

An autism diagnosis won't change the the behaviour....

If your husband is such a great dad he can do the next haircut, I can guarantee you it’ll turn out the same. My son has a hearing impairments and could not tolerate having his head touched. I used to pin him done and give him buzz cut. He didn’t speak till he was 3.5 years old and was the most hyperactive destructive toddler I’ve ever met.
Other people have recommended a private SALT, I do too. Although it was a long road it was well worth it. Hugely expensive and I had to pawn my wedding jewellery to afford it.

An autism diagnosis could very well change the behaviour actually because it will enable adults to use appropriate strategies to support him to feel regulated so that the behaviour calms.

@Anothermother3 Thanks so much for all that help

I actually have a meeting with the nursery in a couple of weeks. They are in contact with the local authority about strategies to help with my son. The nursery asked the local authority to come do a nursery observation but the LA said they don't do them anymore. But they sent some info over about to support him and have since introduced a tent. I have asked for the local authority to come to the meeting in the next couple of weeks and they said they will see what they can do.

I live in Essex by the way.

The nursery aren't being particularly nice about it - I can tell the keyworker thinks DS is a right pain. But they are being supportive in the sense that they are doing something

They keep telling me I need to pursue it with the GP which I have done - I completed the forms he gave me but nothign since. The GP was v dismissive on the phone and said all sounded like normal kid stuff

I will go private if that will help

The main thing is getting him into a primary school that udnerstands. I found one which seems really good but don't know if I will get in as I'm not that close and there is one much closer.

Should I call the local authority directly? I saw the email address of the person they're in contact with on a chain of emails between the LA and the nursery that I was then included on.

I feel like i'm banging my head against walls.

I did already go to private speech and language once but they wreen't v helpful and said DS was a "conundrum" but they did say that would they would do a nursery observation to write a report so I could do that. I know his speech isn't where it should be. He gets v. confused and says things to me like "where is mummy?" when talkign to me. He also calls everyone Charlie. And things like up/down hot/cold he can't remember

@Barwickunited Yeah - I will start to sell stuff - thinking I might sell my clothes on Vinted or something. Not that will make much money! Thank you for the support!

Get used to advocating! Keep a diary detailing everything. Keep pushing with the nursery. They should be detailing in writing where he is in all areas of the early years curriculum. If he is behind, they should be planning what to do and then showing if their interventions work or not. If not, you can use this as evidence that they can't meet his needs. You should be referred to Early Help who will organise Team around the family (TAF) meetings with a multi disciplinary team including teacher, senco, specialist teacher, LA etc. Don't let them fob you off! Keep your diary, apply for DLA, keep going. If you think specialist school would be better, keep going.

Oh and yes nurseries and teachers will try to make you feel like it's all on you. But it's not. Especially when gets to school,it's worth reminding them that every child deserves an education and disability discrimination is real.

Does he like Bing? My DS is autistic and calls everyone Charlie too 😂

Sounds very much like my boy at that age. Haircuts where a disaster as was most other things. I remember taking him to get new shoes. He scremed the place down, kicked the box and it hit the lady fitting him on the head as it flew across the room. He is still age 10 awaiting ASD assessment so push sooner. We do have a diagnosis of DLD, dyslexia, social communication difficulties and anxiety. He has a statement of educational needs and has a 1 to 1

I’m also guessing you’ve had his hearing tested and if not I’d also recommend it. He needs a routine hearing check and typmpanometry to check for glue ear.

www.neessexccg.nhs.uk/neurodevelopmental-disorder-services-0-25

Neurodevelopmental early help for North Essex if that doesn’t apply I’m happy to dig a bit more. Alternatively you can contact them and ask who covers your area as they will know. There is self referral there for the initial step (neurodevelopmental early help service) and info and just getting support on how to navigate the system.

I think going private too early might not be the answer as it’s easier to get services within the NHS to refer to each other (not easy but easier than trying to get private and NHS to communicate). The other thing is that private for diagnostic purposes can be helpful if you know exactly what assessment is needed but detailed speech and OT reports that then recommend loads of sessions that NHS don’t have the remit to provide may not be what is helpful. If the initial self referral isn’t enough to get someone to support you to assessment then nursery can make the referral (as opposed to the HV and GP who don’t have direct experience of your DS) but you may need to guide them in the right direction - tell them exactly which form to fill and where to submit it (hence needing to navigate the system).

I have a fairly good understanding of the system (although it differs depending on which area you are in) so happy to try and help a bit.

Contact these people
www.essexsendiass.co.uk

My 12 year old niece did all these things at 3/4 (I lived with my sister until last year!) She was SUCH hard work, the hardest of all 3 of my sisters kids. Had imaginary friends she played with, had all the meltdowns, ran off (and out of doors!) In shops etc, even had a poo in the doorway of a shop 🤦‍♂️ shed randomly strip in public, refused to wear clothes because the seams felt horrible, socks too. She didnt get on with other children etc.. she would walk around with her hands over her ears, shouted and screamed constantly, she was an actual bloody nightmare, And totally impossible to be around..
I dont have any advice really, my sister never seemed fazed by it - but I just wanted to say, she is now THE nicest child/(nearly) teen, she's loving, holds adult conversations well, is empathetic/sympathetic, works hard and an absolute credit to her parents, she's lovely, you wouldn't have known she ever behaved that way (I think all the behaviour stopped when she reached 5 or 6) x

What emotion is your H masking with anger?

My guess is fear - he's not in his comfort zone. He's not in control.

Sit him down and try to communicate to him how hard his anger makes your role as parents. Try not to blame him for your child's behaviour, or link it to his maladaptive response, but I think your child is reacting to his father's problem here.

How often does your H shout at DS?

What is the usual way he expresses anger?

What are the top three emotions your H expresses daily?

This type of behaviour isn't normal at all. Please go with your gut instinct Mumma, we generally know best.
My Son was very similar from a very young age. His behaviour escalated, and my parenting was often questioned. The only person who truly saw his behaviour were myself and my Mum. His Dad, now ex partner was and still is in complete denial. He was diagnosed with Autism aged 7. Things have called down, he's almost 11 now. I hope things get easier for uou

Thank you so much for all the help! It means a lot.

DH has gone out for the PM and night. Had a lovely time. Actually v calm and DS being such a sweetheart. He tells me loves me all the time and loves a cuddle. At home it is wonderful. Its the outside world that's the issue but my family keep telling me I've got to teach him to operate on the "real world" etc I mean he goes to nursery so he's not isolated or anything. It's new stuff or places or where there is any kind of pressure or any kind of waiting. God does he hate waiting! Ha ha!

Anyway rambling on. You lot are magic. Is it an unmumsnet thing to say? Probably. So much advice for me to work through. Thank you

I'm so sorry op how stressful for you. I agree that this is not normal behaviour & I would work with nursery to address these behaviours & if you can afford it a private referral to S&LT. With regard to his hair, some hairdressers specialise in support for children with sensory & challenging behaviour when having a haircut. Perhaps you could ask around or social media if there is anyone in your area. Your husband sounds like he's in denial about your son. It must be so exhausting for you. 💐

@BargainBlunt come and join us on the sen boards when you're ready, we're a friendly bunch!

If you’re in Essex I’d look into whether an assessment here would be affordable privately www.autism.org.uk/directory/t/the-nas-lorna-wing-centre-for-autism

Sounds like your DP’s parenting style makes things worse.

Of course he loves you, because you're a lovely mummy who knows her little one so well.

Whatever he is or isn't he'll be fine, because he has you as his mummy.

I remember this:

“At home it is wonderful. Its the outside world that's the issue”

used to want to go live on an island!
it’s all about bridging this gap, starting with his dad

@BargainBlunt ‘At home it is wonderful. Its the outside world that's the issue’ you’ve summed it up perfectly here.