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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder what has happened amd what I do now re DH?

175 replies

Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 13/01/2023 11:23

Married around 20 years with 2 x teenagers. All been good at home with busy jobs and children's needs/school etc but lots of "I love you's", genuinely wanting to be together and making plans for the future.

But DH bit "tetchy" about few things Tuesday night, like kids interrupting, and got in bit of a strop. Now I thought he was worried re some work/money stuff he'd been sorting out, was tired from long hours (15 shifts sometimes) and that it would just blow over. Horrible atmosphere and he stayed up until 4am watching TV. Didn't really see him Wednesday am as is normal to be fair, but basically got told when got in Wednesday evening that he had been unhappy for ages, that I didn't love him, treated him like a cash cow and a second class citizen, and that he didn't know if he wanted a divorce. However he also went onto say hated where we were and that should sell the house and split the equity. Obviously a bit shocked but short but calm talk.....not that he would really listen to me and told me if I thought he was someone who would talk to a stranger (counselling) then I didn't know him at all. At which point I said it sounds like you have made your decision as didn't want to try and save the marriage. He's still considering his options!
Since then has been horrible at home, icily polite shall we say. I just don't know where this has all come from and quite what to do now. There is definitely no other woman. Apparently it's my fault he has no life or friends....he chooses the hours though and I gave always fitted around them and made sure things are covered and he has plenty of time to do other things and of course I don't stop him.

Trouble is now, even if he decides he does love me and was just upset about something else, I don't know when to believe him as has always been so sure of telling me he loved me etc. Is this a mid-life crisis? What should I do and is this recoverable?...

OP posts:
Relocatiorelocation · 13/01/2023 11:26

He's met someone else and is giving you The Script.

DoctorMartin · 13/01/2023 11:26

I'm sorry Sad
But please don't assume there's no other woman just because he's busy and you're not sure when he'd find the time. Unfortunately it rarely works like that, they find time somehow.,.

Dillydollydingdong · 13/01/2023 11:27

Yes there is an OW, or at least someone he's got his eye on. It might be a mid life crisis, but don't be hurried into putting the house up for sale. This is something that you need to take your time over.

ExplodingCarrots · 13/01/2023 11:32

This is The Script. You can never be certain there isn't an OW.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 13/01/2023 11:34

There is another woman, I have no doubt.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 13/01/2023 11:35

Google Rosie Green - I think her website is called LifesRosie.

growinggreyer · 13/01/2023 11:36

Are you working at the moment? It sounds like you need to start getting yourself sorted out to be independent. Maybe you can sort something out where you keep the house until your youngest is through education - I would hope for end of Uni/college not 18 but that might not be possible. Don't agree to anything just ask him what he thinks should happen. Where will the children live, where will they go to school etc. Can you communicate by email so he is on the record?

PollyPut · 13/01/2023 11:38

Could this be depression talking? Could he go to the GP?

Did he mention what might happen to the children or is he only thinking about himself?

LordSugarTits · 13/01/2023 11:39

"There is definitely no other woman." Yes there is and he's giving you the script.

"Is this a mid-life crisis?" No, a mid-life crisis is something made up by women to excuse cheating men. You wait, next it'll be "could he be depressed?"

Ryin · 13/01/2023 11:40

Do you work? x

LordSugarTits · 13/01/2023 11:40

Fucking hell. There it is, right as I typed 🤣

OnlyFannys · 13/01/2023 11:41

Relocatiorelocation · 13/01/2023 11:26

He's met someone else and is giving you The Script.

My first thoughts exactly

Coffeellama · 13/01/2023 11:42

Having been through this relatively recently, there’s more than likely another woman. I thought it wasn’t possible as he didn’t go anywhere other than work and home and worked really long hours. But actually his hours weren’t that long and yep he was with the OW. Don’t no how they found the time really but they did. They are still happily together now and he turned into a different person over night.

maddening · 13/01/2023 11:43

So sorry op, I would be both digging and getting all ducks in a row - paperwork bank accounts, pictures etc, he may be many steps ahead of you so use the time now while you are still processing to get stuff sorted out.

Yellowflowerr · 13/01/2023 11:46

maddening · 13/01/2023 11:43

So sorry op, I would be both digging and getting all ducks in a row - paperwork bank accounts, pictures etc, he may be many steps ahead of you so use the time now while you are still processing to get stuff sorted out.

Hate to say it but this is probably sensible. I don’t think you can really come back from that to be honest :(

ImBlueDab · 13/01/2023 11:46

Someone has turned his head. Sorry op hits the script to a T.

Best thing you can do, is tell him if he's unhappy then you'll agree to separate. Don't so the 'pick me dance'. Speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand. Don't agree any financial things until you've done this.

Take control.

Original poster
Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 13/01/2023 11:47

Yes I work full time, he works effectively more than full time but over 3 or 4 days. I know this sounds silly but he has family history of people having affairs and abuse and he is so not up for either that I know it isn't possible. He probably is depressed or something like that but even if we somehow get over it, I feel like trust has gone. Feels like things are stuffed regardless .... Financially I could manage. Would love to stay in the house if it came to it but wouldn't be able to buy him out. Just seems a genuine change in character ...

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 13/01/2023 11:47

When did this actually start? Was there really no indication he was unhappy before this incident?

Summerlark · 13/01/2023 11:49

Of course there is another woman or somebody he thinks he might have a chance with. You did say he had plenty of time to do other things and of course you don't stop him. If you are not working, I'd be looking for a job.

It might blow over of course if the OW is not interested in a long term relationship with a couple of resentful teenagers cluttering up her weekend or doesn't want to leave her husband etc. And of course if he does move in with her it might not turn out to be what he expects when she is asking him to take out the rubbish.

Personally I'd be through with him though because I couldn't live with this kind of disloyalty.

Ryin · 13/01/2023 11:49

So his comments about using him as a cash cow are unfouded. I'd sit him down and have an honest conversation both sides to see where this has all come from. But sadly no I think it's done whatever the outcome. How can it ever go back to how it was before? I don't think it can.

forrestgreen · 13/01/2023 11:49

My ex knew exactly where I stood re affairs. He gaslit, caused arguments. Worked 6 or 7 days a week, evenings too. Still had an affair

Bestcatmum · 13/01/2023 11:49

I'm sorry there is another woman. They do this every single time. Deflect the fault onto you. It's such a cliche it's almost laughable.
Be prepared and get your ducks in a row.

Ryin · 13/01/2023 11:50

Obviously 99% of people here are referencing affair. Of course its possible, but there's a million other reasons people's relationships can break down too!

Heartsofstone · 13/01/2023 11:50

I have felt similarly to how you describe your dh and there was definitely not any interest anyone else. 1000 percent nope, just tired of the drudge and monotonous daily grind. People can be unhappy without having found someone else. Talk about when he was last happy… try to get that back. If you can or want to, it’s shit to be told how unhappy he is, not sure if there is coming back from that.

Original poster
Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 13/01/2023 11:51

There's been the odd moment kind of thing but nothing like this. Even he has said he wonders if he has adhd or something similar which to be fair I would agree with. Has all sorts of ideas but when they are plain impractical or stupid they aren't even up for discussion and he gets a but miffed but short and sweet and generally eventually says he agrees...just thinks things through differently. All fine through Christmas amd all the whole always

OP posts: