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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder what has happened amd what I do now re DH?

175 replies

Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 13/01/2023 11:23

Married around 20 years with 2 x teenagers. All been good at home with busy jobs and children's needs/school etc but lots of "I love you's", genuinely wanting to be together and making plans for the future.

But DH bit "tetchy" about few things Tuesday night, like kids interrupting, and got in bit of a strop. Now I thought he was worried re some work/money stuff he'd been sorting out, was tired from long hours (15 shifts sometimes) and that it would just blow over. Horrible atmosphere and he stayed up until 4am watching TV. Didn't really see him Wednesday am as is normal to be fair, but basically got told when got in Wednesday evening that he had been unhappy for ages, that I didn't love him, treated him like a cash cow and a second class citizen, and that he didn't know if he wanted a divorce. However he also went onto say hated where we were and that should sell the house and split the equity. Obviously a bit shocked but short but calm talk.....not that he would really listen to me and told me if I thought he was someone who would talk to a stranger (counselling) then I didn't know him at all. At which point I said it sounds like you have made your decision as didn't want to try and save the marriage. He's still considering his options!
Since then has been horrible at home, icily polite shall we say. I just don't know where this has all come from and quite what to do now. There is definitely no other woman. Apparently it's my fault he has no life or friends....he chooses the hours though and I gave always fitted around them and made sure things are covered and he has plenty of time to do other things and of course I don't stop him.

Trouble is now, even if he decides he does love me and was just upset about something else, I don't know when to believe him as has always been so sure of telling me he loved me etc. Is this a mid-life crisis? What should I do and is this recoverable?...

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 13/01/2023 12:48

I'd be asking him to move out while you decide what you want to do. Don't let him think he calls all the shots here. Let him know that you are not just sitting there waiting for him to decide whether to divorce you or not. Let it be known that you are in 2 minds as to whether you would even take him back after what he's said.
Tell him you don't want this hanging over you for months on end and so you will be making your decisions by x date .
Meanwhile, get the house valued and take legal advice.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 12:50

Sorry OP but I would put money on this being an affair or at least him contemplating an affair.

Someone saying they disapprove of affairs/have an unpleasant history with affairs and abuse is just words. It's no guarantee whatsoever. Men know what women want to hear and they are good at delivering it.

When someone out of the blue says they're not happy in the marriage/no longer in love etc it's almost always to do with a third party.

Tiredness/financial problems/ADHD etc are all stress factors but if those are the only issues then you want more from your partner, not less.

I would get legal advice ASAP.

AllOfThemWitches · 13/01/2023 12:52

You do all realise he might not be the sort of man that women are clamouring to get to right?

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 12:53

AllOfThemWitches · 13/01/2023 12:52

You do all realise he might not be the sort of man that women are clamouring to get to right?

I very much doubt he is, but that hasn't stopped large numbers of middle aged men convincing themselves that the perky blonde in accounts sees a lifetime of happiness with him.

Onnabugeisha · 13/01/2023 12:56

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 12:53

I very much doubt he is, but that hasn't stopped large numbers of middle aged men convincing themselves that the perky blonde in accounts sees a lifetime of happiness with him.

Show quote history

This is starting to sound like people are advising on the basis of a story line in Eastenders…

endofthelinefinally · 13/01/2023 12:57

Relocatiorelocation · 13/01/2023 11:26

He's met someone else and is giving you The Script.

This was my first thought OP.

Ask MN to move your thread to relationships. (Just report your OP and ask for it to be moved). You will get lots of good advice and support on there. AIBU is not the best place to post in this situation. So sorry your H is behaving like this.

5128gap · 13/01/2023 12:57

TellMeWhere · 13/01/2023 12:44

It's true it does read as typical affair script, but also people on here do love an affair.

Maybe he's been unhappy for ages and pretending that he's fine? Maybe OP is oblivious to his feelings and has missed signs along the way? Maybe he is indeed depressed or similar - it can trigger a flight response in some people.

Either way, he's said what his feelings are and I would take him at his word. I wouldn't be able to move forward with him so agree you should get your ducks in a row and start figuring out what happens next.

I'm not sure it's that people love affairs. More a recognition that it's a sufficiently likely reason for this type of behaviour that it's best to try and rule it out before worrying yourself silly about your partners mental health; trying to access support for him that he neither wants or needs, investing in 'helping' him, taking on more of the load for example, changing your own behaviour; only to find it was another woman all along.
I agree with your advice to the OP.

AllOfThemWitches · 13/01/2023 12:57

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 12:53

I very much doubt he is, but that hasn't stopped large numbers of middle aged men convincing themselves that the perky blonde in accounts sees a lifetime of happiness with him.

Show quote history

Very cliché.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 13/01/2023 12:58

OP,sounds exactly like what my DH did.
5 kids
23 years
Work stress, long hours etc
I didn’t make him feel loved, or needed
The kids got on his nerves with noise/ mess/ etc
Not happy
Not sure what he wanted
His dad cheated on his mum and his ex cheated on him before we got together, so I 100% knew he’d never do the same
Except that he did
Left me hanging on a hook, believing him, me defending him against even his friends telling me that he was lying.
And then I found out that he’d just been seeing my friend behind my back, they were working together, and I’d asked him to keep an eye on her when her own marriage broke down
More fool me, eh?

It’s not a “dead cert” but tbh, I’d get legal advice sooner rather than later, and make a plan for your own future. The moment I found out that my ex had just been lying to me, I signed up for a college course - was a life saver for me.

Good luck … you deserve better than that
(and btw, DON’T let him blame you … it’s not your fault if he wants to dip his dick somewhere else)

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 12:58

@AllOfThemWitches

Men are nothing if not cliched. They are terrifyingly predictable.

Original poster
Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 13/01/2023 13:01

He is normally a lovely man but even he would admit he not a looker now! I would bet my life that it isn't an affair but one of the other reasons people have raised. I have kept calm and polite and told him he has some space.....but still looked at what it could mean for me and the kids. He thinks he's been shut out but that's just practical issues and everything else planned and done together. Haven't and wouldn't stop him doing anything social and have in fact encouraged him. Re the money side of things, generally me that sorts banking etc but pretty much gets to buy and do what he wants as long as know the bills are paid. He's lashing out and I get that, but it's where we go from here if he can't or won't talk to me properly

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 13/01/2023 13:02

If your convinced he is not having an affair - ask to see his phone

5128gap · 13/01/2023 13:02

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 12:53

I very much doubt he is, but that hasn't stopped large numbers of middle aged men convincing themselves that the perky blonde in accounts sees a lifetime of happiness with him.

Show quote history

Or finding an AP who is a similar age and attractiveness level to themselves. Not all OW are stereotypical young beauties who 'turn a man's head' They can often be fairly ordinary woman who they click with, get attention from, enjoy the novelty of. They also don't need them to be clamouring, they only need one.

NewYearNewName2023 · 13/01/2023 13:04

DelphiniumBlue · 13/01/2023 12:48

I'd be asking him to move out while you decide what you want to do. Don't let him think he calls all the shots here. Let him know that you are not just sitting there waiting for him to decide whether to divorce you or not. Let it be known that you are in 2 minds as to whether you would even take him back after what he's said.
Tell him you don't want this hanging over you for months on end and so you will be making your decisions by x date .
Meanwhile, get the house valued and take legal advice.

This. You so often hear 'he's considering his options' but he's not the only one in the relationship, and he doesn't get to make all the decisions (at his own leisure) and make your life hell while he does

You need to be clear that given what he says, you are also considering your options, and regardless of whether he magnanimously decides to stay, that may no longer be an option

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 13:07

@5128gap

Fair enough, the perky blonde was straight out of central casting, its a fair shout. Doesn't change the fact that I'm 90% sure it's an affair or a prot-affair.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 13:08

proto affair sorry

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 13/01/2023 13:08

All the posters saying that affairs aren’t the only reason for a marriage ending are correct. I know several people women who have left for other reasons. But every men I know who has ended a marriage had the next partner lined up - either because they were having an affair or because they had their eye on someone else.

AnnieFarmer · 13/01/2023 13:09

AllOfThemWitches · 13/01/2023 12:52

You do all realise he might not be the sort of man that women are clamouring to get to right?

Affairs don't work that way. They aren’t exclusive to people who cave in to the temptation of multiple admirers. They can happen to anyone.

AllOfThemWitches · 13/01/2023 13:11

AnnieFarmer · 13/01/2023 13:09

Affairs don't work that way. They aren’t exclusive to people who cave in to the temptation of multiple admirers. They can happen to anyone.

Show quote history

Well my point was, what makes you think anyone else wants him?

AnnieFarmer · 13/01/2023 13:12

AllOfThemWitches · 13/01/2023 13:11

Well my point was, what makes you think anyone else wants him?

Show quote history

Again, it doesn’t work that way. Affairs can happen to anyone.

5128gap · 13/01/2023 13:13

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 13:07

@5128gap

Fair enough, the perky blonde was straight out of central casting, its a fair shout. Doesn't change the fact that I'm 90% sure it's an affair or a prot-affair.

Indeed. I was agreeing with you. Inability to attract a gorgeous younger woman is no barrier to having an affair with a different type of woman.

AlwaysBelieveInYourSoul · 13/01/2023 13:14

Of course a mid life crisis is a thing. Sure it's not an official medical diagnosis but plenty of people in middle age have a psychological or psychiatric episode which is triggered by circumstances of mid-life. That feeling that you're getting old and life has been mundane and disappointing. That feeling that you've been grinding away on the treadmill of life for decades. Feelings like this can be the start of an emotional then mental decline.
My DH had a mid life crisis at 48. He was threatened with redundancy and it triggered a terrible mental health episode, from which he never recovered, drinking and starving himself to death 15 months later.
There was no other woman.

Itisbetter · 13/01/2023 13:16

I would say he’s ashamed of something but it’s just as likely to be debt as a woman. Ask him if he’s run up a credit card or ten somewhere?

Hellno44 · 13/01/2023 13:17

I would take legal advice an go with it TBH. if he changes his mind then don't make it easy for him and take him straight back. I would insist on counselling before you'll even consider it. Don't beg. Don't do the pick me dance.

WestwardHo1 · 13/01/2023 13:19

His head is busy turning himself into the victim. Everything he is suddenly unhappy with in his life is the fault of the easiest nearby target i.e. you. Therefore he will act as vile as possible in order to bait you into reacting, therefore justifying in his own head that he is right in feeling this way and you are indeed a horrible person, and that he deserves a better life. In fact he is entitled to a remarkable life, free from the responsibilities and drudgery that women frequently just get on with.

It's laughably transparent.

There's also the distinct possibility which is so, so common that he has a crush on someone younger - someone who Life has not kicked yet, so in his eyes is everything that you are not. It's actually immaterial whether it's an affair or not.
I'm not saying this is a definite - just that it is common.

Voice of bitter experience? Oh yes. I told myself it was depression, a mid life crisis, that he needed counselling, that he needed help - all these things were true, but he was determined that it was my fault and so off he went. Four years later I am finally divorced and he is living with his younger woman. I don't know if life with her is everything he dreamed it would be. Not really interested.