Page 7 | AIBU to wonder what has happened amd what I do now re DH?

Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 2023-01-13T11:23:05+00:00

Married around 20 years with 2 x teenagers. All been good at home with busy jobs and children's needs/school etc but lots of "I love you's", genuinely wanting to be together and making plans for the future. But DH bit "tetchy" about few things Tuesday night, like kids interrupting, and got in bit of a strop. Now I thought he was worried re some work/money stuff he'd been sorting out, was tired from long hours (15 shifts sometimes) and that it would just blow over. Horrible atmosphere and he stayed up until 4am watching TV. Didn't really see him Wednesday am as is normal to be fair, but basically got told when got in Wednesday evening that he had been unhappy for ages, that I didn't love him, treated him like a cash cow and a second class citizen, and that he didn't know if he wanted a divorce. However he also went onto say hated where we were and that should sell the house and split the equity. Obviously a bit shocked but short but calm talk.....not that he would really listen to me and told me if I thought he was someone who would talk to a stranger (counselling) then I didn't know him at all. At which point I said it sounds like you have made your decision as didn't want to try and save the marriage. He's still considering his options! Since then has been horrible at home, icily polite shall we say. I just don't know where this has all come from and quite what to do now. There is definitely no other woman. Apparently it's my fault he has no life or friends....he chooses the hours though and I gave always fitted around them and made sure things are covered and he has plenty of time to do other things and of course I don't stop him. Trouble is now, even if he decides he does love me and was just upset about something else, I don't know when to believe him as has always been so sure of telling me he loved me etc. Is this a mid-life crisis? What should I do and is this recoverable?...

biscuiteer · 13/01/2023 18:11

Tamarindtree I think that's really possible. Just having the idea planted that the grass is greener elsewhere..

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 13/01/2023 18:11

LordSugarTits · 13/01/2023 12:18

"But not always, there could be a million other reasons.

👉 Grew apart
👉 Midlife crisis
👉 Feeling taken advantage of financially
👉 Feeling taken advantage of in other ways
👉 Not feeling appreciated
👉 Money stresses that have escalated
👉 Depression
👉 Affair
👉 Wanting someone new in your life
👉 And so on"

Like I said not always. The OP says they haven't grown apart, a mid-life crisis is not a thing. Money and taken advantage of - well he'd be clearer wouldn't he if that was the case. Depression - no. "And so on" is something else you've added to make your list look longer 😆 and the two that remain are that he is or wishes to shag about.

Like yourself, I've no doubt there's an OW but there is definitely a thing akin to a mid life crisis called the happiness bell curve.

LordSugarTits · 13/01/2023 18:57

@ChateauxNeufDePoop the happiness bell curve isn't something I believe to be true, it's a nice thought if you're heading towards old age, but that's it.

Yes, there are many stressors in middle age, life can become dull, things can happen that cause mental health crises. This is true of any age.

The one thing that stands out about the "midlife crisis" is that it's almost exclusively applied to middle aged men who cheat or try to. As soon as a man aged anywhere between 35 and 60 cheats or is suspected of cheating or looks like he's trying to cheat (new car, joins gym, new haircut) there are women at every turn saying, "oh it could be a midlife crisis". We don't apply the term to hardly anything or anyone else.

theconversation.com/amp/the-u-shaped-happiness-curve-is-wrong-many-people-do-not-get-happier-as-they-get-older-189490

FunnyWorldWeLiveIn · 13/01/2023 18:59

I've been here too :(

FunnyWorldWeLiveIn · 13/01/2023 19:04

I also thought mine would never cheat. Ever. He did.

Original poster

Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 14/01/2023 14:22

Little update. Long chat and he was already embarrassed that in his words he'd flipped. It was as I suspected a stress reaction and he genuinely can't recall some of the things he said. He is genuinely upset. As I said all along, there is no other woman- I know him and how he reacts to things and this was never my concern although I absolutely get this is similar to the "script". But now I have tried to get him to realise that he can be as apologetic as he likes, but at the time he meant those things......and I can't just either unhear or forget those things. He knows we need to work on things as gets that I told him I can't fully trust him at this moment at least, as how do I know which version is completely true...

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 15/01/2023 14:06

Not surprised you're upset. These things can't be unsaid. Does he realise how hard it is for you to trust and believe him now?

GabriellaMontez · 15/01/2023 14:06

Not surprised you're upset. These things can't be unsaid. Does he realise how hard it is for you to trust and believe him now?

Lara53 · 15/01/2023 20:50

Sounds eerily familiar except in my case there is absolutely an OW. Hugs x

Blondewithredlips · 15/01/2023 22:56

Chechez la femme

Blondewithredlips · 15/01/2023 22:57

Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 14/01/2023 14:22

Little update. Long chat and he was already embarrassed that in his words he'd flipped. It was as I suspected a stress reaction and he genuinely can't recall some of the things he said. He is genuinely upset. As I said all along, there is no other woman- I know him and how he reacts to things and this was never my concern although I absolutely get this is similar to the "script". But now I have tried to get him to realise that he can be as apologetic as he likes, but at the time he meant those things......and I can't just either unhear or forget those things. He knows we need to work on things as gets that I told him I can't fully trust him at this moment at least, as how do I know which version is completely true...

You are being very naive. Your marriage is over. Someone has turned his head or worse.

Tamarindtree · 16/01/2023 04:30

‘Genuinely can’t recall some of the things he said!’

Give me strength.

What a stupid excuse to not take responsibility for what he said.

He didn’t just wake up one morning feeling stressed and then hit you with a stream of horrible things about how he doesn’t want to be with you!

There is undoubtably someone else whispering in his ear.

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/01/2023 05:33

If what he's saying is true - that it was stress and he "genuinely can't remember " some of the things he said then he must be perilously close to a breakdown (normal amounts of stress don't cause amnesia). So he needs to go speak to a doctor about his mh as a matter of urgency. If he refuses to do this I suggest you think long and hàrd about where you go from here.

Eyerollcentral · 16/01/2023 05:33

Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 13/01/2023 11:47

Yes I work full time, he works effectively more than full time but over 3 or 4 days. I know this sounds silly but he has family history of people having affairs and abuse and he is so not up for either that I know it isn't possible. He probably is depressed or something like that but even if we somehow get over it, I feel like trust has gone. Feels like things are stuffed regardless .... Financially I could manage. Would love to stay in the house if it came to it but wouldn't be able to buy him out. Just seems a genuine change in character ...

@Confusedandunsureofwhattodo i’m sorry you are going through this but you are kidding yourself that he wouldn’t have an affair because there were loads of affairs carried out by adults in his childhood. Statistically he is the number one candidate to have an affair. I would ask him to stay elsewhere for a week to just get him out of your face.

Eyerollcentral · 16/01/2023 05:43

Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 14/01/2023 14:22

Little update. Long chat and he was already embarrassed that in his words he'd flipped. It was as I suspected a stress reaction and he genuinely can't recall some of the things he said. He is genuinely upset. As I said all along, there is no other woman- I know him and how he reacts to things and this was never my concern although I absolutely get this is similar to the "script". But now I have tried to get him to realise that he can be as apologetic as he likes, but at the time he meant those things......and I can't just either unhear or forget those things. He knows we need to work on things as gets that I told him I can't fully trust him at this moment at least, as how do I know which version is completely true...

Sorry but he is full of it. Lost his temper, can’t remember what he said? No, lost his temper and went too far, no way he doesn’t recall what he said and even if that was true I haven’t heard an apology. Just that he is embarrassed. You are sleepwalking OP. I know it’s easier to accept what he has said - or rather what you seem to want to believe he said. Stress reaction is nonsense. As I am sure many others have told you in this thread (just read your posts so far). I know this - my ex told me exactly the same nonsense he is spinning you after weeks of manufactured arguments. He was shagging another girl at work. I also was fobbed off with stress…

Jaxinthebox · 16/01/2023 06:32

Beginning of 2017 this happened to me - very similar situation, what I thought was just a blip, stress, kids, tough times... turns out there was an OW, I would have bet my life, my DC lives that my exH would NEVER do that to me. He did and for me that was the end of our marriage.

I have moved on, am about to remarry and life is very different but very very good.

It took me a while and a lot of work on myself after exH but there is life after a long marriage. I also didn't think anything was 'wrong' just life stress.

Im sorry OP but I really think you need to have a long, hard think about things. There really is no coming back from what he said to you and the way he said it.

Brefugee · 16/01/2023 07:25

well, OP you have a bit of breathing space. He needs to show (not tell) that he is truly remorseful and apologetic and willing to work on himself and your marriage.

You have time while he is doing this to get all your things in order, have a really good hard think about how you want your future life to look, not just now and in one and five years, but long-term.

In your shoes? I would be operating on a second-strike and you're out principle. But i wouldn't be telling him that. Just let things really calm down and make good solid decisions.

Original poster

Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 16/01/2023 18:07

@Brefugee That's pretty much how things are going thank you. He knows he has to show me and it's not just words. Having got more info on what was worrying him, which to be fair although no-one had done anything wrong, but it could have had big implications, he has had a chance to calm down and talk rationally with me. I get everyone's concern, but there is no other woman.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 16/01/2023 18:17

Good luck, @Confusedandunsureofwhattodo - you have time to decide what to do now. I hope it turns out well

AnnieFarmer · 16/01/2023 19:08

Confusedandunsureofwhattodo · 14/01/2023 14:22

Little update. Long chat and he was already embarrassed that in his words he'd flipped. It was as I suspected a stress reaction and he genuinely can't recall some of the things he said. He is genuinely upset. As I said all along, there is no other woman- I know him and how he reacts to things and this was never my concern although I absolutely get this is similar to the "script". But now I have tried to get him to realise that he can be as apologetic as he likes, but at the time he meant those things......and I can't just either unhear or forget those things. He knows we need to work on things as gets that I told him I can't fully trust him at this moment at least, as how do I know which version is completely true...

‘I know him and how he reacts to things and this was never my concern although I absolutely get this is similar to the ‘script’

I sincerely hope that your marriage and life will be happy OP. But please don’t think that those of us who have experienced this didn’t also ‘know our spouses and know how they react to things.’ I was married for 20 years, together 30. I knew my exH. I knew how he reacted to things (I still do). I wouldn’t have believed for a second that he could be capable of an affair of any sort or of leaving our marriage. Nor did I think anything was wrong in our marriage. It is important that people appreciate this as there are so many misconceptions surrounding this experience (how could she have missed the signs? Their marriage must have been unhappy. And one I read on a discussion on this site ‘you couldn’t keep hold of your DH’; lovely!). I feel it is important that this point is clarified for all of us who have lived through the experience.

I truly hope things work out for you and your DH. If he genuinely has absolutely no recollection of the conversation, that is concerning and as a PP stated, I would encourage him to visit his GP.

hulahooper2 · 16/01/2023 19:20

Tell him to
leave , keep your dignity , don’t wait around for him to decide ? Happened to me , no other woman involved , I was devastated but 10 years down the line I wish I’d never asked him to stay .

Blondewithredlips · 16/01/2023 21:00

Unfortunately I think OP has let him get away with it and put her head in the sand.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 16/01/2023 21:55

I'm sorry OP but you are not going to get much more in the way of advice here. The MN massive have only one mindset when a husband behaves out of character. It MUST BE AN AFFAIR.. they will brook no argument. You do not know your husband better than them.

Whilst a woman can have a multitude of issues that influence less than loving behaviour towards their spouse, running the full gamut from medical, emotional, hormonal, financial and life admin. A man can ONLY be fucking an OW.

Good luck Confusedandunsurewhattodo I hope you do work out what to do and it makes you happy.

billy1966 · 16/01/2023 22:18

I agree with @Brefugee, you have time to seriously reflect.

Take that time.

What he said was very broad and covered so much, it really is unbelievable that it was in any way off the cuff, far too specific and thought out for that.

Be very wary and protect yourself.

Wishing you well.

Heronwatcher · 17/01/2023 11:40

I agree with the others above, treat everything he says with a degree of suspicion for a few months and use this time to make sure you could, if necessary, leave or ask him to leave. I genuinely hope it works out for you but to me this smacks of someone who’s oscillating between staying with his family or leaving for another woman and can’t decide what to do.