AIBU to wonder what has happened amd what I do now re DH?

[Confusedandunsureofwhattodo]

Married around 20 years with 2 x teenagers. All been good at home with busy jobs and children's needs/school etc but lots of "I love you's", genuinely wanting to be together and making plans for the future.

But DH bit "tetchy" about few things Tuesday night, like kids interrupting, and got in bit of a strop. Now I thought he was worried re some work/money stuff he'd been sorting out, was tired from long hours (15 shifts sometimes) and that it would just blow over. Horrible atmosphere and he stayed up until 4am watching TV. Didn't really see him Wednesday am as is normal to be fair, but basically got told when got in Wednesday evening that he had been unhappy for ages, that I didn't love him, treated him like a cash cow and a second class citizen, and that he didn't know if he wanted a divorce. However he also went onto say hated where we were and that should sell the house and split the equity. Obviously a bit shocked but short but calm talk.....not that he would really listen to me and told me if I thought he was someone who would talk to a stranger (counselling) then I didn't know him at all. At which point I said it sounds like you have made your decision as didn't want to try and save the marriage. He's still considering his options!
Since then has been horrible at home, icily polite shall we say. I just don't know where this has all come from and quite what to do now. There is definitely no other woman. Apparently it's my fault he has no life or friends....he chooses the hours though and I gave always fitted around them and made sure things are covered and he has plenty of time to do other things and of course I don't stop him.

Trouble is now, even if he decides he does love me and was just upset about something else, I don't know when to believe him as has always been so sure of telling me he loved me etc. Is this a mid-life crisis? What should I do and is this recoverable?...

Beat me to it.

He's guilt tripping you do you don't argue over a divorce. Total controlling, gaslighting twatty behaviour.

I would call him out and say of he has decided to leave and is so financially better than you, then fuck off and find somewhere else to live. Why should you and the DCs be homeless?

"But not always, there could be a million other reasons.

👉 Grew apart
👉 Midlife crisis
👉 Feeling taken advantage of financially
👉 Feeling taken advantage of in other ways
👉 Not feeling appreciated
👉 Money stresses that have escalated
👉 Depression
👉 Affair
👉 Wanting someone new in your life
👉 And so on"

Like I said not always. The OP says they haven't grown apart, a mid-life crisis is not a thing. Money and taken advantage of - well he'd be clearer wouldn't he if that was the case. Depression - no. "And so on" is something else you've added to make your list look longer 😆 and the two that remain are that he is or wishes to shag about.

There are possibilities other than having an affair though.
Depression comes to mind…as in your gut feel of a mid-life crisis.
Too often people who become severely depressed end up with a desire to pack it all in and disappear from their entire life. So they set about destroying their current life, often scape goating their relationship and partner for their depression.

The fact he’s bottled it up and refuses to seek professional help shows he is really unwell. All you can do is try to get him to get help. Have you said what about confidential help just for you without me…as in not marriage counselling, but psychological therapy for his depression/unhappiness? First step would be the GP for a referral and GP could start him on some anti-depressants. Also might be worthwhile getting a full physical MOT to ensure there isn’t some physiological cause behind the personality changes like thyroid or kidney or brain.

Ultimately, if he won’t get help, I’m afraid it’s inevitable that you will end up having to end the relationship.

mid-life crisis is not a thing
Depression - no.

It is actually, but it causes depression so those two items should really be combined imho. In fact, if he is mid-life, then he’s a Gen Xer, and that generation has the highest ever recorded risk of mid-life crisis and suicide.

@LordSugarTits remind me to just ask you next time I have an issue, you can amazingly rule things in and out to strangers on an anonymous forum from hearing one side of a story. That's something special you have there x

Don't fall into the trap of thinking an anti affair person wouldn't have an affair. They can and do, and unfortunately typically act exactly as your H is acting; telling themselves their partner doesn't value them, they're unhappy in the marriage. It's their way of justifying behaviour they find abhorrent to themselves. His affair isn't like his dad's, his is different because he is so unhappy etc.
I'm not saying he is having an affair, he could indeed be depressed or simply sick of his life, or even in a one off bad mood and didn't mean it. But spoken attitudes to affairs are no guide at all. If he has the opportunity I wouldn't rule it out. Not many men leave their marriages without something else to go to.

Imagine saying "depression - no"....just ridiculous.

Pretty sure you’re entitled to remain living in the house until both of your children reach 18.

Hi again @Onnabugeisha

Is it your mission in life to excuse men of their behaviours by armchair diagnosing them on every thread? Fucking kidney issues? Give over.

He's had his head turned and the OPs friends and family will be all "well, knock me down with a feather. Not Dave? I can't believe it".

Anyway, you detailed the other OPs thread to the point she daren't ask questions anymore so I'll sit this one out and hopefully the OP will get the answers she needs quickly.

OP - don't agree anything about selling the house/money just yet and don't do the pick me dance. Good luck

My ex had had his childhood and young adulthood ruined by his father's many affairs. He was disgusted by it all. Of everything and anything else, I genuinely believed cheating was something he'd never do.

Guess what?

He cheated.

They always find a way to justify it, "its not the same" .

It is the same.

A mid life crisis is a "thing"
Dh went through it about 10 years ago! Took about 2 years overall and we got through it! He didnt have an affair but he was unhappy (had a history of depression and anxiety) Incidently my friends DH was going through similar at the time
Coincided with teens growing up and we had been married about 20 years

"Imagine saying "depression - no"....just ridiculous."

Imaging ignoring my earlier explanation as to why. Just ridiculous. Imagine including "and so on" as a reason to behave this way. Just ridiculous.

Lump it in with the midlife crisis in this situation and you'll probably find it's an excuse.

It is ridiculous to rule out depression especially given what we’ve heard he said:
he was worried re some work/money stuff he'd been sorting out, was tired from long hours (15 shifts sometimes
he had been unhappy for ages, that I didn't love him, treated him like a cash cow and a second class citizen

• We know financial stress and working 15hr days can make a person fatigued and overwhelmed and thus vulnerable to depression.
• We know expressions of unrelenting unhappiness, plus feeling unloved and used/abused is common among the depressed.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking an anti affair person wouldn't have an affair. They can and do

I agree with this. I was anti-affair, really judgemental of people who did and then I myself had an affair (don't shoot me, I'm being honest).

25+ years ago this was my partner. He had previously been deeply hurt by his then-wife having an affair with his best friend and was adamant that he would never do that. I had also been through the same thing and thought we were of the same mind regarding fidelity and friends and all that.

Guess what he did?

He had an affair with my best friend.

What they say and what they do are vastly different things. Vastly.

Exactly. It's just typical Mumsnetters diagnosing over anonymous forums for you isn't it!

The more “anti-affair” he is, the more likely it is that he’ll need to rewrite history to turn you into the bad guy in his own mind.

No, I have no such mission to excuse anything but rather offer possible explanations as the OP is wondering what it might be and is it recoverable. She has a right to hear all the different possibilities.

You do seem to have an inordinately passionate belief in your own psychic powers to diagnose both lazy fucker sexist twat syndrome and now cheating asshole dick syndrome on an anonymous Internet forum regarding people you’ve never met and dont know.

You make it your mission to shut down and argue with anyone who dares suggest any possibility other than your own- which you never state as a possibility but as an absolute certainty.

The last thread went long due to you and others peddling gross misinformation about a condition you know nothing about other than some ableist prejudices because you objected my and other posters suggesting it as a valid possibility that might be the cause of that OPs problems and worth getting professional medical advice on. We calmly explained the condition to you & others and you all persisted with ignorant and ableist nonsense…basically on a mission to discredit any possibilities other than your own narrative of certainty in a situation where there can be no certainty.

A very similar situation happened with a neighbour of mine.
As it turned out it was not another women but a secret gambling addiction. He had massive debts and was trying to keep them secret.
Fifteen years on she is remarried and very happy. He lost everything and ended up back with his parents.

I think you may be proved wrong about there being at least some sort of sexual attraction elsewhere, but I'll go with you for now.
I think you have to get across to him come hell or high water that if he requires 'thinking space' without working together regularly by means of counselling or therapy, then the trust is lost and all his thinking should be directed towards a future as a single man with children.
I remember once offering my dh some time away to think about things and he said "whatever the problems are, they are here and they can only be sorted if we're both here".

Could’ve written this myself 4 years ago. I never had concrete evidence of OW but I knew and I knew who. He lives nearby with her now and we’re all on good terms. I have a lovely new relationship. It was an awful thing to experience at the time but in hindsight, the right thing as I’m happier now than I have been in years.

My ex turned down the suggestion of marriage counselling but I spent about 6 months after he moved out hoping that we’d be able to work things out. I found a lot of help from friends and online. The thing that helped me the most was the book Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark and there’s a private Facebook group, I found being part of that so helpful.

I think my advice to you would be just to try to stay calm and stable. A friend advised me to do that for my kids and it helped at least keep us stable at home while their dad went into full midlife crisis mode! All the best, OP.

True, my DH is also anti-affair but he did have a revenge affair when he found out his ex was having a second affair behind his back with his best friend.

It is a possibility. (But not a certainty)

It's true it does read as typical affair script, but also people on here do love an affair.

Maybe he's been unhappy for ages and pretending that he's fine? Maybe OP is oblivious to his feelings and has missed signs along the way? Maybe he is indeed depressed or similar - it can trigger a flight response in some people.

Either way, he's said what his feelings are and I would take him at his word. I wouldn't be able to move forward with him so agree you should get your ducks in a row and start figuring out what happens next.

There is no automatic entitlement to this. You’d havre to either get it mutually agreed during the financial settlement or make a case for it to be court ordered…and it’s not something that courts rubber stamp.