AIBU to wonder what has happened amd what I do now re DH?

[Confusedandunsureofwhattodo]

Married around 20 years with 2 x teenagers. All been good at home with busy jobs and children's needs/school etc but lots of "I love you's", genuinely wanting to be together and making plans for the future.

But DH bit "tetchy" about few things Tuesday night, like kids interrupting, and got in bit of a strop. Now I thought he was worried re some work/money stuff he'd been sorting out, was tired from long hours (15 shifts sometimes) and that it would just blow over. Horrible atmosphere and he stayed up until 4am watching TV. Didn't really see him Wednesday am as is normal to be fair, but basically got told when got in Wednesday evening that he had been unhappy for ages, that I didn't love him, treated him like a cash cow and a second class citizen, and that he didn't know if he wanted a divorce. However he also went onto say hated where we were and that should sell the house and split the equity. Obviously a bit shocked but short but calm talk.....not that he would really listen to me and told me if I thought he was someone who would talk to a stranger (counselling) then I didn't know him at all. At which point I said it sounds like you have made your decision as didn't want to try and save the marriage. He's still considering his options!
Since then has been horrible at home, icily polite shall we say. I just don't know where this has all come from and quite what to do now. There is definitely no other woman. Apparently it's my fault he has no life or friends....he chooses the hours though and I gave always fitted around them and made sure things are covered and he has plenty of time to do other things and of course I don't stop him.

Trouble is now, even if he decides he does love me and was just upset about something else, I don't know when to believe him as has always been so sure of telling me he loved me etc. Is this a mid-life crisis? What should I do and is this recoverable?...

That's awful, sorry.

It's a real possibility that someone could post about their partner here and have people absolutely adamant it can't be anything other than an affair when it's actually something worse.

Really sorry to hear you went through this, it sounds awful for you.

That said, and with great respect to you if this sounds insensitive, these situations are actually fairly uncommon.

Every time there's an "is he having an affair?" thread a ton of people tip up to suggest he is stressed/tired/in debt/gambling/depressed/undiagnosed ADHD etc etc. It almost never is any of these things.

With depressing predictability it invariably turns out to be an affair. The script is so recognisable.

I'd like to be wrong, OP but I think you have to prepare for the worst.

If he's not talking I'd check both his phone and his credit records just to start to get to the bottom of this.

Most (not all) of these men's problems will be solved with a new (more fresh) woman worshipping at the alter of their D. It's a tale as old as time. I have yet to hear of a man leaving his marriage to be alone, live alone & do all his chores alone. It's as rare as hens teeth.

You need to take control.
’Sorry you are feeling like this, you need to move out then we’ll sort the finances out. You have the DC every other weekend and let me know which midweek night do you want them?’
Don’t play the game of waiting for him to work out what he wants. OP despite what you say there will be an OW, it may not be an affair, it could be someone he deals with at work who he’s connected with and it’s made him think he can be happier with a woman like her.

I do agree with asking him to move out. Though I went to pieces when my ex announced (out of the blue, as per ‘The Script’) that our marriage was over, I was insistent that, although I didn’t understand the reasons and was a mess, I had no desire to live under the same roof as him while he deliberated!

It sounds like an affair, but it may not be one. However I think that's a bit besides the point because the outcome is still the same - he has deliberately rewritten your relationship and live together, painted himself as a victim and left you feeling uncertain and insecure. He's continuing to behave 'icily' and keeping you hanging on, but refusing to make a decision or do something productive about it.

If YOU don't do something, your self esteem will be in tatters in a few short months. Not to mention the knock on effect this will have on your children.

I wouldn't be rushing to sell the house or get a divorce, but I would be telling him to move out for now because you need space away from this and refuse to be the target of his behaviour. I'd also start seriously considering that a divorce is on the cards and getting finances in order.

I do still think that he's had his head turned (it doesn't need to be a full blown physical affair at this stage) and if it is, he'll destroy you in the process. Get ahead of it. If it's not and it's something you can overcome, then no harm done by you getting your own affairs in order and having some breathing space whilst this goes on.

Absolutely this. You don't want to be sharing space trying to carry on. What about cooking, shopping, laundry?

My ExH seemed genuinely puzzled when I finally stopped making his packed lunch in the mornings. We worked together so it was logical that I had done so previously. I'd been in such a state of shock I'd been continuing on autopilot, until that moment.

The relief when they go is unreal.

You need to take control.
’Sorry you are feeling like this, you need to move out then we’ll sort the finances out. You have the DC every other weekend and let me know which midweek night do you want them?’

Definitely agree with this though. Screw his options, why does he get to control the situation?

i only lurk on here but made an account just to comment on this. Please for the love of god op he's using the script. My DH done the same and I was the same as you "he would never cheat he's already trauma ridden from his childhood history of his parents cheating". I didn't believe for one minute he was cheating so I pleaded with him to stay, so he did and I found out 6months+ later he was cheating with multiple women. I thought back to 6 months prior when he gave me the script and it all clicked and made sense.

No man is going to leave his comfortable home, wife, kids, etc to be alone because he's suddenly thought "you're using him as a cash cow"
oh please, what a cop out.

See a solicitor, he has already asked your to sell the house and split the equity, which shows he is further ahead in this than you think. He will also suggest fifty fifty. You need proper advice about staying in the house and the slip of the assets asap.

Whether you believe it's the script or not OP. He's checked out long before he told you. Whatever the reason, you need to protect yourself. See a solicitor and find out your rights and where the land lies asap. Don't bust your head trying to figure out what's wrong with him, all of that will come out itself in time. He's pulled the rug, don't let him wrap you up in it as well.

What is he like at apologising or admitting he is wrong?

Is it possible that he has got himself into a foul mood, lashed out and now doesn't know how to come back from it?

In that scenario it could have started with a worry but is now escalating it as he doesn't know how to stop. Blaming you for everything justifies his behaviour to himself and just stokes the angry fire.

I'm not sure there is a way back. But that doesn't mean there isn't a way forward. Don't apologise or take the blame for what is happening. If you were to go for a trial separation would it be possible for him to go somewhere? It would be reasonable to argue that as he is the one changing things then he is the one to move out.

A few weeks apart might be what you both need. Agree to meet in a few weeks to work out next steps. In the mean time all conversation is strictly limited to DCs.

It sounds coldly practical but perhaps that is what you both need.

Every time there's an "is he having an affair?" thread a ton of people tip up to suggest he is stressed/tired/in debt/gambling/depressed/undiagnosed ADHD etc etc. It almost never is any of these things. With depressing predictability it invariably turns out to be an affair.

Evidence please.

Sorry but he's got someone else and splitting the house confirms it unless you are very well placed financially.
My friend had this happen and she ended up in rented with the children and he bought a house with the ow as their joint income and assets make it easier.

@Onnabugeisha

Just go onto the relationships board for a couple of weeks.

It sounds like an affair to me, sorry.

Plenty of people who consider affairs abhorrent do end up having affairs.

Be careful of this possibility.

I'm sorry but he has definitely had an affair. Someone has turned his head at least.

Op please stop ruling out an affair. The reason why so many people are saying it is because we have been there and can see the script from a mile off. Nobody could believe my ex was capable of an affair, it just wasn't him and I would've bet my life that he would never cheat. But he did. So many women on here have said no it won't be an affair, he doesn't have time, he's very anti-cheating etc. Then in 6 months time they update that the ow came creeping out a few months later. Sometimes they make out they met very soon after you split up but of course that isn't the case.

It doesn’t really matter if he’s having an affair or not, he’s checked out. He didn’t say I hate the area we live in let’s move, he asked to split the equity.
OP you need to take control, work out what you can afford with your equity and a mortgage and go from there.
See a shit got solicitor and get as much as you can, don’t let him be in charge.

My friends husband, same age as yours, did his 20 years ago.

There, actually, wasn't another woman - he just wanted to work less, be single, and cast off his responsibilities.

So, he did. He's still on his own, and just goes travelling a lot around the world.

But, the end result was the same - she had to sort out the finances, and start again.

He was actually very fair, he gave her the marital home and paid off the mortgage.

He had been left a flat, fairly nearby, when his mother died, and he just moved in there. His teenage kids stayed in both homes, coming and going as they liked.

Its not always another woman.🙄

Those of us who it has happened to aren’t ‘blind or stupid’ either. Hopefully it isn’t an affair but whatever it is you’ve missed it until now, doesn’t make you blind or stupid for that either. I hope things work out for you OP whatever happens.

^^ well even if there isn't 1 OW, he still wants to be single, to fuck about with who ever he wants, shirk all responsibilities of being a husband and a father. He clearly thinks the grass is greener on the other side! Even if he doesn't commit to one other woman.

🙄 yeah let’s just bash the women who post here (who you are totally better than), never mind that they’re speaking from experience.

It’s absolutely fine for him to be unhappy in this relationship and question whether he should stay or leave.

But it is not ok for him to blame you or be angry towards you like you have ruined his life.

Saying that you treated him like a cash cow and second class citizen is a vile thing to say.

The reason posters suspect he’s had his head turned is because of the way he’s trying to blame you, when you’ve done nothing wrong!

If he’s fallen out of love with you then there’s no reason why you can’t split amicably or discuss how to get back on track or when the best time to separate is etc.
But you would be so sorry and in so much pain to tell your partner of years that you are not happy anymore.

The fact that he’s been vile to you, blamed you for everything, refusing couples therapy and saying he hates the area (so has to move away) is all pointing towards the fact that he’s had his head turned.

Of course you are going to be in denial about this as you’ve already had a massive shock.
But my advice would be to keep this in the back of your mind if he starts acting even more distant.