AIBU to wonder what has happened amd what I do now re DH?

[Confusedandunsureofwhattodo]

Married around 20 years with 2 x teenagers. All been good at home with busy jobs and children's needs/school etc but lots of "I love you's", genuinely wanting to be together and making plans for the future.

But DH bit "tetchy" about few things Tuesday night, like kids interrupting, and got in bit of a strop. Now I thought he was worried re some work/money stuff he'd been sorting out, was tired from long hours (15 shifts sometimes) and that it would just blow over. Horrible atmosphere and he stayed up until 4am watching TV. Didn't really see him Wednesday am as is normal to be fair, but basically got told when got in Wednesday evening that he had been unhappy for ages, that I didn't love him, treated him like a cash cow and a second class citizen, and that he didn't know if he wanted a divorce. However he also went onto say hated where we were and that should sell the house and split the equity. Obviously a bit shocked but short but calm talk.....not that he would really listen to me and told me if I thought he was someone who would talk to a stranger (counselling) then I didn't know him at all. At which point I said it sounds like you have made your decision as didn't want to try and save the marriage. He's still considering his options!
Since then has been horrible at home, icily polite shall we say. I just don't know where this has all come from and quite what to do now. There is definitely no other woman. Apparently it's my fault he has no life or friends....he chooses the hours though and I gave always fitted around them and made sure things are covered and he has plenty of time to do other things and of course I don't stop him.

Trouble is now, even if he decides he does love me and was just upset about something else, I don't know when to believe him as has always been so sure of telling me he loved me etc. Is this a mid-life crisis? What should I do and is this recoverable?...

"he has family history of people having affairs and abuse and he is so not up for either that I know it isn't possible"

Yeah don't they all? Always so dead against it until they're not. You're straight into the trap of saying he's depressed and having a mid-life crisis.

A tale as old as time and very very common. What does he do for a job? Something stressful that brings him close to lots of other people?

How awful for you. I think you need to talk to a solicitor. Ask him why he’s being rude/cross and if he’s seen a solicitor. Explain that given what he’s said that you don’t want to remain married to him and that while you are shocked you haven’t done anything wrong and so you both need to make this as easy as possible.
He will probably be aghast that you aren’t ready to receive him with open arms.

@Heartsofstone This is what it feels like. Life has been a drudgery in some ways but we have pulled through some horrible events with other and supportive each other well. There really isn't anyone else and no I'm neither blind nor stupid. I suspect in my heart of heart that he will have some thinking time and want us back.....but what do I do then? Will never quite be the same again surely? :(

It is possible anything is yure putting yourhead in the sand if you think that way

maybe it is a mid life crisi but he wont get help so what are you supposed to do-sit around and wait for HIS decision?

@LordSugarTits Stressful Jon but actually very little intervention with other people so actually has felt quite lonely at times as often on days off we are at home or school

Job!

Hmmm. I mean, yes, I would 100% be suspecting another woman but the change in character.... maybe she's just given him an ultimatum? You know, 'it's either her or me sort of thing.'
Or, maybe a gambling or other debt being called in? Might explain his tetchiness around money? How much do you know about his finances?

Horrible for you OP. Must feel very confusing and upsetting. X

I rarely post on this type of thread but even before I had read a single reply I though "other woman".

Sorry OP - pound to a penny there will be someone somewhere.

Seriously are people only allowed to have a relationship breakdown if there's an affair happening?

My husband works in an area that involves genetics and family history. There are families which seem to have multiple affairs in their line because of the number of children who turn out not to have been the children of the husband or whatever. Some of these families have a sprinkling of bigamy too from the old days where divorce was difficult and communications slow. The fact that your husband is from such a line wouldn't fill me with confidence that he wouldn't revert to type. The more judgmental people are about something the more they're trying to convince themselves and others that they wouldn't do something like that.

@Wilkolampshade No-one will believe me, but know everything re finances and his worry was about stuff he was willingly, telling me, and always has

Need to do some work now but will be back..

"Seriously are people only allowed to have a relationship breakdown if there's an affair happening?"

No, don't be silly.

However, when a middle aged man changes overnight and starts dishing out the script, refusing counselling and being vague it's because he's had his head turned.

that he didn't know if he wanted a divorce

If anyone ever said that to me, my answer would have to be, well, you don't have a choice, I don't want to be married to someone who is not sure.

I'd expect an OW to emerge at some point. Maybe just someone he has developed a crush on. It's often a sign that all is not well but it is impossible to resolve if one partners mind is on someone else and a different life.

Definitely time to get your ducks in a row wrt finances etc.

I know this sounds silly but he has family history of people having affairs and abuse and he is so not up for either that I know it isn't possible

My ex's first wife had an affair and I had all the ear bashing about the betrayal, the hurt, how he walked out anfd never went back and how it shattered his trust (yes, I should have run but MN wasn't around in the 80s). Funny how betrayal by a spouse, causing hurt and breaking trust didn't matter when he was shagging his secretary. I guess as he wasn't on the receiving end it was OK.

Please dont rule out another woman. There are so many threads on here from women saying their husband has cut people off for having affairs, is very religious, is very anti affair as has been damaged by their parents affair, etc etc...and is having an affair. Even if people go nowhere it's possible for people to have online affairs etc

Irrespective of that though.

You have to consider the children. He might want to sell the house but is a fresh start in their best interests or would it be best to sort something else out temporarily and sell when they are 18.

I'd assume you are going to split and start getting legal advice, protecting your finances, taking records of documents etc as others have said.

I'd tell him you will need some time and space to come to terms with this but that you completely respect his wishes and will not put any pressure on him to stay in a relationship that he is not happy in. You would rather he moved out to give you some headspace but if that isnt possible at the moment then the least he can do is be civil and polite and respectful as a calm split with open lines of communication will be much better for the children, it will damage them to live somewhere with a horrible atmosphere etc. and you want to work together to ensure a stable home for them while they are still here.

I know you will feel like screaming at him, arguing etc. but this will just feed into his 'wronged' narrative and give him justification for treating him like shit. So rise above it and grit your teeth and make plans for a single life

Sorry this has happened it must be such a shock.

No way for anyone on here to know what has happened. It may be an affair, it may not.

I'd say to him that you need to know how he wants to proceed and give him a deadline- you can't carry on in limbo. Get a good solicitor in place. Get your paperwork in order. Have you spoken to your children about this all yet?

He has thrown this grenade into the middle of your marriage and now he has to deal with the consequences. The line about not knowing him if you think he'd talk to a counsellor has enraged me on your behalf- turning his unwillingness to take his marriage seriously into a stick to beat you with.

It's Mumnset. They'll be WILDLY disappointed if it isn't another woman. They love it when it is, even if the OP is devastated.

@LordSugarTits you mean it COULD be an affair, not that it IS an affair. Surely you don't know this man and know that he is actually having an affair?

Absolutely baffles me this place 🤣

No I don't mean could, I mean usually.

This could be an affair, I don’t want to say it isn’t when pp are so adamant

however, I have felt like this at times, particularly around January. I reassess my life, struggle with anxiety and depression and just feel despair.
I need a few days, take some time, I can even be emotionless and think through a plan and how I want to go ahead repairing things. It’s never been an affair.

I do look at fixing things though and your dh sounds happy to wallow, and to blame you entirely, which I wouldn’t be happy with. I would expect counselling from this.
however if he would prefer to walk away from you than to talk to a stranger that may be your answer, and your decision rather than his.

I remember when I blindly believed in how my ex husband wouldn't cheat. For multiple reasons. It was against who he was!!!

Was it fuck.

But not always, there could be a million other reasons.

👉 Grew apart
👉 Midlife crisis
👉 Feeling taken advantage of financially
👉 Feeling taken advantage of in other ways
👉 Not feeling appreciated
👉 Money stresses that have escalated
👉 Depression
👉 Affair
👉 Wanting someone new in your life
👉 And so on

It doesn’t have to be an affair IMO.

Yes there is usually some trigger for the change from “ok things aren’t perfect but we bumble along broadly fine” to “YOLO I want the fairytale”.

Usually the trigger is meeting someone else, even if not acting on it, ie emotional affair or crush rather than physical.

But it could be a friend or colleague who’s living a carefree single existence and he’s suddenly thinking, why don’t I have that (consciously or subconsciously).

Or it could be something else is making him miserable (work? Delayed grieving, you mention horrible events?) and his head has turned it into his marriage being wrong.

I get what you say about everything will be different even if he turns around and says it was all a mistake and he wants to stay. Yes things will feel different and less secure. I think if that happens, you and he will need to understand where this came from, so you can assess whether it’s likely to happen again. He might need to spend some time working through what’s going on in his head.