AIBU to wonder what has happened amd what I do now re DH?

[Confusedandunsureofwhattodo]

Married around 20 years with 2 x teenagers. All been good at home with busy jobs and children's needs/school etc but lots of "I love you's", genuinely wanting to be together and making plans for the future.

But DH bit "tetchy" about few things Tuesday night, like kids interrupting, and got in bit of a strop. Now I thought he was worried re some work/money stuff he'd been sorting out, was tired from long hours (15 shifts sometimes) and that it would just blow over. Horrible atmosphere and he stayed up until 4am watching TV. Didn't really see him Wednesday am as is normal to be fair, but basically got told when got in Wednesday evening that he had been unhappy for ages, that I didn't love him, treated him like a cash cow and a second class citizen, and that he didn't know if he wanted a divorce. However he also went onto say hated where we were and that should sell the house and split the equity. Obviously a bit shocked but short but calm talk.....not that he would really listen to me and told me if I thought he was someone who would talk to a stranger (counselling) then I didn't know him at all. At which point I said it sounds like you have made your decision as didn't want to try and save the marriage. He's still considering his options!
Since then has been horrible at home, icily polite shall we say. I just don't know where this has all come from and quite what to do now. There is definitely no other woman. Apparently it's my fault he has no life or friends....he chooses the hours though and I gave always fitted around them and made sure things are covered and he has plenty of time to do other things and of course I don't stop him.

Trouble is now, even if he decides he does love me and was just upset about something else, I don't know when to believe him as has always been so sure of telling me he loved me etc. Is this a mid-life crisis? What should I do and is this recoverable?...

I have no idea whether there is another woman or not but him being busy doesn't mean there isn't. I know a woman who was working lots of extra shifts and doing training when in reality at least some of those were lies she told her family to cover meeting her boyfriend.

In any case he is being horrible to you. So he hasn't decided whether he wants to stay married or not?! Do you want him now if he decides he wants to stay married?

And no I could not ever forgive him for the things he’s said about me.

As soon as he said those things I would have asked him to leave.

Why would you disrespect yourself by being with a man who openly admits how much he dislikes you.

If it isn't an affair, then I wonder whether he's been dabbling in red pill nonsense online. There's a strong whiff of the manosphere about his whining - cash cow, second class citizen etc.

I'd tell him to make his fucking mind up sharpish. Either he apologises for his passive-aggressive, nasty behaviour and initiates a proper grown-up dialogue, or he can bore off and have his little mid-life crisis on his own.

Sorry OP, but this screams that he’s had his head turned, not sure why you think that’s such an impossibility. Despite one poster’s strong defence of men, affairs don’t only happen in Eastenders, they’re boringly common.

Either way though, I agree with the posters saying you need to take back control and ask him to move out for now at least.

My DH phoned me at work and said the marriage was over.. told my parents I was hard work and he couldn’t be with me any more. So my dad helped him move his stuff, my sister took him on holiday with her family.. and when the other woman wrote to MY DAUGHTER to say all the times he’d gone behind our backs, even on Christmas Day.. my dad decided my daughter was lying. Because his routine of Sunday pub with son in law had gone and it must have been my fault. That was a long time ago and I’m far happier now but I’m telling you, very very few men leave home without a replacement in mind. Promise it gets better in the end.

I so agree with you WestwardHo1 and have been through the same experience as the OP, (we even made music together!!) It really seemed to come out of nowhere, though later I found out (by reading all his paperwork when he was at work, haha) that he had been often unhappy and planning it for 10 years....am sure that Ex had his eye on someone and his hopes were up but in the end nothing has happened, after 6 years he is still alone. And as predicted by many threads on here, 2 years ago he told me had made a mistake....!!!! On the other hand I have had a lot of good times ! I can't imagine being with him now and Mumsnet really helped me in the early days. Get your ducks in a row dear, you don't want him if he is so stupid to throw away all you made together. He's more likely to change his mind if you are tough, but if not then you can be happy again and you will be. [Flowers]

@Wiserandolder are you on good terms with your family now?

I've had grief in the past for saying OW...

But this does sound a bit adhd-y. I had this sort of fit on my DH just after we got together, it's overwhelm, catastrophic thinking, wanting change, frustration, tiredness, all rolled into one massive fit.

Adhd people have memory issues too, which can result in rewriting history.

Now I know I have adhd, I can usually head off losing the plot but it's not easy.

Tread carefully, don't take any shit tho. If he does have adhd, he needs to sort out support, etc. Not delegate or have a tantrum...

I’d ask him to move out- of course he’s entitled to some space but he’s not entitled to do so in a house with you and the kids. Unfair and confusing. I would also check the finances, if you have joint accounts maybe agree now just to take a share each and transfer into your personal accounts so there’s no chance of you finding out that he’s emptied them. Don’t know how much equity you have in the house but unless you would be happy to take your share and could afford to buy somewhere decent for you and the kids, I’d be politely but firmly saying that you need to speak to a solicitor but that your preference would be to stay in the house until the kids leave home. In short don’t assume you can trust him, look out for yourself and the kids first and get him to start realising that he’s not going to get this the way he’s planned and that his actions have consequences.

Emotional affair/=mid-life crisis

Honestly, just because he has a family history of affairs doesn’t mean he’s not capable. He’s justifying it to himself. Get your legal shit together quietly and seek out a solicitor before he does. If he’s not yet shagging, he is probably having an emotional affair and will start blaming you for everything. He will be unbearable and there is no point trying. Just protect yourself and the kids.

Pack his bag and tell him he is leaving.

There is another woman. Even if you don't want to admit it.

Invite him to go and live elsewhere while he has a think. No one wants the toxic atmosphere he's creating.

Tell him you'll be speaking to a family lawyer. Find his preferences for child arrangements. Decide what work for you and the children. Speak to a family lawyer about how you could spilt the equity/home.

Do you see the irony in him accusing you of treating him like a cash cow. Then quickly suggesting a half split in equity? As if you don't have a family together.

I only communicate with my sister by WhatsApp to arrange things for dad who’s old now.. mum died.. I couldn’t accept the siblings betrayal.. you get over a man’s infidelity and rejection fairly easily when you believe actually they didn’t deserve your love but my sister? That hurt and I won’t forgive. Scorp. I rebuilt life, now happy with a far better partner, kinder and possesses moral fibre - kids are adults now, happy… moved on basically.

Exact same circumstances after 20 years…
assumed it was depression/midlife crisis…
would never cheat, just would not…
yup! Had a love interest waiting in the wings.
nasty cheating coward

OP, I am so sorry this has happened. What a horrible shock.

You must be reeling and need to look after yourself and your kids as the priority.

Work out what is most important to you.

Can you afford to stay in the same area if he insists on a house sale? Would he really disrupt teens in their exam years by forcing a house move? It's all very well him saying 'split the equity' but you might get more than half in a settlement if you have residency of the kids.

I would see a lawyer asap. List all yours and his assets incl his pension. Knowledge is power. Don't discuss any 'terms' until you have seen a solicitor, and even then I would play your cards close to your chest.

Talk to him calmly, if you can, away from the kids and ask what are his priorities, and how can you best protect the kids' interests, especially stability through exams. (would be my priority - you might have others).

You could ask him during this meeting if there is anything major that has precipitated this? Ask him directly: gambling? job issues? Legal issues? affair?

Have you got a RL friend you can weep and cry on? Don't expect him to be able to help when you feel upset - he can't and won't and you will feel worse.

It's so hard OP. REally sorry.

There’s no point in arguing about whether he’s having an affair or not; you know your DH.
However, when mine had his midlife crisis like this there was a young woman at work who had turned his head. Lots of emotional infidelity.
Everyone would have told you he was the last man on earth to do this. Funny old world.

Sorry to say this but this is him not you and even if he isn’t having an affair yet someone has turned his head and he thinks the grass could be greener. Maybe an old school friend, work colleague, neighbour, ex neighbour, friend from an activity/hobby, Uni friend, one of his friends wives or girlfriends friend etc etc.

I would consult a solicitor so you know where you stand financially. Agree to nothing just yet, don’t make it easy for him. Personally, I would begin snooping go through his pockets, check his phone if you can etc etc (the gloves are off now). Take care

PS a friend of mines husband went like this (she was in her 30’s and her kids were younger). She was busy working on the laptop on a night when the kids were in bed. He messed about on Friends Reunited and an old GF started chatting to him, wanted to meet him, gave him compliments then he said he didn’t love his wife, didn’t know what he wanted, felt confused etc etc. This went on for a few months finally they split up.

It's most likely an OW OP. Sorry.
It's the script.
There's another thread on here at the moment which is almost identical.

Tell him to leave.
Give yourself some headspace.
And then see how to proceed from there.

This is so true, the woman my husband left me for could not ever be described as a "looker" what she offered was lots of attention, flattery and sex. I was post natal and out of action on the sex front due to bad internal brusing and tearing. At the time I was definitely a "looker", one of his parting remarks to me was " I still think you are very beautiful and &&* (the other woman) thinks you are very beautiful too" ouch! It really isn't about looks, they help initially perhaps , but really its about selfish men being made to feel "special". It will all end with them rowing in the supermarket once the thrill is over. My ex wanted to go back to the freedom of pre-baby days and she offered that escape .

Absolutely. I was obviously blind and stupid then. The penny did eventually drop. It took awhile because my exh was just not that kind of person. I learned that there isn’t a kind of person and that it can happen to anyone. If someone wants to hide something, they will. During the fall out, the scales started to fall from my eyes and I could see with hindsight that there had been very subtle signs of OW. All our friends told me that he couldn’t be capable of an affair. I had no evidence but I know now there was at the very least an emotional one.

There are so many misconceptions about the whole experience. The marriage must be bad, the spouse must be horrible to live with, the people having the affair are terrible people etc.. No.@ It can happen to anyone. These misconceptions lead to a feeling of intense shame and failure in me.

I agree with all of this OP, this is both of your marriage and you deserve to have a say. He can't have it all his way!

Hope you're ok 💐

So sorry this is happening to you OP.

Obviously we don’t know whether or not an OW is involved, but I do know that my ExH behaved like this just before he left for the OW.

If there is someone else involved, please don’t play the ‘pick me’ game, you’re worth so much more than the way he is treating you. I did play that game and my self esteem was in tatters for many months after he left. I wish I’d just booted him out (like lots of Mumsnetters were advising me to do).

Happy ending though as a few months later I met the most amazing man and 10yrs on we’re still very happy.

I think, looking back, I was afraid to ‘give up’ on the marriage. With hindsight I can say that leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me.

Good luck OP!

It doesn't matter if there's an OW or not. He has shown and told you where he is. That's what you respond to.
If my DH out of the blue (having been stressed at work) said he felt he was a cash cow, hated our life and wanted a divorce. I'd give it a few days then have a chat about what's behind it. Surely that's the least a 20 yr relationship and shared DCs deserves.
I wouldn't be doing a pick me dance. But having family members with MH struggles, I wouldn't jump to leave a marriage on the basis of one overly emotional conversation that seems to have come out of the blue. I would decide to do so after a serious discussion about our relationship, finances, etc. (since finances seems to have been a partial trigger for this).

I believe that there is someone else who he has confided in about a few things and they have buttered his ego up saying he deserves so much more, leading him to probably exaggerate how hard done by he is and his ego massaged even more with a mixture of flattery and sympathy.

The scenario is as old as time.