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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to stay with a couple?

228 replies

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:02

I've been working on a creative project with with X for two years. We live at opposite ends of the country.

We planned two nights in a luxury 2 bedroomed apart-hotel a few miles from my house to plan the next stage of the project. We'll be spitting the cost 50/50. The idea was to give us 48 hours of clear headspace to work on the project.

Only after I booked the hotel she told me that her husband would be coming with her. (I'm single). I don't know him and don't really want to spend what I thought was going to be a 'girls' worktrip with him. I've suggested that we change to a one bedroom apartment and I just join her for work during the daytimes.

She's really keen than I come and promises that he will be out sightseeing during the daytimes. He will also buy dinner on the first night to make it up to me. She has also apologized for not asking me beforehand. The trip is her birthday present to him.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to stay with a couple?

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 13/01/2023 05:08

YANU - change the booking. I would not agree to this and she was a CF to announce it as a done deal. Even cheekier to think a meal makes up for this.
Whos name is the booking in? Make sure you email or text so you have a written record of you not agreeing to pay now the T&Cs have changed. If it's in your name just cancel.

coodawoodashooda · 13/01/2023 05:10

Fk that. I just wouldn't go. She's turned you into a third wheel. I also wouldn't want my dinner bought. That is a gesture designed to hide their inappropriate boundary pushing.

JudgeRudy · 13/01/2023 05:12

Oops, just re read. Just cancel. How can it be his birthday present if she's focusing on the project with you! She just wants you to foot half the bill. There's no advantage to you being there. You'll just be out of pocket.
Cancel

Pinkbonbon · 13/01/2023 05:14

That's absolutely not on.
What if you had a fear of men in your personal space or something. And I mean, rightly so, considering you don't even know this guy. She's a cheeky cf.

I suppose if the bedroom locks and there is your own private bathroom attached it's not so bad but do you even know if this is the case?

musingsinmidlife · 13/01/2023 05:18

This is a work trip so outside of work hours it is perfectly fine for her to spend it with her husband. Girls trips are what you do with person friends - not work trips.

Many people bring spouses and family in work trips, that in itself is no big deal.

The only thing you need to change is the accommodation. Get two separate spaces now that her husband is also coming.

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:23

Pinkbonbon · 13/01/2023 05:14

That's absolutely not on.
What if you had a fear of men in your personal space or something. And I mean, rightly so, considering you don't even know this guy. She's a cheeky cf.

I suppose if the bedroom locks and there is your own private bathroom attached it's not so bad but do you even know if this is the case?

I don't want to cancel as we do need to get the project finished. I have met him briefly once and have no concerns over security. It's mainly the third wheel issue.

By the way, what does 'CF' stand for?

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 13/01/2023 05:24

Cheeky Fucker.

FfayeN · 13/01/2023 05:28

As a minimum she should be paying 2/3rds of the cost. That way she might see that it was actually inappropriate to 'gift' him the trip when you're effectively paying half for him. Other than that I'd just deal with him being there in the evenings x

Aprilx · 13/01/2023 05:28

It is a works trip not a girls trip. I have done a lot of work travel and have never taken my husband, but sometimes people do bring spouses along. It sounds like he won’t be there whilst you work, so whilst I don’t really see what the issue is, if you don’t fancy it then you don’t have to go.

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:28

musingsinmidlife · 13/01/2023 05:18

This is a work trip so outside of work hours it is perfectly fine for her to spend it with her husband. Girls trips are what you do with person friends - not work trips.

Many people bring spouses and family in work trips, that in itself is no big deal.

The only thing you need to change is the accommodation. Get two separate spaces now that her husband is also coming.

Thanks, but I don't need the accommodation as I live less than three miles from the hotel, so it's easy for me to just join them during the day.

I had assumed that we would be socialising during the evenings when it was just going to be the two of us.

I'm also more than happy to have dinner with them in the evenings, I just don't want to stay overnight in an apartment with her and her husband.

Now that the 'girls trip' element has gone I might as well sleep in my own home.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:30

SiobhanSharpe · 13/01/2023 05:24

Cheeky Fucker.

Thought as much 🙂

OP posts:
musingsinmidlife · 13/01/2023 05:33

Yes, sleep in your own home and they can downsize to a one bedroom

If her husband is with her, they may do their own socializing or sightseeing in the evenings

ittakes2 · 13/01/2023 05:35

She's trying to combine two things together - not headspace if someone is holidaying at the same time!
She's being very cheeky - you only live a few miles away so yes I would insist of a one bedroom - I am mean why would she not agree? Is a two bed much cheaper?

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:42

Aprilx · 13/01/2023 05:28

It is a works trip not a girls trip. I have done a lot of work travel and have never taken my husband, but sometimes people do bring spouses along. It sounds like he won’t be there whilst you work, so whilst I don’t really see what the issue is, if you don’t fancy it then you don’t have to go.

'Works trip v girls trip'
It's actually a bit of both, or at least I thought it was.

We work in an industry where friendships often develop through work and we both consider each other to be friends.

I think I will sleep at my house and give them the option of either a one bedroom or two bedroom apartment, which they can pay for themselves.

OP posts:
MintChocCornetto · 13/01/2023 05:45

Yeah cancel. That's really inappropriate of her.

Isthisexpected · 13/01/2023 05:45

Good plan. Sounds like she's trying to save money by you paying half for his birthday trip.

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:46

ittakes2 · 13/01/2023 05:35

She's trying to combine two things together - not headspace if someone is holidaying at the same time!
She's being very cheeky - you only live a few miles away so yes I would insist of a one bedroom - I am mean why would she not agree? Is a two bed much cheaper?

The two beds are pretty spectacular duplex penthouses with roof terraces, the one beds are not. I think that's why she's keen on keeping the two bed.

Now that her husband is coming, I'm happy for her to keep it as long as she is also willing to pay for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:49

MintChocCornetto · 13/01/2023 05:45

Yeah cancel. That's really inappropriate of her.

I'm not going to cancel as it's in 10 days time and they've already paid for their train tickets. I think the best option is that I sleep at home and they can pay for the hotel accommodation.

I should add that because I know somebody who works for the hotel chain I got a very big discount on the penthouse.

OP posts:
Qwerty111 · 13/01/2023 05:51

coodawoodashooda · 13/01/2023 05:10

Fk that. I just wouldn't go. She's turned you into a third wheel. I also wouldn't want my dinner bought. That is a gesture designed to hide their inappropriate boundary pushing.

I agree with this.

I very much doubt her husband will be out all day sightseeing, more likely to be popping back from time to time. If the trip is his birthday present he’ll want to spend time with his wife surely?

i think you’re in for a frustrating time if you play third wheel at what has become a couple’s holiday in your area. Your friend isn’t going to be focussing on the project, you won’t be able to chat about ideas at dinner. Could you just reschedule with her?

“Making it up to you” with a dinner is so patronising, sounds like placating toddler you into being a good girl and not making a fuss. Boundary stamping bollocks indeed.

MissMarplesbag · 13/01/2023 05:51

She's trying to get you to subsidise her husband so I'd cancel & give them the alternatives listed by pp's.

I wouldn't be comfortable staying especially on what is now a private couple's break.

dontleaveitthere · 13/01/2023 05:52

Oh god so cheeky. How long have you had this booked? And ten days beforehand she drops this?

I would hate this as well. It was planned as 48 hours of headspace for your project. Him loitering and taking you out for dinner changes it. (I don't believe that either. Or else what kind of birthday present is it...)

Can you get your money back if you cancel the booking?

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:57

dontleaveitthere · 13/01/2023 05:52

Oh god so cheeky. How long have you had this booked? And ten days beforehand she drops this?

I would hate this as well. It was planned as 48 hours of headspace for your project. Him loitering and taking you out for dinner changes it. (I don't believe that either. Or else what kind of birthday present is it...)

Can you get your money back if you cancel the booking?

Been planning it for over a month, booked it two days ago in my name but haven't paid for it yet, so there's no problem in cancelling but I don't want to do that as they have already paid for their train tickets.

I think the best solution is the I sleep at my house and give them the option of the one bedroom apartment all the two bedroom penthouse, either way they pay for it.

OP posts:
Izzy24 · 13/01/2023 05:59

Won’t you need to pay part of the cost towards the working space during the day?

FeinCuroxiVooz · 13/01/2023 06:06

yanbu and it's a horrible thing for her to do to hijack this trip as her gift to her bf when its supposed to be a totally different purpose.

cancel the whole booking and start discussions from scratch about how to achieve the work project entirely separately from this minibreak for her bf, that she can make the booking for herself.

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 06:06

Izzy24 · 13/01/2023 05:59

Won’t you need to pay part of the cost towards the working space during the day?

I thought about that. I'm going to give her the option of keeping the two bed or changing to a one bed. Either way we can work in the communal spaces of the hotel which are spectacular and lots of people use it as a daytime work space paying only for their food.

OP posts:
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