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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to stay with a couple?

228 replies

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:02

I've been working on a creative project with with X for two years. We live at opposite ends of the country.

We planned two nights in a luxury 2 bedroomed apart-hotel a few miles from my house to plan the next stage of the project. We'll be spitting the cost 50/50. The idea was to give us 48 hours of clear headspace to work on the project.

Only after I booked the hotel she told me that her husband would be coming with her. (I'm single). I don't know him and don't really want to spend what I thought was going to be a 'girls' worktrip with him. I've suggested that we change to a one bedroom apartment and I just join her for work during the daytimes.

She's really keen than I come and promises that he will be out sightseeing during the daytimes. He will also buy dinner on the first night to make it up to me. She has also apologized for not asking me beforehand. The trip is her birthday present to him.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to stay with a couple?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 13/01/2023 07:51

This is very rude and cheeky of your colleague/friend.
She should have put it past you first and likely didn't because she strongly suspected you'd not be ok with it. It seems run of the mill cheeky fuckery and my suspicions would be that after hearing the accomodation and knowing you live locally they deliberately planned to nudge you into giving them the accomodation.

Swissmountains · 13/01/2023 07:53

Have you travelled to her on 'more than one occasion' and this is her second visit to you. Where did you stay and who paid then?

dontleaveitthere · 13/01/2023 07:53

Urgh. I'm just sorry op. You sound very reasonable and level headed. And I can see you were sort of looking forward to this catch up.

I'm glad you won't lose money and that your contact will be fine. I do worry if your friend cancels your contact might be upset they have such an expensive room free for two nights.

What happened the other times you met up?

Karma2023 · 13/01/2023 07:58

The dynamics would change considerably of he was there. I can't imagine he would be out every day, especially if weather isn't good. If it's a birthday treat then he won't want to be up early.

If it was just you both I assume you could start the day early, eating breakfast talking over plans. That would change with a non involved person there.

Let us know what her response is

WimpoleHat · 13/01/2023 07:59

The trip is her birthday present to him.

This is what’s off here - the trip is a work function with a business associate who doesn’t know her husband. It’d be one thing if you went up to her area and her DH joined you for dinner afterwards, but this is something else entirely. You have every right to cancel or insist on your own change of arrangements.

DNBU · 13/01/2023 08:03

Her bringing him as part of his birthday is a little weird in this context.

Are you both paying for the hotel yourselves, wasn’t sure from your message if you’re self employed? Is it the case she can’t really afford it and treating it as a combined holiday rather than just a work trip?
I do understand it in that context, since it’s two nights in a luxury hotel.
It’s a bit of a downer, as it means you will likely be eating dinner alone at least one night or third wheeling on her husband’s birthday trip.. but I don’t think I would say anything, cos I get her reasoning.. if she is paying then it’s up to her how she spends her downtime.

I would encourage them to have their own separate room if that element bothers you.

YANBU as it’s a little annoying but not the end of the world imo.

Zanatdy · 13/01/2023 08:04

She’s completely out of order.

Measuredresponse1999 · 13/01/2023 08:05

@LadyMaine your colleague’s husband sounds like he might be an abuser, maybe covert, it doesn’t sound like something she would think was reasonable. Telling you last minute and already buying the tickets sounds very much like she felt she had to pin it down and just hope somehow you wouldn’t kick up a fuss, because she knows if she didn’t- he would be unbearable.
Possibly her husband’s plan all along- he probably knows you won’t put up with it and you’ll be just another person he’s managed to divert away from his wife. Any other signs this could be it?

Clymene · 13/01/2023 08:10

DNBU · 13/01/2023 08:03

Her bringing him as part of his birthday is a little weird in this context.

Are you both paying for the hotel yourselves, wasn’t sure from your message if you’re self employed? Is it the case she can’t really afford it and treating it as a combined holiday rather than just a work trip?
I do understand it in that context, since it’s two nights in a luxury hotel.
It’s a bit of a downer, as it means you will likely be eating dinner alone at least one night or third wheeling on her husband’s birthday trip.. but I don’t think I would say anything, cos I get her reasoning.. if she is paying then it’s up to her how she spends her downtime.

I would encourage them to have their own separate room if that element bothers you.

YANBU as it’s a little annoying but not the end of the world imo.

The OP was splitting the cost with the other woman. So basically paying for her and her husband's holiday.

I'd be so pissed off about this. And really hurt.

Thank goodness it's near your house and you can go home.

SoupDragon · 13/01/2023 08:11

Measuredresponse1999 · 13/01/2023 08:05

@LadyMaine your colleague’s husband sounds like he might be an abuser, maybe covert, it doesn’t sound like something she would think was reasonable. Telling you last minute and already buying the tickets sounds very much like she felt she had to pin it down and just hope somehow you wouldn’t kick up a fuss, because she knows if she didn’t- he would be unbearable.
Possibly her husband’s plan all along- he probably knows you won’t put up with it and you’ll be just another person he’s managed to divert away from his wife. Any other signs this could be it?

You've chosed the wrong username for yourself as that response is anything other than "measured" 😂😂

WisherWood · 13/01/2023 08:12

She has also apologized for not asking me beforehand.

So she knows she was wrong. And I get the sense that it's probably him manipulating her, but maybe I'm just jaded.

The trip is her birthday present to him.

I'd say take earplugs, but I see you're not staying, so that's OK then. I just don't see you getting much work done. He's muscled in on the trip. I think you'll find he'll just muscle in on all of it. As I say, I'm jaded and cynical, but it's also just my experience of couples like this. Break one boundary and they're all gone.

I don't, in principle, mind staying with another couple. I do mind under these circumstances.

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 08:13

Swissmountains · 13/01/2023 07:53

Have you travelled to her on 'more than one occasion' and this is her second visit to you. Where did you stay and who paid then?

Is this will be our fifth meet up. She lives near London, I've travel down to London on three occasions and stayed with friends who live in the capital. She's been up on one occasion and and she and her husband stayed in a hotel.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 13/01/2023 08:14

She can arrange for her birthday present to her husband for a different trip. This is a work trip and he is not required for that purpose.
She is one cheeky mare!!!

Could she be trying to claim back the costs of the business trip as a business expense (thereby getting him a birthday present on the cheap)???

AppleWax · 13/01/2023 08:16

OP, I would cancel the whole thing and let her rebook in her and her DH’s name.

If you leave the booking under your name (with discount) your are in effect contributing £500 to his birthday weekend jolly.

If you are not there and anything goes wrong with the accommodation- broken chair or whatever, then you could be liable for the damage as the booking is under your name.

If they don’t pay for the accommodation (come up with some excuse) then you will need to pay for it as it is under your name.

Your relationship with your contact could be jeopardised as it could look like you are the CF who is bagging a discount for their friends birthday celebrations, under the guise of a work trip.

I think you need to redefine your work relationship with this person and put certain restrictions on what is acceptable in a friendly work relationship (she is not your friend but a work partner/client).

DNBU · 13/01/2023 08:19

Clymene · 13/01/2023 08:10

The OP was splitting the cost with the other woman. So basically paying for her and her husband's holiday.

I'd be so pissed off about this. And really hurt.

Thank goodness it's near your house and you can go home.

Show quote history

If they change to separate rooms and have separate bills it’s not an issue?

I would not be ‘hurt’ (she’s a colleague, not a friend) or that pissed off, just say I wanted to change the booking so we’re paying for ourselves only, or resplit the bill for the room three ways (so colleague pays for both herself and husband).

I work in a creative industry and i think there tends to be a more laid back attitude to this - have had colleague’s friends and partners join us on trips for the social parts.

The luxury hotel is the thing here - woman sounds like she can't afford it AND a trip for her husband’s birthday.

ShandaLear · 13/01/2023 08:21

RedHelenB · 13/01/2023 06:13

I think you're being bit of a CF in your updates expecting her to do and pay for the travelling, pay for the accommodation and the work space while you shell.out nothing and get to stay at home.

Except that’s what was agreed and it was reciprocal. Having another person foisted upon you for 2 nights without your knowledge or consent after the booking had been made is the CF bit. I’d be uncomfortable staying overnight in an apartment with a stranger, especially one I didn’t know about.

liveforsummer · 13/01/2023 08:23

How did the husband behave last time he came with her? Did he make him self scarce on that occasion? I actually think with that update it's slightly less presumptions that she thought she could bring him again but definitely still unreasonable to expect you to share accommodation

SagittariusDwarf · 13/01/2023 08:23

AppleWax · 13/01/2023 08:16

OP, I would cancel the whole thing and let her rebook in her and her DH’s name.

If you leave the booking under your name (with discount) your are in effect contributing £500 to his birthday weekend jolly.

If you are not there and anything goes wrong with the accommodation- broken chair or whatever, then you could be liable for the damage as the booking is under your name.

If they don’t pay for the accommodation (come up with some excuse) then you will need to pay for it as it is under your name.

Your relationship with your contact could be jeopardised as it could look like you are the CF who is bagging a discount for their friends birthday celebrations, under the guise of a work trip.

I think you need to redefine your work relationship with this person and put certain restrictions on what is acceptable in a friendly work relationship (she is not your friend but a work partner/client).

Good point about any damage to the room, if the booking remains in your name.

RoyalStallion · 13/01/2023 08:25

For me there’s no way I’d be staying in an apartment with a male I didn’t know well! It’s just so uncomfortable, even going to the toilet in the night you feel you have to dress properly just in case. You can’t just relax in nightwear in shared areas. You feel awkward in the middle of conversations.

You’d probably end up feeling you had to go to your bedroom really early and sit in there, which is a totally different experience.

Also, you don’t know them that well. Couples sometimes after a few drinks and late at night in a small space turn out to be far far stranger than they ever seemed in daylight chats. I’ve encountered this on shared holidays, fortunately in separate accommodations. I have no urge to find out people act after a few drinks now. Some really normal men turn out to talk about sex, or their likes, or just make uncomfortable ‘jokes’, or worse- actively propose things. You don’t want to even begin to introduce the possibility of that into your work relationship. It’s really not as slim a chance as it may seem.

Swissmountains · 13/01/2023 08:25

Maybe there are money issues in the background, maybe not.

Either way I would not stay with them, and would take the payment in advance as to not end up with issues when she is leaving.

Get the project completed and consider afterwards whether you want to see her again for weekends away etc. If she is usually a good friend, maybe it is worth overlooking this cf decision. I guess she messed up and booked your project weekend on his birthday and rather than being honest about the mistake she has tried to paper over the problem.

For me it wouldn't be a dealbreaker, if she stumps up for the hotel, you can stay at home and put some water tight boundaries around her dh not being around when the work is being done during the day. I wouldn't arrange to see them for dinner, and catch up with her another time.

OnlyFannys · 13/01/2023 08:25

The options you are going to give her are more than fair, well done for sticking to your guns

Swissmountains · 13/01/2023 08:27

Can I ask why you didn't invite her to stay with you if you are just a few miles away? Or is she more of work friend?

PacificallyRequested · 13/01/2023 08:29

I'd cancel the hotel booking and let them sort out their own accommodation either in the luxury place (but without the discount) or elsewhere. Not your problem if they end up in the Premier Inn! Then you could still work in the communal spaces at the original hotel.

Stunningscreamer · 13/01/2023 08:29

It's so unprofessional of her. She should at least have asked you beforehand.

It's definitely going to affect the work side of things as I imagine you're going to feel you have to hurry up and finish so he can enjoy the evenings of his 'birthday weekend'.

I certainly wouldn't be offering her the discount for the hotel if you decide to postpone the business meeting.

Really cheeky.

grumpycow1 · 13/01/2023 08:30

How embarrassing for her that she is even asking! I would definitely downgrade them to the 1 bed and not pay. As you say, it changes the whole dynamic of the trip. She should take her husband away for his birthday separately. Definite CF!