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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to stay with a couple?

228 replies

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:02

I've been working on a creative project with with X for two years. We live at opposite ends of the country.

We planned two nights in a luxury 2 bedroomed apart-hotel a few miles from my house to plan the next stage of the project. We'll be spitting the cost 50/50. The idea was to give us 48 hours of clear headspace to work on the project.

Only after I booked the hotel she told me that her husband would be coming with her. (I'm single). I don't know him and don't really want to spend what I thought was going to be a 'girls' worktrip with him. I've suggested that we change to a one bedroom apartment and I just join her for work during the daytimes.

She's really keen than I come and promises that he will be out sightseeing during the daytimes. He will also buy dinner on the first night to make it up to me. She has also apologized for not asking me beforehand. The trip is her birthday present to him.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to stay with a couple?

OP posts:
Izzy24 · 13/01/2023 06:07

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 06:06

I thought about that. I'm going to give her the option of keeping the two bed or changing to a one bed. Either way we can work in the communal spaces of the hotel which are spectacular and lots of people use it as a daytime work space paying only for their food.

Show quote history

Fair enough. Disappointing but hope it works out for you .

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 06:09

FeinCuroxiVooz · 13/01/2023 06:06

yanbu and it's a horrible thing for her to do to hijack this trip as her gift to her bf when its supposed to be a totally different purpose.

cancel the whole booking and start discussions from scratch about how to achieve the work project entirely separately from this minibreak for her bf, that she can make the booking for herself.

We're on a deadline for the project so I'm not going to cancel the booking, also they have already paid for their train tickets.

But I will sleep at my own house and they can pay for the full cost of the accommodation.

I should also add that I booked in my name because I have contacts at the hotel who have given me a huge discount on the penthouse.

Normal price would be £750. I'm getting it for £250. I can make sure they get the discounted price.

OP posts:
FeinCuroxiVooz · 13/01/2023 06:11

but as pp say too, the whole thing is going to be an utter failure for achieving the initial goal of 48 hours of headspace for your project. with tagalong bf I would be surprised if you manage much more than 10 hours of productive time spent on your project.

SmokeyPaprika · 13/01/2023 06:13

Well if you are in, for example, in the lake district, and if he is a keen hillwalker, then I doubt you would see him in daylight hours.

But we don't know the detail.

RedHelenB · 13/01/2023 06:13

I think you're being bit of a CF in your updates expecting her to do and pay for the travelling, pay for the accommodation and the work space while you shell.out nothing and get to stay at home.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2023 06:15

The trip is her birthday present to him.

And the trip was only booked two days ago and she sprung him coming on you? She's just planned it so she gets a discounted hotel for a getaway, using your contacts and (she hoped) your money. That's some shady, nasty, premeditated shit.

I wouldn't work with her again after this. It would sour the whole relationship for me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2023 06:16

RedHelenB · 13/01/2023 06:13

I think you're being bit of a CF in your updates expecting her to do and pay for the travelling, pay for the accommodation and the work space while you shell.out nothing and get to stay at home.

Did you miss the massive discount OP secured?

ravingbathtime · 13/01/2023 06:16

Wow that is a massive discount on price.
I really feel for you that she's just announced this. I absolutely understand you not wanting to stay. I would feel awkward about the dynamics suddenly changing and her partner is suddenly there. Your girls works trips is suddenly a present for him.
I would do what you have said and let them know you won't be staying but for them to pay. Disappointing though but I think it's the right decision.

XanaduKira · 13/01/2023 06:16

I agree with your proposal - sleep at home and travel to see her during the day for work. They pay for their own accommodation.

Aprilx · 13/01/2023 06:17

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:42

'Works trip v girls trip'
It's actually a bit of both, or at least I thought it was.

We work in an industry where friendships often develop through work and we both consider each other to be friends.

I think I will sleep at my house and give them the option of either a one bedroom or two bedroom apartment, which they can pay for themselves.

Show quote history

I think considering you are only a couple of miles away, this is the best option.

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 06:18

RedHelenB · 13/01/2023 06:13

I think you're being bit of a CF in your updates expecting her to do and pay for the travelling, pay for the accommodation and the work space while you shell.out nothing and get to stay at home.

You do have a point there.

Except that my contacts have gotten a £500 discount on the accommodation.

And I really don't want to stay overnight with a couple (there only one bathroom). When I could sleep in my own perfectly comfortable bed.

OP posts:
dontleaveitthere · 13/01/2023 06:18

That's great you won't lose your money.

If you went with the 2 bed Do you trust her not to simply turn up with him? You say train tickets have been booked. I'm going to assume his tickets too if this was her plan all along

I also agree with how much work are you actually going to get done?

Not sure I could continue working with someone after pulling this. How do you feel?

gamerchick · 13/01/2023 06:23

She's changed it to a birthday thing for her bloke, she can pay for it and I'd make no bones about it either. You have to nip this shit in the bud from the off.

EasterIsland · 13/01/2023 06:24

It’s hardly an intensive 48 hours on the project if it’s her DH’s birthday treat. YANBU. She probably isn’t experienced in this sort of work (it’s like a writing retreat), to think that her DH’s presence won’t distract you both from the work.

I’d suggest to her that you cancel and she and her DH can have a celebratory weekend. You and she will do the proper work at another time.

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 13/01/2023 06:25

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 06:18

You do have a point there.

Except that my contacts have gotten a £500 discount on the accommodation.

And I really don't want to stay overnight with a couple (there only one bathroom). When I could sleep in my own perfectly comfortable bed.

Show quote history

@LadyMaine do you know the layout of the rooms etc? it sounds spectacular and tbh I’m starting to think you should go and enjoy a couple of evenings of luxury!
Could you invite a friend over for the evenings so you don’t feel like the third wheel?
I’ll come along if you like 😂

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 06:29

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 13/01/2023 06:25

@LadyMaine do you know the layout of the rooms etc? it sounds spectacular and tbh I’m starting to think you should go and enjoy a couple of evenings of luxury!
Could you invite a friend over for the evenings so you don’t feel like the third wheel?
I’ll come along if you like 😂

Show quote history

Yes I know the layout. It's nice but to be honest my house feels nicer.

I am so over staying in posh hotels just because they are posh. It's all about who I'm with.

OP posts:
daretodenim · 13/01/2023 06:30

Will the discount definitely stand if you're not going? It's a big favour from a contact to get that sort of discount for you, if you don't actually stay there is this going to cause you a problem with your contact?

She's a CF for sure though. I'd be very annoyed.

FfayeN · 13/01/2023 06:31

Your plan works OP. It also would make it awkward to be 100% honest with how you feel that she's been sly in changing the plans, not really giving you the chance to decline! As others have said I would be wary next time and make it obvious what the boundaries are. I normally do this by subtly making the point after "we would have gotten so much more done if it was just us two, perhaps we should stick to that next time". Good luck! Keep us posted 🤣

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2023 06:31

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 13/01/2023 06:25

@LadyMaine do you know the layout of the rooms etc? it sounds spectacular and tbh I’m starting to think you should go and enjoy a couple of evenings of luxury!
Could you invite a friend over for the evenings so you don’t feel like the third wheel?
I’ll come along if you like 😂

Show quote history

Op can do that another time and only pay the discounted amount. No need to be a third wheel.

Beyond cheeky! I’d be incredibly annoyed.

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 06:33

dontleaveitthere · 13/01/2023 06:18

That's great you won't lose your money.

If you went with the 2 bed Do you trust her not to simply turn up with him? You say train tickets have been booked. I'm going to assume his tickets too if this was her plan all along

I also agree with how much work are you actually going to get done?

Not sure I could continue working with someone after pulling this. How do you feel?

Train tickets have been booked for both of them.

We are two-thirds of the way through the project and have received part payment, so there is no option of cancelling the whole.

Yes, I can keep working with her I think I'll just dial back the 'friendship' side of it.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 13/01/2023 06:34

No. You’re not subsidizing his birthday present when the point is to get the bloody work done. She can pay and you can go home.

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 06:37

daretodenim · 13/01/2023 06:30

Will the discount definitely stand if you're not going? It's a big favour from a contact to get that sort of discount for you, if you don't actually stay there is this going to cause you a problem with your contact?

She's a CF for sure though. I'd be very annoyed.

Yes the discount will still stand, thankfully and aunt cause problems with my contact.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 13/01/2023 06:38

YANBU.

She never should have invited her DH and bought a train ticket without checking you were comfortable with it first. I think the options you have offered are fair.

Ihaveroyallyscrewedup · 13/01/2023 06:39

Maybe I’m just old and tired but I just wouldn’t put up with that shit anymore, she’s using your heavily discounted rate to turn a work project weekend in to her boyfriends birthday weekend, trying making you share an apartment with a man you essentially don’t know for reasons which are nothing to do with why it was booked in the first place. To make it worse it wasn’t even discussed with you, they booked the train tickets thinking you’d be too polite to put your foot down and say anything, they are taking the total piss.
I’d be cancelling the apartment, let her pay the the full £750 if she wants to spend a birthday weekend with him, arrange another way to get the project finished and I’d be telling her she was a CF.

Jaxinthebox · 13/01/2023 06:39

stay at home, work at the resort during the day - get this project finished and take heed of this for future work relationships.

I do not understand why some people organise things, without a discussion with other parties (you). I would never just bring a partner along on a work trip - without first discussing it with the organiser.

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