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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to stay with a couple?

228 replies

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:02

I've been working on a creative project with with X for two years. We live at opposite ends of the country.

We planned two nights in a luxury 2 bedroomed apart-hotel a few miles from my house to plan the next stage of the project. We'll be spitting the cost 50/50. The idea was to give us 48 hours of clear headspace to work on the project.

Only after I booked the hotel she told me that her husband would be coming with her. (I'm single). I don't know him and don't really want to spend what I thought was going to be a 'girls' worktrip with him. I've suggested that we change to a one bedroom apartment and I just join her for work during the daytimes.

She's really keen than I come and promises that he will be out sightseeing during the daytimes. He will also buy dinner on the first night to make it up to me. She has also apologized for not asking me beforehand. The trip is her birthday present to him.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to stay with a couple?

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 13/01/2023 07:23

Let us know how much work you actually manage to get done during this "work trip" with the husband around...

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 07:25

BloomingXmas · 13/01/2023 07:22

I wouldn’t want to share with them, it’s a shame she did that, it sounds like you were looking forward to the social side of the trip,

Yes I was looking forward to the social side of things because we get on really well (up to now). It's disappointing when you realise you're not on the same page as someone else.

OP posts:
rogueone · 13/01/2023 07:26

This work trip is a birthday present to her DH. She is a CF

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 13/01/2023 07:27

coodawoodashooda · 13/01/2023 05:10

Fk that. I just wouldn't go. She's turned you into a third wheel. I also wouldn't want my dinner bought. That is a gesture designed to hide their inappropriate boundary pushing.

Exactly this
You could just do this over teams
Save the expense and the hassle

piscosours · 13/01/2023 07:27

This woman is a right dick! 100% change the booking even just to make a point. If her husband had to come for some other reason maybe, but she's said it's his birthday present ffs! How disappointing for you

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/01/2023 07:28

RedHelenB · 13/01/2023 07:13

£250 plus train tickets is still a lot to shell out compared to OP. It's work so work costs should be split down the middle including her travel costs imo.

Show quote history

It's not work. It's a birthday trip for her husband's birthday.

No reason for OP to pay anything towards it.

It would probably be better to leave them to it and do the work meeting another time. Just weird to have a husband along on a 2 person work trip. I don't mind spending time with couples and don't get the angst about sharing a bathroom but I'd be annoyed at sacrificing a weekend for work to then find it had become a birthday trip for someone I didn't even know!

Staying at home and meeting up for work is a pragmatic solution to a problem OP hasn't created

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 13/01/2023 07:28

Don't feel bad she diberly misled you until the train tickets were booked about her husband.
It's rather unprofessional as well if it was suppose to be a working weekend and now it's turned out to be a couple thing, I'd be questioning if I wanted to work with her again.

ZenNudist · 13/01/2023 07:28

What dis she say?

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/01/2023 07:30

Could it be she's in trouble for being away on his birthday weekend and has had to rescue the situation by tagging him along? If so she might be very happy with you bowing out

HaggisBurger · 13/01/2023 07:32

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:46

The two beds are pretty spectacular duplex penthouses with roof terraces, the one beds are not. I think that's why she's keen on keeping the two bed.

Now that her husband is coming, I'm happy for her to keep it as long as she is also willing to pay for it.

Show quote history

Be really firm in your communications with her on this.
You can be friendly and warm but VERY assertive that this won’t work for you.

Absolute CF.

piscosours · 13/01/2023 07:32

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/01/2023 07:30

Could it be she's in trouble for being away on his birthday weekend and has had to rescue the situation by tagging him along? If so she might be very happy with you bowing out

But in which case why did she agree to it in the first place, or why didn't she raise the dilemma with OP?

rookiemere · 13/01/2023 07:36

Also she really doesn't get it.
You had planned a trip for the two of you, now her DH is coming too and as a way of making it up to you he will buy you dinner. It's ridiculous and so rude to buy the train tickets for both of them without even running it past you.

Swissmountains · 13/01/2023 07:37

I am questioning why your friend is the one that had to travel all the way to the other side of the country to complete a project, enduring the costs of accommodation and train fares which are extortionate?

Why didn't you meet in the middle in the first place?

Maybe she is resentful that she has had to do the heavy lifting and suffer the costs and has decided to try and max out the benefits - not unreasonably unless I have missed something,..

rookiemere · 13/01/2023 07:38

Swissmountains · 13/01/2023 07:37

I am questioning why your friend is the one that had to travel all the way to the other side of the country to complete a project, enduring the costs of accommodation and train fares which are extortionate?

Why didn't you meet in the middle in the first place?

Maybe she is resentful that she has had to do the heavy lifting and suffer the costs and has decided to try and max out the benefits - not unreasonably unless I have missed something,..

If this was the case, I'd hope a 58 year old could use their words.

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 07:40

Swissmountains · 13/01/2023 07:37

I am questioning why your friend is the one that had to travel all the way to the other side of the country to complete a project, enduring the costs of accommodation and train fares which are extortionate?

Why didn't you meet in the middle in the first place?

Maybe she is resentful that she has had to do the heavy lifting and suffer the costs and has decided to try and max out the benefits - not unreasonably unless I have missed something,..

The project has been going for 2 years and and I have travelled to her on more than one occasion, this will be her second trip to me, so I'd say we are even on the travel.

OP posts:
SagittariusDwarf · 13/01/2023 07:41

I too would cancel the whole thing. If the booking is in your name, how can you guarantee that she will pay? Wouldn't your card otherwise be charged? Can you ensure that she transfers you the money, with enough time for you to still cancel free of charge if she doesn't transfer?

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 07:42

rookiemere · 13/01/2023 07:36

Also she really doesn't get it.
You had planned a trip for the two of you, now her DH is coming too and as a way of making it up to you he will buy you dinner. It's ridiculous and so rude to buy the train tickets for both of them without even running it past you.

Being saddled with the train ticket and hotel accommodation is the price of not running it past me.

Apparently he really likes the city I live in and that's why he wanted to come.

I'm going to give them the option of turning into just a couples weekend and she and I can meet up another time.

OP posts:
Gensola · 13/01/2023 07:44

you are absolutely right to cancel, that’s crazy!

liveforsummer · 13/01/2023 07:45

I am questioning why your friend is the one that had to travel all the way to the other side of the country to complete a project, enduring the costs of accommodation and train fares which are extortionate?

Well the accommodation was intended to be split between both parties initially

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 07:45

SagittariusDwarf · 13/01/2023 07:41

I too would cancel the whole thing. If the booking is in your name, how can you guarantee that she will pay? Wouldn't your card otherwise be charged? Can you ensure that she transfers you the money, with enough time for you to still cancel free of charge if she doesn't transfer?

My contact at the hotel has kindly allowed me to pay 'on arrival' so I'm not out of pocket. The only money that has been spent so far is their train fares.

OP posts:
SagittariusDwarf · 13/01/2023 07:47

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 07:45

My contact at the hotel has kindly allowed me to pay 'on arrival' so I'm not out of pocket. The only money that has been spent so far is their train fares.

Show quote history

Ah ok thanks for clarifying. Well in that case, as long as she's clear that she will have to pay and not you, and that there won't be any dramas when it comes to paying, then that makes more sense.

I'd still be pissed off though and would tell her why.

704703hey · 13/01/2023 07:47

Hold your ground

Bpdqueen · 13/01/2023 07:49

When she says her husband will be out all day. How realistic is this are you in an area where there is plenty to keep him occupied in the middle of winter without him keep turning up and hanging around

Swissmountains · 13/01/2023 07:50

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 07:40

The project has been going for 2 years and and I have travelled to her on more than one occasion, this will be her second trip to me, so I'd say we are even on the travel.

Show quote history

How many times have you met up in total?

liveforsummer · 13/01/2023 07:50

I hope she doesn't cancel altogether now as I bet your contact will be pissed off if they have a 750 suite sitting empty unpaid for for 2 nights. I suppose that's unlikely when tickets are booked