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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to stay with a couple?

228 replies

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:02

I've been working on a creative project with with X for two years. We live at opposite ends of the country.

We planned two nights in a luxury 2 bedroomed apart-hotel a few miles from my house to plan the next stage of the project. We'll be spitting the cost 50/50. The idea was to give us 48 hours of clear headspace to work on the project.

Only after I booked the hotel she told me that her husband would be coming with her. (I'm single). I don't know him and don't really want to spend what I thought was going to be a 'girls' worktrip with him. I've suggested that we change to a one bedroom apartment and I just join her for work during the daytimes.

She's really keen than I come and promises that he will be out sightseeing during the daytimes. He will also buy dinner on the first night to make it up to me. She has also apologized for not asking me beforehand. The trip is her birthday present to him.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to stay with a couple?

OP posts:
Sunnistery · 13/01/2023 17:44

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 10:43

Update

She will keep the penthouse apartment. I'll sleep at home, and we'll work during the day.

They will pay for the apartment and also take me out to dinner on the first evening as a thank you for the big-discount.

I think that's a win-win. I'm so relieved. Thanks again all for your replies, they really helped me think through it.

Signing off for now.

OP

Sounds like this was a planned outcome for her. Dinner for you in exchange for a 250 bill that should have cost 750.

I wouldn't feel same way about such a person tbh.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2023 20:20

I agree with @Sunnistery

However it's the best outcome OP could get while remaining civil so it is a win.

CF though should be ashamed. I hope their birthday shagging gives them both chafing.

AllyArty · 14/01/2023 18:31

Not on and she knows it’s not. The offer of a meal makes it worse. Just message her and say you hope she understands but you are not comfortable with the arrangement she has made.

boqq · 14/01/2023 18:46

They’re 58. I don’t think they’ll be at it like rabbits… He must genuinely love where you live, I’m assuming Scotland and it’s a long journey for her to make on her own if they’re used to doing things as a couple. I really don’t see the big deal if you have a separate room and bathroom.

Beelezebub · 14/01/2023 19:00

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 10:43

Update

She will keep the penthouse apartment. I'll sleep at home, and we'll work during the day.

They will pay for the apartment and also take me out to dinner on the first evening as a thank you for the big-discount.

I think that's a win-win. I'm so relieved. Thanks again all for your replies, they really helped me think through it.

Signing off for now.

OP

The cynical part of me says that you pulling out and them keeping the hotel with the big discount you obtained is exactly what they were after…..

Isthisweirdornot · 14/01/2023 19:12

Reading the thread, I think you’re fair to do this. When will you telll her that you won’t be sharing a hotel room?

MBT · 14/01/2023 19:19

Seems strange she cant do without her husband for one night - i cant tolerate women who inflict their partner on you i would neverdo it . agree with you you go home after the working day

BringerOfDoom · 14/01/2023 19:34

YANBU that is so unimaginably creepy. Alarm bells are going off like crazy. Big red flag. Yes sometimes women participate in rape and it usually starts like this. Do not go. This is a huge safety issue.

ComfortablyDazed · 14/01/2023 19:35

Utterly embarrassed for the CF work colleague. Who does that??

And dinner out with the husband - no thanks. Except you don’t have any choice but to accept or look churlish.

Really poor behaviour from someone who’s clearly old enough to know much better.

ComfortablyDazed · 14/01/2023 19:38

Honestly - I’m just gob-smacked at someone thinking that the offer of a dinner out with their random husband is some kind of consolation prize… 😬😬😬😬😳😳😳😵‍💫😭🤣🤣🤣

Zax · 14/01/2023 20:09

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:02

I've been working on a creative project with with X for two years. We live at opposite ends of the country.

We planned two nights in a luxury 2 bedroomed apart-hotel a few miles from my house to plan the next stage of the project. We'll be spitting the cost 50/50. The idea was to give us 48 hours of clear headspace to work on the project.

Only after I booked the hotel she told me that her husband would be coming with her. (I'm single). I don't know him and don't really want to spend what I thought was going to be a 'girls' worktrip with him. I've suggested that we change to a one bedroom apartment and I just join her for work during the daytimes.

She's really keen than I come and promises that he will be out sightseeing during the daytimes. He will also buy dinner on the first night to make it up to me. She has also apologized for not asking me beforehand. The trip is her birthday present to him.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to stay with a couple?

ménage à trois?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/01/2023 20:12

Totally cheeky fuckers. She just wants you to pay towards their trip, and will try to fit in the work around the edges.

I definitely think cancel the booking and they can book an apartment in their own name to suit them. No point in your staying if it’s not just about you two focusing, you can just come during the day -as tou suggested.

Lotus717 · 14/01/2023 20:32

Either way she has taken advantage to have the massive discount on the penthouse booking. The whole underhand bullshitting on her part would piss me off. If you really like her then fine let her have your name on the booking so she can use your discount but I would respect her more if she had been straight forward about it.

Covermeinsunshine · 14/01/2023 20:57

I had a bf once who would have pressured me into coming on a trip like this. It’s actually why we broke up in the end. Are you sure it was a birthday gift? Maybe he guilted her. Either way, it’s not appropriate, and you are not being unreasonable. I think your solution to stay at your one house and let them pay for the stay over is the best one in the circumstances.

helpplease01 · 14/01/2023 21:32

Rearrange the work weekend. She had hijacked it. It's out of order. Tell her to enjoy the 'birthday' weekend with her husband. You and her can do it another week end? It's a outrageous cheek.

LoisLane66 · 14/01/2023 22:53

@LadyMaine
Did your friend/colleague know about the hotel discount before she booked her train tickets? If you had told her about the swanky penthouse and she or her DH had looked it up online, maybe they colluded to use it as her husband's birthday weekend, something they wouldn't normally be able to afford at the full price.

Hio · 15/01/2023 00:52

Join them for a three sum. Make his birthday one he won't forget...

I run the offer will help push them into paying or going one bed ;)

OhDeniseReally · 15/01/2023 01:19

Well, they're either CFs, or swingers, or both.

BabyDriversMummy · 15/01/2023 06:18

Does she have a 3-sum in mind for his Birthday?

SlaveToTheVibe · 15/01/2023 08:52

She’s a CF

mustgetoffmn · 15/01/2023 12:46

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:28

Thanks, but I don't need the accommodation as I live less than three miles from the hotel, so it's easy for me to just join them during the day.

I had assumed that we would be socialising during the evenings when it was just going to be the two of us.

I'm also more than happy to have dinner with them in the evenings, I just don't want to stay overnight in an apartment with her and her husband.

Now that the 'girls trip' element has gone I might as well sleep in my own home.

Show quote history

I’d be worried about engaging in a project with someone who can’t do this without partner in tow. Co dependency is not a good trait. Ridiculous to think it can somehow combine with his Birthday treat. Put your foot down. I would say re arrange - your thoughts of a clear thinking space is correct. That doesn’t neatly fall into working hours it’s in your head outside as well. Plus would she be likely to talk about the ideas and plans with partner when back in bedroom? And he give opinions and engagement? So you end up with a silent third person in the weekend? Re arrange she is behaving disrespectfully towards you. And seriously consider whether going into partnership with this woman is such a great idea after all. How could she “forget” to ask you about such a significant thing? Exit!!!

mustgetoffmn · 15/01/2023 12:50

LoisLane66 · 14/01/2023 22:53

@LadyMaine
Did your friend/colleague know about the hotel discount before she booked her train tickets? If you had told her about the swanky penthouse and she or her DH had looked it up online, maybe they colluded to use it as her husband's birthday weekend, something they wouldn't normally be able to afford at the full price.

Which is not good right?

mustgetoffmn · 15/01/2023 12:58

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 06:09

We're on a deadline for the project so I'm not going to cancel the booking, also they have already paid for their train tickets.

But I will sleep at my own house and they can pay for the full cost of the accommodation.

I should also add that I booked in my name because I have contacts at the hotel who have given me a huge discount on the penthouse.

Normal price would be £750. I'm getting it for £250. I can make sure they get the discounted price.

Show quote history

Deadline yes. That they’ve paid for train tickets not your concern. Wow I didn’t pick up the discount element. That’s unbelievably bad manners on their part. I’d be very concerned about her reliability. Even thinking it’s ok to ask you if partner can load in I would be annoyed about. Beware!

mustgetoffmn · 15/01/2023 13:04

RedHelenB · 13/01/2023 06:13

I think you're being bit of a CF in your updates expecting her to do and pay for the travelling, pay for the accommodation and the work space while you shell.out nothing and get to stay at home.

OP has contacts with hotel and arranged an enormous discount which is probably why partner has loaded in. Also the friend didn’t think to ask first and has massively messed up original agreement so OP being generous to not pull out totally.

mustgetoffmn · 15/01/2023 13:07

Snoken · 13/01/2023 06:48

She sounds incredibly selfish. It’s one thing what she is doing to you, but her partners birthday present is now as a tag along on a work trip where has to stay out on his own all day and pay for everyone’s dinner in the evening. I wouldn’t be very happy with that present.

Partner could be pressuring her to include him given OPs having influence to get enormous discount at hotel. The birthday add on completely inappropriate it’s a work trip

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