Page 8 | Hen do dilemma

EddieHowesBlackandWhiteArmy · 13/01/2023 09:56

Go, have a lovely time and come back to the relentless of parenthood having banked a few good nights sleep and with a DH who hopefully has a new found respect for how difficult looking after two small ones is. Oh. And ignore the sanctimonious ‘I just couldn’t do it’ posters who are implying that they are considerably better parents than you. They aren’t.

PollyPrissypants · 13/01/2023 09:56

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BTphonehome · 13/01/2023 09:57

SomethingOriginal2 · 13/01/2023 08:57

Woah OK then . Really weren't being a dick. A holiday, a jolly whatever you wanna call it. Rather than a work trip or an ill relative that needs urgent care.

Of course a baby's relationship at 4 months is different with their mother and father. It's pretty dense to try to pretend otherwise. Especially as OP says she does most of the legwork with the kids anyway.

It's not about division of labour, it's about how the baby will feel. I absolutely agree that parenting should be equal labour and equal breaks and if the baby wasn't so young I'd say go, but it wouldn't be fair on such a young baby to suddenly have their mother and primary care giver disapear.

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Well your theory wouldn’t work in our household.

Baby is 4 months but has been bottle fed, DH had 6 weeks paternity leave and WFH so is often about in the day to help out. We alternate the nights. My baby is 100% comfortable with her father, she adores him like she does me.

THAT is how it should be, perhaps then women/ mothers would feel less put upon and the instances of PND would fall. Happier relationships and marriages with less resentment. It’s awful that your baby couldn’t give a shit if your husband is there or not and awful that you’re so bloody smug about it. Vile.

OP, ignore the judgy mummy martyrs on this thread, christ no wonder women get a reputation for becoming dull once they’re a mother, this lot had the fun sucked out of them when they gave birth I think.

I’m glad you’re going, sounds like you deserve a break and it’ll do him good to parent his own children for a bit, may even help him build more of a bond with them and increase his confidence!

Enjoy your time away.

FrangipaniBlue · 13/01/2023 10:04

What @BTphonehome said..... with bells on!

JussathoB · 13/01/2023 10:05

Hi I’m sorry I made the mistake of posting without reading the whole thread. I’ve just seen the post from the Op this morning where she has clearly worked out a good arrangement for herself and her family. Sounds good. It’s good to compromise.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 13/01/2023 10:06

MyGod there are a lot of martyrs on MN ! The OP didn't ask what YOU would do - (because obviously the majority of you wouldn't leave them to take a break until they were married and living in their own home ! )

The OP asked if she would be unreasonable to take a break for 3 days leaving her kids with her husband. Especially as he has had an equivalent break from home life .

The answer is of course you are not. If he is not 'confident' then a 3 day crash course will soon make him so !

He's a father not a toddler. As far as I recall when I gave birth , no one came round to 'teach me' how to parent. You just make it up as you go along. The kids won't melt from 3 days of amateur parenting by their father.

JussathoB · 13/01/2023 10:08

I didn’t say my concern was for the other caregiver

SpringsRightAroundTheCorner · 13/01/2023 10:09

Are you breastfeeding? Personally I wouldn't leave my children so young, I've had the same dilemma and I ended up bringing my husband and children along (no one could look after my older two (3 and 4 year old) due to holiday) youngest was 4 months. Yes it did look ridiculous a family of 5 having to travel to a hen do, my husband stayed in a hotel nearby and I went back to bf/he brought the baby to me. He didn't join the hen do, I'm not suggesting this, I absolutely wouldnt allow this! Most my friends have children and get it, they saw it as the best solution as they wanted me to attend.

Not many people would want to leave such a small baby even if you weren't feeding. Saying your husband went to xyz or someone else's husband left a small baby at home isn't in any way shape or form the same thing. Can't your husband stay nearby with your children and you return to them at night, but participate in the activities?

BTphonehome · 13/01/2023 10:11

SpringsRightAroundTheCorner · 13/01/2023 10:09

Are you breastfeeding? Personally I wouldn't leave my children so young, I've had the same dilemma and I ended up bringing my husband and children along (no one could look after my older two (3 and 4 year old) due to holiday) youngest was 4 months. Yes it did look ridiculous a family of 5 having to travel to a hen do, my husband stayed in a hotel nearby and I went back to bf/he brought the baby to me. He didn't join the hen do, I'm not suggesting this, I absolutely wouldnt allow this! Most my friends have children and get it, they saw it as the best solution as they wanted me to attend.

Not many people would want to leave such a small baby even if you weren't feeding. Saying your husband went to xyz or someone else's husband left a small baby at home isn't in any way shape or form the same thing. Can't your husband stay nearby with your children and you return to them at night, but participate in the activities?

🙄🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

123sunshine · 13/01/2023 10:12

Your husbands response is awful, I would be so disappinted if I was you.
Also only on mumsnet would you get a load of women saying don't go away, how dare you enjoy yourself etc etc, honestly its like the dark ages. It is really important as a mum to carve out time for you, where you are not just a mother or a wife constantly putting eveyone elses happiness and needs before your own. Children will be fine.

JussathoB · 13/01/2023 10:13

In a family it’s about taking care of each other, not fighting all the time to prove I can do what I want. If one partner says I’m not happy about something, the other partner should listen and vice Versa. It sounds like OP has got a plan now which will suit everyone- of course any mother should have some freedom to go somewhere leaving her children in the care of her partner.

Babyclb · 13/01/2023 10:14

SpringsRightAroundTheCorner · 13/01/2023 10:09

Are you breastfeeding? Personally I wouldn't leave my children so young, I've had the same dilemma and I ended up bringing my husband and children along (no one could look after my older two (3 and 4 year old) due to holiday) youngest was 4 months. Yes it did look ridiculous a family of 5 having to travel to a hen do, my husband stayed in a hotel nearby and I went back to bf/he brought the baby to me. He didn't join the hen do, I'm not suggesting this, I absolutely wouldnt allow this! Most my friends have children and get it, they saw it as the best solution as they wanted me to attend.

Not many people would want to leave such a small baby even if you weren't feeding. Saying your husband went to xyz or someone else's husband left a small baby at home isn't in any way shape or form the same thing. Can't your husband stay nearby with your children and you return to them at night, but participate in the activities?

Would your husband bring his wife and 3 children along if he was doing a weekend away with his friends?

No, of course "it's not the same"... sure it's only women expected to give up any and all freedoms once they procreate.

Scalottia · 13/01/2023 10:15

Oh for fucks sake @SpringsRightAroundTheCorner and all of the other martyr mummies who are out in force today: your precious children will survive being looked after BY THEIR OWN FATHER for a few days. Give me strength.

IsItThough · 13/01/2023 10:15

Ignore the judgemental losers on here

Go, and enjoy yourself

I would not tolerate this kind of bullshit from him for one second "I shouldn’t be going as they are too young to be away from for this amount of time.", especially with the double standard of his own abscence. The baby doesn't know why you are not there and is a wedding any less of a piss-up for an adult attending alone than a hen do - doubt it.

He could be genuinely a bit anxious about solo parenting for a few days (though many people have managed this, some permanently! gosh!) but also may just be being a lazy arse. In either case ask him what needs to be put in place to help him be more confident and you can sort it out together beforehand. Heck he can even ring his mum if he wants. Or perhaps he just needs a bit of practice in the interim?

Velvetween · 13/01/2023 10:15

Your DC will be ok if you go (unless baby is breastfed in which case that’s a very sudden change for them to be all bottle for 3 days) as they’ll be with their Dad, one of their 2 primary carers.

Your DH will be fine as he’ll just have to cope like the countless other parents before him. He can call on help as well presumably? Family, neighbours, babysitter?

Will you be ok? I remember craving a break from having a small baby attached to me all the time…but 3 days apart would have made me miserable. By Day 2 I just know I would be consumed with thoughts about going home. Don’t risk bringing down the hen party vibe, or walking out mid way. Any decent friend will understand if you don’t go or plan a shorter stint.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/01/2023 10:16

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/01/2023 03:26

I wouldn't personally leave a 4 month old for a 3 day piss up either, but if I did make that decision I wouldn't expect their father to be guilt tripping me about it. Especially one who thinks it's fine for men.

This^

If he is anxious about being alone caring for them for 3 days then he needs to plan ahead how he is going to manage. Could he get premade meals in to make dinner time easier. Do he have a friend/family member who can pop by for a couple of hours for company and another pair of hands.
looking after 2 small children is hard, but I think the experience will be valuable for him understanding how much work goes into childcare.

SpringsRightAroundTheCorner · 13/01/2023 10:23

Babyclb · 13/01/2023 10:14

Would your husband bring his wife and 3 children along if he was doing a weekend away with his friends?

No, of course "it's not the same"... sure it's only women expected to give up any and all freedoms once they procreate.

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Well it isnt the same, he's the dad, my husband doesn't lactate and wasn't the one who carried or gave birth to our children. He has always done more than his share and is an incredible dad, but biologically our roles are not the same (when your children are small). Our children would not have cried for him all night if he went away and wouldn't starve. If I did they would, so the 2 things aren't comparable.

It's sad that a mum thinks she can piss off for 3 nights and think that such a tiny baby won't be distressed. Absolutely zero consideration for the baby.

PollyPrissypants · 13/01/2023 10:30

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OngoingCrisis · 13/01/2023 10:32

3 days is not a long time at all. People are acting like OP said 3 months. All this "mom guilt" is unnecessary as well, I bet dads don't have "dad guilt". But I know a lot of you won't leave your children until they have their own mortgage.

VioletaDelValle · 13/01/2023 10:32

It's sad that a mum thinks she can piss off for 3 nights and think that such a tiny baby won't be distressed. Absolutely zero consideration for the baby.

If dad has been fully involved in all aspects of parenting from day one then it isn't an issue. The OP isn't breastfeeding so there is no reason why that couldn't have happened.

M103 · 13/01/2023 10:39

Soon2bemumoftwo · 13/01/2023 07:22

UPDATE : Thanks for all the responses, I especially liked the ‘such a chavvy thing to do’ 😂😂 I have decided to go for one night meaning DH will only be left for a night and a day really with them.

I had a really horrific birth and PD with my first baby so because my second has been such a different more positive experience and I feel so back to my normal self I forget in the grand scheme of things she is still very little.

For those asking, baby is bottle fed and I am the parent who does most of the heavy lifting in relation to the kids and 100% of it concerning the baby so I understand to an extent the shock my husband will probably get when he has to take that on but I also agree with a lot of the latter comments that if I don’t go at all I will be setting a precedence for him to do everything he wants but I am not able to attend anything as he views it all as ‘mums role’ to be there 24/7. He is a wonderful dad and our toddler and him have a beautiful relationship so I know he will be fine with her but the baby is fussy and whilst I know her cues, he is a little later off the mark to catch on so I think this decision is the best of both worlds for us.

thank you for replying everyone and a little note, I am a very confident person/mum and was just curious about everyone else’s thoughts but some of the bitchy and judging comments on here are very harsh and if that was said to a woman not as confident of relaxed as myself it could easily send her spiralling and questioning herself as a parent. We all have the same end goal (to be the best parent/person we can be) so let’s remember that when leaving unnecessary opinions that are just itching to irritate instead of help.

Lovely post OP ❤

Babyclb · 13/01/2023 10:44

SpringsRightAroundTheCorner · 13/01/2023 10:23

Well it isnt the same, he's the dad, my husband doesn't lactate and wasn't the one who carried or gave birth to our children. He has always done more than his share and is an incredible dad, but biologically our roles are not the same (when your children are small). Our children would not have cried for him all night if he went away and wouldn't starve. If I did they would, so the 2 things aren't comparable.

It's sad that a mum thinks she can piss off for 3 nights and think that such a tiny baby won't be distressed. Absolutely zero consideration for the baby.

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Totally irrelevant since the baby we are actually discussing is bottle fed.
So what is sad about it?
What can the dad not do that the mum can?

Zero consideration for the baby, god give me a break. Don't pretend you know the innermost thoughts of OPs baby.

rwalker · 13/01/2023 10:54

My god there’s some outrages replies on here
wife did something similar Youngest was 6 months so a touch older but she went for 5 days
id be offended if wife wouldn’t Leave me with my own kids

Each to there own we’ve friends who don’t leave there kids with anyone mother thinks they have to be glued to them
. Don’t think they do there kids any favours . There clingy whinny and parents never stop banging on how difficult it is

yes when main care giver goes off and leaves the other one to it they do struggle not because there useless
it’s like anything if you do it day in day out you have your routines ,confidence and do it in auto pilot

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 13/01/2023 11:07

To be honest my partner wouldn't have left me at 8 months pregnant not would I leave him for 3 days for a hen do

You both seem to have your priorities wrong as parents

timetosave · 13/01/2023 11:13

Absolutely backing your decision to go OP! The amount of judgmental comments on here is ridiculous & so backwards in the way of thinking the mother/father role is completely different.
You're a mother, yes, but you're also the person you were before & if you want to go away, relax & let your hair down with your friends that's more than reasonable. I've left my two for a night or two away & as long as they are in safe hands I fully took the opportunity to come out of 'mum mode' and enjoy myself without looking over my shoulder at what my toddler was going to do/break next!
Enjoy yourself, I believe having time to relax & de-stress makes you a better mother, as there's no denying being a mother to 2 under 2 is extremely challenging at times.